What do you do when you're lonely?

[frgsnlzrds]

And talking to other people is not an option?

We moved here a year ago now, and I still don't know anyone. I rarely speak to my neighbors, we have big, big political/religious differences and they make me uncomfortable. And they're the only people I have access to because DH takes the car and commutes an hour away to work. There is no public transportation here. Sometimes I talk to my mom on the phone, but we've never really gotten along well, and a 15 minute conversation can tax the truce we have now. My only friend lives in NY and we talk a couple times a week. I have a couple relatives I email back and forth with frequently. DH works an hour away so he's gone for 10 hours a day. I am an extremely shy person so it's hard for me to make friends. Even talking on the phone to people other than my friend or my immediate family makes me nervous. I play with my dc and real lots and lots of books.

So what do you do when you're lonely?

[ha98ed14]

Honestly, I come here. :) I wish I could say I have some secret stash of IRL friends who buoy me up, but I don't. I moved to CA from the East Coast shortly after marrying DH. I didn't and haven't worked b/c I was preggo and then SAHM with DD. And I am cut from different cloth than DH's friends' wives.

Maybe if you tell us your metro area, someone from here will live near you and PM you for a playdate. If it was me, I would be willing to drive to a park near your house for a picnic lunch/ playdate. I am sure there must be others.

[wellyes]

It's tough. But just imagine - how much tougher it must've been for our mothers and grandmothers who didn't even have online. The web really helps me realize I'm not alone & I'm not even that weird :) even though compared to my next-door neighbors that is hard to believe sometimes.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Any way you could get involved with your kids' schools? I threw myself into volunteering last year and have really made so many more friends. Even if I am not feeling particularly social, it is nice to go in and at least be around other people.

I'd personally be willing to drive dh in at least once/ week and make an effort to get out and do something that day. It'll be something to look forward to, you'll get extra time with dh and you'll kill some time. :)

Beth

[kijip]

Is there anyway to obtain a cheap second car? Even just a 10 year old Corolla or something so you have some mobility during the day? Even if you are too shy to talk to people, just being stuck at home all day makes it worse.

It sounds like there is no where to walk, but even just going for a walk can help. Another thing- if your husband works for a decent sized company, maybe there is someone he could carpool with, thus leaving you the car at least some of the time?

[ha98ed14]

It's tough. But just imagine - how much tougher it must've been for our mothers and grandmothers who didn't even have online. The web really helps me realize I'm not alone & I'm not even that weird :) even though compared to my next-door neighbors that is hard to believe sometimes.

Oooo, C'mon and tell us about your neighbors! We' haven't have a Jones Update in ages and I am itching for the scoop on no one I know! Are they completely bizarre or so normal you think she is a Stepford Wife? Are they polygamists? Maybe there are TWO Stepford Wives!

[Corie]

Is there anyway to obtain a cheap second car? Even just a 10 year old Corolla or something so you have some mobility during the day? Even if you are too shy to talk to people, just being stuck at home all day makes it worse.


I agree with Katie!! I cannot imagine being trapped at home every day
for 10 hours! Seriously, I would go looney.

I would talk to your DH about buying a cheap 2nd car and then you should
join a MOMS Club/MOPS Club.

I moved across the country about 2.5 years ago to Rhode Island (from Dallas, TX).

I just jumped into clubs, activities, library storytime, etc. Anything to get
out of house!

[Beckylove]

I am a shy person too and just moved to a brand new area a year ago. I have to plan a lot of activities to prevent loneliness. Here are things I've done:

1. Make friends with your DH's co-workers. Is there anyone he likes at work? Invite them and their families for a bbq. I know you are less lonely when DH is home, so why bother, but it is a good way to meet some other wives(or hubbys) where you have a built in thing to talk about- kids, the job, other characters at the workplace.
2. Library storytime. I go as often as I can. I am starting to get to know the other regulars names and am saying hi. Again you can try to chat about the kids, or if you notice someone was gone a week ask if they had a trip or something.
3. We attend a church and go to a small group Bible Study. I know that you said that the majority of the people in your area have very different religious views-- with some research there might be a congregation that fits your needs. If not, that is just one idea that has worked for me. I like being in the small group because we go with DH & kid, so I have backup, and as I've gotten to know people I have someone to chat with when I seem them at services instead of just walking in and walking out.
4. Errands. Sad, I know, but just going to Sams Club or Hobby Lobby makes me feel like I am having some human interaction, even if it is only pleasantries with the checker. I get lonliest at home during the day. So an errand a day just breaks the day up so I'm not at home all day every day.

Those are the things I do. I have researched the local Mom's Club and mean to call to see if I can get into a play group. But I'm nervous and haven't done it yet.

HTH. I know it is hard, but slowly cultivating aquatainces into becoming friends has been beneficial for me. I know it can be tough when you feel like they have such different views, but I try to remain non-judgmental about different lifestyle choices, and then trying hard to find common ground to talk about. Books, tv or movies, kids and husbands, cooking, shopping, etc.

Good luck.

[Ceepa]

Can you walk anywhere? Park? Store?

[frgsnlzrds]

I am within walking distance of the library. But-and I don't mean to sound snobbish in any way!- I think I have more books than they do. In a town of just over 5,000, the library is teeeeeeeny. They do have story hour once a week, which I really try to get to, but it always seems to rain on tuesdays. I have checked for mom's groups, but I can't find any. I even asked the librarian if there were book clubs or bridge clubs or anything. Months ago I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter anyway, because I a) didn't have a sitter and b) couldn't get there anyway!

I'm not far from the LaSalle/Peru, IL area, but I don't think I've ever seen posters from here.

I have been begging DH for a car, but we can't seem to save up any money right now, and a car payment is just not in our budget unless we put the student loans on forbearance again, and that's just getting too expensive.

And Beckylove, that is a fabulous suggestion about meeting DH's coworkers. I would love to meet who he hangs out with everyday, but ... I don't think they'd come and I don't think they'd be my friends! DH works at GameStop with a bunch of teenagers. (ETA: teenage boys) They don't have much in common.

Thanks for the suggestions. Hanging out here has definitely helped.

[SnuggleBuggles]

How about posting a flyer at the library looking to set up a playgroup? Arrange to meet at the park and see if you hit it off with anyone.

Beth

[kijip]

How about posting a flyer at the library looking to set up a playgroup? Arrange to meet at the park and see if you hit it off with anyone.

Beth

Yeah, I bet there are others coming to the library looking for people the same as you. Post a flyer and see what happens.

[mommy111]

I come here, read the news, play with DCs. But if I was not able to get out during the day, I would get cabin fever. In your place, I'd go to the library, if nobody else, there is always the librarian to befriend.

[TonFirst]

Could you plan some daytrips with the kids? You could all drive your husband to work, spend the day somewhere fun (you could pack a cooler with goodies so it wouldn't have to be expensive), and then pick your husband up on the way home?

I also like the idea of posting a flyer at the library, and maybe volunteering at the library - that's a great way to meet people.

Finally, how different from you are your neighbors? Have they been clear that they do not want to hang with you because of your beliefs, or are you just perceiving them as being so different that you don't think a neighborly friendship is possible? Seriously, if you are the lone adult at your house with three kids, and if something - anything were to happen and you needed a grownup to swoop in and watch two while you took one in for say, stitches, who is there for you? I am of the mind that when you are a SAHM, knowing your neighbors is critical, if only for the "Hey, got to run to urgent care, can my other kid stay with you for a couple of hours?" factor.

[kijip]

Finally, how different from you are your neighbors? Have they been clear that they do not want to hang with you because of your beliefs, or are you just perceiving them as being so different that you don't think a neighborly friendship is possible? Seriously, if you are the lone adult at your house with three kids, and if something - anything were to happen and you needed a grownup to swoop in and watch two while you took one in for say, stitches, who is there for you? I am of the mind that when you are a SAHM, knowing your neighbors is critical, if only for the "Hey, got to run to urgent care, can my other kid stay with you for a couple of hours?" factor.

This is a very good point.

[misshollygolightly]

I like the idea of packing up the car and driving DH to work occasionally. Then, you could plan to spend the day at museums/parks/fun stuff near where he works, and bring him home at the end of the day.

Do you attend a church? If so, are there any social prospects there? Other moms you could try to get to know better? Churches are also often good places to ask about moms groups. Even if you don't attend church, you might be interested in a church-sponsored moms group?

How about packing a picnic and walking to a park/the library/whatever?

Is there a coffeeshop within walking distance? Those can be great places to hang out for a little bit (w/ or w/out kids), and perhaps meet people.

Might it be worthwhile for you to hire a taxi once in a while? If there was *anything* worth going to during the day (local museum, mall, a playdate, whatever), it might be worth the fare just to get out of the house occasionally. Hopefully, once you attended a moms group or playdate a few times, you'd be able to catch a ride with one of the other folks.

It sounds like a difficult situation--I hope you find some people to connect to soon! I know this sounds a little drastic, but have you mentioned this to DH? An hour long commute sounds awfully long for a GameStop. Do they have any branches closer to your home? Would y'all consider moving closer to DH's work at some point? An hour seems far away--especially if you've only got one car and there's nothing really appealing about the town (you don't have family, close friends, or entertainment options, from what you've said).

[arivecchi]

Can DH drop you all off at a train station in the morning so you can go to Chicago and do fun stuff for the day? I'd be happy to give you some ideas for things to do in town.

[tiapam]

I have two friends who grew up near there, but they don't live very close now. I would think it would be friendlier being a small town. But I am a city gal so maybe I am stereotyping.

Since you don't have transportation, I think you are going to have to invite someone to your house. Is there anyone at storytime who you think you would click with? Just inviting them over for a snack would be a start.

You don't need to take on a car payment to buy a car. If you can save a few hundred dollars, and can afford the reg, gas, and insurance, you could buy a beater just for getting around town.

I know you already have your hands full with three kids, but have you ever considered babysitting in your home a few hours a week? Ideally you would make money and new friends. And you kids would have someone else to play with besides each other.

I found this info on:

http://www.newcomersclub.com/il.html#LaSalle

ILLINOIS VALLEY NEWCOMER CLUB
LaSalle, IL 61329 updated Apr-2005
Hostess: Cheryl Meyer (815) 220-1803
Purpose of the group is to welcome new people into the Illinois Valley (which includes several surrounding towns & villages). We are a support group to people who have no family in the area and are finding their way around.

Good luck. Even with lots of friends, neighbors and relatives, sometimes I scroll through the numbers on my phone and realize none of them are quite the right person to talk to about something, or the person I want to talk to is not available. I always feel really lonely at times like that! Like, I am surrounded by humanity, but no humans to actually connect with at the moment.

[infomama]

My very social cousin moved away from her friends to be closer to family and ran into the same issue. She used www.meetup.com (http://www.meetup.com) and has met a few neat people. I searched Peru IL and there are 65 Meetup groups there (23 are parenting groups including moms groups http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/il/peru/groups/family/?radius=50.0)
worth a look.

[TonFirst]

I've been thinking about the OP a lot today. I agree with the PP that an hour's commute seems a little extreme for a retail job, although I certainly appreciate that right now, any job is a good job. But certainly the gas and wear-and-tear costs for an extreme commute are similar to what the costs would be to have two cars with a more reasonable commute.

I also have a hard time thinking that *all* of the people in your town, small as it is, are that different from you. I think that when one is isolated, it is easy to fall into the trap of navel-gazing to the degree that you think that everyone else is different from you are, or won't like you. The religious/political thing really gets me - I realize that I am an extremely extroverted person and I am thankful that making friends is pretty easy for me - but it certainly didn't come naturally. You have to be a friend to have a friend, KWIM? My dearest friends don't necessarily share my political or religious views, but what we do have in common is our love for our kids and our desire to create a wonderful world - and a wonderful daily life - for our children.

You've said that you are lonely, but what about your children? Do they have friends through school or activities that they hang out with, have playdates, etc.? You children's friend's parents are an easy option for friends for you - you already have something in common - your kids are friends - and even if you don't do the same things on Sunday mornings, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy spending time with them on a Tuesday afternoon.

I truly don't want this to sound harsh or that I'm piling on you, but I really have been thinking about this thread all afternoon, and I think that if you want to be less lonely, it is entirely up to you to make the changes in your life to allow people in. And what's more, if you don't think you have the tools you need to make these changes, please talk to someone who can help you overcome your shyness so you can enrich both your life and your children's. I hope that your husband understands how important this is to your life, as well.

[DebbieJ]

LaSalle/Peru is a rural place--it's no surprise you're not impressed with their library. Just remember you're not there to get books.

Where does your DH work?

[aa2mama]

I googled for a Peru, IL MOPS group and came across this website that looks like it has some promising resources:

http://ivareaparentreferences.blogspot.com/

What do you have within walking distance? The swimming pool is one of my favorite places to hang out in the summer. Do you have a bike & bike trailer? That could increase your options of places to go. If going somewhere isn't an option, I prefer to be outside as much as possible. I'll set up a couple of kiddie swimming pools in the backyard and a sprinkler and put out a lounge chair for myself with a soda or iced tea and a stack of magazines.