WWYD? (Long, sorry)

[aks226]

Quick background: My bio mom kicked my bio dad out of my life when I was 2 because he wanted me and she didn't want to let that happen. I reconnected with him about 4 years ago and we have a great relationship with him and my stepmom.

My problem is with my bio dad's parents. They have one other grandchild, my cousin, Jess. He is 10 years younger than I and just graduated high school. My grandmother has given him and his mom everything. Bought my aunt a house, him a new car, and pays for everything. I found out over my vacation that grandma has a large sum of money that she got as an inheritance saved for Jess' college. (I really don't see him finishing college any time soon or even really attempting. That would require him to be out of bed before noon)

My current situation is that my husband and I are both full time students and I'm working full time too. Right now I'm having to space out my schooling so that I don't have to quit my job because we couldn't make ends meet without it. When I mentioned us working as hard as we are to finish our educations, grandma offered no help to us, but gave Jess money to buy his books.

I don't really expect anything from them as I've only been around a few years, but I'm really hurt the way she flaunts everything she does for them in my face when I'm around. I spent most of my vacation helping her cook and plan for a party for a friend of my cousin and then cleaned up the party while my aunt did nothing!

I really don't want to go back to visit. I like seeing my dad and stepmom, but because they all live so close, I can't not see everybody. Should I tell my dad that I feel like a step-grandchild and am really uncomfortable around my grandparents or should I just leave it and limit my time with them?

Maybe I'm just tired and annoyed...

[MamaMolly]

That is a hard one. There have been a lot of threads on grandparental favoritism on here. It is a rotten situation. The squeaky wheel getting the oil...

Maybe your grandma thinks of you as 'grown' and not in need of her help? What if she doesn't see it as flaunting her gifts in front of you (in a way that is to intentionally hurt your feelings) but to brag about all she's doing to help your cousin. Does that make sense? Not to excuse her behavior but to explain it.

I think you are wise to consider giving yourself some distance from her. I would certainly stop and/or pull back on the super helping. IIWY I'd only participate as you are comfortable.

[aks226]

Thanks Molly.

Last week I didn't really get a option not to help. My dad and stepmom were at work and so grandma was the only one around.

I really think she's just spoiled Jess for so long she doesn't know how not to. She also henpecks him about everything, but he's still the golden child and can do no wrong.

These were the kind of things that kept me from contacting my dad for so long. I didn't want to deal with all the family drama and now look where I've gotten myself.

[MCsMom]

aks226, I am sorry you feel that way. I know where you are coming from. I am the eldest grandchild on my mother's side and my grandmother was, let's just say not the greatest.

I would keep some distance for now if I were in your shoes. Life is too short to let her ruin what you are trying to build with your bio dad.

Hope that helps!

[niccig]

I'm sorry. This was similiar to my dad's family. Grandma always gave to my uncle and never my Dad. My uncle always took and never did anything to help, while my Dad always helped out. Dad said that his mother enjoyed the control over people, and his brother as a weaker and lazier personality could be controlled with money and gifts. It's a cycle then, do more for them and the more they are indebted and the more they need you. I bet anything your aunt and cousin don't help out and expect Grandma to provide, and this could be what Grandma wants, them to be obligated to her. If she interferes in their lives, then you don't want her money... Too many strings.

[aks226]

Thank you all. I've think you've hit the nail on the head!

I feel so much better.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[new_mommy25]

I'm sorry. You're in a tough situation. My children aren't the favorite grandchildren either, and it hurts me so much sometimes. I have to just chin up and try to ignore it.

I do think it's lovely that you were able to reconnect with your Dad. :hug: Maybe just try to focus on him during the visits and keep the grandparents visits limited to lunch out somewhere? Just try to minimize contact for awhile. :hug: