Undesireable Behavior Help...And Playmate Question

[carolinamama]

DS1 is 3.75 yo. He has recently started saying things that are very ugly imo. Things such as "I'm going to break your head" or doing this "pshoo" noise while throwing his hand toward me when I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. He is also starting to talk back to us. Another lovely behavior he has recently acquired is screaming when he doesn't want to do something he was asked. Anyone have any creative ways of handling these behaviors? I've been asking him to leave the room if he feels that he needs to talk that way. Not working so well.:(

Another real concern of mine is a playmate that he has gotten closer to over the summer. It is a neighbor. I always noticed that this kid was alittle wild, but hey, my kid can get wild too. But as we played with them more - playdates, going out to lunch with them, and DS has been in a daycamp with him twice, I have seen more and more things that I just don't want DS to pick up. This kid is a year older than my DS, so he does look up to him. When I have asked my DS where he is learning some of these behaviors/sayings, he replies that he learned it from this boy with no prompting on my part whatsoever. It has gotten so bad that last week we were in their driveway with several other kids/moms. This boy started kicking his mom hard when she asked him to stop something. It was a really awkward situation but I immediately started getting my kids ready to head home and the other moms followed suit. The mom just told him to stop kicking her and walked away from him a bit. Now, I don't care how others discipline their kids - none of my business - but it is my business when my kid is picking up on these behaviors and thinking they are "cool". I am trying to figure out strategies on how to minimize their contact at this point, I think. At the end of the summer, it may be a natural fizzle to their friendship since they will go to different preschools and be busier with other activities. They are doing two more weeks of daycamp together - it wasn't planned but turned out they were signed up for the same ones. I really do like this mom and we seem to get along well. For awhile I just looked past these issues, but now they are really cropping up in our home more and more and I don't feel like it may be the best playmate for my DS. I am also not blaming this kid for my DS's behavior - but trying to find the best environment for my DS. I am not the only one in the neighborhood who has noticed this - one other neighbor has initiated this conversation to me about her concern. I stayed neutral in that convo though since I didn't want to get involved irl.

If you have read this far, thank you. If you have ever BTDT, I would really appreciate your feedback on how you handled the situation. I can try to not arrange any playdates on my end, but what do I do when they show up at our door? And the mom and I have started becoming friends so it's gotten alittle sticky.

[rwiklendt]

I'm very interested to hear responses, too. We're going through a bit of this (although my son is no angel and is in a terrible knight/sword phase), but ours is also coupled with lack of disipline of the other child. My son actually told the other boy, "No, I don't want to get in trouble by my mom!" when prompted to do an activity that we do not allow at our house. I've sort of taken the 'life isn't fair' approach and just because so and so does it doesn't mean you're not going to get punished for the same behavior, but is it fair?

[Meatball Mommie]

I've been on both sides of this situation.

First, when my oldest (now almost 6) was about 2-1/2, he went through this terrible pushing phase. It was awful and we, as parents, were very aware of it. In hindsight, we should have probably done more, but at the time, we thought a lot of it was acting out on his part (extreme jealousy with DS #2's arrival). At any rate, I was involved in a playgroup with about 8 other mothers. One of the mothers parented a little differently than I and had a real problem with the way I was handling my son. Instead of speaking directly to me about the problem, she sent emails behind my back to everyone else in the group. It was absolutely one of the worst times in my life - I was very upset about it. I ended up confronting her about it (via email unfortunately, since she dropped out of the group) and she just said that she didn't feel comfortable enough with me to say something to my face. We had been "friends" for over a year and had been to each other's homes, so I didn't really understand her pov, but I guess she didn't want a confrontation.

Anyway, my advice to you, as difficult as this may be for you, would be to try and talk to the mom about it. Maybe start off with a commiserating type of convo...like "boys are sure rough, huh?" and maybe come up with ideas/activities that are geared to getting them to act calmer and then activities that allow them to run around and just get all their energy out. Sympathize with her even if your son isn't behaving as badly as hers - it may get her to open up or acknowledge his "problem" behavior.

My son eventually grew out of his behavior and is totally wonderful. Not to say he's not rough sometimes, but it was just a phase and we worked through it.

Now, for the other side. He's now 6 and has a buddy at school that he's very close to. We like the parents a lot and even went out to dinner with them after a playdate. However, when my son and this boy play together, they are crazy! Lots of Star Wars play with shooting, etc. My son only acts this way around this other boy; he plays great with a variety of kids but never like this. DH doesn't want to encourage the friendship, but I don't think that's a good idea either. I'd rather work with both boys while they are at my house to get them to behave better, not just tell my son that he can't have a playdate with this boy. They see each other every day at school (small Montessori school - and the other boy is smart and well behaved at school - the teachers love him and think he's a delight). I just think they feed off each other and get too rambunctious.

HTH - sorry so long!

[lilycat88]

II've sort of taken the 'life isn't fair' approach and just because so and so does it doesn't mean you're not going to get punished for the same behavior, but is it fair?

We've sort of done the same thing. DD just turned 5. She has 2 neighborhood friends (one a year older, one a year younger) that both regularly do things we don't allow at our house. We've always emphasized "our" house rules vs. "others" rules.

The older girl comes to our house for 2 hours every week for a playdate and it was rough at first. Her parents let her be very rough in their home. She thinks nothing of dismanteling couch cushions, moving things around, jumping on furniture, etc. I had many discussions with the girls over the last year about homes having different rules and certain things aren't allowed at our house...like standing/jumping on furniture. When DD is at another home, she knows th expectations we have. Be polite, listen and follow the house rules. The last thing we say to her as we leave is "who's the boss" and she replies " _________'s mom/dad. If they allow those things at their home, I figue there isn't much I can do about it. If it was something truly dangerous, I figure I wouldn't let DD be going over there anyway.

The younger one just started playing with DD and we're still figuring out things like her total inability to listen, fighting over toys and sticking her tongue out. DD knows the rules in our house and I was very proud of her when she and this girl started a tiff over who got to play with something first. She knows that if a fight breaks out over a toy, the toy will be removed. So, after a couple of seconds, she told the girl that if they fought, they would lose it so they should take turns.

One of the bigger issues we've had is that the parents or anther 5 year old in the neighborhood allow their daughter to ride her bike in the street. It's a safe dead end street, by and large, but still...a street. There are sidewalks all around. We only allow DD to ride on the street if one of us is with her. We've had a couple of occasions of DD following this girl onto the street. She knows "our" rule is that she can't and that if she does, she has to park her bike and go in. So, we've had to pull out the our rules vs. their rules thing and life's not fair.

[tsem]

I have the same situation. We moved here when my boys were 4 and 2. They are now 9 and 7 years old. We have neighbors right across the street that have a son my oldest son's age. He is a wild kid and on the disrespectful side. My boys love playing with him! He gets away with things they aren't allowed to do. I am about done with inviting him over. He is great when it comes to playing sports outside but he will not sit down and play anything inside. Even when he was younger he has never played with toys. He is great for dress up and running thru the house. When my boys now go to his house all they do is play video games or watch tv which I don't allow a lot of at our house. He has also picked up all the curse words (from songs he watches on the internet) and is telling my boys about scary things he sees on the news!! They just act very bad around him and make bad choices around this kid.

I can tell you that it has not gotten any better. A few month ago I really started limiting our playdates with him and his sisters (that is another post). He is over today b/c his mom asked me to watch him this morning. Right before I saw your post I told my boys that their behavior with this boy over was not acceptable and if they can't control themselves when he comes over then he isn't coming over. They have already (at separate times) been up in their rooms this morning for bad behavior. I am glad I am not the only one with this situation. It is especially hard that we are neighbors and socialize with the parents. I will be checking this post to see how others handle wild friends.

Traci

[poppy]

I think it's hard to confront the mother, depending, b/c people get defensive about their kids and sometimes rather nasty, no matter how nicely you put it.

Not the same but one mother (an acquaintance) wanted a playdate with my infant DS but her infant DD was sick, currently on stronger antibiotics (other one didn't work) and I didn't feel comfortable. She said she's not contagious, just a bad ear infection. I know ear infections are not contagious, but the fact she just got over a cold and currently on antibiotics... I wanted to be safe and not sorry, so I said no and I told her why. The mom got very upset and cut ties. That's fine with me but I was very nice about it and tried to explain it and then drama. I really do not like drama. I guess that's why some ppl don't. Though going behind someone's back (emailing other moms) is very wrong...

[hillview]

I think this is a typical behavior for kids this age (mine at least). The verbal stuff is VERY normal from what I have read/seen. Read Ames "your 4 year old" DS #1 says things like "I am going to throw you into the garbage can" when he is angry about something. He will also kick etc when he is angry. This has nearly stopped. I work a lot with him on how to properly express himself. From what you have said, I wouldn't assume that the behavior is entirely being picked up (nothing terribly damning in what you posted about the other child). I'd work on dealing with feelings in appropriate appropriate ways (talking, punch a pillow etc).
HTH and of course just my experience/opinion ;)
/hillary

[pinkmomagain]

I personally would not encourage this relationship. When it's a situation that cannot be avoided (ie day camp this summer) then it's one thing, but I wouldn't be inviting this child over for playdates. If you like the mom, though, maybe get together for coffee without the kids. Hopefully, your child's unwanted behaviors will start to lessen when he doesn't have this kid's example.

I think confronting the mom on this is not the way to go.