Disciplining Twins (help!) )

[fivi2]

Has anyone found any good resources that discuss the special considerations when disciplining (or rewarding) twins? I think mine are a bit older than most of the regular posters on this board (even though they are only 3.5). But I am pulling my hair out!

I think part of it is just this age, but I do think that twins present special problems. They reinforce each other constantly, so my attempts to praise/ignore are pretty meaningless... I really haven't found anything helpful, but I was hoping someone else had?

TIA!

[Melaine]

Nope but I would sit at this computer for the next 3 weeks if I thought a helpful reply was coming.

[Melaine]

Wow, that sounded really pessimistic. Almost as if I didn't think there was an answer to this issue....
but I really really REALLY feel your pain right now. And I would even take it farther. I think identical twins are the most difficult, same-sex fraternal a little less difficult, and boy/girl twins the least difficult. This is just based on my observations about the twin dynamic. That being said, I really haven't found any particular methods to combat the challenges.

[twowhat?]

Ugh mine are only 10 months old and are fighting over toys (pulling hair and yelling warrior yells!) and throwing tantrums if they don't get their way. I am so tired already of all the crying...and to think that soon they will be doing this...with WORDS. O. M. G.

[Melaine]

Dang it, twowhat, we were hoping you had a solution.

Also, don't worry about the words....mine are still mostly fighting in shrieks and squeals.:shake:

[twowhat?]

I've posted a similar question on the TWINS magazine message board (which is WAY more active). Didn't get much of any response. Doesn't bode well, does it?

[fivi2]

Well, mine do fight in words, but quickly revert to attack mode! It does go in waves though, ime. We'll have a good stretch and then a terrible stretch.

But Ihave a problem with all of it. Rewarding one and not the other... Or if my natural punishment is to leave wherever we are bc of bad behavior, I feel terrible for the one who wasn't behaving badly... I haven't found a good punishment for trying to claw your sister's eyes out ;)

So yeah, identical girls here. I can't wait for middle school ;)

[Melaine]

But Ihave a problem with all of it. Rewarding one and not the other... Or if my natural punishment is to leave wherever we are bc of bad behavior, I feel terrible for the one who wasn't behaving badly... I haven't found a good punishment for trying to claw your sister's eyes out ;)


Yep, we have been dealing with this with potty training. At first DD2 was doing much better at potty training, DD1 was really struggling. Then we sort of took a break and DD1 started going by herself while DD2 seemed to lose interest. Either way, it was SO difficult to praise and reward one, the other one would just LOSE it and pitch a fit. EVERY TIME we get in the car, they both want one particular car seat (they are the exact same seat) and it is constant competition. You really can't even reward good behavior a lot of the time either. There are times when one child is behaving well (like riding cheerfully in the grocery cart) but the other isn't, so instead of letting one walk they just both stay in the cart.

[longamkl]

I have been wondering the same thing. My b/g twins are just about 10 months and he pulls her hair all the time. He gets a look a glee on his face (he's fascinated with hair) and no amount of my saying "no" sternly, slapping his wrist lightly or pulling him away seems to help. He just goes at it again right away.

They are also fighting over toys but that hasn't been as serious yet. He just doesn't seem to understand "no" although I swear he understands many other things I say...

Is there a book I should be reading?

[fivi2]

I just saw longamki's post. At 10 months, I don't really think they are old enough for impulse control. You pretty much just have to be there to run interference, IME.

I wish I did have a book rec!

Good luck :)

[Melaine]

So are we saying that there is no hope?

[fivi2]

So are we saying that there is no hope?

Was I telling pp there is no hope? I guess ;) I just meant that at 10 months I don't think you can stop something like hair pulling.

OR do you mean is there no hope for any of us? :)


I wish I knew. But one of us is going to make big bucks when we figure out the secret!

And if things are bad now, what happens when one gets invited to a party or date that the other one doesn't? Or gets into a better school? Ugh! How do people deal with same age children, especially kiddos that look so much alike! (I am sure fraternal twins have different challenges, I am just not familiar with those!)

I also worry that I am not letting them be independent. They are ALWAYS together. sigh.

[Naranjadia]

Oh, I don't know how I missed this thread!

We've been using -1-2-3 Magic as our general disciplining model, but there are plenty of twin "factors" it doesn't really account for - like the way they egg each other on, etc.

We also have the competition re: potty training, getting somewhere first, carrying dinner to the table, etc. It's difficult, because I don't want to make "everyone a winner" but I also don't want everything to be some high stake contest.

DD also grabs things from DS in order to get him to engage with her. She's done this since they were 10 months. I thought she'd outgrow it. Whatever he has, even if identical to hers, is the one she wants.

[twowhat?]

And I thought it was supposed to get easier as they got older!!! Yikes!

[Melaine]

OR do you mean is there no hope for any of us? :)


:yeahthat:
Just that no experienced twin mommy jumped in to give us the magical answer. I'm so disappointed!

[fivi2]

And I thought it was supposed to get easier as they got older!!! Yikes!

HAHAHAHA! :)

In some ways it does get easier... Honestly, nothing is as bad as those first few months of absolutely no sleep. But the challenges change. It usually comes gradually, though. Once they start crawling, you start to realize how much life will change when they become mobile. So even though it is way worse once they are walking/running, you have some preparation, iykwim.

When they were younger, the big thing for me was controlling the environment. I couldn't possibly stop both of them from doing certain things, so those things were off limits. I didn't try to discipline it out of them, I just removed the temptation. (where I could, obviously some things I couldn't) I had tons of gates in my house and several areas were off limits (in my tiny house).

But now... sigh. They have more freedom, which is nice, but does lead to more issues.

The best thing, though, is that they entertain each other A LOT. I can sneak away and get some stuff done. That part makes me wonder if I could handle having to entertain a singleton all the time, like many of my friends do. :)

But, I do worry that I am creating this co-dependent, super competitive monster ( ;) ) that won't be able to function in the real world!

[Naranjadia]

And I thought it was supposed to get easier as they got older!!! Yikes!

I have to agree with fivi2 - it does get easier in many ways.

I loved the period when they switched from parallel play to actually playing with each other. It's amazing and there are so many moments when I come across them happily playing together.

Also, despite their fighting over toys, I have noticed that they are more practiced at sharing than some of their friends without siblings near their age. Whenever another toddler throws a tantrum over not wanting to share a toy, they look at me like "What is going on?!?!" They share well with guests - I think they don't always share with each other more as a way to needle each other.

Another thing that I think is great for twins is that they learn that they don't always get what they want - in terms of which DVD to watch or book to read first. Not that they won't throw fits, but they have to deal with it every day which maybe makes it less of a big deal.

But there are just those discipline situations unique to twins that never seem to be addressed... :p

[twowhat?]

You know, as long as it never gets as hard as it was the first 3-4 months, I can handle it:) We compare EVERYTHING to the first 40 hours, and the first 3-4 months. It is easy as pie compared to those times and sometimes I just love the looks on people's faces when I go grocery shopping with car seats on top of both sections of the cart.

I am totally looking forward to getting past just parallel play (or should I call it parallel fighting?) But that's a couple years away. At least:)