What you should feel v. What you do feel (Long & rambling)

[ha98ed14]

FIL is having by pass surgery tomorrow. It has been a week of hourly updates on his progress from MIL. Originally it was just going to be a pacemaker, then they decided he needed angioplasty (sp?) and when they could not clear the blockage, they decided to do a by pass. The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow AM. DH left early this AM to drive up to his parents, which is about 2 hours north of us. MIL has been an emotional wreck, which is of course understandable. DH has been spending time comforting her on the phone. When he said he wanted to go up for the surgery, I was all for it, but I said I did not want to go because I did not want to have to field DD in a hospital waiting room for gosh knows how long with SIL and her four kids in tow. SIL is very emotional. Her youngest two kids are too young to "get it" about why their mom is so upset. The oldest is a normal 13 and unfortunately always made to be responsible for his 9 year old brother who seems socially clueless and can be very inappropriate at times. If SIL and her kids were not going to be there, I would have gone. Or if it was just SIL herself and her youngest, but that is not how their family works. SIL is primary care giver and BIL works. He has to work, so he is staying home. Everyone, including DH is staying at his parents condo which is the size of my 2 BR apt. I made some cookies for the kids and sent them with DH. He will probably stay until Tues. if things go well.

I feel guilty that I am not more emotionally effected by this huge surgery for FIL. It is worrisome, and I of course hope he will make a full recovery, but I don't feel much emotional connection with him, so while I don't want his to suffer, *I* don't feel anxiety about this situation because it will not really effect me if it goes well or not. I feel guilty, like I should be distraught and I am not. I really feel like the best I can do is to try to support DH whatever happens. Second, I feel bad that I like my dislike for SIL's kids keep me away. SIL herself is fine. We can have a nice conversation and be friendly just her and I. But taken as a whole, her kids are too much for me to take. Our parenting styles and very different and I can't stop myself from being judgmental about her lack of discipline and what I see as the resulting rudeness to other people, mainly MIL. When I found out SIL was taking all 4 of her kids, I thought to myself that she was burdening MIL more than MIL would otherwise be because the kids are so demanding of MIL's attention. Maybe that is not their fault because they are just kids, but I can't help but think that SIL ought to know better than to saddle her mom with her kids at a time of crisis for MIL. So, that is the main reason I stayed home. DH was fine with me staying home because he knows how I feel about SIL's kids and would rather not deal with me. It would just stress him out more. So we could agree on that.

I guess I just feel like my emotional reaction to this situation is not appropriate, like I should be *more* upset. But I'm not. I care about FIL and hope for his sake and my H's that things will go well and he will have a good recovery, but I don't feel much of anything.

[amandabea]

I don't think you shoulld feel guilty about your feelings/emotions about this situation. You're wishing for the best, but don't want to add to anyone's stress (your own included) by showing up for the waiting that is going to ensue. I think you're making the most logical choice for your family. It doesn't sound as if your SIL may have many (any) other options, so I would try to not be too judgemental as I'm sure she thinks she is doing what is best for her family.

Sending positive thoughts for your FIL.

[gatorsmom]

You just need to vent. And not feel guilty. Be as supportive, considerate and comforting as you can. Really, that is ALL you can do.

By the way, who here doesn't really feel how they think is appropriate some of the time? The difference is how you REACT to your feelings. I don't think you should feel guilty feeling that way. If you acted out your feelings and gave little consideration to the others involved THAT's when I think you could rightly feel guilty.

:hug: to your family at this difficult time.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

it will not really effect me if it goes well or not.

Sorry, this is your husband's dad we are talking about, right?

[wellyes]

I have a very sick FIL and I occassionally horrify myself with my blase attitude towards him and his illness. I mean, as a fellow human I do not want him to suffer. For DH's sake of course I want things to go well, or at least go quickly. But I'm not emotional about it from a personal perspective. So, I understand what it's like to not feel what you're "supposed" to feel in these knids of situations.

At the same time, I think it's our responsiblity to buck up and make things as easy as possible for the people who DO have a huge emotional investment. For me that means not really complaining about MIL anymore. For you I think that would probably mean putting aside whatever negative feelings you have about your SIL's parenting skills. Not that your feelings aren't valid, but that's pretty petty stuff in this kind of health crisis. Not something you really want your DH to have to worry about, IMO.

Anyway, good luck to your FIL.

[inmypjs]

IMHO, you really can't help what you feel. All kinds of emotions are normal and natural, and they are simply information about ourselves. What you can help is what you *do* with your emotions. Acknowledge that you are feeling guilty, but try to not to dwell on it. Instead, focus on what you might do to help those who are really anxious about and impacted by this.

[MontrealMum]

Sending you lots of P&PT...

Also, the fact that you're even thinking about this shows that you're a good, compassionate person. That still doesn't mean that you *ought* to feel one way or the other. Just be there for your DH when he needs you. :hug: