Sad, yes, but is DH really expected to...

[HIU8]

This is sad. DH's aunt passed away last night. The funeral is either Monday or Tuesday (not sure yet). DH is torn. His mother really wants him there (it is 5 hours away). Here is the deal. This weekend is Rosh Hashanah and we do celebrate. His aunt was not Jewish (not that this matters), and if he misses the dinner or leaves shul early so be it--my father will be there to help me with the kids and the dinner etc... Monday DH has 3 or 4 back to back meetings that he cannot miss. His mother is pressuring him to be there with her. FWIW, DH is all she has left (FIL and SIL have both passed within the last 4 years). DH cannot miss his monday meetings. This really stresses him out. If the funeral is on Monday, while he would like to be there, he won't be able to go, and his mother is going to explode. If it is Tuesday, he will go for his mother. I know family needs to come together when this happens. However, this is a part of DH's family that he didn't see all that much. He has work obligations and a mother who is going to get him fired. I can't say anything to DH--he gets really stressed and his colitis flares up. I need to say something to MIL.....

[BabyMine]

Can he ask for it to be on Tuesday?

[HIU8]

I don't know. It is up to the family really. Plus, he really can't take the time off b/c we need it for a trip in January (another big family event that we HAVE to be at--but it's in Orlando and we are going to do WDW in addition to the family thing).

[ha98ed14]

Is the aunt MIL's sister? If so, I can imagine her being very distraught after losing her husband and daughter. I think your DH should make every effort to tell his mom that the funeral needs to be on Tuesday for him to go. But what is the issue, work or the holiday? The holiday is Saturday. He could easily spend Fri & Sat with you and kids and then go to MIL's on Sun or Mon night to be there for the funeral. It will be a long drive for a short visit, but that is often the case when someone passes away. I don't see the holiday being a conflcit.Now work is another question. If MIL has any influence to get it to be on Tues, great; but if I understand your post, it is up to the aunt's children and family to decide. It'sa tough call. But I would not address this issue with your MIL directly. I would let DH deal with it. If you say anything, I think it will be seen as meddling. DH knows his work committments, so let him juggle it. JMHO.

[HIU8]

First, the holiday is saturday and sunday, but that is not the issue. DH does not want to go. It's MIL's SIL. DH cannot say no to his mother about anything and it is affecting him in that his colitis is getting worse. Plus, this family did not come when DH's father and sister passed away (2005, 2006). I am not going to talk to MIL--one b/c I should not, 2 b/c she only hears herself anyway. I'm upset more with DH b/c he complains bitterly about not having to take time off so he has enough for our january trip (yet another family obligation), yet he runs every single time MIL even wimpers at him (she is really good at the guilt thing).

[ha98ed14]

I didn't realize that DH didn't want to go. Well then, he should not go, which it sounds like would be better for your immediate family all around. But it sounds like your issue isn't with MIL, it's with DH and his lack of ability to stand up to his mom. Have you ever "put your foot down" and made him stand up to her? I'm not saying you should; I just wondered if you'd tried it and what kind of a reaction it got. It sounds like MIL needs to let go of her boy or DH needs to do it for her. But like anything with family dynamics, easier said than done. Sorry this is ruining your holiday.

[HIU8]

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. And, DH is going. He leaves mid-day Sunday and will be back Monday night. I'm am fuming right now. DH and I have had many talks about him standing up to MIL and he just can't seem to do it. He is concerned about DS becoming a mama's boy--WHERE DOES HE THINK DS IS LEARNING IT FROM?

This, I know will go on and on and on. MIL is forcing DH to put her before his own children and wife, and he does it b/c she plays the old woman alone card. HECK, THE WOMAN RUNS HER OWN BUSINESS AND HAS DH DO HER BILLS FOR HER (personal, not business). She once told me that DH likes to do them for her. HELL NO. DH is so overwhlemed by it that he doesn't sleep and is always stressed out.

I so wish I could give MIL a piece of my mind. But, I'm not going to. DH has to do it.

[ha98ed14]

I hate to say it this way, but it sounds like she has DH by the balls. She makes him do her bills?!? Why? Just so she can exert some control over him; to keep her fingers in the pie of his life and TO DO list. Has this has been going on for years? Is it enough of an issue that it drives a (permanent?)wedge between you and DH?

[kijip]

I am sorry your DH has not set firmer boundaries with his mom. That sounds really intrusive and disrespectful on your MILs part.

No advice but lots of hugs. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[HIU8]

DH does want some control of MIL's finances b/c she spends like it's water and he would like there to be some $$ for any care she needs as she ages (insert, if she doesn't have $$ for that it's completely on us when the time comes). However, MIL is perfectly capable of doing a lot of what DH is doing (and he knows it but does it anyway). She calls him daily to discuss her financial situation-DAILY. Never to talk to or about DS or DD, just her finances. It is going on 4 years now.