WDYT: dads who pressure the mother to keep breastfeeding

[arivecchi]

My DH did this to me with DS1 and I really resented him for it. He was not the one in pain, getting zero sleep and hating every minute of it. Now I find out from a friend that she is getting the same pressure from her DH. What do you think about this? Should dads have an equal say given that they are not the ones who BF? Should moms be the only ones to decide how long to BF or whether to BF at all?

[Piglet]

Yes, I think dads should have *some* say, but I would hope that both spouses would be able to discuss this without fighting with eachother. I know that I would have ripped DH's head right off if he was the type of person that made me have a natural childbirth if I had wanted an epidural (this seems common enough). He had no idea what childbirth felt like so he would have VERY minimal say in my pain management. BFing is a bit different in that it is a long-term issue - it would just breed more and more resentment over time potentially, BUT it is also something that takes a lot of encouragement from everyone around you to keep going when it seems impossible to continue. That is why there are LLL meetings and LCs and message boards, etc. I think that in the context of being supportive, DHs are key. In the context of putting pressure to continue, husbands can still have some say, but not the end say.

[smiles33]

Wow, that's a tough question. My first reaction is hell no, this is a decision for the mom to make. I know I was exhausted and cranky those first few weeks when BF'ing wasn't yet established and my nipples were cracked and bleeding. It was really tough and I might have secretly thought about quitting, but if DH had pressured me, I think I would have been furious with him for trying to make that decision for me. Instead, he was exceptionally supportive both verbally and in action, as he took care of everything else (I slept, showered, and nursed the baby, that's it).

Yet I also think about how I wouldn't have stuck to it and gotten past the "start-up" hurdles if he hadn't done everything possible to make it easy for me. So I hesitate to say the dads should have no role in influencing the decision. It's definitely NOT an equal role to the mom, but there is a role for them. If the mom is frustrated and doesn't want to continue, I think the dad could certainly ask what else he can do to support her and make it easier for her to try to continue. However, there's a definite line between being exceptionally supportive and pushy.

[TwinFoxes]

It's the word "force" I'm having trouble with. Of course they're entitled to express their opinion etc, but "force" implies something more.

ETA: My response was to the original title to this post which was "WDYT: dads who FORCE the mother to keep breastfeeding." The title was changed after I posted.

[wellyes]

To encourage is OK, to talk about it is OK, to want it for the baby is OK. To force someone, physically or emotionally = abuse. Of course that's not OK.

[arivecchi]

I don't mean physical force or mental abuse, I mean dads who make it clear that they want the mother to keep BF, even though the mother wants to stop. My DH is very kind, but he was really frustrated that I wanted to stop. In my mind, stopping was not a bad thing. I did it for a while and decided it was not for me. I did not appreciate his expressing his disappointment with me since he was not the one going through it. With DS2, he did not pressure me at all. I did it for a while and stopped when I felt like it was time.

[Ceepa]

To force is not OK. To strongly encourage and advocate for it is reasonable if the mother is able to.

[Sillygirl]

Forget forcing, what is he doing to support? Is he getting up at night, getting the baby changed, and bringing him to you so you can stay half-asleep at night? Is he making sure you get out of the house on your own for an hour or two while the baby fusses? Is he cooking nutritious meals (not ordering Papa Johns) and doing the laundry while you nurse the baby?

Anything less is just hot air.

[niccig]

Forget forcing, what is he doing to support? Is he getting up at night, getting the baby changed, and bringing him to you so you can stay half-asleep at night? Is he making sure you get out of the house on your own for an hour or two while the baby fusses? Is he cooking nutritious meals (not ordering Papa Johns) and doing the laundry while you nurse the baby?

Anything less is just hot air.

:yeahthat: Tell your friend to talk to your DH about all the things HE can do to make breastfeeding easier for her - if that is what she wants.

We had an awesome lactation consultant. DS was 2 days old when we saw her, and she told DH that his job was to make sure DS's latch was correct and that he was to help at night feedings. She had been talking to me about what I had to do and then turned to DH and said "and Dad, these are your jobs to help them with the breastfeeding" and rattled over several things that DH had to do. And DH did it. He got up with every night feeding for a few weeks, and then I didn't need his help. BUT, he did get up and do the early morning feed, so I could sleep in longer. A friend's DH does the late night feed so she can get a few hours together.

As for who has the say - I think it can be discussed, but if the mum really wants to stop, then that is her choice and he can't make her continue.

It's kind of like my DH saying he wanted me to have natural child birth when I was pregnant with DS. We could discuss it, but I said it would be MY decision, as I was the one doing it. He argued a little, and then I said "fine, I decide that you can't have pain meds for your upcoming tooth removal. If you can decide what pain I can be in, then I can decide for you". It shut up then and after his tooth with pain meds that still hurt the next day, he told me I could have whatever drugs I wanted...Yep it's my decision.

[brittone2]

Encourage, cheerlead, hope, want...I think those are okay for dads. I do think they should play a part.

But any dad that feels strongly about BFing should be willing to step up to the plate and realize that a housekeeper (or his own hands in housework) may be necessary, that mom should get to nap or sleep in or whatever when baby is sleeping, etc. etc. just as the other posters have said.

[AnnieW625]

I don't think a husband should have to feel like they need to pressure a mom to continue breast feeding even if they are helping out with feedings and such, the decision should be made by the mom. It's your are the one who should be making the decisions. If you need to stop breast feeding for whatever reason because it's just not working then that should be okay with you and him. I also feel the same way about non spouses, like parents, friends, and even lactation consultants or La Leche League; you shouldn't need to be forced to do something you aren't 100% comfortable with.

We made the decision pretty early on what would have a feeding schedule for the night time and that really helped. I think this started at about 2 weeks or so, and DH fed her a bottle at the 8 or 9 pm feeding before DD went down for the night, then I would go to bed and sleep for a few hours and then wake up around 11 or 12 and feed, I would feed again at 2, 3 or 4 depending on when she woke up and if she woke up any later than 5 am DH would take care of that feeding so I could sleep until the baby woke up again. It really worked for us.

[hellokitty]

Wow, I am shocked. Usually, it is the opposite problem. The DH is trying to get his wife to quit BFing and the wife is upset about that or upset about the lack of support, which makes her feel like she might quit. I get women complaining to me about that a LOT. I also hear women complaining about the pressure they get from other WOMEN. I can understand a dad strongly encouraging his wife to keep BFing. I can see too that a wife might perceive it is, "forcing" if she is tired and hormonal and feeling like her DH is on her case about it. However, to "force" someone to BF... I'm having images of a DH physically forcing mom and baby into the act of BFing, which I have to admit is a weird image. I think the dad *should* have a say in BFing, but there should be some sort of mutual agreement btwn he and his wife, he is the child's parent as well and should have some sort of say in the feeding practices as well, even if his body cannot physically produce breastmilk. If my DH did not keep on encouraging me to BF my oldest DS during those early wks, even when I was ready to quit, then I probably would have switched to formula pretty fast. I would have been pretty annoyed with him for pushing me to BF, if I felt like I had just had enough of it and didn't want to do it anymore, but at the same time I'm very thankful that he kept telling me to keep BFing, even when I wanted to quit, b/c then I probably would have quit.

OP, I am curious. At what point of baby's life was this, "forcing" occuring? During the first 6wks-2 mo when BFing is still getting established and mom and baby are still learning, which is a very difficult point of BFing? Or is it it a situation where BFing has been going well for months and then mom suddenly wants to quit?

[MontrealMum]

Forget forcing, what is he doing to support? Is he getting up at night, getting the baby changed, and bringing him to you so you can stay half-asleep at night? Is he making sure you get out of the house on your own for an hour or two while the baby fusses? Is he cooking nutritious meals (not ordering Papa Johns) and doing the laundry while you nurse the baby?

Anything less is just hot air.
:yeahthat:
DH was very vocal that he wanted me to bf, and when I encountered trouble, he was very vocal that he wanted me to continue. Yet he did very little to make it any easier for me. I might add, that since we're in Canada, DH had a right to quite a bit of leave time, which he had every right to take - but for the most part, did not. I became increasingly resentful and bitter about the pushing, yet lack of help and support, and probably still harbor some of those feelings although we've talked about it a LOT. So, yeah, as far is bfing affects the health of a child, sure, he gets an opinion. But he also needs to put his money where his mouth is IYKWIM.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I kind of think it's ok for him to, especially if the mom had initially set out to bf. And there is a point where the pressure goes from support and encouragement to nagging and pressure. It's hard for anyone to know what someone's tolerance will be. Factor in hormones, emotions, sleep deprivation, pain and physical exhaustion and our spouses might not be reading us right- nor may we be seeing the situation very clearly.

Since the dh is likely sleep deprived but not experiencing the same surge of hormones or the physical part of bf;ing, I do think it is helpful to listen to their encouragement to stick with it. They have a perspective that the mom may not. When in the trenches it is hard to see anything else.

I know that I was ready to throw in the towel at 3w with ds1. Dh did all he could to help me stick with it but also scoured the city for a hospital grade pump so I could pump exclusively.

I think that if dh's want to have their wives bf then they need to step up and be really involved. My dh did *everything* in the early weeks with both boys except feed them. He took care of baths, diapers, cleaning, laundry and holding the babies in the middle of the night when they were still fussy but fed. He was so involved that it was ok for me to focus on mysef and nursing. He also read the books, went to classes and paid attention at LC meetings. He was what got me past all the initial hurdles.

After hearing about how other men are after a new baby comes home and how unhelpful they are I can easily see feeling resentful to keep bf'ing in addition to doing pretty much everything else. That is unfair, imo.

It is his child too though and I think he should have some say in how the baby is raised or in this case, fed. I'll probably get shot dead for this but I also think that if the dad is the only one bringing money to the table his opinion on this issue matters because formula is so much more expensive than breastfeeding. I remember watching "A Baby Story" once and they were pregnant with a surprise #4. He was counting off some of the concerns he had and one of them was how much it cost to feed the baby. I think I yelled at the tv that he should encourage her to breastfeed and save some money. There are alternatives to formula sitting right there.

Beth

[vejemom]

To be honest, I think it cost me as much, if not more, to BF than it does to buy formula. I had a hard time BF with both girls, and between lactation consultants that weren't covered by insurance, renting pumps, all sorts of pads and lotions for my cracked nipples (the LC told me I had the worst one's she'd ever seen) - any of the supposed "savings" of BFing never materialized. Just sayin'...

[Andi98989]

My DH has pushed me to at least try and BF, but he understands that sometimes it just doesn't work out. So, we're going to see how things go.

[SnuggleBuggles]

To be honest, I think it cost me as much, if not more, to BF than it does to buy formula. I had a hard time BF with both girls, and between lactation consultants that weren't covered by insurance, renting pumps, all sorts of pads and lotions for my cracked nipples (the LC told me I had the worst one's she'd ever seen) - any of the supposed "savings" of BFing never materialized. Just sayin'...

Some of the things can be reused for future children so kind of like cloth diapering costs more to start it's practically free for future kids.

I did mean to say that usually it is cheaper b/c I know there are people who pay a lot out of pocket for supplies, LCs.... Still, on average I think that that bf'ing is cheaper especially if you stick with it for the whole 1st year and completely skip formula. Having never ff though I don't know the actual numbers. I probably had to pay $300 to bf 2 kids.

Beth

[scrooks]

DH was pretty supportive but after 6 months he actually asked me when I was going to stop nursing. With him, it was hard early on (prior to getting the hang of pumping) when I left for even a few minutes because he felt helpless when he couldn't feed DD if she started to cry.

[edurnemk]

My DH has pushed me to at least try and BF, but he understands that sometimes it just doesn't work out. So, we're going to see how things go.

Good luck! I almost quit the first month, but really after 4-6 weeks it suddenly gets a lot easier.

[edurnemk]

DH was pretty supportive but after 6 months he actually asked me when I was going to stop nursing.

Same here. I had initially said my goal was to get to 6 months, and once there, he said "OK, you did 6 months, it's time to quit". I didn't want to, but every few weeks he kept asking if I would stop soon, because he felt 6 months was long enough. Around 9 months he started pressuring more and we started weaning, very slowly, I kind of played dumb. But to this day I regret giving in. Next time, I will exclusively BF for a whole year, period.

So I think the Dad gets some say and definitely his support makes things easier. But I don't see how a mom that's not convinced about BF could do it, just because the husband wants it. I don't know how old the baby is in the case the OP is posting about, the first few weeks are hell IMO, so it's good to have encouragement to stick to it, but not forcing.

[kijip]

Forget forcing, what is he doing to support? Is he getting up at night, getting the baby changed, and bringing him to you so you can stay half-asleep at night? Is he making sure you get out of the house on your own for an hour or two while the baby fusses? Is he cooking nutritious meals (not ordering Papa Johns) and doing the laundry while you nurse the baby?

Anything less is just hot air.

This is it exactly. My husband did all that and more (especially considering I had low supply issues and he would wash all the pump parts) and did a great job of encouraging me and reminding me when I was feeling down about it how much I wanted to do it. But if I had had to quit, or felt I wanted to he would have been ok with it, though disappointed (as would I) that it did not work out.

I have observed both Dads pressuring to stop and pressuring to not stop and it's clear there is support and there is nagging. The great partners I know support and not nag.

[lowrioh]

My DH definitely pressured me to keep breastfeeding when DD was about 7 months old and it got to a point where I had a conversation with him about the fact that he was really stressing me out. After the conversation, he apologized and we decided together that I would continue to BF when I was home and pump once a day at work but if what I produced wasn't enough that we would supplement. It ended up that DD had about 4-6 oz of formula a day until she was about 10 months and then she weaned completely.
DH has very bad asthma and allergies and he hoped that BF would reduce her chances of inheriting them.
Basically, does DH have a right to FORCE me, no....does he have a right to voice a strong opinion, yes.

[ha98ed14]

I think it is completely a woman's decision what to do with her body. This is not a moral choice, like to feed or not to feed. This is a choice about HOW to feed. IMO, the H ought to close his mouth and either 1) offer to change or diapers in the middle of the night, or do the laundry if mom is bfing, OR 2) if she chooses to bottle feed, he can take on some of the feedings.

[Octobermommy]

I think it is the dad's right just as much as the mom if the reason is that they care about the nutrition of their baby and think bf is best for that. If he is supporting, getting up with in the night, helping feed the mom, keep mom hydrated, help with positioning etc. like my dh did then yes I think he has a right to do that. Now, if he is just pressuring without helping, no that won't fly.

[arivecchi]

I guess I just think the dad should express his preference, but not pressure the mother if she does not want to BF. Like a PP said, it's not like you are denying the child food. Even if he helps with everything else, he is not the one who has to sit there for an hour for each feeding, be in extreme pain due to clogged ducts or torn nipples or be constantly attached to the child and not be able to do much else.

[Moneypenny]

I absolutely think a dad has a right to express an opinion about the feeding of his child and to express disappointment with it not working out the way he wanted. But, I also think it's up to both parents to figure out TOGETHER what will work best for everyone involved. In the case of breastfeeding, obviously the mother is involved to a huge degree so her needs ought to be factored in.

[Bens Momma]

I can speak from personal experience...I had a REALLY difficult time BF DS1 and was pumping, syringe feeding, supplementing, dealing with mastitis, etc for the first 1 1/2 months. Coupled with the sleep deprivation and adjusting to being a new parent, I was in tears and ready to give up BF many, many times! If it hadn't been for DH encouragement (and pressure) I would've given up. He helped me realize that I wasn't the only Mom that had gone through BF issues, did some nightfeedings, researched techniques to help the latching issues, etc and gave me the reassurance I needed to persist. After DS1 finally started feeding well BF went smoothly. He self-weaned at 15 months and I was so glad that I stuck with it. I do think that Dads should be able to voice their preference for BF, I would just hope that they could do it in a positive/supportive manner. BF and being a new parent is hard enough to deal with without tension and conflict between parents on this issue. Having a supportive DH to work with you through BF is so important!