Update on fixing my relationship with DD1

[salsah]

in an unrelated thread (http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=328881&highlight=ABC's) i mentioned my issues with DD1. Writing it out made me realize that I really need to work on it sooner than later. I was sort of in denial, hoping that things would magically improve with time, that dd1 would change. but the truth is that our problems have more to do with me than with her. not to mention that she is only 4 yrs old. she needs me to help her with any issues that she has.
I talked to my sister about it and she shared with me what worked for her. aside from moving far away from my mom, she became much happier when she lowered her standards. my mom (like me) is a perfectionist. Trying to please her is very stressful. Meeting her expectations is nearly impossible. I have set my standards for myself, my home, and my children high enough to meet my mom's expectations -- partially because i would like everything to be perfect and partially (unconsciously) to please my mom.

So for the last few days, i tried to relax, lower my standards and expectations, and enjoy DD1. I let the laundry pile up, the sink overflowed with dishes, there are toys and DD1 clothes or shoes on the floor of every room on the house, I haven't cooked, and I haven't yelled at DD1. Obviously this is just be a temporary change. eventually i will have to find a balance. but for now, i want to reduce my responsibilities (and associated stress) so that i can focus on my relationship with my girls. I also talked to DH about finding some time for me as well as some one on one time with each of the girls. (we actually had a scheduled worked out for that before, but it failed. so we will try again, but a new schedule.)

Since making the change, overall we were both happier and I actually had fun with her (we even had some one on one time without DH or DD2). It only lasted three days though. For some reason today hasn't been so great. I haven't changed anything. I'm still biting my tongue and letting most things slide but DD1 is horrible today. DD1 must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed. She has been whiny, angry, saying "no" to everything, mean to her sister, etc. I'm not sure what caused the change. I'm just trying to keep my cool but my patience is running out! I'm praying that things will be better tomorrow.

[wellyes]

the truth is that our problems have more to do with me than with her

:hug: Reading your post I see the shadow of what you DON'T want with your daughter..... for her to have to move as far from you as you had to from your mom when she grows up. Good for you for working on it, that kind of self-examination is really tough. I think this will do you both a lot of good. Best of luck to you.

[sunshine873]

:bighand: A big hand for taking the responsibility to try to improve things. It sounds like you took the right steps to get things started, yet realize that there will have to be a happy medium somewhere down the road.

Don't get locked into the perfectionism thing when it comes to your relationship with DD1 either though. Even the very best relationships have cloudy days. Revel in the good times over the last few days and hopefully tomorrow or the next day will be better again.

[shawnandangel]

Good for you! I'm glad to hear you're taking steps to improve your relationship with your DD.

As for her mood change - has she had any new things in her diet? I would ask some moms here about trying gluten free or milk free if she is acting up out of nowhere. Lizajane is a good person to ask.

[jacksmomtobe]

Salsah I read your prev post (&the responses). I am so glad that you have begun working on a fix for your relationship with DD. It sounds like you are on the right track. Maybe today she is just having a bad day (don't we all sometimes).

I've been reading a book that I thought might give me some insight into my DS's personality which has some challenges and there are actually sections about the parent's personality and how it effects how you react to your child. That portoin has actually been the most useful part of the book to me. I didn't realize how much my personality can play into the situation.

Keep up the good work but don't get frustrated if some days things don't go well. Things don't change overnight but hopefully if you persist there will be many more good days!

[randomkid]

I'm glad to hear you are working on your relationship with DD1. I noticed from the other thread that there seemed to be a lot of baggage from your relationship with your Mom that was spilling over into your relationship with your DD. It's nice to see that you are realizing that and working on it.

As you said, you have to find a balance with not being a perfectionist, but also getting your chores done. This is a hard balance for me. I either spend all day cleaning or I spend time with DD. Lately, I've been in the cleaning mode and haven't had as much quality time with DD as I'd like. I'm not a perfectionist, but when things get cluttered and dirty, I get irritable, so I'm still a better Mom if things are picked up and clean. My house is far from perfect, but I'm working on making it better. My 4 years of spending a lot of time with DD has caught up with me. I'm now working on that balance of keeping up with the house, completing some projects around here AND spending time with her - it's tough!

It seems like you might also have to find a balance with letting things go with your DD while still discipling her so her behavior doesn't get out of control. I do think you need to make sure she is behaving herself. She will get mad at you, but that's normal. As long as she can come around later and be happy with you, KWIM? Everybody has a bad day, but I make sure DD knows her behavior on those days is not acceptable. However, I do tend to slack off a bit if she is having one of those days so I'm not on her constantly.

Good Luck!

[brittone2]

Another :bighand: for taking the time to reflect on this issue and make an effort to identify/work on the underlying stuff.

What a great mama you are to your DD :hug:

[ellies mom]

Since making the change, overall we were both happier and I actually had fun with her (we even had some one on one time without DH or DD2). It only lasted three days though. For some reason today hasn't been so great. I haven't changed anything. I'm still biting my tongue and letting most things slide but DD1 is horrible today. DD1 must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed. She has been whiny, angry, saying "no" to everything, mean to her sister, etc. I'm not sure what caused the change. I'm just trying to keep my cool but my patience is running out! I'm praying that things will be better tomorrow.

You have changed thing up and now she is trying to figure out the new status quo. It is pretty normal when big changes take place. Hang in there. I think figuring out that you were repeating the dynamic between you and your mom and trying to change it now is great. Realizing the problem is half the battle.

[DietCokeLover]

Good for you Mama!!! It's never easy to take a step back and see where you could have been heading in the wrong direction, but so wonderful to start down that new path. Remember, it has taken 4 years for you to get to where you are, so nothing will change quickly. But, your DD will notice a change in you and she will have to respond to it.

Hang in there and give yourself pats on the back for trying to make a better relationship for you and your baby.

[vludmilla]

I am very impressed with how much you were willing to reflect on the situation AND make changes! This is such a difficult thing to do and so very many people never do it. (I'm thinking your mom might be one of them ;) )
I'll echo the point to not worry about the bad day today. Family systems theory tells us that when one person in a family makes a change, even a really positive one, there are repercussions and the other members of the family will often try to bring the system back to the old, "worse" way of operating. Seems counterintuitive but it's not really. Just keep working on how you interact with DD and things are sure to improve for the long term if not every day.

[DrSally]

So insightful that you realized your high expectations are unconsciously to please your mother (which is a never going to happen, sounds like). I'm happy you've been able to relax. I know it's hard. I was a perfectionist too. I decided if I was going to get married and have children, I would have to let some go of my impossibly high standards for cleanliness and organization. With each child, it's gotten moreso. However, I realize that I will never enjoy life if I spend it all cleaning. Sometimes the mess drives me crazy, but I don't want to miss my children's life (or mine)!

As for DD's behavior today, it could just be normal variation. Or, it could be that your patience IS wearing thin and she's sensing that. Or, you know, anytime you institute change, it can take time for results to happen and sometimes things get better before they get worse, you know.

[ThreeofUs]

I have to say I am really impressed that you are changing your behavior and, it sounds like, addressing some deep issues in yourself to help you have a better relationship with your DD.

What an awesome - in both senses of the word - task! I can't tell you how great it was to see your post, really.

And ITA; keep working and don't let little things like a bad day push you away from your excellent efforts. You really will see a big improvement; just keep at it.

[maestramommy]

Just wanted to say that Dora is almost 4 and lately she's been just like your DD1. Whiny, demanding, "no" to everything, even stuff she wants. She ends up changing her mind 1 sec later. "no" is just her stock answer. Makes me nuts.

Part of it is Laurel, and part of it is her. More one on one time, FIRM limits, consistent follow thru, and "fake it til you make it" is what is getting us through this.

[lizajane]

YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!! way to go mama. you are an inspiration.

i think in the long run, you will be much happier to have a great relationship with DD than a super tidy home.

way to get aboard the positive energy train!!!

[salsah]

I am very impressed with how much you were willing to reflect on the situation AND make changes! This is such a difficult thing to do and so very many people never do it. (I'm thinking your mom might be one of them ;) )


no kidding. my DH brings this up every time there is a big fight between my mom and i (or my sister). his has a great relationship with his mom, always has. so not only is he surprised that my mom did not try to establish a positive relationship with us but that she hasn't tried to change -- especially now that we are grown up (she doesn't need to discipline us anymore so she can just be a friend).


So insightful that you realized your high expectations are unconsciously to please your mother (which is a never going to happen, sounds like). I'm happy you've been able to relax. I know it's hard. I was a perfectionist too. I decided if I was going to get married and have children, I would have to let some go of my impossibly high standards for cleanliness and organization. With each child, it's gotten moreso. However, I realize that I will never enjoy life if I spend it all cleaning. Sometimes the mess drives me crazy, but I don't want to miss my children's life (or mine)!


I don't know if it is really insightful. i was just thinking that now my mom is going to complain about me the way she complains about my sister. my gut feeling was one of fear, followed by stress. and i realized that worrying about what my mom will think is stressing me out more than the idea of being less than perfect. the mess stresses me out too, but not as much as my mom.


Just wanted to say that Dora is almost 4 and lately she's been just like your DD1. Whiny, demanding, "no" to everything, even stuff she wants. She ends up changing her mind 1 sec later. "no" is just her stock answer. Makes me nuts.

Part of it is Laurel, and part of it is her. More one on one time, FIRM limits, consistent follow thru, and "fake it til you make it" is what is getting us through this.

thanks for the tips. that is dd. i've been faking it hoping that i'll make it. firm limits and consistent follow thru is relatively easy for me but dh can't do it. we still need to work on the one on one time.




i think in the long run, you will be much happier to have a great relationship with DD than a super tidy home.



you are right, and i know it. i realize it every time i see my mom neglecting some one in our family of what they really need and want so that she can clean or cook. but as soon as i step away, i turn into her. it is so much easier to deal with housework (and i see the results right away) than it is to deal dd1.

[salsah]

thank you to each and every one of you who responded. your words of encouragement were just what i needed today.