Wwyd?

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

My FIL, as I have posted about before, is intolerable. Luckily, we have very little interaction with him but when we do, I just want to scream. No one tells this man what they think and I have to say, I am very close to doing it!

A tiny bit of recent background. He forgets DD's birthday every year. He hasn't even acknowledged that it has happened this year (it was in May). DD2 was born. DH called him to tell him and after a 30 second conversation, we haven't heard from him since (2 months later).

I get an email today. It requests more pictures since they like the ones we send "from time to time". Really? Because when I sent out pictures after DD2 was born you didn't even acknowledge that you got them. Nor the ones from DD1's birthday. It goes on to talk about how he is helping his stepson move into college this weekend. Again, really!? DH had to bring himself to college every year. There was no help...there wasn't even a goodbye.

There is more but it's all the same crap. I really really want to tell him that we aren't just here whenever he remember us or it's convenient or he wants something. I also want to tell him that forgetting DD's birthday is completely unacceptable. If it happened once, no big deals. This is every birthday AND he has never forgotten BILs kid's birthdays.

BTW I keep my feelings and thoughts about the subject away from DD. She will ask on occasion (if she sees a pic of him) and we tell her it's her grandpa and he lives far away so we can't always see him. She understands that since all our relatives are out of state.

So, if you have gotten this far, what would you do? I am just so tired of no one standing up to the man. I am tired of his selfish ways. Should I just keep my mouth shut and get over it or should I confront him?

[ha98ed14]

Truthfully? I would let it go. You can't force someone to be interested in your kids. The man is 60+ years old, right? He ain't gonna change in the next 20. I'm not saying your feelings aren't justified, but really, FIL doesn't seem to care, so why should you waste you life energy trying to make him? Surround yourself as best you can with life affirming people who love you, DH and DD and count yourself blessed to find them. :hug:

[TwinFoxes]

I'm posting as someone who has a father that's completely intolerable, and was for the entire time I was growing up. What would you hope to get out of the confrontation? How is his not remembering your DD's birthday really effecting you, or her for that matter? It's really not.

Some people are just inconsiderate. But you keeping hold of your anger at him isn't good. I send my dad the occasional picture. He didn't send my girls a Christmas gift, and I doubt seriously he could name what month they were born, let alone their actual birthday. That's just the way it is. I'm done being angry at him. It's his loss, not mine. I honestly don't want him in my kids' lives. It's not like he's going to change and be an awesome grandpa even if he suddenly remembers their birthdays. He'd still be the same jerk, but now he'd be in my kids lives and they'd be exposed to his insanity (not literal insanity.)

I understand the desire to let him know what a jerk he is. But I just think in the long run it will have no effect whatsoever. And it could just make things work. Good luck.

[stella]

I think he *is* expressing interest in your children. He is asking for photos of them since he enjoys the photos, right? He should have been a better dad to your dh, but aren't you glad he is showing some interest in his stepsons and being helpful? Some men need a wife to tell them what to do (stepsons' mom) or they never think of it on their own. And even my own dad, whom I really adore wouldn't know when my children's birthdays are - my mom tells him.

I understand intolerable people - I have a FIL that we can hardly deal with - but I think you kind of have to meet people where they are, and he has told you he enjoys photos of your beautiful babies. I think that's kind of nice of him. JMO. I would send him some - and then maybe you won't have to talk to him for a while.

[wellyes]

I'm sorry he's so aggravating. But the latest email sounds to me really inoffensive..... he wants more photos of the grandkids, and he's sharing what's going on with his life now. He sounds like he is being a better father to his stepson than he was to your husband and that's a good thing. It shows growth. Maybe he'll be a better grandfather too.

If I were you, I'd send him the latest photos and leave it at that with a "thanks for asking" and pretty much leave it at that. Don't give someone else the power to ruin your day.

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

I guess what drives me nuts is he cares when it's convenient for him. I am just tired of hearing from him every few months. I make the effort by sending him pictures and then stop sending them because I get zero response.

But, you are right. It's my feelings towards him that tainted my view point on the last email. It was completely benign. I have such a hard time getting over this but I really need to just let it go. Easier said than done...:o

[ha98ed14]

I guess what drives me nuts is he cares when it's convenient for him.

I totally get this. This is how my dad is. I love my dad, but this is just him. I have gotten to a place where I can be happy to hear from him when he want to be in touch and when he isn't, I have my life to get in with. It is hard. My sister is still bitter about it, that everything is on his terms. But the way I see it, it's only on his terms if you give him that power in your own mind. Otherwise it is just one human being reaching out to another. YOU get to choose to acknowledge it and reciprocate, or not. A lot of people stop contact because they are tried of being hurt over and over. That is a completely logical and valid choice! Why would you put yourself out there to be hurt? But if you can get past that and realize that you are dealing with someone who is much more emotionally broken than YOU are, you might be able to see being in touch with them as a gift you can give them. Even if their attempts are pathetic and wrought with things you'd rather not know. That is where I am with it. These were the terms that enable me to have an on going relationship with some very self centered family members. Maybe that helps. If not, and you choose to end communications, I think that is an equally valid choice.

[mecawa]

I think I would let it go, but I totally understand your frustration with the man. I'm lucky that my DDs grandparents are not like this at all (we've the exact opposite problem,lol) but as a child my sis and I would have been your DDs. My dad's dad was the same way and still is to this day. He had a better relationship with his step children and now their children than his own children, grandchildren, and now great grandchildren. He was the type that didn't know his grandkids names and how many of them he had but then when it came time for a favor, he was suddenly there (and still is to this day).

I don't think that you can change him, and instead of causing more tension, especially if it's not going to change things, i think i would let it go. I don't think that what he is doing is right at all but I don't know how you can change it either.