S/0 of IL thread- would you take care of your ILs if they became seriously ill?

[gatorsmom]

What I mean is, would you move them in with you? DH and I talked about this when we first married. I said that if I was a SAHM I would take care of my parents when they became unable to take care of themselves and then we could move closer to his parents and I'd take care of them. This seemed reasonable because my parents were older than his very active, younger parents. I still see that playing out but I can see it being very difficult as his parents aren't very easy to get along with even now that they are young and healthy.

My 92 yo great aunt was just recently moved into a nursing home. She lived in her own house for decades before this. Now she shares a room with another lady and has NO privacy. It seems every time I go to visit she is in a new room. I personally would become very depressed if I was moved away from my belongings into a tiny hospital-like room with someone I didn't know. This is what drives my insistance to take care of my parents and ILs. And I know that I"m lucky that we are in a financial position where I can stay at home and do that.

ETA: I know that this plan may not be possible depending on the amount of care they need or if they become mentally unstable or dangerous to themselves or others.

Anyone else doing that or planning on it?

[bubbaray]

Not in a million years. If DH demanded that *I* look after FIL/sMIL (or that they move in with us), I would get a divorce. Totally NOT joking about that.

[BabyMine]

:hysterical: Absolutely NO!

Only my side of the family. DH agrees with this.

[poppy]

I'd like to say Yes, but if they are sick, then I'll say No. If they are self-sufficient, then maybe (we'll probably have to rotate them from sibling to sibling to share the load).

The reason is b/c my mom took care of her MIL and FIL, two separate times for many, many years. My mom didn't have time for me b/c she was so busy with work and her ILs who were sick, weak, very needy. Towards the end, she bathed her FIL, fed him, shaved him, did everything you'd do for a newborn. She took care of my MIL when she fell into a coma for a year. It took a toll on her. I admire her strength but quite frankly, after all that, she's not quite normal anymore. It saps you physically, mentally, etc. I think doing this takes away from your kids. I don't feel that my mom had time to mother me and sadly, I'm not close to her.... she didn't have time for me.
Until you've done it, or seen someone do it first hand, you have no idea.

Nursing homes make me sad too though so I understand your sentiment and I think you are a wonderful person to even think of doing it.

[malphy]

I was going to until my fil told me i was bad to them and disrespectful(which I am not, I even asked dh to make sure).



now they can go sh*t in a hat!!!

[LarsMal]

Only if there was absolutely positively no other option.

[AnnieW625]

No we wouldn't have them move in with us. Our house is 1100 sq. ft and it just wouldn't work. Now if they needed a retirement home or convalescent care near us and we had to oversee that then we would be okay with that. Our hopes are that they have enough saved for their long term care so that they can stay in a regular home or at least a nice retirement center as long as possible. Right now they live 250 or miles from the nearest big city Salt Lake City, but 90 min. from Jackson Hole, and Idaho Falls regional areas where there is most likely a larger hospital which scares me a bit as they get older and they aren't in the greatest shape (both have BP issues and FIL adds salt to everything), but there are a fair amount of retires in both Wyoming and Yuma, AZ (where they spend Jan.-May) so there has to be some sort of decent health care there.

[Tracey]

I'd divorce DH before I took care of his mother. She better be good to her daughter. If she had been a decent mil, or mother for that matter, things would be different. We would take in my parents happily. In fact, we'd have to fight my sisters to see who gets them.

[DietCokeLover]

I honestly do not care for my ILs very much, but if they needed me I would be there for them in whatever way I was able.

[Ceepa]

That's what my SIL is for.

[salsah]

I honestly do not care for my ILs very much, but if they needed me I would be there for them in whatever way I was able.

:yeahthat: the last thing that i want is to live with my parents (or ILs) but if they need me, how can i say no? even if it means squeezing together in a tiny home and cutting costs. if i am capable, then i will -- i'll hate it, but helping those in need, regardless of the relationship, is the right thing to do, imo.

with everything my parents did for me, i feel obligated. with everything that i do for my kids now, i would be sad if my kids refuse to help me when I am old and sick and need them most?

[malphy]

That's what my SIL is for.

Amen to that!!!

[firsttimemama]

I would not want to live with his mother or my father. I would consider letting my mother move in.

[vludmilla]

Absolutely yes. I adore my IL's, they are like a second set of parents to me. Now my mother, OTOH...oy, I guess I'd take care of her in my home out of obligation and duty...but it would not be my preference.

[egoldber]

Yes, we would.

[Octobermommy]

No, I don't think I would but my inlaws have daughters that would do it. I am an only daughter so I can already foresee me taking care of my parents.

[mamicka]

Yes. We discussed it before getting married. I wouldn't have married anyone who wouldn't be willing to help me care for my parents in our home... I have to be willing to do the same for his mom.

[s7714]

For any of our parents (DH's or mine) it would greatly depend on the amount of care they needed and what other care options were available at the time. So in theory yes, I'd do it, but I'd prefer all other options be exhausted first.

[mom2binsd]

Yes, absolutely. My IL's are wonderful people and treat me like their own daughter.

I wish I could care for my own father should the need arise, but he's in Canada and I'm in the US and he wouldn't have health coverage.

I currently work in many nursing homes and although I'd be ok with them being there for rehab (say immediately following a stroke) I'd prefer to have them with us instead of say assisted living. Also this would only be if they were able to be cared for at home and we could make the adaptations necessary (wheelchair accessible etc.)

I've always figured that if either one passes away the other one even if healthy would probably move in with us...of course there is the little matter of my 48 yr old BIL who lives with them too (he never moved out, ever, has a great job, pays no rent...) but I'm not taking him in, love him but not interested in doing his laundry!

[mominma]

No, I could never live with my FIL!

[daisymommy]

Simply put...not in a million years. Wow, what is it with in-laws? :tongue5:

[sste]

My inlaws and my parents would be VERY opposed to my caring for them, even if the nursing home was not private, homey, or their tenth choice. ILs have been very responsible in making plans, both financial and in terms of researching assisted living for the future with on-site nursing home if they need more intensive care. They have done this because they love their adult children and don't want to interfere with busy careers, young children, etc. My parents, generally not a model of selflessness and responsibility, would rather go to a crappy nursing home then put that kind of pressure on my young family. For myself, I save very carefully for retirement because there is no way in h*ll I would put that kind of burden on my son. My most important job is to enable his independence from me.

So, no I would not care for the ILs or my parents.

[cvanbrunt]

with everything you do for your kids now, how will you feel if your kids refuse to help you when you are old and sick and need them most?

You are assuming my MIL did something for her children. Or had any interest in raising them.

[pinkmomagain]

For any of our parents (DH's or mine) it would greatly depend on the amount of care they needed and what other care options were available at the time. So in theory yes, I'd do it, but I'd prefer all other options be exhausted first.

This. Actually, I have seen some good examples (my grandmother, my greataunt) where loved ones have remained at home and a home healthcare aid lives-in...with relatives visiting regularly (daily). This is what I would ideally envision. If a parent couldn't continue living in their own home, then perhaps they could move in with us and we would have an aid come daily to help.

[egoldber]

I suppose I should qualify. I would not have let my father into my home. He was too toxic and no, it would not have happened. Ever.

I would gladly take in my mother, but I don't think she ever will because 1) I will not let her smoke in my house and 2) she is too proud to ever admit she needs help.

I can see a day where my FIL will live with us. But he is healthy and hale and mentally fit at nearly 80. Still works 12 hour shifts as a pharmacist. I am worried that my MIL is already showing some early signs of dementia and if it got to be too bad, we would help with her care, but I would not care for someone with fullblown dementia or Alzheimer's in my home.

[crl]

No. DH and I have discussed this and we are in full agreement that if my parents need to live with someone, they are welcome to come and live with us, but his parents are not. It's a matter of the personalities involved rather than a matter of who is related to whom. ILs have sufficient money that they could afford assisted living if necessary and we would help find an appropriate place and visit if they chose one nearby, but we do not plan to ever have them live with us.

Catherine

[Momof3Labs]

Nope, no way. MIL moved back to this area from FL last December and we tried to encourage her to move close to us so that we could be there when she needed us (vs. close to DH's middle brother) but she wanted to live in a familiar area. She moved into an independent living facility so gets meals, laundry, cleaning service, etc. Now I'm glad that she didn't stay close to us. She pulls some real crap every now and then (did so before our wedding, too) that reminds me what kind of person she really is.

[hellokitty]

For any of our parents (DH's or mine) it would greatly depend on the amount of care they needed and what other care options were available at the time. So in theory yes, I'd do it, but I'd prefer all other options be exhausted first.

:yeahthat: I cannot stand my mil, even when she is healthy. She is the type who has been bugging to move in with us when she's retired and I have to say that I resent her expectation that she should just be able to move in with us if she wants to. My fil is a nice guy and honestly, I woudn't mind him moving in with us, if he was sick and it was something we could manage. For my own parents, I would definitely take in my mom unless her issues were too complicated for us to take care by ourself. My dad, I have mixed feelings about. He is non-compliant in general when it comes to his health and has an awful personality on top of it. He already has health issues, my gut feeling for him is that if he were to get sick, he's going to get really sick and it would be beyond us being able to care for him. Also, there are certain conditions, like alzheimers, where I would not feel comfortable caring for either set of parents with the condition, for their safety and our own safety.

[eliasmom]

That's what my SIL is for.

:hysterical:

I have given this a lot of thought. I have two SILs and a BIL. I don't think either my BIL's wife or I could tolerate my MIL and let's just say that my FIL has recently made some bad choices and may have cost himself his retirement. BAD choices. This may sound harsh, but they were such bad choices that I really would not be willing to extend myself and my kids financially to bail him out. My MIL would just drive me bat s*^t crazy and I think her own daughters can better deal with her. I wish I could feel more generous about it, but alas, no.

My parents speak frequently about not wanting to be a burden and taking steps now to provide for themselves. My only living grandparent has chosen to live in an assisted living facility near our family and refused to move in with any of us for exactly that reason. I would have taken in my grandma in a heart beat. If I needed to take in my parents, I definitely would. However, my family just seems to feel very strongly about this issue.

[niccig]

Not in a million years. If DH demanded that *I* look after FIL/sMIL (or that they move in with us), I would get a divorce. Totally NOT joking about that.

That's what my Dad said about my grandmother moving in...he would then move out. My grandmother moved to a retirement village - she had her own little condo. She was getting dementia and becoming dangerous - bowl of oatmeal in the microwave for 30 minutes. She was then moved to a nursing home, but she had the finances to afford a private room in a small facility. It was the best place for her as my mother could not have cared for her as she needed.

I don't know what will happen with our ILs/my parents. We can help them financially, but we would have to changing our living situation to have family stay long-term. And I don't know if I could do it...definitely not my mum, she drives me crazy and she lives 1/2 a world away.

[MMMommy]

I try to avoid MIL already as it is. In terms of her personality, she isn't intrusive, demanding or "buttinsky." But for reasons I can't go into (involving bad decision making that has negatively impacted my own family), I hold a grudge against her that I just can't shake. So no, I don't think I could ever handle living with her. I would not feel comfortable with that at all. If illness were involved, then I might have no choice.

[niccig]

need is the right thing to do.

with everything you do for your kids now, how will you feel if your kids refuse to help you when you are old and sick and need them most?

I plan to do everything possible so that I am financially secure in my elderly years. Of course, I want my DS to help me, but I don't want to be a drain finncially when he will have his own family to support by then.

My MIL is a nursing home administrator. She knows that as she gets older, she may need that kind of care, and she has saved to help pay for it. She told us she wants to live independently as long as she can, but if she needs more care than we can give, then assisted living/nurisng home is the place she will need to be. She knows how expensive it is, and she's saved for the possibility. I plan to do the same. I hope I can live in a retirment center as long as possible and still have an independent life. But seeing 1 grandparent have a stroke and need a feeding tube and another develop dementia, I can see times when round the close nursing in a nursing home is needed. Fingers crossed I wont' need that.

[MmeSunny]

Sample real-life comment from my MIL: "I was talking to this lady from church the other day--she's really fat, just HUGE. Well, not as fat as you, but anyway. . ."

A few weeks later she laughed and laughed retelling some friends the story of how my precious pre-kids Chihuahua was tragically killed--in front of me, while I was still deep in grief.

So, in a word, no. She's not living here. Ever.

[g-mama]

Apparently, I will. My MIL has told everyone (but me) that she will move in with us when she's too old to live alone.

[sste]

Mme Sunny, forget living with you, it shows admirable restraint on your part that your MIL is still living period after those comments!

[MMMommy]

Sample real-life comment from my MIL: "I was talking to this lady from church the other day--she's really fat, just HUGE. Well, not as fat as you, but anyway. . ."

A few weeks later she laughed and laughed retelling some friends the story of how my precious pre-kids Chihuahua was tragically killed--in front of me, while I was still deep in grief.

So, in a word, no. She's not living here. Ever.

What a *itch! How dare she!

[Sillygirl]

I joined DH's family when I married him and he is the eldest son, which in his culture is a big deal. I expect to take care of my ILs if needed.

[MontrealMum]

I really couldn't say. It wouldn't be my first choice to take in either of the ILs or my mom, but if it was absolutely necessary - probably yes. It would not be ideal, but I do remember the last years of my mom's mom's life, and it's not something I could put my mom through - even though it would likely be her choice, and she would not want to be a burden. The ILs probably have something set up (nice assisted living) as they are fairly well-to-do, but if they don't, or MIL is left alone or something, I would consider it. I am presently taking shifts to feed FIL in the hospital (he's too weak still) where he will be for the next month recovering. Not in a million years would I take in my dad.

Hopefully he hasn't drunk away all the financial planning that he did when he retired that would allow him to live in the posh assisted living facility that his mother did. But really, I'm not too sure how that stands. But there is no way I will have DS raised around someone who is abusive, and an alcoholic.

[bubbaray]

with everything you do for your kids now, how will you feel if your kids refuse to help you when you are old and sick and need them most?

Wow. Condescening or what?

You don't know my circumstances or why I gave the answer I did. The OP asked a question and people are answering with their hearts. Please don't judge. You are no better than anyone else on this board.

[HannaAddict]

Nope. And to provide a twist, my husband would probably divorce ME if I volunteered to take care of them! :)

[g-mama]

Melissa, I don't think salsah was talking to you personally. I don't want to take care of my in-laws either, but I didn't feel judged by her comments. To be honest, it made me take pause and look at a different perspective.

[malphy]

Now that I have more time i would like to flesh out my answer.

I took care of my mom before she died and it was difficult. We had a fantastic relationship but it is very hard to have to bathe your mom. not just for me but for her. she raised 7 kids and her "baby" had to take care of her. So it is difficult under the best circumstances to care for your parents or other loved ones.

My mil is very high maintenance and particular about everything. She drives her own kids nuts. I just cannot see myself bathing her since I do not feel love or even like for her. i treat her w/respcet because she is my dh's mom but I can only go so far.

My mil does not want anybody to help her w/anything except for fil. Well he is 80 for god's sake. He needs help. We offered to move in(they have a huge home) and rent out our home. His response is yes we could use your help but you have been bad to us and disrespectful. WTF. This is so not true. And even if it were somewhat true, you need our help and we offered to sacrifice a great deal and this is the response.

I told dh that night that we cannot move in now or our marriage will be at risk.

Did I mention their dd lives in the same town as them and has grown kids? (in other words even she does not want to go above and beyond for her OWN mom!!!

As for the poster who said what if our kids did not take care of us as we took care of them I would say use this as a cautionary tale. Do NOT become the annoying, rude, nosy mil and your kids will take care of you.

[WitMom]

No, I wouldn't. And I also wouldn't take care of my own parents.

I wouldn't take care of my ILs because I don't care for them, and I don't feel I "owe" them anything.

I wouldn't take care of my own parents, not because I don't love them, but because I realistically know my limits and abilities. My mother is severely disabled right now, and my father is her primary caregiver. If something were to happen to him, my mom would have to go to a nursing home. I hate to say it, but she would. There is no way I could physically take care of her, and take care of my children and marriage as well. Even visiting them for a weekend is very taxing. She is confined to a wheelchair, and has no use of either of her hands. She literally can not DO ONE THING for herself. Someone has to dress and bathe her, take care of her bowel and bladder needs, feed her, and on and on and on. It is similar to having a newborn, but instead of weighing 8 pounds, it's a full grown adult. She also has some cognitive impairment (memory loss), so while she is not violent or dangerous, she is not completely "there", and it is difficult to have any sort of conversation or discussion with her, and as a result, it's really hard to maintain a relationship.

So, no, I would not take either set of parents into my home.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Maybe. It would depend on how much of what kind of help they needed. Both sets of grandparents in dh's family (his mom's parents and his dad's parents) are 85+yo and still healthy and living independently. I think that dh's parents will look to do that for themselves as well. I think that they will seek out other arrangements than to want to come and live with us.

Beth

[SnuggleBuggles]

I plan to do everything possible so that I am financially secure in my elderly years. Of course, I want my DS to help me, but I don't want to be a drain finncially when he will have his own family to support by then.



I also don't want to be a physical burden on my kids. If they want me to move in with them then I guess I would but I would look to make my own arrangements with dh for how to handle care, if needed, in later life.

Beth

[kransden]

My FIL, if I was able. My MIL, I would go get a job to make sure she was in a good home ;). Seriously her dd would take care of her. She lives close by and is a nurse.

[rlu]

Yes. I totally expect MIL will move in with one of her three kids when the time comes. That is the tradition in their family and we'll keep it up. DH is the only son, but one SIL, who is disabled, and her daughter currently live with MIL so we expect that situation to continue until my niece is no longer able to care for them.

My folks want to be in an assisted living home where they get medical care. We'll see if this changes. I plan to give them the option to live with us if possible (I'm the older sister in my fam) when the time comes. My grandparents on both sides died relatively young, so there is no real precedent.

eta: MIL is currently in fine health and cares for SIL. Niece is 16 years old and if she wants to move out in a few years, MIL and SIL plan to continue to care for each other until they can't. MIL is a retired RN and hospice worker (and her mother was the same). There is alheimzers in my family and, as happened with my great-aunt, at some point it may not be possible for us to care for my folks in a home situation. Otherwise we hope with hospice assistance, to care for whoever needs it in a home situation as long as possible.

[salsah]

You are assuming my MIL did something for her children. Or had any interest in raising them.

well, there are always exceptions. sorry to hear that.

[DebbieJ]

I would not take in my inlaws nor would I take in my parents. We have advised all our parents to secure long term care insurance while they are still young and healthy.

[salsah]

I plan to do everything possible so that I am financially secure in my elderly years. Of course, I want my DS to help me, but I don't want to be a drain finncially when he will have his own family to support by then.


I can't imagine that anyone would want to be a burden on anyone else. (Of course there are exceptions.) But i'm assuming that we are talking about taking in our parents because they are need. So, if they were to get really sick and need assistance other than financial, or because of illness (or any other unforeseeable circumstances) their savings are depleted, I would help my parents and I would hope that my children would help me (if possible). I would feel terribly about it -- guilty and sorry, yet grateful. And I know that my parents would feel the same way. It would only happen as a last resort.

[salsah]

Mme Sunny, forget living with you, it shows admirable restraint on your part that your MIL is still living period after those comments!
:yeahthat:

[salsah]

Wow. Condescening or what?

You don't know my circumstances or why I gave the answer I did. The OP asked a question and people are answering with their hearts. Please don't judge. You are no better than anyone else on this board.

um, i also answered with my heart. don't i have that right too? where exactly did i say that i am better than anyone on this board?

[kijip]

Yes, I would. J went to great lengths to help me care for my mother. To not do the same for his mother, should she ever need help, seems unthinkable. My FIL is dead and died suddenly, so this issue never came up. In that case, I don't think we would have been able to be much help to him. He was an abusive drunk. I agree with posters that say you reap what you sow. If there is a toxic situation or no love lost, then I see turning someone away. However, I think that the state of most nursing homes is not a place that I would want my loved ones to be. And I would do whatever it took to keep my family OUT of your run of the mill facility. Sure there are some gems there, but mostly it is a pretty sad state of affairs IMO. Certainly if someone's situation is such that there is no other option but full-time nursing care, then you just do your best to find a good place and visit often.

Being a SAH parent seems irrelevant to me in this situation. We cared for my mother for several years while I worked and my husband worked/went to school. I only left my full-time job at the very end of her life because newborn+mom was too much. If I had not had F, I would have kept working.

[happymom]

I definitely would do my best. My in-laws are wonderful people. As a matter of fact, my MIL took care of HER in-laws for years because they both (!!) had Alzheimers at the same time. So she has been a role model for me and DH in this area.

[Melanie]

Only if I had a very very big house, or a guest house. And that's a huge maybe. Frankly, if I had the kind of dough to have a house like that I'd think we'd pay for them to be somewhere nice.

As Dh & I are both only children this is a horrifying topic around here.

ETA: I was reading the term 'take care of' more loosely than some. If you mean bathe and what not, no. Pay someone else to in our home? See above...