How to discipline for unacceptable behavior at preschool

[Happy 2B mommy]

Do you punish/discipline for bad behavior at you DC's preschool or daycare?

DD is 2 years 8 months and attends a larger daycare/preschool 2 mornings a week. Today she was just awful there. BOTH her teachers talked to me about it - she was throwing toys AT others indoors, throwing/dumping wood chip mulch at another child's head and making him cry while outdoors and rubbing applesauce on another child at lunch. This is not her typical behavior at all. Her teachers asked if she was acting up at home since DS was born. While there is definitely more drama and defiance it's pretty minor, although she has regressed in potty training, thumb sucking and putting objects into her mouth.

I do plan to talk to her about her behavior at school after she wakes up from nap (she fell asleep on the short drive home). Is she too young to experience "suffereing the consquences" of earlier bad behavior? I'm thinking about making her throw away her cupcake instead of having it for dessert.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I learned some wise advice from another Beth on here (egoldberg) that you should let the school take care of discipline and consequences for things that happen there. Don't carry it over to home. I used to get really upset with ds1 and his behavior at preschool and I think me making a big deal about it at home made things worse. As he has gotten older I simply leave it at reminding him what is ok and what isn't ok. If appropriate I help him brainstorm ways he could have handled things differently but at 2y8m that lesson might not work, though you could suggest some.

Don't make her throw away her cupcake. I don't think she will really put 2 and 2 together. And, I said, the preschool handled things and you will talk to her but that's enough.

Beth

[brittone2]

I've always read the recommendation to let what happens at school stay at school...if they addressed it, I would let it go. I think that is particularly true with a child her age...she is sooo young and is unlikely (IMO) to connect any "punishment" to her behavior after the fact.

With a new sibling, I think her behavior is very age-typical, although I'm sure frustrating. Even if she seems adjusted at home, a new sibling creates major emotional upheaval. At her age, she isn't going to articulate that she's feeling XYZ about her sibling's arrival...but she'll show you through her actions.

On the GCM site there is a saying about filling up their cups first (eta: meaning when you are seeing not so great behavior, there's often an underlying reason...it is hard to "act good" when you don't feel "good" emotionally). With the arrival of a new sibling and the major changes that brings to the entire family, I'd actually work on giving her "time in" and extra time and attention vs. punishment.

The cupcake is not related at all to what she did at school, and IMO is more likely to just mar your relationship right now (in the midst of her upheaval) than to change or shape her behavior.

[nov04]

I agree with the pp's.

I'd like to add though that dd2 is only a few months younger. If she was doing this type of thing at school/daycare etc, I would expect them to be figuring out if she were tired or sick if she were acting so strange and not letting it escalate the way it did. I think a little extra TLC would have been warranted for her.

[brittone2]

I agree with the pp's.

I'd like to add though that dd2 is only a few months younger. If she was doing this type of thing at school/daycare etc, I would expect them to be figuring out if she were tired or sick if she were acting so strange and not letting it escalate the way it did. I think a little extra TLC would have been warranted for her.

ITA. Anyone w/ any experience in how hard it is for siblings to adjust to a new arrival should have connected the dots, kwim? (meaning I'm sure the daycare has BTDT before and I would have expected they'd figure out what is up...)

Also, there's often a "honeymoon" period when the new baby arrives. Once the older sibling realizes the baby is a permanent fixture and not a temporary "fun" thing...reality sets in and the behavior can get rocky a few weeks into things :hug: We had that happen too. And it also escalated once DD became mobile around 6 months...all of the sudden she could go after DS's things, etc. and he was less than thrilled for a while.

[egoldber]

Well, as quoted ;), I learned long ago that it was better to let the school deal with things that happen at school. I actually got that advice from my MIL (crazy, no?) who was a former teacher and child psychologist.

Especially at that age, the time to discipline is in the moment. Hours later is too late.

Also, I wonder what the school is actually doing? There was a child in Amy's preschool class who had behavior like this at times. The school's method of dealing with it was that the child had to play with the teacher and stay by her side at all times. So it wasn't punitive, but the child did not get free rein to hurt others. I would see her being held by the teachers alot, so I do think that maybe that kid needed some extra snuggles for whatever reason.

[nov04]

Also, I wonder what the school is actually doing? There was a child in Amy's preschool class who had behavior like this at times. The school's method of dealing with it was that the child had to play with the teacher and stay by her side at all times. So it wasn't punitive, but the child did not get free rein to hurt others. I would see her being held by the teachers alot, so I do think that maybe that kid needed some extra snuggles for whatever reason.

This is what was done for dd1 at school when she was running away and hitting her assistant. We went from 1 week where she was pretty much asked to leave school to second week of wonderful adjustment and a great year. I credit the school with her amazing progress. We all met and committed to her success.

[niccig]

I don't discipline as the school has already done that, but we do talk about it and discuss how we can make better choices next time. Sometimes we role play the situation, so DS can practice what to say/do if the situation occurs again. I like him to know that I know what is going on at school and that the teachers and I are on the same page with things.

[hillview]

we do talk about it and discuss how we can make better choices next time. Sometimes we role play the situation, so DS can practice what to say/do if the situation occurs again.
:yeahthat:
I think it is good esp when kids are having a rough go of it to talk about what could be done in specific situations. Also I think it is good to talk about it, "what happend in school today?" "why do you think that happened" "what do you think you could do differently next time"

That said, for DS #1 he'd have been too young for too much of this at this age (2 y 8 m) -- but maybe start young and then you can grow this dialogue over time?
/hillary

[MamaMolly]

This is such a great thread! I'm so impressed with everyone's suggestions. I hadn't heard to let the school handle it, or the full cup idea. It is really giving me insight into DD (who is about the same age as the OP's DD). Thanks for the advice and suggestions, Mamas!

[bubbaray]

Um, she's 2. Isn't her behavior pretty much typical, especially if she's recently become a big sister? I expect my daycare to deal appropriate with this sort of behavior *in the moment*. I wouldn't deal with it later, especially with a child that age. I think if you don't catch them right away, they won't associate any discipline with the offending action.

I'm also not convinced that discipline in and of itself is helpful for 2yos. I expect my daycare to focus on redirection and prevention with this age group.

For example, why does the child have a (bucket or scoop?) means to pick up wood chips? At our daycare, the sandbox is a distance from the woodchip area and children aren't supposed to be using sandbox toys (buckets and such) around the woodchips (probably for this very reason).

Obviously, things happen, but if children are "wearing" each others' food, then IMO they need more supervision during mealtimes.

JMHO.

[DrSally]

Good ideas from others. I really like the idea of letting the school handle it b/c it happened at school. I'd make sure I was ok with *how* the school handles it. Every preschool I interviewed focused on redirection and "teaching" appropriate behavior. Several even said they wouldn't "isolate" a child. One, however, said they would do time-outs. I wasn't too happy about that since their discipline strategy didn't seem to well thought out in the first place and we don't do a lot of time-outs at home. I don't think they're necessarily a bad idea, but I'm not comfortable with a school administering punishment to a child that young. Time-outs are a punishment (a "negative" punishment, that is, removing something like time with mom and toys, rather than a "positive" punishment, that is applying something like a spanking, but a punishment nonetheless).

Annnnnyway, I totally agree to not do the cupcake thing. It won't be connected with the behavior and it could cause additional emotional havoc in what seems like a difficult time for her. The best scenario, like pp's said is to try to get to the bottom of the unusual behavior and some extra TLC to keep it from escalating.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Thanks to all the mama's for their excellent advice. I didn't get a chance to post after DD's nap as things got crazy and DH worked really late. I did talk to DD about school and what happened. She's really good at communicating (I think that's why she usually has few behavior issues/tantrums) She told me she "was naughty and threw woodchips at the baby" She didn't actually throw woodchips at a baby - it was classmate who is older than she is- but I thought her word choice was interesting. I've been trying to do 'time in', but I know what I'm doing is not enough.

I'm calling the school today to find out exactly how they dealt with her - I know they do timeouts. I think her teachers have gotten very used to her being their 'easy' student and I'm not sure how closely they watch her sometimes.

Oh, and DD did get her cupcake for dessert.

Thanks again to all the wise mamas!

Oh, and DD