I'm just not sure how to deal with

[Clarity]

my 3 year old dd. I feel bad because I got angry with her today and it was her first day of pre-school. I've been getting angry with her more frequently lately and I think it's because I just don't even know how to respond to some of her behaviors. She's usually pretty good, but lately she's been behaving more disrespectfully of dh and me. She's been talking back, making faces at us, etc. I haven't managed to figure out how to deal with her disrespectful behavior without getting angry with her. (And, to be honest, being disrespected is something I'm too sensitive about.) So, I want to find a calmer, gentler way to respond rather than getting angry with her. I'd also like to know if there's a way to get her to stop that behavior?

[clc053103]

Many of us have posted similar issues with our 3 year olds, so I feel for you!! 3 can be a tough age- as my neighbor said, they warn you of the terrible two's, but no one says anything about the life threatening 3's!

Some books that helped me were:
1-2-3 Magic
Your 3 year Old- friend or foe (I think that's the title - it's part of a series).

I am sure others will post more helpful resources and ideas too!

[brittone2]

Buy Playful Parenting by Cohen. Honestly, for 3s I found it very helpful and it is one of the books I've found most inspiring through the years.

So when she makes a face, don't turn it into an issue of disrespect. Ignore it, or turn it into an opportunity to engage in some playful parenting.

For talking back, they are at the age where they learn words have meaning and power. It only has power when you give it power. So ignore it, or work on "scripting" her (but don't expect that she'll get it right every time). I'd tell her what you want her to say and try your best to keep your emotions out of it, kwim? If you aren't letting her push your buttons (I know, easier said than done!!), her actions/words don't have that much power.

Have you ever checked out the gentle discipline board at gentlechristianmothers.com? I don't consider myself a conservative Christian but I've found so much great advice there through the years. Whenever we hit those new, challenging phases with kids I find it so helpful to hang out there and get some new tools for the parenting toolbox. It helps me so much. (eta: they redid their site recently and they don't have the extensive archives they once had. There are some good stickied threads over there that may be of interest).

eta: FWIW, remember what you are describing *is* 3. That doesn't make it fun or easy though. DS was a pretty "easy" 2 year old and 3 was waaaaaaaaaaay more challenging for us. I'm a big believer in discipline=to teach, so I've tried my best to view things through the lens of trying to help them grow and learn...you can't punish away 3 all that easily, kwim? They are still 3. It always feels like your own child is the only one going through whatever behaviors, but honestly, most of what you are describing is what lots of 3s do.

[MommyofAmaya]

I'll be watching this thread. I think Playful Parenting will be great for DH as he is the both the disciplinarian and the playmate in the house. DD has recently learned the power of "I don't love you". I try to ignore her or laugh but sometimes it makes me want to :crying:

[TwinFoxes]

I'll be watching this thread. I think Playful Parenting will be great for DH as he is the both the disciplinarian and the playmate in the house. DD has recently learned the power of "I don't love you". I try to ignore her or laugh but sometimes it makes me want to :crying:

:hug: I can only imagine!

[Twoboos]

DD has recently learned the power of "I don't love you". I try to ignore her or laugh but sometimes it makes me want to :crying:

I respond to this doozy with "I'm sorry to hear that (or that hurts my feelings), but I always love you" and walk away. I'm usually more annoyed by this than anything b/c usually it's part of a bigger uglier tantrum, LOL!!

(And DD has been 4 for 13 days now, when exactly does this horrible 3yo attitude end? Please say soon.)

[brittone2]

I respond to this doozy with "I'm sorry to hear that (or that hurts my feelings), but I always love you" and walk away. I'm usually more annoyed by this than anything b/c usually it's part of a bigger uglier tantrum, LOL!!

(And DD has been 4 for 13 days now, when exactly does this horrible 3yo attitude end? Please say soon.)


Ummm...4 was worse here (in different ways than 3 though) :bag

I've been handling 5 better.

FWIW, with my kids we definitely find the "equilibrium/disequilibrium" theory (I forget, is that out of Ames and Ilig???) thing to hold true many times. So we may have 6 rougher months and then 6 comparatively easier months...we usually don't have a whole year of challenging behavior, thankfully.

[melissaflorida]

Ummm...4 was worse here (in different ways than 3 though) :bag

I've been handling 5 better.

.


Ditto. I found 1 2 3 worked best with our dd at that age. The worst thing you can do is get pulled into an arguement. My Dh still has a problem with that one, lol.

Good luck.

[Clarity]

Buy Playful Parenting by Cohen. Honestly, for 3s I found it very helpful and it is one of the books I've found most inspiring through the years.

So when she makes a face, don't turn it into an issue of disrespect. Ignore it, or turn it into an opportunity to engage in some playful parenting.

For talking back, they are at the age where they learn words have meaning and power. It only has power when you give it power. So ignore it, or work on "scripting" her (but don't expect that she'll get it right every time). I'd tell her what you want her to say and try your best to keep your emotions out of it, kwim? If you aren't letting her push your buttons (I know, easier said than done!!), her actions/words don't have that much power.

Have you ever checked out the gentle discipline board at gentlechristianmothers.com? I don't consider myself a conservative Christian but I've found so much great advice there through the years. Whenever we hit those new, challenging phases with kids I find it so helpful to hang out there and get some new tools for the parenting toolbox. It helps me so much. (eta: they redid their site recently and they don't have the extensive archives they once had. There are some good stickied threads over there that may be of interest).

eta: FWIW, remember what you are describing *is* 3. That doesn't make it fun or easy though. DS was a pretty "easy" 2 year old and 3 was waaaaaaaaaaay more challenging for us. I'm a big believer in discipline=to teach, so I've tried my best to view things through the lens of trying to help them grow and learn...you can't punish away 3 all that easily, kwim? They are still 3. It always feels like your own child is the only one going through whatever behaviors, but honestly, most of what you are describing is what lots of 3s do.


Beth, thanks for the reminders. I have been at GCM before...I've noticed you recommend it before. Funny how when you're in the middle of the storm yourself you forget your resources! And, I'm picking up Playful Parenting and Your 3 year Old" this week at the library, I just reserved the titles. I think these will help my dh too, as she is increasingly more defiant with him.

It's funny, DD is precociously verbal and I sometimes do forget that she is just 3 years old. I know intellectually that these are normal behaviors but it is very hard to keep that at the forefront when she's pushing my buttons. She told me conversationally yesterday that sometimes when I yelled it made her cry. That made me feel really bad. I don't want to yell at her.

[Fairy]

I forget the age of my child almost daily, it seems. He's gonna be 5, and boy does he know how to push buttons when he's wanting something he can't have. I lose my temper more often than I should, so I try to deal with issues of bad behavior and disrespect with a look that tells him he's in deep doodoo, or telling him exacly what I think of the statement he made. If he is jumping on the bed at bedtime, and I say, "Please stop jumping," and he then jumps higher, I say, "Ok, I'm leaving," and I turn and walk away without a goodnight kiss or hug, and he freaks. MOMMY WAIT! And I say, "how am i supposed to give you hugs and kisses if you're jumping when I said to stop?" And he thinks about it. When he is disrespectful, I tell him how much that is not what good boys do and that he's a good boy so why is he doing that? And that makes him think, too. Then there's the hurt feelings thing, and I tell him he hurt my feelings.

I know how 3 is. And 4 ...

[ThreeofUs]

Amy, H is almost 5 and we are in daily battles of disrespect and wills, so no advice beyond what's here - just hugs.

Be good to yourself. I've come to think that allowing myself to get angry about this stuff is like holding a resentment - not worth what it does to me or my family. I still get majorly p*ssed, but I'm trying hard to back away, remember that the behaviors really are not about me, and give my child what he needs (whether that's structure or a lesson in the consequences of behavior or just some extra attention).

That sounds really well-adjusted, but I'll tell you I don't feel it. I have to keep working hard to stay in front of him.

I feel like Adam Sadler in "Night at the Museum" - did you ever see it? - getting into a slap-fight with the monkey. I keep thinking to myself "who's evolved?" to try to break the hold anger gets on me sometimes. :)

Good luck!

[gatorsmom]

She's usually pretty good, but lately she's been behaving more disrespectfully of dh and me. She's been talking back, making faces at us, etc.

This happened to me around this time last year with Cha Cha who'd just turned 3yo. I whined about it here and realized three is a tough age! The thing I figured out with the help of some posters here is that when they start behaving like that, they are really trying to stand on their own, so to speak. They are trying to be more independent and push away from mommy and daddy more. I've really noticed that this behavior comes and goes as they get older. We have gone through it a couple of times with Gator, too, as he matures and tries to find his own way and assert it around here. After a few months they tire of it and start to relax a little.

It might help you to know that she doesn't understand that she'd being disrespectful, she is simply trying to become more independent. It's a normal and important part of her childhood. Depending on where the problem lies (Cha Cha was a nightmare to get dressed at this age. He would not let me pick out his clothes for him and would spend near an hour picking it out himself, only to change his mind soon after :dizzy: .), you could maybe give her more choices to pick herself. I learned here to either give him 3 choices on what to wear OR let him pick it out completely himself. The key was to NOT confirm or praise his choices. I simply asked what he was wearing and got them down from his closet, with no commments about how I liked that shirt or that would be nice and warm today, etc. No approval from mom. After I stopped doing that, he calmed down a lot and a year later now asks me to just go get some clothes for him ;). The independent streak is over. for now.

So, for now, when she's driving you crazy, just try to roll your eyes, take a deep breath and know that "it's just a phase" and it's normal. And then come here and vent. :)