Slight S/O: Who would be your DC's legal guardian?

[Snow mom]

We need to get our act together and pick a legal guardian for DD in case anything were to happen to DH and me. I recognize that making sure she has someone who can care for her and give her a good life is the most important thing but it's a really difficult decision (and topic to broach) so I was hoping some people could share how and what they decided.

We have fairly small families (both DH and I have one sibling) and no one seems like the perfect candidate. This is kind of long but I made a list below of the options (largely to write it out for myself). If you care to chime in on what problems you envision or what seems best, feel free. There is:

My parents: the main drawback is that they were older when I was born and therefore might not be the best choice. I am very fond of them and think they would do a great job but they are retired now and spend most of their time traveling. Having another child to raise would certainly be a change. The main plus is that my mom is probably the family member that is closest to DD at this point (and I imagine this will be true into the future.) Our families live far away but my mom makes sure she is here at least a few days every month or two.

DH's parents: the main drawback is that they are uber-religious which DH has a big problem with. He has very low opinions of organized religion due to his upbringing in the church and his parents have actually gotten much more religious since he was a child. MIL stays at home so that would work out nicely but I think they already worry that FIL will never be able to retire (financially) and I'm not sure they could afford to care for DD.

My brother: the main drawback is that he is single. I think if he were to get married and have kids he would be the best choice but we should probably pick someone who could step up right now and be there for her into the future. He was surprisingly good with DD when he was here (surprising mainly because I still see him as my pesky older brother from time to time.) I guess I also worry about having DD go into a family with other kids-- that she'll always be the other-- but I also worry about her going somewhere where there aren't other kids and the lifestyle changes that would necessitate.

DH's sister: the main drawback is that she's never, ever wanted children. I think she doesn't have as many problems with kids as they get older as she does with babies. I heard from MIL that SIL's DH now has decided he wants kids. We'll see what happens I guess. Another problem is I find them very immature. They still display alcohol in their living room like they are college students when in reality they are pushing 30.


Any advice on how to make this decision?

[kijip]

My son's godfather (and by extension, his wife) but he is the only one that is named. We have a financial custodian who is separate. And a back-up guardian (same as the financial custodian- we joke that if she wants 2 kids and a bunch of money (life insurance+all assets) she just needs to kill us and the godfather).

My father is 67. He will be 80 when F starts high school. Not a reasonable choice for guardian.

My brother and his partner might have been an ok pick but we feel that our parenting style was more in line with our friend's than my brother's family, especially my brother's partner who IMO yells too much and expects kids to behave older than they actually are. Also, when we initially made these arrangements my little brother was a 21 year old club scene kid. Now he is a settled SAHD, but I just can't see my kids being raised daily by his partner. My older brother is out of the question. My ILs don't live in the area and are not of like minds to us on religion and moral values, which was important to us in making the pick.

[jellibeans]

Just because you pick a legal gardian now doesn't mean that you can't change it in the future. If I were you, I would look at who your dd knows the best. It seems like she knows your mom the best. If in a few years, your brother gets married or your SIL becomes more kid-friendly, you can always change it.

[Clarity]

First of all, my best, longest friend and her dh are my choice for my children even though they live across the country from us. Out of everyone in our lives, they would honor our values and desires for how we want our children raised. We have many of the same practices now that we're both mothers. I trust her.

That said, out of those four choices, I wouldn't hesitate to pick your brother if he'd be willing. Regardless of his marital status. My BIL is our second choice for our children and he's not married yet either. But, dd1 loves him to pieces and he loves them too. He's got some personal things going on or he'd absolutely be our top choice. I know if we documented our desires for our children he'd also try very hard to see that those wishes were followed. I think that's what makes the decision easier. Knowing what you want in a care person.

[niccig]

Friends of ours. DH has been friends with them for over 20+ years. DS calls their two daughters his sisters.

DH's parents - no, for the age reason and there are some significant parenting issues that DH and his siblings had to deal with that he does not want repeated with DS.

My Parents - live in another country and I don't want DS to have to deal with being without us AND moving to another country. Plus, some parenting issues I don't want repeated with DS.

Older sister - lives in another country different to my parents. She and her long-term boyfriend aren't having kids, but they would raise DS and do a very good job. I did initially ask them to be legal guardian, but being in another country makes it too difficult for me to move DS.

Younger sister - lives in another country different to my parents. Wants kids, but is immature.

With think our friends will give DS a stable, loving homelife. Financially, they can afford another child without needing to use DS's inheritance. DH is closer to them than he is to his own siblings. The wife is a strong personality, who will not be pushed around by my controlling mother, and we trust they will do what is in DS's best interests - in fact, we trust them more than some family members. We have said that DS needs to spend time with his extended family, and we know friends will accommodate that.

[Melaine]

I would pick the best option for right now and then re-evaluate in a few years. For me, my parents will get them at this point. But in a few years when they are older I can see us changing to one of my siblings.

[MontrealMum]

I've noticed that you only have relatives on your list. There is nothing that says you can't choose friends. As PP said, you can also chose your single brother, or reevaluate in a few years.

In our case, out of all four of our parents, the youngest is 70. Beyond age, they each have their own issues, and would not want to be saddled w/ a young child, though they would try to do their best. Obviously not the best choice. I am an only child, DH has one sister who is in her early 50s, married, and w/one child of her own. Suffice it to say our parenting styles are vastly different, and that is putting it very politely. We would never pick them, and the motivating factor, for me anyways, was that we had a legal document in place so that a court would not award custody to them as the only closest blood relatives.

We picked my best friend, G, and her husband. They have two children of their own and their parenting style and values closely line up with our own. She and I were raised together (friends for 35 yrs now!) so I am very comfortable that she would make choices that I would be happy with. They might not be the same as mine, but she most closely aligns to what I would want. This was a difficult choice as they live in the US (where I am from) and we are living here. So this would mean DS would have to leave Canada. I knew it was the right choice when I asked G, and the first thing she said was that her girls would love to have a brother, God forbid something should happen.

Actually, DH had really wanted his own best friend to be named and I fought against it because he works long hours, and his girlfriend at the time seemed unstable. You may have caught my thread a few months back (they are now married w/ a child of their own) about how she called the cops on him and he's fighting abuse charges in court? VERY glad we did not choose him, even though he's a great guy. He comes with way too many things I don't want DS exposed to. He's still in the relationship BTW and it's not good.

So, my BFF and DH's BFF share financial decision-making. My BFF, G, is the guardian. Backup guardian is my cousin, who also lives in the US.

[bubbaray]

I would name your brother with your parents as alternate, possibly with your parents as executors and trustees.

If you plan financially, your IL's financial position shouldn't be a factor -- you plan your estate so that the trustee(s) and guardians don't incur costs to raise your children. Of course, you need to trust them that they won't scam money from the children either, but a good lawyer should be able to easily help you with that. But, it sounds like your DH would not really want your ILs in the first place for the religion issue.

GL!

[Happy 2B mommy]

Dh and I are both only children, so we picked friends who most closely agree with us on parenting and morals and who we just think are good, responsible role models. Out of your choices, I would do a combo of your brother and parents.

[deannanb]

If you are comfortable at this point for your parents to be legal guardians, have it listed that way - I'm sure there is some legal mumbo-jumbo wording for it all - but basically, have your parents listed first - and then if they are not able to or do not wish to raise DD, then brother get's custody -