Invite estranged gpa to DC bday party?

[ourbabygirl]

With DD's birthday coming up, I'm starting to think about who to invite to it, and would like your two cents. DH's parents are married but not living together (been this way for at least a few years), and his dad has only been around our little one probably once, at her baptism. He's pretty flaky and doesn't come around or get together for holidays, and doesn't even maintain contact w/DH (doesn't return phone calls, etc.). DH thinks he has mental issues, which he probably does, & I think we'd both rather sever the ties w/him if we could. In general, DH's family is very different and basically just keeps in touch with us to ask him for money which they never plan on paying back, etc. Nevertheless, they all came to the baptism, and with my family there too, it was stressful and very awkward & uncomfortable. I don't know how to handle holidays and family gatherings in the future... other than the baptism and a housewarming or two over the past 5 years, I haven't hosted anything because it's so uncomfortable to have both of our families together (plus his side is very flaky about showing up, or arriving on time, etc.).
If you were me, WWYD? Have two little bday parties, one w/my family and one w/his? My siblings and their in-laws get along great and even vacation with my parents; I feel bad that our situation is so different. I don't know how to handle things w/DD as she gets older and will probably start to ask questions. I want to be fair to both sides and not favor my side, but it's just so much easier to get together with them and have a normal, functional relationship.

Thanks for your input!

[new_mommy25]

At the time of my DS's first birthday party my parents were estranged from my paternal grandparents. I didn't invite them to the party and I still feel guilty about it. Go with your heart. If it will be too uncomfortable with them there, they don't invite them to the party. You can always invite them over for dinner/cake on another day to celebrate. Or you can suck it up and deal with the weirdness. It may be uncomfortable but they are DD's family too. What does your DH think?

[wellyes]

I think two parties is a fine idea. Think of it this way - lot & lots of families have two Christmases, two birthday parties, two Easters, etc. Multiple parties is actually pretty normal.

We do because our older relatives can't get around well (in their 80s and 90s, so we go to them). Other people do it because the families aren't close enough together geographically. Or because one side of the family is really big..... if grandma has 6 kids who each have 3 kids, she can't always come to every party. Or like yours, because the two sides of the family just don't have a good time together.

I can tell you are not fond of your FIL, but it would be a kindness for you to let him experience a birthday party with his grandchild. I know that some the relatives I see infrequently do really get a lot of joy from seeing the littlest family members try to blow out candles or eat cake messily.

[kransden]

Is your family ok with him? I know you might find him stressful, but often other people don't care. I just put in my 10 minutes then hand him off to the next relative. Often if people are told something is not right, they are much more accepting.