Beyond PO'd with DH & his flying phobia

[arivecchi]

We are scheduled to leave on vacation this Friday. We will see my family who lives in another country. Every single time we get ready to fly there my DH gets super anxious b/c of the flying (5 hr flight). I asked him whether he wanted to come this time before making the arrangments (booking flight/accommodations, etc) and he agreed to come b/c it would be the first vacation with both kids at the beach. Well, he could not sleep last night and is already driving me crazy about not wanting to come. Hello, two days before the trip????!!!! What can I do now? Cancel the whole thing, lose money and disappoint my whole family (some of whom have never met DS2)? I am not about to fly with two kids on my own. I want to strangle him. I'm so mad. :angry-smiley-005:

[nfowife]

Have him call his PCP and get a few anti-anxiety pills for the flight. I can't remember the name but there is one common one they prescribe (ativan maybe?) for just this type of thing.

[arivecchi]

Thanks. I will suggest that.

[sste]

If you are going with medication, you can add in an ambien CR for the nights before the flight. I am currently getting off of ambien CR - - you must be careful to use it occasionally only as you can become psychologically dependent - - but for a night or two where you can't sleep, I have found it to work well.

[Naranjadia]

I've known people who take one-time doses of xanax or klonopin, but if he does get anything, he should get it ASAP and try one tonight or tomorrow, to make sure there are no unpleasant side effects.

I completely identify with your position. My husband is the same way. Every time we fly he gets worked up. I'll be like, why are you so pissy? The answer: we're going on a plane in 5 days...

[StantonHyde]

I took Ativan just for the three days before my wedding--otherwise I might have been in jail on my wedding day for attempted homicide--on several counts. I asked my PCP and she was fine with giving me those three with no refills. I think the flying fear would be a reasonable request as well.

It just takes you down a notch--very good. But definitely have him try it first. I have a friend who was flying to Europe with twins. The husband (an MD) took Benadryl and gave it to the kids--for the first time. The husband conked out and the kids had the rebound reaction. She about walked off the plane and filed for divorce--probably would have if it had not been a foreign country. So have him do a test run so he knows what to expect. You can just take a half of one and see how that does and then take the other half if needed.

[alexsmommy]

Physicians get requests for anti-anxiety meds for flying all of the time. They'll just give you a few pills that are non-refillable. Do it. You'll be happy. Just don't let him drink on the flight or he'll be as good as not there for how fast he'll fall asleep (like practically knocked out asleep).
From what people w/anxiety tell me, he'll never fly without the meds once he does it.

[arivecchi]

Thanks everyone. I will have to discuss with DH. I am dreading even making this suggestion b/c he is so incredibly irrational about the whole subject and we always end up arguing.

[Andi98989]

It stinks to have to use meds for stuff like that, but it really does make a world of difference. I had to get them when I had my MRI's done and my mom needs to them to go to the dentist. I've had Valium (diazepam) and Xanax (alprazolam); I found the Xanax to be much more "potent" than the Valium.

[arivecchi]

Holy crap. I just called him at work and suggested he get some anxiety meds. He said ok. He will try that. I cannot believe it. Woo-hooo!!! I hope this works! You all rock! Thanks for saving my vacay! :bowdown:

[Naranjadia]

Hooray!!! :cheerleader1::cheerleader1:

Dontcha just love it when people don't give you the reaction you are dreading?

[deborah_r]

My DH won't fly *and* won't take any meds (well, I've successfully convinced him to take aspirin or Tylenol on occasion). You are lucky DH agreed to try the meds. But if they zonk him out, you are on your own with the 2 kids (I've thought about this extensively!)

[MamaMolly]

I was going to suggest a valium. I took it for the first time before a medical procedure I was dreading, and it just took the dread away. I was mellow and happy all day. Sigh, only one pill, no refills. ;)

[WatchingThemGrow]

Maybe you can order my grad school professor's book Flying Without Fear (http://www.amazon.com/Flying-Without-Fear-Duane-Brown/dp/1572240423/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_4)and have that waiting for you at your destination - or sometime before your next flight. It's supposed to be good. Well, that's what he told us. Apparently Amazon reviewers think so too. He said it's been through many editions over the years. The new one is due out Oct.1. Amazon has it, but it isn't in stock yet.

[vejemom]

Try not to be too hard on him. Sure, it is silly and inconvenient, but the fear is very real to him. I have a similar fear of roaches. If I see one in the house, I get so panicky that my peripheral vision actually starts to close in, almost like I've got blinders on. I'm freaked out for days afterward, and have trouble thinking about much else. I know that they can't hurt me in the logical sense, and they're really not much different from any other bug, but I just panic.

Total aside, but the more I read about scared or sick husbands on these boards, the more I really think that men have such a different reaction to fear stimuli than woman, too. Women seem to turn inward, while men lash out or become confrontational.

My mom used to be so afraid of flying that even the smell of jet fuel made her panicky. (Kind of inconvenient considering we lived 10 minutes from a major airport :D) My father really wanted to take the family on a trip to London when I was a child, so she decided to get help. She took a class that was basically a progressive desensitization. They toured the airport, got to meet pilots and ground crew, and learned how planes fly. They took a graduation flight to New York and back. (About 2 hours round trip.) She did pretty well on the trip to London. Still, we were all surprised when she announced that she WANTED TO WORK FOR AN AIRLINE. And she has for the past 20 years. She flies all over now on employee passes. She doesn't use any sedatives, although she still can't open her eyes during take off or landing.

[arivecchi]

So his PCP prescribed some Xanax. She recommended taking it an hour before the flight. I might get that book too. Thanks for the rec. He seems much more calm today although he had a tough time sleeping last night. I thought about the fact that he may be dozing on the whole flight, but at least he will be able to help with the children at our destination. I wouldn't want him to miss out on our first vacation with both kiddos.

[nfowife]

Hope it works out! Please report back when you get home and let us know how it worked out! :D

[arivecchi]

Will do! :wavey:

[almostamom]

I too have a very real fear of flying. I picked a fight with DH the night before our honeymoon in an attempt to not have to get on the plane the next morning. I even took a fear of flying class last year. Last summer my PCP prescribed Xanax. I had taken it previously and knew that it made me very sleepy, so I only take 1/3 of a pill when I fly and I have no fear whatsoever. We flew in the spring and I was fine. We're flying again in a few weeks and I'm not nervous at all. I went nearly 10 years without flying because of my fear and the anxiety attacks, getting physically ill, and uncontrollable shaking that resulted from it. I hope it works as well for your DH. It has completely changed my view of flying and made vacations much more relaxing for us. Good luck!

Linda

[arivecchi]

I too have a very real fear of flying. I picked a fight with DH the night before our honeymoon in an attempt to not have to get on the plane the next morning. I even took a fear of flying class last year. Last summer my PCP prescribed Xanax. I had taken it previously and knew that it made me very sleepy, so I only take 1/3 of a pill when I fly and I have no fear whatsoever. We flew in the spring and I was fine. We're flying again in a few weeks and I'm not nervous at all. I went nearly 10 years without flying because of my fear and the anxiety attacks, getting physically ill, and uncontrollable shaking that resulted from it. I hope it works as well for your DH. It has completely changed my view of flying and made vacations much more relaxing for us. Good luck!

Linda My husband is a big guy (6 feet & 235 pounds) but has never taken this before. The doc said to take the whole pill. Should he start out with half a pill?

[niccig]

My husband is a big guy (6 feet & 235 pounds) but has never taken this before. The doc said to take the whole pill. Should he start out with half a pill?

Do you have a couple of pills, so you can do a test at home? I would try to do that if you can, so you know how much to take. Everyone reacts differently to medication.

[arivecchi]

We leave tomorrow morning at 8:30 am. They gave him 4 pills.

[arivecchi]

DH is freaking out again so he is not going, now I have to decide whether to bite the bullet and go with the kids by myself or just scrap the whole thing. I hate DH right now. :mad:

[Aarohismom]

Can he try one pill now or tonight to reduce the anxiety? How long is the flight? I have done a 24 hr international flight with 2 kids all by myself, you can do it too!

[AshleyAnn]

DH is freaking out again so he is not going, now I have to decide whether to bite the bullet and go with the kids by myself or just scrap the whole thing. I hate DH right now. :mad:

I'd hide the pills in his food and force him to go. Pack for him and everything. Of course you risk getting on the airplane and having 3 babies to deal with but at least it means a family vacation.

I wouldn't miss the trip just because DH is being a moron even if he doesn't go. You'll only be upset for a week that you're missing it and its all his fault if you don't go where as if you do go you might have a good time without him.

ETA: I'm a small female (5 ft 1 - 100 lbs) and my dentist wrote me a 'script for xanax for dental fears. I take a whole one and while I feel tired and there is NO way I could ever drive I'm 'ok' like I'm not drunk or too stoned to walk around an airport. I think they come in 2 dosages and I take the smaller ones but still he's over twice my size so either one shouldn't knock him out cold.

[cuca_]

DH is freaking out again so he is not going, now I have to decide whether to bite the bullet and go with the kids by myself or just scrap the whole thing. I hate DH right now. :mad:

I am sorry you are going through this. Definitely go by yourself. I've travelled by myself with two kids many times (usually 4 hr. flights), and if you have a direct flight it should not be bad at all. Just bring plenty of entertainment and snacks for the kids. You will be ok. I would not cancel a trip to see my family b/c DH flaked. Maybe going by yourself and letting DH know the fun he is missing will inspire him to deal with his issues and go next time. Don't deprive yourself and the kids of a nice vacation, take them by yourself and have fun with your family!

[jgenie]

:hug: So sorry you're having to deal with this. I would not cancel if it were me. When I flew alone w/ DS I tried my best to keep him happy and quiet, but in the back of my mind I knew I would probably never see the other passengers again. Good luck!!

[arivecchi]

Well, we made it. DH worked all night and showed up at 5 am right before we were supposed to leave. :mad: Anyhoo, we got to the airport on time and got on the plane ok. As soon as the flight got bumpy DH got super tense and started freaking out. He took one Xanax and conked out. I dealt with both kiddos the entire flight. They were pretty good. We survived, but I am not sure I will plan any vacations involving flights anytime soon.

[WatchingThemGrow]

:cheerleader1: Way to go YOU! Glad he was able to join you. Sorry about the drama. My prof. said LOTS of people have written to him thanking him for the book. You should check it out so you don't have to go through it every time.

Enjoy your vacation!!!

[cuca_]

I'm glad you were able to make it. Enjoy your visit with your family and the beach with your kids!!!!

[arivecchi]

:cheerleader1: Way to go YOU! Glad he was able to join you. Sorry about the drama. My prof. said LOTS of people have written to him thanking him for the book. You should check it out so you don't have to go through it every time.

Enjoy your vacation!!! Thanks! Now I REALLY need a vacation. :hysterical: I will definitely purchase that book when it comes out in Oct. I looked for it at two bookstores and they do not have it in stock b/c they are waiting for the new edition.

[AnnieW625]

glad you made it and hope you have a great trip! Also you are lucky that you can take the train to many great destinations so you might want to think about that for future trips. A friend of mine takes the train from LA to Chicago every year now as her DH hates to fly and they love it.

[mommy111]

Try not to be too hard on him. Sure, it is silly and inconvenient, but the fear is very real to him. I have a similar fear of roaches. If I see one in the house, I get so panicky that my peripheral vision actually starts to close in, almost like I've got blinders on. I'm freaked out for days afterward, and have trouble thinking about much else. I know that they can't hurt me in the logical sense, and they're really not much different from any other bug, but I just panic.

Total aside, but the more I read about scared or sick husbands on these boards, the more I really think that men have such a different reaction to fear stimuli than woman, too. Women seem to turn inward, while men lash out or become confrontational.

My mom used to be so afraid of flying that even the smell of jet fuel made her panicky. (Kind of inconvenient considering we lived 10 minutes from a major airport :D) My father really wanted to take the family on a trip to London when I was a child, so she decided to get help. She took a class that was basically a progressive desensitization. They toured the airport, got to meet pilots and ground crew, and learned how planes fly. They took a graduation flight to New York and back. (About 2 hours round trip.) She did pretty well on the trip to London. Still, we were all surprised when she announced that she WANTED TO WORK FOR AN AIRLINE. And she has for the past 20 years. She flies all over now on employee passes. She doesn't use any sedatives, although she still can't open her eyes during take off or landing.
Go Mom!!!!:jammin:
What a cool story!

[mommy111]

Well, we made it. DH worked all night and showed up at 5 am right before we were supposed to leave. :mad: Anyhoo, we got to the airport on time and got on the plane ok. As soon as the flight got bumpy DH got super tense and started freaking out. He took one Xanax and conked out. I dealt with both kiddos the entire flight. They were pretty good. We survived, but I am not sure I will plan any vacations involving flights anytime soon.
So glad you made it. I bet the working all night didn't help with the sleep situation...or the anxiety. His fear is very real, on the way back I'd have him take half a pill for a couple days before you set out to decrease his stress level.