How to support DH who supports DD & me?

[ourbabygirl]

Just got off the phone w/DH, who's traveling again this week for work. He was at the office until 11, so he'll be going to the hotel to bed, then back to work by 8 a.m. His luggage is at least 2 days late in arriving, got food poisoning on his last trip & hoping he didn't get it again at dinner tonight, and in general he's just pretty fried. He said, "I do this for you and DD" in a half-joking/sarcastic way, and I know that he didn't say/ mean it in an angry way, just more sad & exhausted. It's not like my week will be a piece of cake, either, alone with a baby who's going through a big crying stage for whatever reason (crying when I put her to bed, crying at dr. appt. today for no reason, etc.), but it's different than traveling for work and all the crap that goes with it.
If there's anything I could do to make his job easier, less stressful, less annoying, monotonous, I would. I just feel bad that I'm able to stay home w/ DD when he has to struggle through a job he really doesn't like because it pays the bills. He'd like to start his own business but doesn't know how or what he would do. I know that he's smart and motivated enough to do it, but it's hard to find the time and energy when he's working so much for his job and on projects around the house (yard, etc.).

Anyone BTDT? Advice on how to support my sweet hubby who's doing so much to take care of us?
Thanks...

[wellyes]

Isn't it funny and sad that we end up taking our stress out against the very people we love the most? It sounds like he's have a lousy week. I think you're doing the best thing - listen to him, be a sounding board. Without wilting completely (heck yes I understand that your week's been tough too). You and he are partners and you're both making sacrifices for your family.

One thing I do --- and I know this wouldn't work for everyone -- is I pretty much insist on day trips most weekends. Even just a couple of hours. On Saturday DH woke up and started writing his to-do list for chores around the house ..... but I'd already packed us up for a quick trip to the beach. We were just there for 2 hours or so, but it was great to play with the baby in the water for the first time. Go hiking or canoeing or have a picnic or rent some bikes. Get outside and make some memories as a family. Stop and enjoy this time of being parents, don't just focus on the obligations, because time is flying.

[niccig]

One thing I do --- and I know this wouldn't work for everyone -- is I pretty much insist on day trips most weekends. Even just a couple of hours. On Saturday DH woke up and started writing his to-do list for chores around the house ..... but I'd already packed us up for a quick trip to the beach. We were just there for 2 hours or so, but it was great to play with the baby in the water for the first time. Go hiking or canoeing or have a picnic or rent some bikes. Get outside and make some memories as a family. Stop and enjoy this time of being parents, don't just focus on the obligations, because time is flying.

I agree...try to make family time fun time. I know it's difficult now as you have a baby, but as DS has gotten older I've been able to do more things around the house - I do some of the chores that DH normally does, so he doesn't have to do them. I don't do it all the time, but when he's stressed at work, and I think everyone is at the moment, so I've told him that I'll take on more house stuff without complaining, and give him some more down time. I set up a scuba diving play date with another dad that we know from the park. DH really misses scuba diving and we used to do it together, we don't go as we need a sitter for DS. So I've set it up for DH to go this weekend with this other parent, he'll love it...and I've told myself that I won't complain about him being gone.

I also know that I'm really lucky. I do want to go back to work, but in a different field and DH is supporting that even if I have to go back to school. He's told me to do it, but it will be expensive. So I figure, several weekends a year of him diving one day, and then his annual guys weekend is a good way to say thank you.

So, I would try to find ways to have some down time and some family time...and to tell him how much you appreciate everything that he does.

[eidean]

Well, I'm there too. DH works a job he doesn't like and makes enough that I was able to stop working when DS was born. If I could come up with a good, viable, enjoyable way to get him out of there and still maintain our economic stability, I'd do it in a heartbeat--but I don't have any idea how since he gets a good paycheck and has great benefits. *sigh* The one thing I make sure to do is tell him regularly that I appreciate what he does for us. He usually tells me he appreciates what I do taking care of DS, and it definately feels good to hear it--makes me feel a bit better after a bad day--so I know it must help him too. I also occassionally leave a little treat in the bag DH takes to work (a note "from" DS or something) and on very rare occasions I take DS to meet him for lunch. It helps break up his day.

It's definately hard to be here, but I think it's important to just keep talking and reminding each other of how we feel about each other.

[plusbellelavie]

I have found myself in a similar sitution as you except that my husband enjoys his job but it is stressful and requires quite a bit of traveling.

First I try very hard not to take any off handed remark he might say personally and realize that it is the stress/situation talking more then anything although if it really bothers me I talk to him a couple days later when things are less stressful for him and I have mulled it over a bit. 99% of the time he didn't mean anything by it and is sorry that I took it badly.


Something that I found that works for us is that I support and insist that he find time on the weekend to do his hobby of building and flying model airplanes especially if there is something around the house that can wait or be done at another point in the week. He is more relaxed and ready for his work week on Monday because he has been able to do something that he enjoys, that relaxes him, and is completely different from his career. An added benefit is that over the years that he has shared his hobby with our two older kids who love doing it as well so it is something that they can do together and 'bond' over!

I am sure you do this already but I also tell him how much I appreciate how hard he works and in front of the kids (mine are older though 9 and almost 7) I tell them how lucky we are that I can stay home at this time and take care of them and the baby and that a lot has to do on how hard their Daddy works etc.. Everyone LOVES to hear that we appreciate them and notice what they do even us stay at home moms!

Good luck I am sure you are doing an awesome job already!!

[stella]

Can you send him something nice to his hotel - like men's bath or shaving stuff, a cookie bouquet, a book from amazon? and a lovely card that says how much you and dd appreciate the hard work he does for you?

I *know* you need it too (don't we all?) but it sounds like he is the one in a crisis right now, and he needs some TLC and appreciation, and then he would smile, think loving thoughts about you and dd, and then soldier on more happily? knowing that what he does is important and valued by you?

[newg]

One thing I try to do for DH when he is going to be traveling is make sure he has a bunch of current photos of DD with him.......I got him a small digital picture frame as a gift at christmas and before he leaves for a trip I'll sit down and fill it with the newest pictures of DD that I've taken......he loves showing the pictures off to coworkers and clients and just looking at some of the silly pictures puts a smile on his face......
We both have picture/video phones too, so I try really hard to make sure I take tons of photos and videos of DD during the week and send them to him, so he doesn't feel like he's missing as much.......
It also gives us something fun to talk about at night when he calls, rather than one of us complaining to the other about the long/stressful day.....

and along with pp....DH loves to swim....so I try to gently push him to go swimming at night or in the mornings while DD is sleeping....that way he isn't missing any awake time with her...but he's getting to enjoy something he loves to do....

[kransden]

Can you send him something nice to his hotel - like men's bath or shaving stuff, a cookie bouquet, a book from amazon? and a lovely card that says how much you and dd appreciate the hard work he does for you?

I *know* you need it too (don't we all?) but it sounds like he is the one in a crisis right now, and he needs some TLC and appreciation, and then he would smile, think loving thoughts about you and dd, and then soldier on more happily? knowing that what he does is important and valued by you?

I hide things in his bag occasionally. A book, a note or a picture dd drew. My DH is not very observant. So I often tell him during our evening chat to look.

We also eat dinner together frequently during the school year. I put DH on the speaker and we talk to him during dinner. That way he knows what is going on in dd's life. We got a laptop so maybe we'll do a webcam next fall?

[AJP]

I hope to read all the replies and get some advice on how to support my own DH. He is in a similar situation where he works 7 days right now (self employed in the food bus.) and up to 16 hours some days.
I know when my DH says "I do this for you guys" it is his way of reminding himself that there is something good in the not too distant future of him being gone so much. It is more of a reminder to himself than to me. I know why he does it and feel so guilty sometimes!! He survives it all by reminding himself that it is the best thing for our family right now, and that his dream is to have the best for his kids and to have me home with them. I try to remember not to be so bitchy when I've had a bad day - his dream would be to be home with the girls 24/7, and listen to him complain and remind him that we think he's awesome and we appreciate him more than anything.
He gets his energy/stamina from the belief that one day soon, he will be home more! I like trying to plan outings on the 2 evenings he's home every week, but have to remember not to complain when all he wants to do is lay on the floor and play with the girls.
With his business, even if I was to start working, he'd still have to keep crazy hours. It isn't only the issue of the paycheck when self employed in the food biz. I have spent a few (too many) nights bawling my eyes out b/c I feel like a single parent and have to remind myself that he isn't gone cause he wants to be.
Huge hugs...I know where you are coming from and how it is to feel so helpless in helping him.

[ourbabygirl]

Thanks, Everyone, for the wonderful ideas! I will definitely do some of these on his next trip...