Maybe I"m being too sensitive.

[niccig]

We've made some decisions for our family, that I'm getting the feeling others are being a little b$tchy about to me.

We're not sending DS to the local school, and friends that are have asked me about DS's school, and then proceed to tell me how the local school isn't bad and how I won't have the same sort of community they experience at our new school...I never said the local school was bad, and how do you know that our school won't have a sense of community...have you gone there? NO.

DS's new school has a longer day than the local school. So I get the "I would never have my child in such a long day. But I guess you know your child and what they can handle." My response, WTF

I'm looking at going back to work, I would prefer part-time, but I will consider full-time. Someone asked me why and one reason is I do want to return to work for mental stimulation, and another reason is to increase financial security of our family. This last year has scared me. DH's job is still fine, but I am a worrier about finances and we can save anything that I make. I then get attitude about how they will never do that as they want to be with their children. So, by working I don't want to be there?? Again WTF.

I don't judge them for where their kids go to school, or if they work or not. I'm excited about DS's new school, and about going back to work. You don't have to do the same, but you could acknowledge that I'm excited and not be all b$tchy because I've made different decisions to you.

I'm starting to feel like I need to find a new group of mommy friends.

[elektra]

That sucks. It all comes down to people's own insecurities I think. Try not to let them take the wind out of your sails.

[MMEand1]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the attitude from others (like it's any of their business, anyway). {{{HUGS}}}

I know all too well what it is like to make unpopular decisions that most others would not make. I am active duty and my DH is a SAHDad. I have heard from so many people that what we are doing is wrong (with me working and him staying at home), and that I am doing a disservice to my family and children by serving our country and leaving them for 4-6+ months. I have been told all kinds of stuff and in a lot of circles, my DH is looked down upon because he does not "bring home the bacon". People consider him lazy and want to know why he does not work and we have even been asked "What's wrong with him? Why can't he work?" Umm, he is working. He is raising our children; He is cleaning our home; He is washing our clothes and cooking our food. Just because he does not bring home an actual paycheck does not mean that he is not providing for our family.

You do what is best for you and your family and forget the rest. You know your DC best and know what the best avenue to take will be. Just because something works for someone else, does not mean that it will work for you and your family and vice versa!

Good luck and fooey on all the party poopers!!!

[hbridge]

Yep, we went through the same thing when we pulled DC from the local preschool and decided on one a few towns away. I actually had a woman stop talking to me because I said "something negative" about the local school, since it wasn't the right fit for my DC.

Know you are doing the right thing for your child and your family. For some reason the support network that should exist between parents has turned into this horrible "my way is the only way" attitude. Stick to what you know is right and don't let them phase you.

[infomama]

Your friends are being pretty discouraging and who needs that kind of negative energy especially when you are in the midst of making all kinds of decisions. Sorry you are going through this. I have a core group of 'good people' I can pretty much count on for honest yet tactful insight into things...hope your 'good people' emerge soon. :hug:

[Laurel]

One of the things that continually blows me away about mommy friendships is how threatened/upset people get when people make different choices than they did. Before kids, I don't remember anyone caring about these kinds of choices...but everyone seems so insecure now!

It sounds like what is really going on is that your friends feel like since you chose something different than them that you must think their choices are bad. How annoying.

[MontrealMum]

So sorry you are going through this - it's just mean and wrong. I agree with pp, chalk it up to jealousy and insecurities. Doesn't make it any easier, but you should feel confident in your choices - you're a smart, kind, talented woman who knows what she's doing :)

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I'll try to ignore any negative comments.

It's also a lesson for myself to

1) not give so much information when people ask "why?". I can see someone getting upset by me saying I need more mental stimulation than being at home taking care of the house/volunteering when DS is in school. I did say "FOR ME, this is the best", so I wasn't saying everyone should be like me, but I know SAHM and WOHM is a touchy topic.

2) not to do the same thing to someone else if they make a different decision to me.

[KpbS]

Sorry they are being so critical and not supporting you. You are doing what is best for your family and they can just get over it. I think people definitely get insecure as circumstances change and they are probably on some level wondering if you will still want to be friends w/ them as your social circles are changing. :hug:

[ha98ed14]

I missed this, but I just wanted to add my WTF!?! to your WTF?!?! It is the HARDEST thing not not feel like you have to justify yourself to your mommy friends. I struggle with it too. I am the solo do-anything-out-of-the-home mom in my social circle, so I feel judged even when no one opens their mouth. I really, really believe that when people open their mouths to criticize that they are really just feeling the need to justify why THEY did not make the decision YOU did; i.e., it's not about you; it's about them. But it still sucks to be judged by your friends.

[arivecchi]

I am starting to experience this too. Every family has to make the choices that make sense for them. I may disagree or wonder about choices made by others, but I keep my mouth SHUT as it is not my life. I do not understand why some people have the ba%^%! to say something. I'm sorry you are feeling judged - just take the advice from that other recent thread and say it makes you feel better. If that does not work, tell them you disagree with some of their choices but you do not say anything. That will make them think.

[gatorsmom]

I don't think you are being too sensitive. That is annoying. And I kind of know how you feel. There is a local group of mommies here that have sort of banded together and are trying to form a clique. I'm not sure who is really trying to do this but the main clique former is purposely leaving out us moms who have decided not to send our children to the local public school. It's funny because when I talk to the other non-public school moms, we laugh how our boys are such good friends but are all going to different schools (mine are going to a Catholic school, another boy's going Lutheran, and the other two are being homeschooled). The public school moms have sort of now left us out.

It doesn't really matter to me. My boys are forming great friendships with the other boys- especially the ones being homeschooled. I am just sitting back and finding this all very interesting and curious. Why are they so obviously leaving us out? And do they realize we don't care? One mom whose children are going to the public school pulled me aside and whispered that she pulled her oldest son out of the public school and are putting him in a private school. Again I marvel at why she thinks she needs to whisper this to me and why she thinks I care.....

Clearly there is some drama going on that (blissfully) I'm unaware of.

Niccig, I hope your friends get over this. You don't need that kind of annoyance.

[jal]

Is this another one of those places where "because it makes me feel better" could be put to good use?

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=332293&page=2
(see newnana's post at the bottom of the page)

[mommylamb]

I think people make judgemental comments like this when they are insecure about the choices they've made for themselves. It's there way of validating the things they've done for their families. The fact that they need validation just shows that they're insecure about it.

I am a WOHM, and most of my friends are also WOHMs so I don't tend to get flack about the fact that I work from anyone... but I do hear stories from other people that I find so offensive. I can't imagine saying those sorts of things to another mother. Families are all different and people are all different and make different decisions based on what is best for them on balance. The fact is, we'd all like to split ourselves in two so we could be home and work at the same time, but it's just not possible. I feel like (for me) I'm a better mom because I work. I have more patients for my son because I'm not there all the time, so I truly appreciate the time I have with him. I think if I were home, I'd resent that I had to give up my job (which I love) and I probably wouldn't be the person I want to be to him.

And, for the pp whose husband is a stay at home dad while she's deployed, just wanted to say you are appreciated and your choices are good ones. And good for your DH for being at home with the kids. it's sexist to have a double standard about men staying home vs. women staying home.

[TwinFoxes]

See my post about my annoying sister-in-law:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=332293

I got some good advice on how to deal with her judgmental questions. It's just f-in' annoying how people feel like they need to comment on your choices. I don't know why people like my SIL and your friends feel that your different choices are an indictment of their choices.

[niccig]

It's just f-in' annoying how people feel like they need to comment on your choices. I don't know why people like my SIL and your friends feel that your different choices are an indictment of their choices.

I don't get it either. I'll have to practise the "it makes me feel better" and then "here's the bean dip". I was surprised as this friend has been friends since pre-kids and I didn't expect it from her. Now my SIL, I would be surprised if she didn't criticize.

[Melanie]

I think people make judgemental comments like this when they are insecure about the choices they've made for themselves. It's there way of validating the things they've done for their families. The fact that they need validation just shows that they're insecure about it.

I agree. I think the less you justify your decisions to them, the less they have to argue with, as well, and the shorter those ugly conversations will go.

[mommyp]

I don't think you're being too sensitive either! ITA that it is their insecurities that cause them to make comments like that. Sorry you are having to deal with that attitude.

[newnana]

Sorry, I'm a few days behind.

Darn right this is a perfect place for, "because it makes me feel better."

In fact, we're in this exact same situation. We are going the private school route when the time comes if we are lucky enough to have jobs at that point. There are a bazillion Catholic schools here that are a third of the cost of the one we've chosen besides the free one in the craptastic school district we live in.

But we aren't Catholic. And we have the opportunity to send her to someplace that we think she'll do better in.

And that makes us feel better.

So when my oh so unsupportive family AND in-laws and and and all ask me why we are paying x$$ for Kindegarten for goodness sake, I don't give them any of the explanation above except:

it makes us feel better.



It feels fabulous. I promise.

[gatorsmom]

So when my oh so unsupportive family AND in-laws and and and all ask me why we are paying x$$ for Kindegarten for goodness sake, I don't give them any of the explanation above except:

it makes us feel better.



It feels fabulous. I promise.

I just read Jal's link and your explanation of "it makes me feel better." I just have to say that that is PURE GENIUS. I can foresee this becoming a standard phrase of mine. Who has time for long discussions like those that just end up with us feeling negative and the criticizer feeling smug?

I bet it does feel fabulous. ;)

[maestramommy]

I'm starting to feel like I need to find a new group of mommy friends.

And you would probably be right. WTF is right. There is such thing as reverse snobbery. :hug:

[niccig]

So when my oh so unsupportive family AND in-laws and and and all ask me why we are paying x$$ for Kindegarten for goodness sake, I don't give them any of the explanation above except:

it makes us feel better.



It feels fabulous. I promise.


I'll have to do this. I haven't told anyone the cost. Someone asked and I successfully dodged around it. My mother is asking all these very pointed questions, she doesn't know much about the school and is very disproving because it's non-traditional school. I answered "no it's not montessori" but didn't tell her what it IS. She doesn't even know the name, so she can't goggle it either..

[pantrygirl]

:grouphug:{{hugs}}

It always surprises me how parents can be so judgemental. We should be a team. We are essentially in the same boat. We are all parents.

We all have different blessings and we should be thankful for them.

I'm sorry to hear that some of the parents in your group are being so inconsiderate.

I'm a new mom and in my parents' group we have a diverse group of SAHP, WAHP, FT Worker Bees, PT Worker Bees, AP-ers, BF-ers, FF-ers, etc... We have different approaches to parenting for different reasons. The one thing we try to do is make sure that no one feels put out.

Parenting comes with a boat load of guilt (especially for moms), why the heck would we want to add to that cargo?

I find that sometimes, it's human nature for folks to negate a positive in someone else's life. It's strange but I think it deals with human nature and jealousy and rivalry. Instead of justifying my decisions, I just spin it and tell the other person they are fortunate for their opportunities. e.g. "You're lucky you live so close to the school." That usually backs them off.

I don't have a solution for you but I just wanted to let you know, you are doing a great job as a parent and only you and your spouse can make the decisions that are the best for your family. I'm sure both you and your spouse have thought long and hard before coming up with your decisions. Don't let anyone question your choices.

:grouphug:

[sarahsthreads]

I'm starting to feel like I need to find a new group of mommy friends.

I understand. I'm one of very, very few in my social circle who is *not* holding my 4-going-on-5 year old back this year. I'm getting a lot of "I can't imagine having my DC be away from me all day, I don't know how you're doing it!" comments. Also, "But she's so little, she's going to be the littlest and youngest one there, how on earth is she going to manage?!?" We also made the decision to put her in the K/1 multi-age class, so she's not going to be in "traditional" kindergarten, may be in class with children who are 7 before she's even 5, will be in the primary school building that goes up to 3rd grade instead of the building with pre-k and kindergarten, and won't be in any sort of traditional single-grade classrooms until 7th grade. (The program continues with 2/3 and 4/5/6 multi-age.) So I'm getting lots of negative comments about that too.

I love my friends, but sometimes they're really, really negative about the things I've decided to do differently from them, and I'm getting really irritated over it. For heaven's sake, school starts in less than three weeks, and I'm already nervous. Stop making it worse!

Sarah :p

[niccig]

I understand. I'm one of very, very few in my social circle who is *not* holding my 4-going-on-5 year old back this year. I'm getting a lot of "I can't imagine having my DC be away from me all day, I don't know how you're doing it!" comments. Also, "But she's so little, she's going to be the littlest and youngest one there, how on earth is she going to manage?!?" We also made the decision to put her in the K/1 multi-age class, so she's not going to be in "traditional" kindergarten, may be in class with children who are 7 before she's even 5, will be in the primary school building that goes up to 3rd grade instead of the building with pre-k and kindergarten, and won't be in any sort of traditional single-grade classrooms until 7th grade. (The program continues with 2/3 and 4/5/6 multi-age.) So I'm getting lots of negative comments about that too.

I love my friends, but sometimes they're really, really negative about the things I've decided to do differently from them, and I'm getting really irritated over it. For heaven's sake, school starts in less than three weeks, and I'm already nervous. Stop making it worse!

Sarah :p

This sounds like DS's new school. It's same age classroom for pre-K and K, and then multi-age. One friend said "I don't want my girls learning behaviours from older children". Again, I was like WTF. I did multi-age for most of my elementary and I loved it. Which is precisely what I told my friend.

I think some people are just negative about anything that is different.

You could also turn it around on them and say "really, Jack couldn't handle K. Well DD is advanced and already doing x, y and z, and she would be bored to tears if we held her back." It'll get them all worried that their DC cant' do what your DD can do :icon_twisted: not nice, but then their comments haven't been nice either..

[AnnieW625]

That sucks! Whether or not I send my daughter to Catholic school or public school I am 99.9% certain she won't go to the public school down the street from us because we know zero kids from our neighborhood who go there and it's full of bussed kids. Both DH and I work full time so we won't be able to volunteer in the classroom and or be able to walk to school to pick her up so I want a school that is going to have good classroom participation from parents, a good PTA, and a good afterschool program. It might be not be the norm, but it is what I want for my child.

ETA: good for you Sarahsthreads for not holding your daughter back. Holding back is really popular here even though the cut off is Dec. 1st. I just don't get the phenomenon of holding kids back that were born as early as May (my cousin happened to be born and May and was held back because that was the norm at his elite private school in Pasadena, but if he had started school at the Christian K-8 he ended up graduating from he would've done just fine!). His older sister was held back because she missed the Sept. 1st cutoff by 9 days so that's understandable, but his older brother who is less than 2 yrs. younger than sister was held back and his birthday was Aug. 12. My aunt said she didn't want them only a year apart in school. Kind of silly if you ask me they ended up at completely different high schools.

[AndysBride2010]

I'm sorry that your friends can't be more supportive, but what's it to them anyway? It's your child- you have to make the right decisions for you and him! Maybe at the new school you will find more like minded parents who will understand why you make the choices you do.

My sister is going through something similar- she pulled her kids out of a regular day care facility to put them in one that will guarantee admission into their private school, because when the time comes for the kids to go to kindergarten, she wants the best available eduation for them. Also, now that cut out additional commute time since the new day care is actually on her way home, rather than half an hour away. You'd would think her friends would understand that, not even question why you would not want to spend an additional 2 hours a day in traffic shuttling the kids around, but no, they got all offended that she thinks her kids are better than theirs- so not the case! Now they don't call her anymore- she was feeling a little lonely, but within a couple of weeks, they found new friends through the day care group, and now things are fine again- although I'm sure she is still a little hurt by their reaction to her switching day care. Whatever is all I can say to that!

[egoldber]

when the time comes for the kids to go to kindergarten, she wants the best available eduation for them

I think we need to be cautious of phrasing like this. There is no ONE best education. Every child is different and has different needs. The perfect school for one child may be a terrible school for another. The decision to hold back may be right for one child and a mistake for another. For one family choosing to drive more is OK, for another, it's not the right decision. Homeschooling is right for some and not others.

Different children/families have different needs, but many people have difficulty seeing that you choosing something different is not an indictment of them, their children and their choices.

[niccig]

I think we need to be cautious of phrasing like this. There is no ONE best education. Every child is different and has different needs. The perfect school for one child may be a terrible school for another. The decision to hold back may be right for one child and a mistake for another. For one family choosing to drive more is OK, for another, it's not the right decision. Homeschooling is right for some and not others.

Different children/families have different needs, but many people have difficulty seeing that you choosing something different is not an indictment of them, their children and their choices.

And I think this is why I'm running into some flak. We haven't chosen the route that others have chosen. I've been very careful to not say DS's new school is better than the local school, but I do think it is a better fit for DS. If I didn't think it was better for DS, I wouldn't be sending him there. And that inevitably it seems, leads to negative comparisons. I'm getting the " x school is good enough for my child, but it's not good enough for yours?" I'm also staying very tight lipped on the school set-up. They have a smaller teacher to student ratio and other things, that the local school can't offer as they don't have the same budget. All of this makes it the school we want for DS.

The only person not giving any flak home schools her kids, and that's because choice of schools is a non-issue for her.

[Melaine]

The only person not giving any flak home schools her kids, and that's because choice of schools is a non-issue for her.

Or she has just learned some sensitivity from having her own choices criticized constantly. Just a guess as a homeschooled kid all grown up.