Should/would what childcare provider does on off time bother you? (long!)

[sidmand]

A long title and a long post!

I'm not even sure how to word this. DH asked if he could request thoughts and opinions on this board (the power of Baby Bargains!) and at this point it's mainly for the future...

For reason having nothing to do with this issue, our nanny/sitter is probably not working for us much after this summer (she's getting a "real" job, DS will be in school fulltime, etc.).

She's been working for us almost since DS was born (4+ years) and she's great with the kids. But (as she's told us, mainly DH) she goes out drinking every night and drinking a lot.

FWIW, I have never ever noticed that it's compromised the care of our children. She's never had a drink while here. She's never been drunk or hungover while here...but DH doesn't like the fact that someone taking care of our children is drinking SO much when she's not here and that it could affect the care they receive.

Like I said though, I don't think he's looking to change anything about our current situation since I don't think it will be an issue much longer anyway. But for the future (if and when we find someone else) he is wondering if this is just something that bothers him and he should get over it or if it is a concern.

I think if we had kept things on a more professional level he might not ever/even know (he went with her to a Red Sox game a couple of times and they do chat about life in general) but I suppose after four years it's probably going to be on a more-than-professional level. But it's none of our business to ask, "So what do you do on your free time?" And even if you did ask, who is going to say, "Oh, I get bombed every night"?

I know there was a post a little while ago about a DCP smoking and I don't recall the outcome of that one. This is similar but I believe that was during daycare (although break) hours.

Part of me definitely thinks, well, what you do on your own time is your own business as long as it's not illegal. But I do see where he's coming from as well.

I think this brought up some other issues we have with our current sitter. For the most part she's wonderful, but we have given her a lot of latitude in caring for DCs and sometimes she takes too much latitude (like taking them to visit people we don't know and aren't aware she's going to do!). But that is another issue and it's our fault for not saying anything when it's come up.

[swrc00]

This does remind me of the smoking thread. I agree I would not like like DS's caregiver to be doing these things but you are right that you can't control this while the person isn't on the clock. However, it would bother me. The fact of the matter is that typically nannies are in their twenties and single. Drinking is usually a large part of socializing of this group, not all of course. There are young teachers that I work with that have this same behavior. I think as long as it does not interfere with your DC you can't really do anything about it. I suppose when you interview new nannies you could pose some question but I don't know how honest of an answer you will get. I am not even sure I answered your question. I hope this helps.

[wellyes]

I would not be judge and jury about her "off-hours" behavior any more than I'd like my boss judging mine. A nanny is a service provider, not a servant.

However, before she leaves I think it would be a kindness to her to explain that her lack of professionalism in discussing this with your DH was an issue and that going forward in life she should show more discretion.

[JBaxter]

If the care of your child is not or has never been compromised then no. You employ her 8-10 hrs a day what right do you have to judge what she does IF it doesnt affect her ability to nanny your children? If you want to control her 24/7 then you would have to pay her for those hours.

Now if she comes hung over THAT is another story.

[firstbaby]

we used nannies / au pairs for about 3 years full time before I started staying home and I would have loved to have found one person who consistently gave my children the proper care, love and attention during those 3 years. My personal opinion is that if this woman has been with you for 4 years, she is someone you enjoy spending time with outside of "the job" and she has been reliable and given quality care to your children, you should not stop employing her because of what she does with her own time. It sounds to me like you found a great nanny! Sure, circumstances change and if a nanny doesn't fit with your needs any more, that happens. But based on what you've said about this woman, she sounds like she's been great with your kids - her main job!

I will give the caveat, though, that if her drinking ever led to legal trouble (DWI, etc) I would have to think twice about employing her.

[srhs]

FWIW, I've never employed a childcare provider, but I come from a family with a horror story, which blurs my vision.
That said, I would allow anything to bother me that bothered me, ya know. I don't think your DH needs to feel he *should* "get over" stuff if it involves his DC and he doesn't want to. That's not to say anything negative about the family that isn't bothered by their provider's free time activities, but if it matters to you or DH, it matters to you, IMO.

[sidmand]

FWIW, I've never employed a childcare provider, but I come from a family with a horror story, which blurs my vision.
That said, I would allow anything to bother me that bothered me, ya know. I don't think your DH needs to feel he *should* "get over" stuff if it involves his DC and he doesn't want to. That's not to say anything negative about the family that isn't bothered by their provider's free time activities, but if it matters to you or DH, it matters to you, IMO.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I mentioned this to DH and he says he didn't even think about it, BUT...there was a lot of drinking in his family when he was growing up and I definitely think that changes how he sees things vs. how I see things.

This seems to be bothering DH very much and things like this don't usually seem to bother him nearly as much as they do me. Because it is, it's obviously an issue no matter what.

By no means have I ever thought of her as a "servant" nor would I. But I *would* expect my boss to judge my after-hours behavior if it was affecting my work and I think it is starting to affect her work a bit. Again, she's never come drunk (maybe hungover) but she's watching two little kids and has to be "on"--YKWIM?

That being said, we know for a fact that she went out last night and got drunk and she is supposed to be taking DCs to a pool party later this afternoon. That gave both of us pause and I think that's partly how this started.

And her finishing her time with us has nothing whatsoever to do with this. It was more what to look for in the future and if there was something we should look for in the future.

[Laurel]

I'm scratching my head over why she is sharing this much info with your DH. Are they pretty "buddy-buddy"? She may need to be (gently) told she is oversharing.

All of my sitters are college-age. I expect that in their free time they will act like college students, but (as long as they do their job well) I honestly don't want to hear about it! It is none of my business, and I can't reasonably ask them to change. If they showed up obviously hungover that might be a different story.

[DietCokeLover]

We don't have a nanny or a day care provider, so keeping that in mind, this would be my thought.

I want someone caring for my child who has similar (not exact) values and beliefs as me. That way I know that they are continuing to provide similar care that I would.

That being said, if that level of drinking was not a part of my value system, I would be troubled. If that was not of concern to me, then I would not be troubled. I think it would all come down to figuring out what were the things that really mattered to me about the person caring for my child.

[bubbaray]

If the care of your child is not or has never been compromised then no. You employ her 8-10 hrs a day what right do you have to judge what she does IF it doesnt affect her ability to nanny your children? If you want to control her 24/7 then you would have to pay her for those hours.

Now if she comes hung over THAT is another story.


:yeahthat:

[kijip]

I would not be bothered by her (otherwise legal) behavior off-duty. If she were underage or getting arrested for DUI, then yes it would bother me.

I would caution her against sharing this information with future employers. You might be helping her avoid a professional mistake by letting her know to be a little more private at work. Just a little friendly advice.

[Melaine]

It would bother me, yes. I wouldn't feel comfortable, as DietCokeLover mentioned, with someone with completely different values than I have spending a lot of time with DC in an authority/care position. While I have no problem with alcohol, daily excessive drinking is an issue to me. ITA that is weird for her to share this info with you anyway.
I agree also with pp who mentioned that anything that bothers you even slightly about a caregiver shouldn't be pushed aside. There is no such thing as being too careful, too particular or too concerned when it comes to this issue, IMO.

[melrose7]

I worked for 1 family as a nanny for 11 years and I did it while finishing up college. I worked 65 hrs a week for them at times and I felt what I wanted to do on my free time was my choice. I was 21 at the time I started and was living with one friend and they knew we were living the college life. it never affected the care I gave to their children. I never drank around the children and I never came to work hungover, maybe tired but not hungover. After just 2 years of working with the family my friend and I got a noise ordnance ticket because we had moved our speakers outside to dance. The mom (a law professor) ended up writing a letter saying that we are responsible young girls who made a mistake and were just having some fun. Even times when I would go on trips with the family they would buy me a drink and once we even had a wine tasting night ( i said i didn't like wine, they tried to find one I liked). They are not big drinkers but like to have a couple of drinks at night or when they go out. Now that I am home with my 2 girls I may have a beer once a month. Soon after I graduated from college my party days ended and I ended up working for them for another 9 years. So I think what she does on her off time is her choice unless it is going against your family values. Maybe she also feels comfortable with your DH after 4 years that she feels like she can talk openly.

[sste]

I wonder if this situation would bother your DH. We have a very cute, bubbly 18 year old college student babysitter for weekend nights & occasional sitting - - absolutely awesome with DS and really just a lovely girl. Former gymnast. Dh and I had commented repeatedly to one another how among a slate of very sweet college babysitters, she stood out as incredibly wholesome and must lead a charmed life! One night we were chatting with her and she mentioned that she is an alcoholic.

She spent YEARS as an alcoholic and in rehab during junior high and high school - - a big chunk of that inpatient rehab. All before the age of 16. She hasn't had a drink in over four years.

I must admit I was freaked out for a few minutes. Obviously, she has a very serious genetic tendency to have started drinking like that not in college, not in high school but I think in late elementary/early junior high. But, ultimately, I was impressed as hell at what she had accomplished, including getting through her freshman year at a partying/drinking type of college. We still have her sit all the time.

As for full-time nannies, I have had great luck with the 45-65 year old nanny -- life is set in a certain path, kids grown so no conflicts and flexible with staying late, usually not partying all night!

[dcmom2b3]

I'm conflicted. I agree with you and others that her otherwise legal behavior on her off hours is her business. And goodness knows, I've enjoyed my share of wine.

BUT [climbs up on soapbox] even though it is typical twenty-something behavior, what you have described is alcohol abuse, and that would concern me. Alcohol is a drug. Its effects on her body and brain (especially when it's abused) carry over into the time that she is sober, too. Probably not so badly now that she can't care for children, but she's still not going to be at her best. Every day. Because she drinks like a fish. Every night. Put that way, it would make me uncomfortable, but I don't see how you could screen for it in an interview setting.

I'd also be worried about HER, personally. Alcoholism, I think, has a different and more rapid progression in women than in men. She could very easily be setting herself up for trouble down the road. It's not like she'll get advance warning -- you don't have a problem until . . . you do.

Since you have become close(er) to her, if I were you, I'd consider expressing my concern for her health and welfare. I'd do the same thing if she had, for example, an eating disorder, or engaged in other self-destructive, though legal, behavior.

Sorry to be a downer and somewhat alarmist, but my pov is probably informed by having seen someone close to me unable to pull out of a downward spiral that started as typical twenty-something boozing.

[KpbS]

It would bother me, yes. I wouldn't feel comfortable, as DietCokeLover mentioned, with someone with completely different values than I have spending a lot of time with DC in an authority/care position. While I have no problem with alcohol, daily excessive drinking is an issue to me. ITA that is weird for her to share this info with you anyway.
I agree also with pp who mentioned that anything that bothers you even slightly about a caregiver shouldn't be pushed aside. There is no such thing as being too careful, too particular or too concerned when it comes to this issue, IMO.

:yeahthat: To me the excessive drinking is very telling about her morals. Those are definitely NOT my values and I think that would be incompatible with my family and the way that DH and I hope to raise our DC.

If your gut feeling (and DH's) is telling you something is wrong, trust it.

[maestramommy]

This does remind me of the smoking thread. I agree I would not like like DS's caregiver to be doing these things but you are right that you can't control this while the person isn't on the clock. The fact of the matter is that typically nannies are in their twenties and single. Drinking is usually a large part of socializing of this group, not all of course. There are young teachers that I work with that have this same behavior. I think as long as it does not interfere with your DC you can't really do anything about it. I suppose when you interview new nannies you could pose some question but I don't know how honest of an answer you will get. I am not even sure I answered your question. I hope this helps.

This. Where I used to work there were a lot of teachers in their 20s and early 30s. They used to go to a "happy hour" every Friday after school. I never went but I heard through the grapevine that some of them are quite the party animal. You'd never know it seeing their demeanor in the classroom, so I'm not sure how much I would object to a caregiver carousing after hours on more than a subjectively personal level. FWIW it would bother me more that the caregiver was taking my kids to visit people I don't know, without me knowing.

[kijip]

I'd also be worried about HER, personally. Alcoholism, I think, has a different and more rapid progression in women than in men. She could very easily be setting herself up for trouble down the road. It's not like she'll get advance warning -- you don't have a problem until . . . you do.

Since you have become close(er) to her, if I were you, I'd consider expressing my concern for her health and welfare. I'd do the same thing if she had, for example, an eating disorder, or engaged in other self-destructive, though legal, behavior.


These are wise words.

[ErinMC]

I would not be judge and jury about her "off-hours" behavior any more than I'd like my boss judging mine. A nanny is a service provider, not a servant.

However, before she leaves I think it would be a kindness to her to explain that her lack of professionalism in discussing this with your DH was an issue and that going forward in life she should show more discretion.

I agree completely

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

I was a nanny and a college student. I drank and it never interfered with my job. I was close to the family, and the family knew, they had no issues. They actually gave me beer money for baseball games and such! They KNEW I would never drink too much with their children, I would maybe have one or two beers. It would not bother me. Your boss doesn't have the right to tell you what to do with your time off... And she isn't breaking any laws....