Anyone regain a relationship after a falling out?

[ourbabygirl]

Just wondering if you've had a falling out with a friend or family member, and if you've been able to 'recover' from it. How long did the strained relationship last, and how did the two of you repair it so that you're on better terms again? I'd like to try this but don't know where to begin, and don't know if it's worth it, or if I should just let it go.

Thanks!

[pb&j]

Yes. Just recently. My friend basically abandoned me in my hour of need when my first child was stillborn, and we hadn't talked since (this was 4.5 years ago). But out of the blue she sent me an invitation to her wedding last month. So I packed up the baby and got on a plane and went. It was the best money I have ever spent. I am so glad I went. I was touched that she would think to include me in her celebration, and she was touched that I went to a lot of effort to show up. Enough time had passed that we had both forgiven each other for all the missteps. It was really just that easy. We were both ready.

I knew it would be worth it because our friendship prior to our falling out was really solid and drama-free.

[MamaMolly]

Yes, but it didn't last. It was my BFF from HS. We parted ways in college after she hooked up with a really bad crowd (heavy into drugs) and later touched base after we graduated. Funny, it was a snow day, we were both teachers, and I pulled up behind her at a red light! It was so easy for a while, but we had such different lives. She thought I was thoughtless and self centered ( I have my moments ;) ) and I thought she was self destructive to the point of suicidal. (she hadn't changed much either)

She came to my wedding but because her boyfriend at the time was illegal and a criminal to boot we didn't hang out. DH was a cop and thus evil in her mind. Twisted.

I miss the person I thought she was. I miss the person she could have been. I do NOT miss the endless drama, the guilt, and feeling like I was always wrong for making 'big girl' choices.

I hope it works out for you, but there is a reason it fell apart IYKWIM.

[momof2girls]

In the past I had been notorious for losing friends b/c of boyfriends getting in the way. I admit, I had a hard time juggling both. Anyway, I lost touch with HS best friend while in college for about 2 yrs. We ran into each other at the mall and got along just as if we had never parted. Then I met DH and once again failed to nurture my friendship. We drifted apart for about 1 year. I invited her to my wedding at that time and even called her expressing how important it would be to have her in my wedding and how wrong I was to have let our friendship fade away. She agreed to meet up with me and then cancelled and never called me back to reschedule. That was 10 yrs ago. I miss her but know I screwed up and she was unable to move forward. I am such a different person now and know if I could have done it all over again I would have nutured the friendship more. Of course now I have completely let go of the friendship forever. You live and you learn.

[MamaMolly]

OK, I wanted to make a separate post because it is about my dad and we DID patch things up. And the patch is holding steady :).

We always had a rocky relationship, but my dad really wasn't ready to let go when I decided to marry DH. About the same time my step mom made a concerted effort to drive a wedge between me and my dad. She's pathological that way, and they are thankfully no longer married.

We fought a LOT and pretty much talked about once or twice a year. I hadn't received a gift from my dad since high school. Then when we announced we were expecting DD he sent me a Mother's Day gift. I sat at my desk and cried my eyes out!

Dad has recently remarried and my new step mom is working HARD to bring my dad closer to his family again. It has been great! So while it didn't work out with my friend, it did with my dad. The key was accepting him for who he is with all his faults, and not getting too entrenched in the drama.

Good luck.

[ourbabygirl]

Thanks! Yeah, the thing is, the person I had the falling out with is not a bad person, but we were great friends in high school & the beginning of college, then she did some things that were immature and hurtful to me, and had a friend lie to me on her behalf to cover up. I was annoyed/ upset that she put her new relationship with a guy ahead of our friendship, and I just feel like she acts like she's too good for me ever since then. I've lost other friends because of this (they've sided with her, which is fine), and it's just kind of been a thorn in my side for years. It's complicated, and it really doesn't even matter at this point since a lot of this happened so long ago, but we've both changed so much that I don't think we could go back to being friends. However, every time I see her it's uncomfortable and I'm afraid it will always be this way.

[sste]

You know, growing up is hard to do and in our society most of us have a pretty extended adolescence. When you mentioned that your friend's behavior was in high school and early college my thought was that she not only acted immaturely, she probably WAS immature. Hopefully she is not still that way today - - as you note, she is probably a pretty different person. It may be that the person you had the friendship with doesn't exist anymore and so your decision is really whether to start a new friendship.

I think it can be hard to go backward. I also think that often the friendships of high school and early college can have an intensity to them by nature of that life stage that is then not compatible with later adult life, marriages, families.

I would try to chalk this up to being very young and work on developing a civil "acquaintanceship" with the person she is today.

[kijip]

I had it out with my younger brother in December 2005. There was fault on both sides, and he had a lot of growing up to do and I had a lot of older sibling letting go to do. Mind you we were close as children and into adulthood. T's middle name is after my brother. We did not see each other or speak at all for over a year. He called me when his daughter was born in June 2007 and I did the only thing I knew how to do- went to Hanna and showed up at the hospital with a gift in hand. We both did our best to let go and just live on. We are not as close as we were as children/teens but we are pretty close now. We see each other pretty often and care for the other's kids from time to time. We don't get into the same sort of fights we used too because he does not stomp up drama like he used to and I don't poke my nose in trying to spare him every pain like I used to.

[gatorsmom]

I'm ashamed to say yes, I've had a few big falling outs with friends. The first one mended itself because the couple that did us wrong worked really hard to earn back our friendship and trust.

The second one, I'd say is definitely not mended. I know I said things to her that were hurtful (I didn't mean them to be. I was pregnant and very hormonal at the time), and she did/said some things that she hasn't apologized for and i am having a hard time forgetting. The whole situation sucks and I've learned a BIG lesson from this.