My children are bullied, what to do? (long)

[Octobermommy]

Is there anything I can do? I believe kids are born with a personality that you can't really change. Both of my children are sensitive and sweet. They don't hit others or bite ( oldest never did). We were playing with my best friends kid who just plain isn't sweet at all. But I made the comment to my dh that she would get more of what she wanted in life b/c she did what she wanted and didn't stop to take other's feelings into consideration.

My ds was picked on at a function by a 14 month old baby girl. He would just cry and want me to pick him up. I didn't know what to do. Should I just remove him from the situation, stay with him and tell him to use words that I supply ( be nice, no pinching). He doesn't hit others at all but all of my friends kids take his toys, hit, pinch etc. When we mention a friends house he says "be nice, no pushing". It really makes me sad. He is going to go to a mothers day out program 2 days a week soon and I won't be there.

My almost 5 yr old was in a room with a 3 yr old and my dd came out crying b/c the other kid wouldn't share and pushed her. I have been working with her to use her words for years now and she still cries over things like that. She is super sensitive. She will be going to a 5 day a week preschool( used to go 2 ). I worry about how she will be and what this means in the future if she can't deal. She takes things personally.

I find myself wishing my kids would hit or push back. Isn't that terrible? Help!

[TwinFoxes]

I think there are two things going on. One is bullying, the other is sensitivity. I say that, because a 14 month old isn't a bully. At 14 months their behavior is egocentric, concepts like sharing mean nothing. In that situation I think your DS should be able to realize she's a baby and he's a big boy who has to help her and play nice even if it's hard.

Your friends' kids that hit and pinch are another story. What do their parents say? Is it allowed? Are you allowed to tell the other kids "no pinching sweetie." I don't think it's fair to put your DC is situations where mean kids are when they can't defend themselves. It's like letting a declawed cat out into the wild. If I were you I'd avoid the friends with the pushing/hitting kids.

Pre-school will be hard. Hopefully you'll find a school where the teacher doesn't tolerate hitting/biting/pinching.

I was a sensitive kid too. I don't know why. But I stopped being a "crybaby" at around 8. Don't worry too much about their futures. I certainly am no shrinking violet now.

[TonFirst]

Can you teach them to just walk away? Like with the 14-month-old (who I would hesitate to describe as a bully - a 14 MO isn't really cognizant of bulling, I'd think), it's fine that you removed your child, but he should also be aware of knowing when he should just remove himself from the situation.

My son went to a MMO program before he was old enough for preschool - he was two and very verbal, so we knew he would tell us if there was anything about the school that bothered him. And there was something that bothered him - this punk 3 YO named Benjamin. Benjamin hit, he pushed, he took toys - he was a toddler thug. The caregivers talked to his parents, the put him in time out, but they didn't feel there was anything they could do to alter the Benjamin's behavior (we actually stopped using this MMO because the caregivers, while nice and very competent, handled the entire Benjamin situation very poorly. He was a thug to all the kids, and frankly, it was time for them to tell his parents that he couldn't come anymore -- this was a very informal church-based MMO -- but they were too nice to take that step. SEveral kids stopped going because of Benjamin.). So I figured it was as good a time as any to teach my son to say - LOUDLY - "STOP HITTING/PINCHING/PUSHING/TAKING! I DON'T LIKE IT!" And then to walk away and find a grown-up."

I would give your nearly-5 YO the same advice. If she's not comfortable telling another child to "STOP IT!" she should, at the very least, be able to walk away - to remove herself from the situation. If she's nearly 5, I'm guessing that she's one of the older kids in the class, and for better or worse, teachers often have higher expectations - behavioral and otherwise - from the older kids. Your kids shouldn't hit or push back - you know that - but they should be able to remove themselves from any situation where they feel uncomfortable.

[Melaine]

ITA that a 14 month old is not a bully. I also want to mention that biting is a fairly normal developmental thing kids go through and, while I would never tell you to allow your children to be repeatedly bitten, not necessarily bullying either (this obviously depends on the age).
My children can be really violent with each other but they are incredibly shy and defenseless when it comes to other children. I have no problem picking them up and moving them if I see anyone hurting them or upsetting them. I also explain to my DC that "baby C" was just playing or that if my DC don't want to run and chase they don't have to. I'm assuming that they will grow a thicker skin as they get older and are exposed to more kids.

[egoldber]

Well, I feel your pain. My older DD is also extremely sensitive and it has been a HUGE issue at school. It was less so in preschool, because the teachers are more hands on and the offending behaviors were less tolerated (e.g., hitting vs subtle teasing).

I agree that those other kids are not really bullying yet. Bullying implies an intent and a specificity that a 14 month old is certainly not capable of and a 3 year old is likely not capable of. But I know what you mean and you are right that your children's sensitivity makes it more likely for them to be targets. Or more precisely, the intensity of their REACTION is what makes them a target.

I do a lot of coaching and role playing with my older DD. We talk about how to respond when kids tease or "bother" her. We have frank conversation about her reactions and how sometimes she has to pretend something doesn't bother her when it really does.

It's hard, but things are improving somewhat. As she gets older and able to regulate her reactions, it gets better.

I would recommend some books....

The Bully, The Bullied and the Bystander
Mean Girls
Odd Girl Out

[Octobermommy]

Thanks

I used the term "bully" just for lack of a better word. My ds is only 5 months older than the girl that was pinching him so he isn't really a big boy yet.

We wouldn't have anyone to play with if we didn't play with the ones that push and hit. Hopefully we will make new friends at mdo and preschool I feel so bad for my kids b/c I was very sensitive also and I know what that feels like.

I need to read books about my sensitive child for sure. I want them to cope well.

[purpleeyes]

I am a school counselor and I see this behavior a lot! ;( I know that parents try really hard to teach their kids to do the right thing, but sometimes want their kids to hit back! It is a perfectly normal feeling.

PP have given you great advice-I would strongly agree with what Beth said-coaching/role play is *the* most effective thing you can do with your kids right now. Think of it like teaching them math facts-they do not walk into school knowing their multiplication tables, do they? We have to practice them, over and over. Often, most kids do not walk into school knowing the best way to interact with others either, and we have to teach/practice that as well.

Another good technique is to read books together and talk about what the characters did-it helps in a few ways. First, your child sees that they other kids have similar issues and, 2nd, it provides them with strategies and ideas for how to handle these situations.

Here are some good books I would recommend:
For kids:
The Ant Bully by J. Nikel
The Recess Queen by A. O'Neill
Stop Picking on Me by P. Thomas
No One Knew What to Do by B.R. McCain.

For you:
Raising your kids Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills for Kids by C. Cohen

HTH!

[KBecks]

I am going to speak generally, but here is something that I learned that is useful.... if you want something to happen, or you want something in life, then you need to be able to communicate that.

So you want the part in the school play, you have to go and audition for it and give it your all.

You want help with something, you have to go and ask somebody for help.

That kind of thing. Hanging back doesn't get results.

You want your kids to be able to fix situations and escape situations that are bothering them. I think that them seeking your help is perfectly appropriate, and that you should help them, that is what moms do, particularly in a playdate or party situation.

[denvergal]

i could have written your post as well for my two boys. they were born that way and still are that way. in the beginning i felt just like you did. for our situation as hard as it may be to hear, they just had to learn how to deal on their own ie they had to develop a thicker skin. we tried the whole role playing thing many many times but (at least in our case) even though it seemed like i had "armed" them with the correct things to say and do in as many situations as i could think of and no matter how many times we rehearsed and they nodded in agreement sounding empowered, they just could not do it when thrown in the situation--it just wasn't in them. i just think much of it is personality and my kids are just never going to be the ones to push, hit or yell back but they did learn to not let it hurt them so much and walk away instead and play with someone else, which is not such a bad thing either.

i mean this is life and its full of nice people and not so nice people and in the long run as hard as it is for a mother to watch in the process, it's a valuable lesson for them. and i don't believe that they will be door mats in life either. i think that once they develop that thick skin, that will give them the confidence to stand up for themselves when needed later on. this is just the first step. i feel your worry and i'm so familiar with it but don't worry. it's all just part of the growing up process.

[Octobermommy]

We role play with my dd often and when she tells me about a situation I ask her what she did or said. I remind her to use her words, that words are powerful. She always says she forgets and will next time.

I would love any more suggestions

[egoldber]

Your DD is still very young. I would give it time. My almost 8 year old still has a hard time "remembering".

[Octobermommy]

Your DD is still very young. I would give it time. My almost 8 year old still has a hard time "remembering".

Ha, ha, thanks! I guess that might go on for a while.