Are You a Better Parent Than You Had?

[Wife_and_mommy]

I have a young cousin I met just a year or so ago. My uncle was adamant he wanted his son but he's hardly a parent to him. :( The boy hardly moves or speaks when he's in dad's presence. He's overweight but is afraid to eat in front of dad. He just plain seems afraid.

It makes me really sad for the boy and also helps me realize that I'm too hard on myself. My parents did the best they could but I'm doing leaps and bounds better than they did because I have resources they didn't. DH grew up neither the child of immigrants nor socioeconomically disadvantaged so he doesn't fully recognize how different our childhoods were.

[kijip]

On a good day.

I like to think I have more good days than not. :wink2:

In many ways definitely but in others, I don't always know.

[maestramommy]

I'd say I am a more informed parent in some ways. And that I have a lot more support than my parents and Dh's parents had. Both of our Dad's were grad students from overseas. They came here alone, started having kids while still in school. I still wonder how they survived. They were very poor but self sufficient. Absolutely no family around, and in many cases not a lot of friends except other classmates from the same country. My MIL tells me about the utter isolation and loneliness of those years and it's stark. My mom was really shy, didn't speak English that well, so it took years (I was 8) before she could really make friends with neighbors. I remember her just being very frustrated. But they all did the best the could, and here we are. Yes, they made mistakes, and I try not to repeat them, but no, I'm not a better parent than they were/are.

[veronica]

I had to respond other and here is a quick why:

I am a better parent:

I have much more information available to me than my parents did
I am finacially a bit more stable than they were
Neither DH nor I are alcoholics, like my Dad was
We are both here together parenting (DH grew up without his Dad)

Why I am not better or at least equal:

Both of our families, no matter how flawed, gave us more love than we could imagine

I was taught respect, loyalty, compassion and right and wrong and we are teaching the same to DC's

In the end, my feeling is that environmental forces seem to be much more negative these days. So, even though, DH and I may try harder or do more or know more, there is more working against us.

That's all I can think of now.....

[wellyes]

I voted other.

I love my daughter unconditionally and try my best. My daughter wants for nothing.

My parents loved me unconditionally and tried their best. I wanted for nothing as a child.

So, ignoring the generational differences etc. I'd put myself on equal footing as my own parents.

I do resent some things about how I grew up, but I think most people have a thing or two they swore they'd do differently. That's normal & I assume DD will be the same when she has her own kids.

[egoldber]

Um, yes. That's practically a no brainer since my kids aren't growing up afraid of their father and angry with their mother for not standing up to him. No matter what "mistakes" I make as a parent, that is never going to happen.

[BabyMine]

I don't think either is better we just have different circumstances.

My mom left my mentally ill father when I was 2. Her family disowned her so she was by herself. Our family is a 2 parent household that has the support of both families.

I use to think my childhood was horrible intil I had children. Now I think of my mom as a saint. I don't know how she stayed sane raising 2 girls by herself.

We have more resources available to us now then when I was younger. I can't say that is better just different.

[LarsMal]

I voted no because I don't think I'm any better than my parents were. There are certain things they did that I would't do and things they didn't do that I would.

I agree with pps who said they are more informed and that this is a different time. I don't think I'm any better or worse, just different!

[g-mama]

I had to vote 'no' because I think my mother was just beyond awesome.

She was so much fun that all the other kids wanted to come to our house to hang out and told me I had such a cool mom. Yet, she was the right amount of strict and I had the utmost respect for her and never talked back to her or sassed her. I loved her - and I liked her. She was my biggest supporter and my best friend. She was very active in our community, worked as a teacher, volunteered, had many good friends, exercised daily, had a nice dinner on the table every night, our house was always neat and clean, yet I never felt like she didn't have time for me. I wonder if she ever slept, LOL! She was physically and emotionally available whenever I needed her. I don't remember her yelling at me or my brother. She was very patient and loving.

I only wish she was still here to give me guidance as a mom because I honestly feel like I'm not half as good a mom as she was.

[wendmatt]

My Mum is/was the most awesome mum ever. She was 25 when she had me so was a young mum (I aleady had 2 sisters) and had lots of energy. Dad left so it was just her, so in that respect DD has it better that she has 2 parents who love her and she doesn't want for anything, except maybe more playmates. But when mum comes to visit she still gets down on the floor and plays with DD, she's really creative and fun, if I could be half as good a parent as she is I'd be happy.

[sste]

Yes, but in my case that is not saying all that much.

[Joolsplus2]

I voted no, even though my parents weren't great...I don't remember them being as mad as I am so much of the time (maybe because one kid is easier to raise than three? my half brothers remember my dad being completely po'd all the time, but he was mellow when it was just me years later :loveeyes:). My dh insists my mother is simply awful, but meh, she was trying her hardest and she cooked a lot of great food for me (I do NOT cook...).

Ask me on another day, I"m sure my answer will be different :bouncy:

[stella]

I don't remember my mom losing it with us the way I want to (and occasionally do) with my kiddos. I do remember her trying to get away from us and encouraging us to entertain ourselves - and now I do that daily.

I think my mother was more patient and organized than I am. In retrospect, I think she was an awesome mom, but at the time I remember wanting her to play with us more.

My dad was always working and he also considered us my mom's responsibility. Having said that, he was attentive and interested when he was with us, but he usually wasn't. My dh is more like my kids' "big friend" which annoys me because I wish he would be their parent more than their buddy, but they do adore him.

So my parents were different than dh and I are - somewhat in a generational sense - but they were clearly "the parents" and we as children were in a different social class from them. We were definitely second-class citizens and not the center of their universe like so many families act now. I don't think dh and I are better parents - I think in some ways we're not as good, because we're not as consistent as they were. But our health and safety were paramount - we just weren't indulged on any level, and we definitely didn't get to have our votes counted on any issues.

[ThreeofUs]

I don't know, so I voted 'other'. I had a great mother - though flawed. I think I do some things better than she did, but some things worse.

For example, I'm not nearly so patient with my children, but I think my mom was a little too patient and kind with me. So I guess I'm trying to strike a different and what I hope is better balance.

[niccig]

Um, yes. That's practically a no brainer since my kids aren't growing up afraid of their father and angry with their mother for not standing up to him. No matter what "mistakes" I make as a parent, that is never going to happen.

:yeahthat: There is no screaming, yelling, constant emotional drama. We're going to make our own mistakes, but this isn't one of them

[BillK]

No - my dad is the best dad EVER. I don't think I could ever be as good a dad as he is - I hope to do my best though.

[g-mama]

maybe because one kid is easier to raise than three?

I sure was a much more calm mother when I had one, that's for sure. I never yelled, ever. It's not caring for three individuals as much as refereeing the intereaction amongst the three that challenges me.

[AnnieW625]

Until I have been married to my DH for 36 years, owned a home for 30 years, paid for three kids to go to college and graduate from public universities with zero debt, and been a SAHM for 17 years I won't be able to answer the question.

I have been married for six, been working full time since 4 days after I graduated from college, and only have one child. I get along with my parents well and I love that. I hope that we will get along with Elisa and any other future children we have the same way. My parents provided a good life for us on almost next to nothing, but we always had the same as our other friends and I hope to provide the same for Elisa as much as possible.

[pinkmomagain]

I answered "no" my parents were great and I think my dh and I are great parents too. I have changed a few things that my parents did but overall I can't say that we are so much better, just a little different in a few areas.

[Globetrotter]

Yes, a million times over.

I have forgiven my own parents for a lot of stuff, especially my mom, who was uprooted from her country and dragged across the world to a cold, foreign place.

They meant well but were clueless about a lot of stuff, and their priorities were messed up (especially my dads).

[catroddick]

My goal everyday is to be as amazing a mom as my mama was and still is. It’s harder for me, working full time, and just not being the calm, patient person my mom is. But I love loving my daughter as much as my mom loves me- and that is the biggest part, isn’t it?
Funny thing is that my mama still apologizes for “everything she screwed up while raising us”. I have yet to figure out what she is talking about.

[StantonHyde]

My mom was amazing--if I can be HALF the mother she was, I will feel I have done a good job. On the other hand, she stayed with my dad when it really would have been better to divorce him. But I understand why she stayed although to this day I get frustrated that she didn't do more to protect us emotionally. As a mom to an adult child--she rocked. My legacy to/from her is to be able to explain why I did all the things I did/chose to my kids when they ask those tough questions and to be able to move into being their friend when they are adults.

My dad--not hard to do. My responsibility to my kids is that I am the last one in the line to be raised by a mentally ill parent who could not/would not regulate his/her behavior. I wish my dad had been that parent and I could have had better self esteem and been able to reach so much more of my potential. But that is the gift/right I am giving my children. My dad did teach me to love the outdoors and to be a spiritual/religious person and to value/pay for education. I am giving all of those things to my children.

[daisyd]

I voted other, because our circumstances are so different from our parents' generation, that a comparison is not possible. I know this for sure that both sets of our parents and we as parents want the best for our kids and are doing the very best we know. I'm sure there will be mistakes, but this parenting thing and each of us as kids doesn't/ don't come with a guide book. I think love and forgiveness are key in all relationships.

[hellokitty]

Yes, a million times over.

I have forgiven my own parents for a lot of stuff, especially my mom, who was uprooted from her country and dragged across the world to a cold, foreign place.

They meant well but were clueless about a lot of stuff, and their priorities were messed up (especially my dads).

Same situation here. Both of my parents were immigrants and were generally clueless, esp about the whole idea of spending quality time with their children, etc.. My dad, even if he did not immigrate would be a rotten father, I swear he only had kids so he could brag about them and then he had my siblings and I and felt like he got ripped off, b/c we were, "stupid."