Have you ever just picked your family up and moved to another state?

[Toba]

I'm so hesitant posting this. I have just had an absolutely horrible 1-1/2 weeks and I'd really like some advice (or a few virtual smack-upside-the-head) ...

I have lived here my entire life. My small immediate family live here as well. Without going into too much detail, most of us are not close and I would really consider the relationship I have with my parents toxic. We are *very* close to my youngest sister but she had had enough about three years ago and moved more than halfway across the country. She was just here for a vacation, so we spent more time than usual with my family ... and I realized yet again just how truly dysfunctional we are (it was really, really bad) ... and how much I desperately miss my sister and BIL. She has been begging us to move down there, even going so far as to look for real estate for us. My BIL's large family moved at the same time and they consider us family (his mom swears that she would adopt us and we'd be so happy there). There is also the added piece that an inheritance of my husband's will be coming through late this year which would probably (hopefully) make us completely debt free.

My husband has had the same job for 20 years, but it's in a field that he could easily move into another state. The problem is giving up all that job security/seniority. He's also finishing up a degree that his employer is paying 100% of (which is way above what their policy is) ... but it's not like he couldn't take out student loans and pay it off ourselves, it's just a *really* nice perk. Plus there's the added problem of trying to sell a house in this market. We could easily buy a VERY nice house where she lives with just the equity in our home (bought it very cheap from DH's family and even with real-time adjusted home values, we have a lot of equity), but carrying two mortgages would just not be possible (trying to leave the inheritance off the table since we only know what it *should* be and when it *should* be received).

My husband's immediate family all lives 600 miles north of us and beg us to move up there all the time, but they are *almost* just as dysfunctional as my own. And I don't think I'd be happy there. He does have extended family down here that we are rather close to (cousins and a few aunts and uncles), but that's about it. We spend very, very little time with my family.

I just feel so alone. I really do. I know it's mostly my fault because I have panic disorder and social anxiety (which is directly related to my toxic childhood) so I don't make friends easily. I feel melancholy and blue and just lost. And I miss my sister so much ... this vacation of hers just made it so much more obvious. Thank God for my husband because he is just a rock. He would do whatever I wanted to do ... I have repeatedly throughout the years heard him tell others that he's happy as long as I'm happy. And he considers my sister HIS sister and my BIL is one of his best buddies. I just don't know if I'm romanticizing just starting over and not being realistic about it.

Obviously this is something that we would have to *seriously* consider and look into, but I'm wondering if others have just picked up and moved away successfully?

And can anyone else tell me how great the Dallas area is?? LOL

[blisstwins]

Moving sounds awesome for you, but why not wait until the inheritance does come through, your husband is done with school and the real estate market becomes a little more stabile.
I know she just left, so if you wait you will have time to process it all without all the emotional pressure of her recent visit. You should be happy and it sounds like you are dissatified with your current situation.

[bubbaray]

All other things being equal, I'd move in that situation.

I think you need to crunch the numbers. Does your DH own his employer "time" for them having paid for his education? If you paid off the education yourselves, would that eat up either the inheritance or the equity on your home??

I would do some math and go from there.

[gatorsmom]

I've done it a couple of times, but not with kids, which would probably complicate things somewhat. And I know many people who have done this. I have a few thoughts on this.

I loved moving. I loved experiencing new places and cultures. DH enjoyed it too. We were lucky because he was fairly successful in the field he was in and just cast his net for an open position at a company in the region we wanted to move to. He found one not long after he started searching. Many of my friends have moved cross-country too and successfully started over. So, yeah, I think it's possible. I will also say that if it's possible (because my family relationship was very close), my relationship with my parents and brother improved because we didn't see each other that often. We'd gotten along well before but any arguments we'd had just seemed so small when we only saw each other a few times per year.

However, I know this was true for me as well as at least 4 other friends of mine who moved. Some of the relationship problems we had moved with us to the new place. I still had trouble making friends because I"m too talkative. My friend Wendy couldn't keep a relationship with a guy any better where she moved to than where she grew up. So, my advice is that before you move, try going to counseling. Work through your issues the ones you have with your family, before you move to a new place and expect too much. I think you'll be happier in the long run.

My last thought on this is that even though you are still upset from your family visit and would love to move NOW, this is probably not the best time, don't you think? You should wait til your husband is done with his degree. Wait til you won't have 2 mortgages to pay off. Wait for the coast to be clear so that you can make a clean break. If it will make you feel better, why not, with your DH, start planning a date when you can move? Of course you can never predict when the housing market will improve, but you can predict when your husband will be done with his degree. You certainly don't need the added stress of moving and making life more difficult for yourself. But moving could be good for you in a few years when most of your ends are tied up. I'd try to be patient and wait til then and look forward to that time in the future.

:hug:

[ha98ed14]

I think about leaving California all the time. It is so expensive here and although DH's family is here, I prefer mine, thanks! We also face the same situation: DH has excellent job security and also he would not make as much money as he does if we left here. He is well paid for being a teacher expressly because CA is such an expensive place to live. Anyway, *IF* you can afford to take the financial hit of lost job security and whatever it would cost to sell your house and DH can find another stable job, I would move. What is keeping us here now is that teachers are being laid off everywhere, so now is not the time for a teacher to quit a good job and/ or try to get hired in another place that has probably just laid off their own teachers.

[maylips]

We have picked up and moved to another state....not to get away from family, but we did just move to a town 600 miles away for really no particular reason than we wanted to live in this area.

So, I'm just saying it can be done (and our town isn't nearly as big as Dallas, so you have a lot of choices there). I would also second what the PP said, though - don't do it on impulse as an emotional reaction to missing your sister so much. The reality is, it's expensive to move, even if you CAN sell your house for market value, it's stressful, and it sounds like you have some obligations to fulfill before you would feel comfortable leaving. However, it wouldn't be a bad idea to start talking about it, exploring the options, etc. It may be that your DH can feel good about giving his employer another year of work to pay back the education perk, and in the meantime you can focus on the excitement of a new adventure to get your mind off of your own loneliness.

FWIW, I miss our home state and my friends and family there, but our move has been a great thing for us, and we've made some wonderful friends here.

[kozachka]

We've moved across the country and across the ocean a few times so it can be done. However, we were not as 'rooted' as you are in places where we lived. Also, we are both open to meeting new people. In a nut shell, you might have a different experience. Based on what you wrote about your situation it would not be wise to move right away. Use this time to visit your sister and to get a feel for what it would be like to live in her part of the country.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We did, for dh's work. It worked out really well even though we didn't stay all that long (2.5 years). If there is a good chance for employment in the new place then I would strongly consider the move, if I were you. It sounds like a good opportunity.

Beth

[scrooks]

I think moving sounds like a great idea for you BUT I agree with others...maybe wait until your husbands schooling is done and the market picks up. You could spend the next year or 2 planning for you move- ie getting your house ready for sale and researching your new destination!

[kristenk]

If you really want info on the Dallas area, there are plenty of people on the boards you can PM - including me! I'm in between Dallas and Fort Worth, but I've lived in both cities.

Has your DH's employer already paid for DH's degree? How $$$ was it? The only reason I would try to stick around is to work for the employer for a while out of a sense of obligation. (I'm willing to admit that I might be a bit too loyal for my own good, though.)

I think you should start planning now. Get more info about the various areas in the DFW area, look for possible employers for DH, decide whether you really like temperatures above 100 degrees, etc. The planning time would enable your DH to finish his degree and spend some more time working, see about the inheritance, let the housing market recover a bit, etc.

I would definitely move away from your family, though, in your situation. DH's family is already pretty far away and it doesn't sound like they're too great, either.

Feel free to PM me if I can help. :)

[maestramommy]

I'm assuming your sis lives in Dallas?:p I only know one woman who moved to L.A from the Dallas area when she married, was totally miserable, and eventually convinced her Dh to move their family to Plano, a suburb of Dallas. I've heard it's very nice.

Is it possible for you to rent in the new area while you try to sell your house? That way you don't have to risk carrying 2 mortgages. As far as your Dh's job goes, he obviously wants to find a comparable job (as far as compensation goes) before you move. Otherwise, I think it's a great idea!

I've always lived pretty close to my parents except for when I was in school. We were always at least within commuting distance. However, Dh and I had made a commitment to ourselves that when our kids started school we WERE going to just pick up and move to a place with better schools. We decided to move to Northern New England, which is about as far from my parents as one can possibly get. We are much closer to Dh's family since they have always lived on the east coast. So we see MIL much more than we used to (this is a good thing). My sis also lives on this side of the country, and we have a bunch of cousins uncles and aunts within an hour's drive. So it's not like we are totally without family. Still, I miss my parents and my other sister a lot, and I miss my former moms group a LOT. But I am happy we made the move, it was a really good one;)

[ThreeofUs]

You could do it. Start looking at it seriously, there might be good reasons to move. As Melissa said, really crunch the numbers - but do it having been down there and really looked at the place as somewhere you might be moving. Have your DH initiate a job search down there, and see if there are nibbles. You never know!

[hellokitty]

We moved a lot before we had kids. However, that was due to my DH's job (not very secure, he got laid off 2x in his first 6 mo out of college). However, our final move before we had kids, we purposely tried to move back to our home state to be closer to family. Welllll, let's just say we have the same issues as you do. My parents are one hr north of us, in laws are one hr south of us, both sides cause us a tremendous amt of grief (can you say high maint and toxic?). We thought that it would be nice for our kids to get to know their grandparents, b/c neither my DH and I really knew our grandparents (they lived overseas, our parents were all immigrants). Well, as it turns out, neither side of grandparents really spends much time with our kids AND they do not help us at all. I see my other friends, their families help them so much (not financially, but just spending time with the kids, at least a few times a month).

My DH and I have talked about it before. We have said, "screw it, why are we living here close to family, when all they do is give us a headache and they don't want to spend time with our kids???" My siblings and my Dh's brother have all move out of state and I can say with confidence that much of it has to do with our parents. Everyone is distancing themselves from the parental units, b/c they are C-R-A-Z-Y!!!! DH and I now feel like we have been ditched with both sets of parents. We are geographically the closest to them, so whenever they need anything they call us (my mil is the neediest one, she sucks the life right out of you), they also have expectations that since we are closer we spend all holidays with them, etc.. It's really draining, b/c they expect US to put in all the effort (ie: drive to them), but they don't like driving to see us and with little kids, it's just a big PITA to drag them on roadtrips, esp two in one holiday wknd to see both sets, when both sets are perfectly capable of driving, but refuse to do so. If it wasn't for the fact that the housing market in our area sucks so bad (we're in the rust belt, so been hit hard due to so many plants closing in our state) and my DH's job is extremely specialized and hard to come by, we'd move somewhere else. I'm not fond of the area that we live in, it's very rural, very small town attitude (narrow minded), no cultural diversity, AT ALL, *we* ARE are the cultural diveristy. The only, "good" thing is that two yrs ago, I *finally* (we've lived here for almost 7 yrs) established a social network of friends after yrs of feeling quite isolated and lonely. So, it makes things a little bit more bearable, since I finally have some friends locally now. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider moving. Like a pp mentioned, just rent a place to see how it goes before you buy a place, just in case it doesn't work out. It sounds like you'd be happier to be closer to your sister and be farther away from the dysfunctional ppl in your family.

[MontrealMum]

We are facing a similar move - different circumstances. It will be due to where/when I get a job...we don't really have a choice, and we're OK with it, knew it was coming. We've both done it before, pre-kids; in fact, I changed countries. It's not something I would do lightly with kids, but I think you certainly have cause to wonder what if...

I'm know there are lots more issues having kids, mortgages etc., but what can it hurt to do a little research about the market in the area you're considering, wait until your DH finishes his program, etc? I think it's always a good idea to do a little background research about anything, and you have the reason of DH finishing his degree/waiting for the inheritange to take the time. You certainly have a good reason to move - just be prepared for when the time is right!

[MNmomtobe]

I agree with pps about waiting until your DH is done with school and until he has completed any mandatory commitment to his current company for funding his schooling.

If it is similar to my workplace, in return for tuition reimbursement, they expect you to remain employed with them for a minimum of 1 year.

FWIW, I have strongly considered moving back to Chicago. My folks are there, though I don't have a terrific relationship with them. I have friends there. It hasn't been easy developing close-knit relationships where I live now. I also have some social phobias.
However, my mom has it much worse and has no friends and my father does not like to go anywhere. I know she feels isolated. If I moved where she is, I would feel that she would depend on me to give her a life. I feel that she would expect to see me and DD every day off that I had. I don't know if I could handle that. I know I need to work harder and go back to see a counselor to deal with my social issues. I don't want to mask that or not deal with that by simply going somewhere where I already have contacts. I am not saying that is what you would be doing. I think it would be tough to relocate somewhere for one person. Would this ultimately put pressure on your sister, though she clearly wants you to move there? If however this would make both you and your sister and of course your DH happy then go for it.

[LexyLou]

Well, we've moved twice (about to be three times) for my husband's job, but it was nice to escape the dysfunctional families, lol!

We first moved from No. Cal to So. Cal and lived there for almost 4 years and then moved from So. Cal to just outside of NYC. We're actually moving back to No. Cal in 10 days, eek!!

It really sounds like moving is a great thing for you guys and it's not like you'd be moving some where you didn't know anyone. You have family there. I say do it!!

The only thing that sucks about moving far from the dysfunctional family is then they come visit you and they stay in your house for days and days and by the end you want to shoot yourself and wonder how your husband came from such a crazy woman...oh wait, I'm sorry..my MIL just left after a 10 day visit, so I'm still a little bitter. LOL!

[AnnieW625]

We moved from Northern California to Southern California in 2004 before we had Elisa. It's 400 miles but things are different here and it's almost like we moved to another state. We moved because of DH's job. We would probably move again and possibly out of state if the right job came along, we were able to rent out our current place for the same amount as our mortgage, and be able to afford renting a home in the new state until we are able to sell our current place. I'd also probably have to be able to find at least part time work in the new place too.

[LexyLou]

We moved from Northern California to Southern California in 2004 before we had Elisa. It's 400 miles but things are different here and it's almost like we moved to another state. We moved because of DH's job. We would probably move again and possibly out of state if the right job came along, we were able to rent out our current place for the same amount as our mortgage, and be able to afford renting a home in the new state until we are able to sell our current place. I'd also probably have to be able to find at least part time work in the new place too.

Totally off topic to the OP, but I totally agree about Northern Cal and Southern Cal being totally different. But I prefer So. Cal (well San Diego) although we're moving back up to San Francisco.

[Jo..]

Yeah.

We also have toxic families (on the East Coast).

When a job offer in the midwest came DH's way two years ago, we jumped at it.

We miss certain things...extended family that was SANE would be nice. But all in all, it was a healthy move on our part, and I am so glad we did it.

[Toba]

I have this huge post that I typed out (explaining in more detail) but I'm just hesitant to push that submit button.

I am so grateful for your replies and I've been reading them throughout the night and chewing on a lot.

Just to quickly answer one thing that popped up a couple of times ... no, my DH's employer has not made him sign an exclusivity contract, even though they DO have one. He specifically asked, and was told it wasn't needed. So no *legal* obligation there.

This isn't something I would do lightly by any means. And it's definitely not something that could possibly happen next week or next month, obviously. I've just had enough. I'm done. I can't deal with the crazy anymore.

[jerigirl]

Have you visited your sister? Along with crunching the numbers like the PPs have suggested I would spend some time in Dallas visiting looking at the city with the idea of moving there.

[rlu]

We did it pre-DS. DH was unemployed and wanted to become a pilot so when we got the relo op with my job we went from Silicon Valley to Plano, TX. DH wasn't able to get medical clearance so the pilot thing went away and we had DS so when I saw a way to get relo back to Silicon Valley I persued it aggresively.

We lived E of McKinney which is NE of Plano which is NE of Dallas. While the people are nice, a variety of factors including the weather, no local "flavor" of my church, and political climate drove us home. And the dogs were scared by the thunderstorms (which we otherwise enjoyed watching) which would knock out the satellite (tv and internet as there was no cable where we lived) every time. Also, they have trees in their lakes, a minor thing, but we so missed the ocean it was hard to accept man-made lakes as an alternative. We lived there 18 months, maybe not enough time to truly judge but that encompassed 1.5 winters and two summers, and some things like the weather and red ants just don't change.

[vonfirmath]

We picked up and moved cross country a year ago (Bellevue, WA to Austin, TX) to be closer to family (Sister is now in the same state) and for a few other reasons.

We ended up delaying moving two years (So we then had a 13-month old son when we moved) so my husband could finish his degree. Picking up and finishing at another college would have probably scuttled what has ended up happening. Its just not that easy to do.

I'd wait until your husband got his degree and calmly discuss where you are going, reasons for doing it, etc.

(Also in our case, we had been renting because we knew there was a good chance we were moving out of state so wanted flexibility to move when needed to. Perhaps you could use the time he is finishing his degree to sell your house and rent the rest of the time you are in current location?)

We knew we wanted to move to Texas, and that we would be moving without a job (though I did try to find one at a distance, it is difficult), so we researched the major job centers of Texas and tried to decide where, if I didn't get a job ahead of time, we would want to move. We chose Austin for proximity to family, a balance in the weather, good job market, and because we've been here a few times and liked the area we drove through to get to my sister's place (Anderson, TX)

[happymom]

:hug:

Just wanted to mention that just PLANNING a move might make all the craziness a bit more bearable for you because you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, kwim? Even if you know that you will not be moving for another 2 years, just knowing that you *will* be moving might really help you. I know this helps me- like when I'm having a very difficult time at work, its so much easier to tolerate when a vacation is around the corner. I know that's a much smaller scale than what youre going through of course.

Hugs again.

[niccig]

:hug:

Just wanted to mention that just PLANNING a move might make all the craziness a bit more bearable for you because you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, kwim? Even if you know that you will not be moving for another 2 years, just knowing that you *will* be moving might really help you. I know this helps me- like when I'm having a very difficult time at work, its so much easier to tolerate when a vacation is around the corner. I know that's a much smaller scale than what youre going through of course.

Hugs again.

Yeah this. Moving will take a while to organize. I would stay put, have DH finish his degree, spend LONG vacations with your sister at different times of the year to see if you could live there. Wait until the inheritance comes through and in a year or two, you might be able to sell your house more easily.

Meanwhile, try to put some distance between you and your family, so you can cope with them.