Update/apology/retraction (Calling all SAHM's...)

[jent]

want to help me out by making a list of what you do all day? A detailed one?

I'm in need of this because currently DH is a SAHD for the summer. I still kinda feel like I'm in charge of household tasks AND I have the FT, bring-home-the-bacon job. And DH has it somewhat easy... our one DD is in daycare 3d/week, and I have a housecleaner come every 2 weeks. It's not that DH doesn't do stuff, but I still feel like I have to be in charge of it all and delegate it to him, and also that he has different standards (like laundry sitting in the dryer=done). So maybe if I make a list, he can be a little more self-sufficient, and I can stop feeling like I'm doing it all. Sorry, DH, nearly all. And I can stop folding the laundry at @#$%^& 11pm.

ps- sorry, this is kind of a BP. But I want to solve this with DH so I'm really looking for ideas.

ps- it has to be a detailed list. Like: Wash laundry. Dry laundry. Fold laundry. Put laundry into everyone's drawers.

[Melaine]

This thread had some good tips about this:
http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=325101&highlight=motivatedmoms

[niccig]

I agree with getting him the Motivated Moms check lists. The list will tell him what to do that week rather than you telling him. I have the list on the fridge and I don't do everything on the days they suggest, but when it suits me. I would also include some play time with the kids, as my DH isn't good about remembering to do that - he's all about the work.

[jent]

I would also include some play time with the kids, as my DH isn't good about remembering to do that - he's all about the work.

Oh, don't worry, DH is totally the opposite... he figures it's his primary job to keep DD happy. Everything else-- laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, yardwork-- is secondary.
I still can't understand why he can't fold laundry while DD plays nearby.

(Can you tell I'm a little PO'd by the laundry thing tonight? We've been having this discussion before DD was born. Much before.)

Going to bed now. I know taking time to post is counterproductive, but it's making me feel better. Though I'll pay tomorrow, I'm going to be so wiped and I have a big day.

[KrisM]

During the day, while DH is gone, I get a load of laundry washed and dried, but fold it after the kids are in bed. I put it away the next day.

I empty the dishwasher and load it throughout the day.

When I had 1 or 2 kids, I'd get the grocery shopping done. Now, mostly I do that after the kids are in bed.

I try to run a couple errands a week, but again, mostly it happens in the evening or weekends.

I guess my daytime is pretty busy with dressing, feeding, playing, driving, kids. I try to have the house not much worse looking at 5pm than it did at 7am. But, it's after the kids are in bed that I'm cleaning, folding laundry, etc. It's 12:40 now and I just finished washing the floor.

[gatorsmom]

During the day, while DH is gone, I get a load of laundry washed and dried, but fold it after the kids are in bed. I put it away the next day.

I empty the dishwasher and load it throughout the day.

When I had 1 or 2 kids, I'd get the grocery shopping done. Now, mostly I do that after the kids are in bed.

I try to run a couple errands a week, but again, mostly it happens in the evening or weekends.

I guess my daytime is pretty busy with dressing, feeding, playing, driving, kids. I try to have the house not much worse looking at 5pm than it did at 7am. But, it's after the kids are in bed that I'm cleaning, folding laundry, etc. It's 12:40 now and I just finished washing the floor.

Yep, this is me too. I spend more time than your DH probably will on food prep (feeding 4 little mouths) and clean up. I seem to spend a lot of time on that throughout the day. But 3 square meals a day takes time. I do a couple of loads of laundry throughout the day. The dishwasher needs to be filled and emptied. Returning phone calls, picking up toys (so the mess doesn't get out of control), planning meals, shopping for meals, cleaning the house (a toilet here, a sink there), driving to activities, planning playdates, bathing the children, running to doctor's appointments, Target runs (usually i have a weekly run- there's always something i need). Oh, and I try to fit in some time to exercise. Whew, did I miss anything?

[tiapam]

There is something about this thread that is bugging me but I can't quite put my finger on it. Not looking to tussle, just kinda puzzled that you think we might be able to help you get your husband to take more responsibility for household chores and do things the way you want them done.

I am a SAHM. Recently I have taken as much as three days to complete ONE load of laundry. Currently there is a load in the washer that I left soaking for hours this morning. This was after the many days it sat on the basement floor. Around dinnertime I remembered to run the wash cycle. Maybe I will remember to put it in the dryer tonight. Although I prefer not to run it at night, I always think it is going to start on fire or something. DH made dinner tonight. The cleaning service came today. I did spend some time cleaning before they came. But the majority of my day was spent taking care of DC, feeding, diapering, entertaining, etc.

I guess I wonder why you would think us SAHMs are doing a better job or more work than your DH. Well, I guess some of them might be, but not me. A lot of SAHMs think their primary job is to take care of the kids. It's interesting that you are upset with your husband over this. Not the specific tasks, I mean, but the whole dynamic. I mean can you imagine what kind of response my DH would get if he gave me a list like that? We've come a long way baby. And if you know where that phrase came from, then you probably understand my post.

[KrisM]

I just re-read your OP. You say your DD is in daycare 3 days/week. Those days, I do think your DH should be able to get the laundry done, etc. If I had 3 days/week with the house to myself for hours, I would be in heaven! I'd have the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away all on one day!

I think I brushed over that part the first time. I wouldn't expect him to do a lot of household stuff while he's a SAHD, but when he's just SAH I would.

[jgenie]

Oh, don't worry, DH is totally the opposite... he figures it's his primary job to keep DD happy. Everything else-- laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, yardwork-- is secondary.
I still can't understand why he can't fold laundry while DD plays nearby.


I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated with DH right now. I know you need to vent and I hope it helped.

Having said that, I am a SAHM and my primary job is to keep DS happy. Everything else - laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, yardwork is secondary. :) I do try to fold clothes while DS plays nearby, but I find that if I don't make a conscious effort to concentrate on DS I would spend my day cleaning and DS would not be stimulated. I catch a lot of flack from other moms because I won't put DS in his crib and let him cry or sit him in front of the TV while I get things done around the house. When we made the decision that I would stay home we also decided that I was staying home to take care of DS. I have a house cleaner that comes every other week to take care of the deep cleaning and I try my best to keep the house picked up. DH just asked me to arrange it so that we have the house cleaned every week because we need it.

I agree that the days that your DD is in school your DH should be able to get things done around the house. The motivated moms calendar looks great and I'm planning to order it to try to help me get organized. I hope you're able to find an arrangement that works for both you and DH.

[MamaMolly]

I know taking time to post is counterproductive, but it's making me feel better. Though I'll pay tomorrow, I'm going to be so wiped and I have a big day.

See, I disagree here. Taking the time to post was your way of getting it off your chest. If it were me and I didn't post, I'd have stewed all night and not slept well. So I see it as very productive. A problem shared is a problem halved.

I also think there is value in finding out how other people do the same tasks as you because I get valuable ideas.

As DD has gotten older I've been better about cleaning up while she plays nearby. To me, it is important that she *see* me cleaning. I don't want her to get the idea that the cleaning fairy comes and ~poof~ the house is magically clean every night. BTW This is the same reason why I specifically don't put DH's laundry away. If he doesn't see it, then in his mind I didn't do it. His drawers just magically stay full of fresh clean folded laundry ;).

Here is my typical day:
DD gets us up around 8 am.
Sit DD on the potty and I read to her, toss out her night diaper and while she reads on the potty I might tidy her bed by folding her blanket, rearranging her dollies and fluffing her pillow. Or I might tidy the bathroom.
DD gets a fresh diaper and I get her dressed.
We go downstairs and I put on her favorite TV show so that I can do her hair. (it is the only way to get her to sit still without a fight)
While her TV show finishes up I make coffee for me, breakfast for her.
I hop on the internet and check emails (more likely hang out here :))
Then I run up and take a shower.
Her show ends (a 30 minute one, so I feel like I get a lot done!) and we play or work on a project or what ever until about 11:00.
If I have errands to run, go to the park, playgroup or a Mommy and Me type class they are usually around 11:00.
Lunch is somewhere in here, but DD is not a big eater so we might just pack a huge sack of snacks for her to pick over while out.
Home for nap by 2:00.
I do laundry (wash what is on the basement floor, fold one load in the dryer and put another one in. I get DH to bring the big heavy baskets of folded laundry upstairs because the laundry is in the basement and the bedrooms are on the second floor.) or sort stuff for moving or just goof off until DD wakes up, usually about an hour.
DD and I play until about 4 or 5 when I start dinner prep. If I'm measuring ingredients then DD will help but if it is chopping then she usually gets sent out of the room or else she'll pester me to death. DH will come home some time in here. (he comes home, goes to the bathroom, reads his paper and gets on the internet, so IMO he is here in body but not spirit IYKWIM for a good hour or two. And on craptastic days it might be three)
I try to get dinner ready by 6:00.
After dinner if the weather is nice we go outside and play while DH cleans the kitchen.
We relax as a family and watch tv or play with toys or playdoh for a while.
Bath time is around 7:30. Since DD usually spills water on the floor I 'mop' her bathroom floor every time she has a bath. I use a hand towel to sop up the floor.
Bedtime at 8:00 but most nights it is after that.

[jent]

Sorry to resurrect this old thread but it's been nagging at me ever since I posted... so allow me to post just one more time so I can put it out of my mind.


There is something about this thread that is bugging me but I can't quite put my finger on it.

That "thing" is probably that I should have just posted to the BP and been done with it. Though I was sincere about trying to work this out with DH, my main motive is just that I had this building resentment about working FT while DH was at home, and was just particularly fed up that night.

I want to apologize if you're a SAHM and were annoyed/offended by this thread. To be fully honest, I guess I'm just jealous that it's DH that has the opportunity to stay home & not me, and I think I had this underlying feeling that if it were me staying at home, I'd be using my time differently. DH has no problem, when he has free time when DD is out or napping, spending the time on himself (napping, reading, doing puzzles). When I read the other posts here, it just seems like other SAHMs are doing so much-- not just the basic childcare and household chores but actively working at stimulating your kids, doing projects around the house, shopping for bargains, etc. So I guess my asking members of this board to describe what they did, it was so I could say, "See, DH, the other SAH parents are getting this done AND this too". Which, I fully admit, was kind of snotty of me.

For those of you that did offer suggestions & the link to the other thread... thanks. It IS helpful to see how others do things.

DH and I did have a long talk about this. We haven't actually made a list, but we did manage to discuss what kinds of things needed to get done around the house and how to share chores more equally. It went pretty well this week (he even put laundry in drawers!) so I'm hopeful. And I'm managing to communicate better without just resenting in silence until it builds up to the breaking point again.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Sorry, again, to bring up this old thread that's of no use to anyone but me but it's been feeling like I still had this negative karma out there and I had to correct it.

[doberbrat]

fwiw, this thread HAS helped me. dh may become a SAHD w/the next baby and its helpful for me to reset my expectations and hear how it works for others. right now, he's home 1day a week and it makes me BATTY to come home and the house is a disaster, dinner isnt ready, no laundry has been done and 1/2 the time he hasnt even showered etc.

[sste]

I didn't find anything annoying or troubling about your post and I don't think you have anything to apologize for. If my DH was a full time SAHD for one DC and that one DC was in daycare all day three days per week, then I would be expecting gourmet meals, laundry and pressing, house cleaning galore!! Actually, given my personality, I would probably expect MORE than that and would be a bit peeved when he wasn't cultivating organic produce, sewing the DC's clothes by hand, etc. :)

[o_mom]

Sorry to resurrect this old thread but it's been nagging at me ever since I posted... so allow me to post just one more time so I can put it out of my mind.

That "thing" is probably that I should have just posted to the BP and been done with it. Though I was sincere about trying to work this out with DH, my main motive is just that I had this building resentment about working FT while DH was at home, and was just particularly fed up that night.

I want to apologize if you're a SAHM and were annoyed/offended by this thread. To be fully honest, I guess I'm just jealous that it's DH that has the opportunity to stay home & not me, and I think I had this underlying feeling that if it were me staying at home, I'd be using my time differently. DH has no problem, when he has free time when DD is out or napping, spending the time on himself (napping, reading, doing puzzles). When I read the other posts here, it just seems like other SAHMs are doing so much-- not just the basic childcare and household chores but actively working at stimulating your kids, doing projects around the house, shopping for bargains, etc. So I guess my asking members of this board to describe what they did, it was so I could say, "See, DH, the other SAH parents are getting this done AND this too". Which, I fully admit, was kind of snotty of me.

For those of you that did offer suggestions & the link to the other thread... thanks. It IS helpful to see how others do things.

DH and I did have a long talk about this. We haven't actually made a list, but we did manage to discuss what kinds of things needed to get done around the house and how to share chores more equally. It went pretty well this week (he even put laundry in drawers!) so I'm hopeful. And I'm managing to communicate better without just resenting in silence until it builds up to the breaking point again.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Sorry, again, to bring up this old thread that's of no use to anyone but me but it's been feeling like I still had this negative karma out there and I had to correct it.

I wasn't offended, but I did get the reason for the PP's comment.

The internet somewhat warps reality - stuff gets compressed into a post that happed over a week, etc. Really, on a great day, all the housework gets done, the kids do educational activities, have plenty of exercise and eat perfectly balanced meals. That happens about once a year around here. Most days, either all of them get done partially or one or two get done and the others slide. DH and I had a meeting of the minds when DS1 was about 6 months old... basically, my only job during the day is to stay out of the emergency room and anything beyond that is gravy. I can count on one hand (barely) the number of times in the last 5 years that I haven't met that goal. :) I also have no problem spending downtime on myself, mainly on the internet :ROTFLMAO:.

I'm glad things are looking up!

[jgenie]

:hug: Hi Jen,
I'm glad things are going better for you. I wasn't offended by your post. It's tough either way you look at it. There are definitely days that I'm jealous that DH gets to escape to the office but more often I'm thankful that I get to stay home w/ DS.

I completely understand how important it is to have good communication. I remember just after DS was born DH would come home from work, change clothes and get on the treadmill. It used to drive me CRAZY - why did he get to do it and not me - I worked all day too and the exercise would have been such a stress reliever. I finally told him one day and from then on we would take turns getting to run on the treadmill. He got to do it because I never said I needed that time as well.

GL - Parenting is such a juggling act!!!

[bubbaray]

I'm kinda stunned at the responses in this thread. Not in a critical sort of way.

When I was on each of my 1yr maternity leaves, *I* had to do everything associated with the house. Cooking, laundry, cleaning (though with DD#2, we did have a cleaning lady 2x/m) etc. And, obviously, looking after the children.

If I were a SAHM, I would basically have to do everything except cut the grass and DH would expect dinner and a spotless house waiting for him when he got home. Every time that didn't happen when I was on maternity leave, there was a huge argument.

Of course, his view of maternity leave/staying at home is that its a "vacation". I'm soooo not joking, he told me that during both maternity leaves.

Needless to say, his attitude definitely did NOTHING to encourage me to SAH one minute longer than my maternity leaves. At least when I work, I only have to cook dinner every OTHER night.

[m448]

I would be very ticked off if my husband felt he could orchestrate my agenda at home. Like Omom said though he's great and from the weekends realizes that just staying one step ahead of a 3 and 5 year old is enough to keep you busy not to mention the baby.

I even remember getting upset one day when my oldest was a few months old because I hadn't been able to get any laundry done, was still in my robe and had barely had a meal. He hugged me, told me that all I needed to do was take care of the baby and myself that "we" (meaning him and me) could get the rest done as we could and everyone else who thought otherwise could go to heck. I love that man. Two more kids later and he feels the same way.

He doesn't feel any entitlement about what he's not supposed to do because he WOHM all day. However, we do tackle things as a team and I do the best I can during the day. Some days I'm productive, some days I barely get dressed but either way he knows I try my best and that the kids are thriving. I'm glad you were able to communicate more clearly. That's always a good thing.

[niccig]

I didn't find anything annoying or troubling about your post and I don't think you have anything to apologize for. If my DH was a full time SAHD for one DC and that one DC was in daycare all day three days per week, then I would be expecting gourmet meals, laundry and pressing, house cleaning galore!! Actually, given my personality, I would probably expect MORE than that and would be a bit peeved when he wasn't cultivating organic produce, sewing the DC's clothes by hand, etc. :)

My DS is in school 3 days like the OP and I'm not cultivating organic produce or sewing clothes by hand. My DH had generally learned to NOT say things like that, because I take care of so many things that he doesn't even have to think about, let alone actually do.

But on Friday night, he did comment on why it was home made pizza for dinner...my answer was to recite my day that DS was in preschool..I dropped him off at 9am, went to his new school to drop off forms, went shopping for back to school items, went grocery shopping, took groceries home and put away, had 30 mins to eat lunch and call contractor re. new driveway, left home to drive 30 mins to speech therapy appt., appt was 1 hours, drive home 30 mins, drop DS's medical form to DR. to fill out, pick up prescriptions, drive to preschool to pick up DS, take DS to swim class, take DS for ice cream as reward for not getting out of bed, go home, put trash out, make homemade pizza and pour a BIG glass of wine...then bath and bed for DS.

I have at least one day a week that is like this - I am barely home so no on those nights there is no gourmet dinner nor hand-sewn clothes..so to the OP, if your DH is doing all the household management including errands, yes there will be days that NOTHING much gets done in the house...but it also means that YOU did not do any of those errands...

[o_mom]

My DS is in school 3 days like the OP and I'm not cultivating organic produce or sewing clothes by hand. My DH had generally learned to NOT say things like that, because I take care of so many things that he doesn't even have to think about, let alone actually do.

But on Friday night, he did comment on why it was home made pizza for dinner...my answer was to recite my day that DS was in preschool..I dropped him off at 9am, went to his new school to drop off forms, went shopping for back to school items, went grocery shopping, took groceries home and put away, had 30 mins to eat lunch and call contractor re. new driveway, left home to drive 30 mins to speech therapy appt., appt was 1 hours, drive home 30 mins, drop DS's medical form to DR. to fill out, pick up prescriptions, drive to preschool to pick up DS, take DS to swim class, take DS for ice cream as reward for not getting out of bed, go home, put trash out, make homemade pizza and pour a BIG glass of wine...then bath and bed for DS.

I have at least one day a week that is like this - I am barely home so no on those nights there is no gourmet dinner nor hand-sewn clothes..so to the OP, if your DH is doing all the household management including errands, yes there will be days that NOTHING much gets done in the house...but it also means that YOU did not do any of those errands...

Homemade pizza.... now I feel inadequate. We would probably be eating frozen. :hysterical:

[amldaley]

I guess I sort of get the whole "make him a list" idea b/c my DH has actually ASKED me to make him such detailed lists. He just doesn't seem to see what needs to be done or understand all the aspects of a household task. How many times have I said, "Laundry gets folded while it's warm". (No, it hardly ever happens, but it is a good rule to TRY for, anyway!)

[jent]

Thanks again for all the positive responses. It sounds kind of silly, but the thought of that original negative post floating around in cyberspace just kind of bothered me, and I felt I had to set it right somehow.

It's not that I would take back my entire feelings about the situation, however. Yes, it's a tough job managing a toddler and trying to attend to the house some days. I do know how it is-- I was only on maternity leave for 3 months, but for 6 mos after that I worked PT, alternating with DH. It's just that now, DH does have some things easy-- DD still goes to her daycare 8am to 3pm on 3 days (we'll need it when DH goes back to work PT this fall), so that's 21 glorious child-free hours per week to get lots of stuff accomplished. AND I still have the cleaning service come once every 2 weeks. I do drop DD off at daycare and take her to her music class because I want to still be involved in those parts of her life, even though DH has the time to do it. I'm still the one who is usually responsible for doing all the little errands (clothes, diapers, medicines, etc), menu planning, making phone calls, getting clothes/nap stuff/lunch/forms ready for daycare, etc, etc. I'm kind of still doing this stuff because I've always done it; DH might do it if I asked him, but that's the thing, I have to spell it all out for him, each and every time. I held back on saying much to DH precisely because I didn't want to question how he spends his time during the day. I think there is just some basic difference between moms and dads (at least, many of the moms/dads I know)-- I have this mental checklist of things that have to get done, whereas his default mode is to get some R&R unless I've specifically asked him to do something.

I don't want to slip into sounding too negative again... I should point out that DH really is a great with DD. We spend the week before last on vacation with my extended family, and I was totally proud when my sister commented on how great DH was with kids (DD and my two nieces). And he is a good cook, just not so good on planning it out.

Part of the background with this situation too is that my job has been really demanding and stressful lately. We've been trying to fill someone's position for the past 17 months, and I went back to FT to "temporarily" pick up the slack. There are many days when I wish I could just come home, have a pleasant gourmet meal with my spouse and well-behaved child, and then have a nice evening relaxing while my thoughtful spouse rubs my shoulders. Oh wait, I forgot having a martini waiting for me at the door when I come home.

FWIW, homemade pizza is *totally* gourmet in my book.

[amldaley]

There are many days when I wish I could just come home, have a pleasant gourmet meal with my spouse and well-behaved child, and then have a nice evening relaxing while my thoughtful spouse rubs my shoulders. Oh wait, I forgot having a martini waiting for me at the door when I come home.

So, you want to be a man in 1955? Yeah, I wish that sometimes, too. :wink2:

[niccig]

FWIW, homemade pizza is *totally* gourmet in my book.

It totally wasn't. It was a pizza base with tomato paste, pepperoni and cheese. I did make a green salad and had some REALLY good wine, so that made it better...

I get having a list if your DH does not know what to do. My DH is a little like this. He won't think to wash the towels and the sheets once a week. And there are things that need to be done weekly. I could totally see having a chat if DH was staying home and working out what things can get done. And it sounds like the OP can give her DH more things to do, her work is stressful and he has more time, so he can take on a larger portion of the work load. I'm doing this with DH now, he needs more face time at work, so I've picked up some of his regular jobs. DH and I have had to have this conversation a few times anytime life/work situation has changed..we sit down and list everything that needs to be done, and then we go through and work out who does what. Eg. now I do most of the errands, but when I go back to work, DH will need to do some things on lunch hour and to/from work, as I want him to be home as much as he can to be with DS. But that will change when I also have to be at work..

The point of my post describing my day, was that some days it looks like NOTHING has been done in the house. DH comes home and it looks exactly the same as when he left that morning. But many things have been done behind the scenes that he didn't even know had to be done. And if he questions me on what I did or didn't do, then I'm pretty darn mad.

ETA Jen, do you have any large projects that have been on your TO DO list forever, that your DH could do? A friend's DH is freelance and no work at the moment and he's doing all the house projects like fixing sprinklers, washing windows and as he's very handy he painted a room etc. That could be a good way to get some things done before he has to go back to work.

[sste]

To be clear, I meant the organic produce and sewing clothes by hands jokingly! I couldn't figure out how to get the wink in there. But, the basic point still stands about the OP's DH and the division of household responsibility. Since the OP does day care drop off her husband has no childcare responsibilities except for perhaps meal prep from 8am-230pm THREE DAYS PER WEEK!! If a child is in full-time daycare 3 days per week - - not a situation with school drop off, pick up, activities, classroom volunteering and what have you - - then your DH should be able to get alot done around the house.

If the OP is doing a great deal of the housecleaning, errands, laundry, meal prep, and shopping while she works full-time and does daycare drop off - -and her DH spends much of his daughter's daycare time on naps, puzzles, and reading as the OP mentioned - - then there needs to be re-division of the household labor.

I don't think this post/thread has anything to do with not respecting SAHMs or whether spouses of SAHPs should expect significant household work when the SAHP is providing alot of childcare. I think it was to do with the OP's SPECIFIC SITUATION.

If you are a WOHM, you need alot of spouse and household support to both excel at your job and your relationship with the DC - - you can't spend most of your precious hours with the DC catching up on household tasks that your DH could manage easily while your DC is in daycare.

[denna]

Oh, don't worry, DH is totally the opposite... he figures it's his primary job to keep DD happy. Everything else-- laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, yardwork-- is secondary.
I still can't understand why he can't fold laundry while DD plays nearby.

(Can you tell I'm a little PO'd by the laundry thing tonight? We've been having this discussion before DD was born. Much before.)

Going to bed now. I know taking time to post is counterproductive, but it's making me feel better. Though I'll pay tomorrow, I'm going to be so wiped and I have a big day.

You are so not alone in this. DH is the EXACT same way. Im here 9mos pregnant and cant get him to do the laundry w/o asking him over and over and over. And telling him its not done til its folded/ hung and changing the laundry doesnt just mean putting the load I put in the washer into the dryer but also starting a whole new load in the washer. I dont understand why he cant get it.

[o_mom]

...I'm still the one who is usually responsible for doing all the little errands (clothes, diapers, medicines, etc), menu planning, making phone calls, getting clothes/nap stuff/lunch/forms ready for daycare, etc, etc. I'm kind of still doing this stuff because I've always done it; DH might do it if I asked him, but that's the thing, I have to spell it all out for him, each and every time. I held back on saying much to DH precisely because I didn't want to question how he spends his time during the day. I think there is just some basic difference between moms and dads (at least, many of the moms/dads I know)-- I have this mental checklist of things that have to get done, whereas his default mode is to get some R&R unless I've specifically asked him to do something.
...

I think I would just start making lists for the little errands. Make it a general household list, maybe on a whiteboard where everyone can see it. Put things on there in advance so that he has time to work them in. Then don't hover - he's going to have a few times of daycare calling because the nap stuff or extra clothes aren't there before he internalizes the tasks. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to do some of those things, but unless you say something he may never realize they are getting done at all. Kind of like the magically clean laundry that someone mentioned.

Housecleaning is something that really needs to be spelled out sometimes. I know DH and I have different standards and we have to find middle ground on some things. Again, he may not realize that it bothers you not to have X, Y or Z done every day.