Family Picture Question

[happi]

Ok, we have a blended family, his and ours. Anyway I was just thinking about pictures and having family pictures taken. In the past we had the family pictures taken with his sons (22, & 18) and me and him. Now we have our son (soon to be 2) and I would like to have a family picture of just the 3 of us. Would that be wrong? The boys do live with us, when not at college.
Thanks,
Happi

[nrp]

Could you schedule a shoot with all of you, and then just do various combinations? Like all of you together, then DH and all of his boys, then you and DH and DS? That way it wouldn't seem like you are excluding them, kwim?

[BabyMine]

You wanted a family picture that doesn't include some of your family? I think that would hurt the other children.

[deannanb]

I would do separate photo shoots if you want the 3 of you -
or call the photographer ahead of time and tell them what you would like - I'm sure you are not the first blended family to want you DH and baby.
or all 5 of you - dh and the boys and then you and the baby.

[kristac]

You wanted a family picture that doesn't include some of your family? I think that would hurt the other children.

This. .....

[alexsmommy]

I pm'd you - but I do want to say - this is a very, very normal, natural desire. The question is how to handle it with the kids and DH. This needs to be a discussion - not just a photo that shows up in a frame... and in my personal opinion as long as the step-children live/do visitation at home it should not be the main, largest, framed family centerpiece over the mantle if you know what I mean - even if the step-children ok it. I would wait until the step-children were adults with their own places before doing something like that.
This comes up all of the time when I work with step-families. People feel ashamed to express their desires - but they are normal.
It is also normal for the step-children to have no negative feelings about this - or all sorts of big negative feelings about it.
Step-families are so much more complex than people want to discuss - often people want to reduce it to "what the kids feel". The problem is, if the adults aren't happy, no one is happy. If the kids aren't happy, no one is happy. And sometimes both the adults and kids being happy require conflicting solutions. It's just so complex and if there are not open discussion there can be lots of hurt feelings.
Do not feel bad for wanting this, use it as an opportunity to discuss the blended family dynamic and come to a family decision. I suspect your step-children are old enough that if consulted, they probably won't mind - especially if it's a picture you want to send to your side of the family. If they do mind, then hold off on a formal picture of the three of you (and have friends take some shots every opportunity you get - you may get an outstanding one), keep doing the blended family pics until a later date.

[SM23Mama21]

Oh thank you so much for asking this question! I've been having the same feelings about our upcoming family photos and was too scarred to ask it!

alexsmommy, can I ask what you do which involves you to work with step-families? You seem so knowledgeable about the subject. Do you get that from years of experience, or did you find it in a book?

[HannaAddict]

Could you schedule a shoot with all of you, and then just do various combinations? Like all of you together, then DH and all of his boys, then you and DH and DS? That way it wouldn't seem like you are excluding them, kwim?

I would try and handle it this way. I would let them know you want to get a photo of all the siblings together, older boys and their new little brother, one of just you and husband (we never see those anymore!), etc. I can understand wanting a photo of your husband and little one, but the older children are his children and depending on the dynamics it could be hurtful, or not, it all depends. Hope it turns out smoothly and you get of great shots of your whole family.

[alexsmommy]

Oh thank you so much for asking this question! I've been having the same feelings about our upcoming family photos and was too scarred to ask it!

alexsmommy, can I ask what you do which involves you to work with step-families? You seem so knowledgeable about the subject. Do you get that from years of experience, or did you find it in a book?


Ha, well - there's the personal experience - I have legally adopted my teen-age stepdaughter. However, I am a psychologist and as I became involved with DH I became very interested in learning about all my conflicting feelings about him having a child. I mean, c'mon, I've always worked with kids, I love kids, I nannied, but the whole full time "stepmoster" thing was very hard for me to swallow. As it became clear that my fears of dealing with a stepchild and an ex-wife were not overruling my sense of having met my soulmate, I decided to learn what I could. Because of that, by default, colleagues began referring step-families to me.

I am NOT an expert and I am always very aware that how I feel is going to be colored by my own experiences. I do feel though, as a country, we need to start talking about all of these hidden feelings all around about the impact of divorce and remarriage on children and adults.

ETA I have had someone here question why I don't have DSD in my siggie. My questions and all my "new parent" stuff that I originally posted and answered referred to my new mom of a baby and later a young child. The teen stuff rarely fits here on this board - but in other places where I disclose more about myself we are a family of five, she calls me mom, she has all the lovely teen-age "I hate my mom" stuff directed towards me (only to turn around and desperately want my advice the next hour) etc. In fact, I don't think I even have a typical step-parent experience because ultimately her bio-mom was 99% out of the picture. DSD only recently expressed interest in getting to know bio-mom again but we don't deal with visitation, child support etc. Yet her mother still exists and is now in her life again and although legally I am her mother, there is still the distiction (made by her) of "my step-mom or adoptive-mom" and "my bio-mom" when she is explaining things to others. We also live in my chidhood hometown and everyone knows I didn't have a kid in my early 20's so she used to hear a lot of "Oh your Alaina's step-daughter" which reinforced this for her when she was little even though she addressed me as "mom."

[kijip]

I think so long as you do lots of different combinations, it is a-ok. Have one of the young men and their dad for example, have one of all 5 of you, have one of the couple with the new baby etc. Display a few, of varying sizes and don't make the one without the older boys the biggest, main center of attention.

[Neatfreak]

I think so long as you do lots of different combinations, it is a-ok. Have one of the young men and their dad for example, have one of all 5 of you, have one of the couple with the new baby etc. Display a few, of varying sizes and don't make the one without the older boys the biggest, main center of attention.

I agree with all of this, and have to add that a photo of the older brothers with the little brother would probably be the sweetest photo of all :)

[WatchingThemGrow]

As a DSD myself, it was hurtful to hear my DSM say at my cousin's wedding, "Oh, ___ will you take a picture of just our family" [meaning my dad, DSM, and my half-brothers.] The picture w/o me in it was the one they framed and have out in the living room. Granted, I was 30 when it was taken, but it still hurt to be excluded and to not be considered "part" of that family. I think this was especially true b/c I am an only child on my mom's side and I consider them my brothers and my dad is my dad.

[love_a_latte]

As a DSD myself, it was hurtful to hear my DSM say at my cousin's wedding, "Oh, ___ will you take a picture of just our family" [meaning my dad, DSM, and my half-brothers.] The picture w/o me in it was the one they framed and have out in the living room. Granted, I was 30 when it was taken, but it still hurt to be excluded and to not be considered "part" of that family. I think this was especially true b/c I am an only child on my mom's side and I consider them my brothers and my dad is my dad.

Not trying to hijack in any way, but that kind of dynamic/situation is something that I am hyper aware of, and trying so hard to prevent. It is a balancing act some days, as the little ones physically need more attention then the teen, as in he can pour his own milk, go to the bathroom himself, go outside alone, read...you get the point. But I also know that just because he is able to do stuff doesn't mean that he does not need out attention. Kind of like the whole bringing home a newborn, what to do with the three year old dilemma. DH and I both try and make sure to give him his 'share' of energy, and when possible make the little ones wait until we are done chatting, but some days it is all I can do to make it till the little ones are in bed, much less function afterward. I just hope that we have made it clear that there is no 'my family' and 'your family', we are just a family.

[indigo99]

Similar issues come when I photograph weddings. I always do a photo of just the immediate "blood" family (parents and siblings) and then one that includes the siblings' spouses. I also end up doing lots of combinations with/without various step-parents and siblings.

I agree that as long as you aren't going to use this as your Christmas card or choose it as the big one to frame in the living room, there's no reason not to do it along with other combinations. Personally, I would think it less weird to just add it as another combination during a family session with the older boys than to do a separate session with just the 3 of you. Just let the photographer know the combinations in advance. You may also include one of just your husband and the two older boys together and/or individually. It's possible that they would appreciate a photo with just their dad but wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.

[ha98ed14]

We also live in my chidhood hometown and everyone knows I didn't have a kid in my early 20's so she used to hear a lot of "Oh your Alaina's step-daughter" which reinforced this for her when she was little even though she addressed me as "mom."

I just want to say that this sucks that people said this to her. I have a step mom and I love her. Our relationship is really special in a mom-daughter way; it's different from my bio mom because they are different people, but she doesn't love me any less. I think the fact that people reinforced this "step" element really made your daughter feel like an outsider. She feels the need to belong to both a mom and a dad. The fact that her bio mom was out of the picture meant that you were/ are the only mom she had. I hope you piped up and said, "No; she is my daughter." Then she would feel like you were claiming her and your role as mom in her life. I hope this happened for her because she needs it.

[ha98ed14]

but I do want to say - this is a very, very normal, natural desire. The question is how to handle it with the kids and DH. This needs to be a discussion -

I am NOT asking this to be be snarky, I really want to know: WHY is it normal to want to exclude the other children in your family because you did not give birth to them?

Would you also say it is normal to want pictures of your bio children separate or apart from any adopted children a family may have?

[alexsmommy]

I am NOT asking this to be be snarky, I really want to know: WHY is it normal to want to exclude the other children in your family because you did not give birth to them?

Would you also say it is normal to want pictures of your bio children separate or apart from any adopted children a family may have?

Because everyone is different - some people would NOT feel normal requesting this - others have a secret desire to and feel like HORRIBLE people. Like I said, to honestly answer this would be pages. I try to refrain from too much "therapist mode" on here because I post as a mom, but of course what a do and what my training is does influence me. Plus, there is no blanket step-family situation. They are all different. There are a lot of families where the bio-mom has custody and the bio-dad lives in a different state and barely sees his older DC's. I have worked with step-children who did not want to be in the "new" family picture and were forced to and resent it years later. I have adults who still cringe at memories of being excluded like the PP with the "OUR" family comment. Lot's of DSC have horrible realtionships with their step-parents - either because the step-parent is awful or because the bio-parent bad mouths the step-parent constantly or because the DSC is still angry and hurt at the loss of their original family. A lot of dynamics are also influenced by the ages and age differenence b/w the DSC and the non-DSC. I have a lot of teens who have more than a 10 year spread feel like they are part of the new family, but don't have the same emotional ties and needs as a younger child would.
To me, it goes back to ALL parenting issues - why can't we all support one another for all the ups, downs, positives, negatives etc that go with all parenting without judgment? You can't know how you will feel in a situation until you are in that EXACT situation yourself. I just feel strongly that there is a way to handle these types of emotions that can be productive and non-hurtful and there are ways that are destructive and painful and the very fact that the OP is posting means she does not want to be hurtful and destructive - but now she is a bio-mom of a child who will have no other mother (I say that because a straight adoption is no different than bio-parenting, but step-parenting with another parent in the picture is a different dynamic) and she would like a picture of the three of them. There is nothing inherently wrong with that desire, but it needs to be approached in an open, honest manner and she needs to be prepared to put aside the desire if the other children do express any hurt (verbally or non-verbally).

Just re-read the post - no ADOPTION is different. There is no other family, no other parent (my situation is unique for reasons that I will not post here - they are my daughters stories to disclose as she chooses - but her mother was in the background and her mother's family was told they were welcome to be in DSDs life if they chose). A child's adoptive family is their only family, their only parents. I don't think that adoptive parents have the same complexity and confused relationship that step-parents do. Adoptive desperately desired a relationship with that child and went to the ends of the Earth to create it. Step-parents feel in love with the adult who happened to have children and had to make a decision to change their hopes, dreams, fantasies of what their family would look like and adjust their lives accordingly if they marry someone with a child.

I could go on and on - I go back to what I said, step-families are SOOO complicated, so different from family to family that it's difficult to make blanket statements. Please just think if you know a step-parent who is loving and kind and makes a home for their step-child that they are not bad people if dfeep down they still have differnet feelings for their bio-children than their step-children. They are not bad people and they probaby beat themselves up for what are normal feelings and do not need judgment from others.

[alexsmommy]

I just want to say that this sucks that people said this to her. I have a step mom and I love her. Our relationship is really special in a mom-daughter way; it's different from my bio mom because they are different people, but she doesn't love me any less. I think the fact that people reinforced this "step" element really made your daughter feel like an outsider. She feels the need to belong to both a mom and a dad. The fact that her bio mom was out of the picture meant that you were/ are the only mom she had. I hope you piped up and said, "No; she is my daughter." Then she would feel like you were claiming her and your role as mom in her life. I hope this happened for her because she needs it.

Didn't need to - she'd speak right up and say it herself. I loved it -shut people up in a hurry and made them realize how they could have made her feel if she didn't have such a strong personality. She pretty much told off her principal when she was in third grade and we were in the middle of the legal stuff and she was sick and they needed to call her "mom". Long story short - the principal legitamately realized something was off (I couldn't legally sign things yet or be listed on legal stuff - but my name was everywhere) and started questioning her. She told the principal "My REAL mom is the one who made my lunch that I threw up and who will take me to my HOME and give me medicine. My BIO-mom doesn't even know where my school is to come get me. That's how I know who my REAL mom is."

Ha. Take that is what I thought when she told me.

Now she's a typical teen - she wishes me off her birth-cert daily. Sigh. The therapist in me knows she'd never be so nightmarish if she wasn't completely secure in her realtionship to me, but the mom is me would gladly strangle her on occasion. I am mom - with all the eye-rolling, back-talking, make-up "borrowing", can-I-have saying that comes with it. I'm looking forward to her 20's LOL.

[soontobe]

I think just take all the condinations: 1.you, dh and his kids 2. you dh and the baby 3. all 5 of you 4. you and dh 5. all three kidos

[wellyes]

I am NOT asking this to be be snarky, I really want to know: WHY is it normal to want to exclude the other children in your family because you did not give birth to them?


I think it'd be entirely different if the stepsons were children, but they're not, they're both college-aged. It doesn't sound so crazy to me to take a picture of a new baby with parents when the other kids (adopted, step or bio) are adults or nearly adults.

My aunt had 4 boys aged 15-21 when a "surprise" 5th boy arrived. She did have photos of the couple & new baby taken and the older boys understood it wasn't about excluding them. It's really a new generation starting when there is a 15+ year gap between kids.

Because a step situation can be so much more fraught, I agree with the PPs to take a variety of pictures.

[ha98ed14]

To me, it goes back to ALL parenting issues - why can't we all support one another for all the ups, downs, positives, negatives etc that go with all parenting without judgment? You can't know how you will feel in a situation until you are in that EXACT situation yourself. I just feel strongly that there is a way to handle these types of emotions that can be productive and non-hurtful and there are ways that are destructive and painful and the very fact that the OP is posting means she does not want to be hurtful and destructive - but now she is a bio-mom of a child who will have no other mother (I say that because a straight adoption is no different than bio-parenting, but step-parenting with another parent in the picture is a different dynamic) and she would like a picture of the three of them. There is nothing inherently wrong with that desire, but it needs to be approached in an open, honest manner and she needs to be prepared to put aside the desire if the other children do express any hurt (verbally or non-verbally).
......
Please just think if you know a step-parent who is loving and kind and makes a home for their step-child that they are not bad people if dfeep down they still have differnet feelings for their bio-children than their step-children. They are not bad people and they probaby beat themselves up for what are normal feelings and do not need judgment from others.

Thanks for that explanation. I didn't mean sound judgmental, so I apologize if my question came off that way. I guess as a child of a blended family I had as easier time than some others. My step mom is a clinical psychologist too, btw. Kinda funny.

I am coming to this issue from this perspective:

I would not be surprised in the least if a parent *feels/ felt* differently about their bio-children than their step-children. Because it *IS* a different relationship. And people do not have control over what they feel. Feelings are what they are, and all people can control is what they do with our feelings. So feeling a desire for a family picture that leaves out the step children may be a common/ normal desire for a parent to feel, but one does not have to act on that desire.

You say that the issue needs to be a discussion, but personally, from my own experience, I would have been so hurt if this was even a discussion. *Knowing* that my step parent would want a family portrait without me or my full bio-sis would make me so hurt. So saying that as long as the step parent is willing to give up having the portrait for the sake of the step children's feelings is too little too late. The damage has been done when step DC know that step parent does not want them in the picture.

I think the PP's suggestions of doing a combination of portraits of different people would be great. In this particular case OP is asking about, the big age gap between DC and that the older DC are away at college may provide a lot of opportunity to get some snap shots of just the parents and younger DC alone. In a more general scenario, if any DC go visit their other parent, one could conceivably take a snapshot of their bio kids that weekend. But IME, portraits are a planned family event, and I think any DC would be hurt if they knew their step parent didn't want them in the picture. That is just my opinion having grown up in a blended family.

ETA: In no way do I think that anyone is a bad person or a bad parent for having the desire for a bio family picture.

[alexsmommy]

ha98ed14
You did not come off as judgmental - I meant that in general terms for everyone when thinking about this.
I would hope that your step-parent knew you well enough to know that this would have been hurtful to you. That's why I'm saying it's so different for every family. I have worked with some step-children who honestly had no idea why they were being approached with this and they thought is was normal and natural for their step-parent to want such a picture. Of course, thinking back, both of those kids had great relationships with both their mother's and father's new family and did not feel left out emotionally in either family so I think their security of knowing that within the walls of the homes the "real" family included them without question probably made it easier for them to be generous in this respect. One of the kids divorced family had such a good relationship that when a few years later he mentioned to me that he will never have a picture of his "entire" family, meaning mom and dad, new spouses and half-sibs until he got married. I said, "Well, have you ever asked for one - I mean, don't expect your mom and dad to display it, but maybe they'd be willing to do it for you and your sister." So he asked and at the next drop off his dad, new wife, two half-sibs piled out of the car and the neighbor took a quick pic of everyone in the backyard for them and then just all the kids.

[SM23Mama21]

One of the kids divorced family had such a good relationship that when a few years later he mentioned to me that he will never have a picture of his "entire" family, meaning mom and dad, new spouses and half-sibs until he got married. I said, "Well, have you ever asked for one - I mean, don't expect your mom and dad to display it, but maybe they'd be willing to do it for you and your sister." So he asked and at the next drop off his dad, new wife, two half-sibs piled out of the car and the neighbor took a quick pic of everyone in the backyard for them and then just all the kids.


I mentioned this idea to DH's ex a few months ago, but she didn't want to have anything to do with it. :nodno: Maybe in a few years.