DH wants out

[ltmommy]

In the past month, out of the blue (to me at least), DH has freaked out and has basically told me that he wants out of our marriage and it's too late to try to work on anything. The bottom has dropped out of my whole entire world. DH is my best friend and a wonderful father, and has been completely family-oriented since before I met him. But suddenly he isn't happy, and suddenly he doesn't care about trying to work this out, even for the sake of the kids. I told my mom and sister today and they were completely floored, never in a million years did they ever think DH would do something like that.

Any BTDT? If so, did you have any online support, any blogs or anything? I figure it's worth a shot. I was on theknot.com 9 years ago when we got married, and then came over here when we had kids, and maybe there is somewhere I can go now, where I can learn something from others about this horrible situation.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I really hope things get better and this is just a temporary rough patch. ((((hugs))))

Beth

[edurnemk]

I am so sorry you're going through this... I haven't BTDT, just wanted to send hugs your way. I can't imagine how you're feeling... and I can't believe he didn't say anything before it got to this point. I really hope everything works out for the best, and maybe he's just freaking out and will eventually see things more clearly and want to try to work it out.
Even so I hope you find a lot of love and support.

[g-mama]

Leslie, I just wanted to send you a hug. I'm so sorry and cannot imagine how much you must be hurting. I hope things can be worked out and that you'll be okay. :hug:

[TwinFoxes]

:hug: I am sending many p&pt your way. Even if he doesn't want to do counseling, I think you should. This has got to be a terrible shock to your system, and I think talking to someone will help you. I don't know of any online forums, I wish I did. Here's another heartfelt virtual hug. :hug:

[MamaKath]

:hug: I am so sorry. Is he willing to go to counseling? Did he give any reasons why? It sounds like there may be extenuating circumstances that he isn't revealing. I would go to counseling even if he won't go with you.

My husband and I have really struggled over the last few years. About a year ago, we watched (I also read the book) Fireproof. For dh he stated afterward that it was "life changing" for him. I did the Love Dare also. Things really did improve afterward. We both knew things were bad though, and both had at least a little desire to improve them. We just celebrated an anniversary and it is the first one in many years that I celebrated with hope for the future.

You and your family will be in my thoughts! :grouphug:

[Gretchen]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

The Modern Love column in The New York Times recently published a column by a woman who heard something similar from her husband, "Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear." (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?scp=4&sq=modern%20love&st=cse)

"This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say 'I don’t love you anymore' and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

The column has 201 comments.

Wishing you well,
Gretchen

[pinkmomagain]

Leslie, I have no advice. Just wanted to send hugs and best wishes your way. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[tnrnchick74]

:hug: I am sending many p&pt your way. Even if he doesn't want to do counseling, I think you should. This has got to be a terrible shock to your system, and I think talking to someone will help you. I don't know of any online forums, I wish I did. Here's another heartfelt virtual hug. :hug:

:yeahthat: and :grouphug:

[WatchingThemGrow]

So sorry to hear that you're going through this! We've been doing a Sunday School class about Marriage and it has been eye opening. There are so many things that can send you on a downward spiral that you don't even recognize.

I saw the movie Fireproof too, but we didn't do the Love Dare yet. I'd look into that as well as counseling. Wonder if he'd be willing to pick one from a list of counselors you give him.

:hug: to you as you continue to care for your family. I can imagine how difficult things must be.

[jent]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

The Modern Love column in The New York Times recently published a column by a woman who heard something similar from her husband, "Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear." (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?scp=4&sq=modern%20love&st=cse)

"This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say 'I don’t love you anymore' and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

The column has 201 comments.

Wishing you well,
Gretchen

I was going to post the same!

ltmommy, hugs and PT :hug:. My first thought on reading your post was that maybe there is something else going on, especially since family members think he isn't acting like himself either. Could he be depressed?

[kristac]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

The Modern Love column in The New York Times recently published a column by a woman who heard something similar from her husband, "Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear." (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?scp=4&sq=modern%20love&st=cse)

"This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say 'I don’t love you anymore' and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

The column has 201 comments.

Wishing you well,
Gretchen

I second this.

[Snow mom]

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope he's just going through a rough patch. Either way I suggest you find a counselor that you can talk with. Maybe if you are already going he'll be willing to join you at some point. Sending you another virtual hug :grouphug:

[MamaMolly]

:grouphug: and :54: I agree finding your own counselor is a good idea. You need to sort out YOUR head, even if he doesn't want to work on himself.

My mom and dad divorced when I was a teenager. In hindsight really don't think my dad got what he wanted...or maybe that what he thought he wanted was really worth what he lost. But it was one of the best things that ever happened to my mom, and she was married to a wonderful, honorable man for many years after that. Good luck.

[stella]

I am so sorry. Can you tell them that for the sake of your little ones, that you would like to be able to say that you've tried everything first - like counsleing - before you make such a big decision?

[KpbS]

:hug: I am so sorry. Is he willing to go to counseling? Did he give any reasons why? It sounds like there may be extenuating circumstances that he isn't revealing. I would go to counseling even if he won't go with you.


This. My parent's marriage fell apart (but there were warning signs for years). He flat out refused to go to counseling. She spent 5+ years in counseling and was able to get to a very good place emotionally--better than ever before.

So sorry you are dealing with this. I have had 2 friends and a BIL in the same situation. In each instance one partner had decided they were done with the marriage and were unwilling to do any work to restore it. 2 of the 3 (and I strongly suspect the third as well) involved infidelity on the part of the partner who had "given up."

My approach would be to apologize even if you have done nothing wrong and beg and plead him to go to marriage counseling with you. :hug:
P+PT headed your way.

[hwin708]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have personal experience with these forums, but I know they have been mentioned here in the past as very helpful for posters going through a separation/divorce:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php

[MMMommy]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. Big hugs and may your strength carry you through this tough time.

[justlearning]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now--I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

You might find the discussion forums at www.marriagebuilders.com to be helpful--it sounds like their "Marriage Builders 101" would be the most appropriate one in your situation right now. (They also have one on divorce if it continues to head that way.)

I haven't participated on there myself but did look at their forums on infidelity when I was researching that topic while in grad school. Because Harley has written books on affairs, it seems like much of this website is devoted to that topic. But he has also written books on meeting each other's needs in a marriage, so I think that forum I referenced above might be more general. The discussion forum on marriage builders does seem to be very active, so perhaps someone can give you BTDT advice.

Hopefully, your DH is just going through a tough period right now where he's feeling stressed, overwhelmed by different things, and hopeless about your relationship as a result. Is there any way at all that he'd agree to go see a marriage counselor with you? If he says he doesn't want to because there's no way that things will ever work out between you, then say fine--then let's go because we need to talk about how we're going to end our marriage in the best way for the sake of our children and how we're going to co-parent after the divorce. My point here is don't argue with him about getting counseling--just try to get him there any way you can. Once there, hopefully you'll be able to learn more about what's going on with him (and if an affair is a possibility) and why he's suddenly come to this conclusion about your marriage. If you can't afford counseling, you could contact the city to find out about free services or a church.

If counseling isn't an option, you could still try to get him to talk to you more about how he's feeling by asking questions in a non-accusatory, non-aggressive way. For example, you could say to him, "I'm so sorry to hear that you're unhappy in our marriage. I love you deeply and want for you to be happy more than anything else in the world. Could you tell me about what's led to feel the way you do right now and why you think you'll be happier separated from me?" The more that you try to really understand his feelings, the greater chance you'll have of getting useful info from him that could lead to working on the marriage, even if he's saying that he doesn't want to work on the marriage.
.
I wish you the very best right now and am sending you huge virtual hugs. Please keep us updated...

ETA that after posting this, I saw that hwin708 had just recommended the same forum. Hopefully, that will be a good resource for you.

[wencit]

I just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through this situation. :hug: You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[tylersmama]

:hug:

Sending you lots and lots and lots of :hug:. BTDT. Unfortunately, my situation didn't have a happy ending. Every situation is different, but in my situation, my XH pretty much said out of the blue (there was a precipitating event, but before that I had NO clue anything was wrong) that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. DS wasn't even a year old yet.

Echoing all the recommendations for counseling. If you can get your H to go with you, that's ideal, of course, but even if you can't, it's still good for you. The problem that we ran into was that my XH was completely unwilling to do any of the things that our therapist recommended. And I think that would be the most important thing that I learned...you cannot control the other person. You can do everything possible, everything "right", but you can't control that other person. They have to be invested and want to make a change. If they do, then you have a good chance at making things work, but if they don't, well...you just have to worry about you.

I will say that I have learned a lot about myself through this. I've learned that I AM a strong, capable woman. That I can care for my son. That I can fix toilets and cabinetry and hang ceiling fans. That I can run half-marathons and complete triathlons. And most importantly, that I CAN be happy without him. I hope that someday I'll meet someone and get married and perhaps have more kids, but if I end up as an old maid, that's ok, too.

Give yourself permission to let things go. Cry. Scream. Yell. For me, exercise was my salvation. One of the best things to come out of the crap that I went through is that I lost 40 pounds and am now in the best shape of my life. Exercise is my stress-relief.

PM me if you want to talk, I'd be happy to help anyway I can. And hang in there. It sucks, that's for sure. But you will get through it, and however it works out, you will be a better, stronger person for it. :hug:

[mudder17]

Oh Leslie, I am so sorry to hear this. I have no advice, but I wanted to offer hugs, love, and prayers that this will work out for the best for all of you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[wellyes]

I'm so sorry, what a painful situation. Good luck.

[gatorsmom]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sending p and pt.

The first thing I thought of when I read your post is that maybe the economy has him shook up or you are under some financial pressure. I remember when I was 10yo I walked into my parent's bedroom and I heard my mother, who had her back to me, say on the phone tearfully to someone that my father told her he's not sure he loves her anymore. Thinking back now, their business was under some terrible financial pressures because of some laws that were recently passed that affected that industry. When she heard me behind her, she quickly got off the phone. Nothing was ever said about that conversation after that but they stayed together and things worked out.

It seems odd that your DH wouldn't discuss why he feels this way especially if he always seemed happy. It makes me think there is something big he's dealing with right now that's clouding his emotions.

Big hugs and prayer for you and your family. :hug:

[Globetrotter]

I

It seems odd that your DH wouldn't discuss why he feels this way especially if he always seemed happy. It makes me think there is something big he's dealing with right now that's clouding his emotions.

Big hugs and prayer for you and your family. :hug:

That was my thought, too. I hope you are able to talk it through :hug:

[sariana]

My first thought on reading your post was that maybe there is something else going on, especially since family members think he isn't acting like himself either. Could he be depressed?

Depression was my first thought, too. A sudden change in behavior and/or personality is a red flag for depression (though depression can manifest not at all suddenly, too).

Have you noticed any other changes, such as in his eating or sleeping patterns?

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Sometimes people say things they don't mean. I hope you can work through this.

[citymama]

Wow, I can't imagine how your life has been turned upside down. I am sorry you are going through this. I was also going to share that Modern Love piece that Gretchen posted - no BTDT, but that piece sure got me thinking about the many cycles and stages our lives go through, and the different ways to deal with them. Is your DH open to couples counseling? Taking some time to work through this together? I am glad you have your mom, sister and a support network. Please don't hesitate to come here for anything, to bounce off ideas, or just vent. I wish you all the best and :grouphug:.

[Kitten007]

Sending lots of P & PT and lots of love for you and your little ones. Remember it's never your fault and never ever blame yourself or beat yourself up!

My DH and I have been going back and forth on this, but at least after huge fights....he realizes he would be nothing without me and the kids. Hopefully your man will come to his senses and see what he will be losing! I keep telling myself everyday that if it comes down to us not working....I AM STRONG! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, A MOTHER, SMART, AND A FORCE NOT TO BE RECKONED WITH! (Silly, I know...but it gets me through the very rough times.)

[jgenie]

So sorry you're going through this. :hug:

[crazydiamond]

As with a few others - I would strongly suspect something significant is going on that you are unaware of. It could be an affair, money, depression...something.

I also agree with some others that you should seek counseling on your own if he won't go.

...however I would also suggest (this is going to sound really bad) that you talk to a lawyer and also start some serious detective work (snooping). You have to protect yourself, your home and family from the any of worst case situations.

[Octobermommy]

I am sorry to hear this and I hope you find strength to deal with this. :hug:

[Melaine]

I can't imagine how difficult this situation is, but you have gotten a lot of good advice.
I hope you are able to find some good solid counseling and get to the bottom of the issues your DH has. I also highly recommend Fireproof as pp mentioned. An absolutely phenomenal movie and I loved it.
I hope things get better, or at least clearer for you. Take care of yourself, too!

[mecawa]

:hug: I'm sorry you have to go through this, I hope things will get better for the two of you.

[cairo06]

I'm sorry you are going through this. :hug:

[misshollygolightly]

I'm so very sorry. You've received some good advice here--sure hope it helps you and your DH. Sounds like, at the very least, you and DH have a little more talking to do--maybe, as others have suggested, he's dealing with other pressures (work, economy, depression), or maybe there are some things you could both work on to improve in your relationship. Either way, I think counseling (preferably for you both, but at least for you) could be a huge help :hug:

[clc053103]

It sounds like maybe he's going through a personal crisis- you don't just wake up and announce that without any warning. Definitely, counseling. I know many men (and women) are resistant to this, but I would be insistent- ask him to do so for the sake of your kids, if nothing else.

I am so sorry you are going through this!

[jse107]

I'm so sorry! My good friend's twin sister went through this. While she was 4 months preggo with their second baby, he just said, "I'm not in love with you anymore." They went to counseling, had a separation, she pursued having their marriage annulled through the Catholic church, divorce, etc. However....

It came to light that he had severe depression and anxiety that was untreated. He didn't even realize it. After two years of being apart, he got himself together and recovered. He proposed again and they are now re-married to each other.

Not to be Pollyanna-ish about it, but there must be something else significant going on in DH's life for him to just decide that he's done.

I hope that you're able to work through this successfully--my thoughts are with you during this extrememely difficult transition.

[BabyMine]

I am BTDT before kids. I am so very sorry. PM me if I can help.:22:

[DrSally]

I'm sorry. I would maybe put my energies into getting to the bottom of this. Personal crisis, like pp suggested?

[ltmommy]

Thank you all for all of your P&PT, and even just for the time you spent to send me good wishes. It really means so much to me. I have realized over the past few days that I have such a good support network, in my mom, my sister, my best friend, and all of you.

Ironically, my whole realization that this really might be the end came yesterday after we left a counseling session. He had met with a therapist last week, and then she requested a session with both of us. And she was very good - not only did she have some amazing advice on how to start working on things, she also felt strongly that we have a lot of potential as a couple (no unhealthy behaviors like addiction or abuse, and obvious feelings left for each other) and she strongly advocated to DH that he think about the effect divorce will have on the children. I left feeling much better. Until we started talking by ourselves, and it became clear that DH was not sure if he even wanted to work on this. That is when the bottom fell out.

I do think a lot of it is stress for him - he is in an industry that has been hit particularly hard by the economy, and he is basically self-employed. Fortunately he has been busy, but working ten times harder for less money. We also came to the realization earlier in the year that we were living beyond our means; we have money, but we haven't been adding to our savings in a long time. Of course, what finally came out of our mutual money freak-out was at least we had each other and 2 wonderful kids.

The silver lining in this is that is has also made me realize I am stronger than I thought, and it has made me focus more on what I do have, namely my kids. Since this started just a few weeks ago I have made huge progress with the kids and living more mindfully with them, complimenting them more, playing more with them instead of escaping to the computer, and just trying to smile a little more.

Reluctantly, late last night DH did agree to at least try to work on this, and he is going to see the therapist again on Monday. So we'll see. Thank you, though, and I am going to check out the suggested resources and hopefully find even more advice on how to get this back on track or at least survive it if I can't.

[citymama]

You're amazing, Leslie. What a great attitude! Again, all the best to you and your kids - hope this works out as positively as possible for you.

[MNmomtobe]

Thanks for the update Leslie. I wanted to send you a big hug and good thoughts your way. Sounds like your husband is going through depression. Depression does zap you of your energy so I hope this was the case when he said he didn't know if he wanted to work on things. Keep sending updates. I will pray for you and your family.

[SASM]

No BTDT experience but sending HUGE (((((hugs))))) your way. May God bless you, guide you, and comfort you & your family.

[ahrimie]

About a year ago, we watched (I also read the book) Fireproof. For dh he stated afterward that it was "life changing" for him. I did the Love Dare also.

I just did the Love Dare!!!! Definitely eye opening...

[amandabea]

Sending you hugs and P&PTs that all will work out for you.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Late to post - I hope counseling continues to help. You sound like you have a great attitude to improve things. I hope your DH is able to work through his problems- the economy is putting so much stress on people.

NOt to throw more on your full plate, but to help with $ and living beyond your means, perhaps you can check out the Dave Ramsey books/site. Money problems cause so much stress in a marriage.

[Melbel]

You're amazing, Leslie. What a great attitude! Again, all the best to you and your kids - hope this works out as positively as possible for you.

:yeahthat: I am late to post, but wanted to send prayers and positive thoughts. While I am very hopeful for your family, as a lawyer, I cannot help but to think of the "what if" scenario. It would be prudent to at least meet with a lawyer to find out ways to protect yourself and your children. If your DH sprung this on you with no warning, I would also worry that he is also capable of doing other things that are shocking (i.e. empty the joint checking account which is what happened to a DF of mine, running up credit card debt, etc.). I would not tell your DH that you are going for obvious reasons. While normally I do not like to keep secrets from my DH, I think it is justified under these circumstances. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

More :grouphug: and :praying: and :54:and if necessary more :54:

[missym]

I'm sorry your husband is reluctant to work on your marriage. You are strong, and you will get through this, with or without him. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. :hug:

[ThreeofUs]

Late post: I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm so very glad to hear your DH is going to work with you; you're so strong!

You know, there was a recent article in the NYTimes about this: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=modern%20love%20%22don%27t%20buy%20it%22&st=cse. Same thing happened to the author, and her response to her DH was "I don't buy it. What can we as a family do to give you the space you need?"

Apparently it was quite hard, and took a lot of strength and letting the leash go way long, but her DH came back to himself and to the family.

I'll post the link when I find it. HTH.

Hugs to you and your family as you go through this very difficult time.

[sste]

I believe there is a book published by a professor at university of chicago that reports her research on couples who virulently wanted to divorce, were miserable for months, years at at a time. She looks at them 5 or 7 years later and they are fine - - as happy as other couples. Apparently, if you just hang in there through the hard time, money stress whatever eventually it goes away and the couple finds themselves in a better place.

I have not looked at the research personally so can't vouch for data but now is not the time for meta-analysis! I would get your DH the book - - I think its called The Case for Marriage.

[NancyJ_redo]

Huge hugs and p&pt coming your way Leslie. Best of luck to you as you work through this.