Mean kids suck

[infomama]

So dd2 had her 1st toddler class and DH took her. She had such fun however there is this little boy in the class who is a *total* bully. He stole some of her food at snack time and pushed her on the back while she was drinking from a cup of juice sending it flying across the table. This kids mom was just flappin her gums across the room and didn't see a thing (nor did the teacher). One of the other moms saw it and said, 'OMG...move that boy away from your daughter."

I am totally fired up. I am not calling the school b/c DH asked me not to and because during the class you stay with your Dc the whole time and now that we know about this jerky kid...we can protect her.

If that kid man handles my dd during this class and the mother is off in lala land....I may loose it. It's not a friggin social hour lady especially when you have a brat for a kid.

[arivecchi]

I am always flabbergasted about kids who exhibit such behavior and their parents don't notice. Oh wait, maybe that is why they act like that in the first place....

[Ceepa]

Sorry your DD was pushed around. I wouldn't label that kid as a brat. He's too young to necessarily act appropriately. Though the mom absolutely should have been supervising.

[infomama]

I wouldn't label that kid as a brat. He's too young to necessarily act appropriately.
We will have to agree to disagree on this one. My kids aren't perfect angels but by the age of 3 (this boys age) my girls knew pushing was wrong/not nice. Please don't be offended...you have your opinion and I have mine and that is all good.

[sste]

Not alot of experience with preschoolers here but do you think part of it is the gender difference? Was it a really vicious push?

Our 22 month old was hanging out with our friends' very sweet, generally nice three year old boy and in an thirty minute span that three year old boy knocked our DS over twice and ran into him one. It didn't seem nasty though - - just like the three year old didn't get the effect of his actions and really wanted to rough-house. Also, our DS is not particularly bothered by much of anything and was still having fun so I wasn't perturbed.

It sounds like the boy in your daughter's class was more nasty about it???

[hillview]

Sorry your DD was pushed around. I wouldn't label that kid as a brat. He's too young to necessarily act appropriately. Though the mom absolutely should have been supervising.

:yeahthat:

On a bad day, my son could have done something like that and he is 4. He'd have been in a time out with me but he does lack some impulse control. That said, it tends to be more at home with his brother vs with other non family.
/hillary

[mytwosons]

Sorry your DD was pushed around. I wouldn't label that kid as a brat. He's too young to necessarily act appropriately. Though the mom absolutely should have been supervising.

:yeahthat: Also, he could have some sensory or developmental issues that are influencing his behavior. Regardless of the reason, I'm sorry your daughter was pushed!

[TwinFoxes]

Who cares what the reason was? The kid stole food and pushed her hard enough to send her juice flying, meanwhile the mom did nothing? I think people are taking OP calling him a brat too seriously, especially considering this is the BP. It's not like OP is the teacher.

My kids have just started walking and this three year old girl at the park kept being really agressive toward them (stomping near their feet no matter where we moved, walking up to them and saying MOVE in ther faces, and she kept following us.) She hip checked one of them and knocked her down on purpose. I wanted to do more than call her a brat. Meanwhile her grandpa was just sitting there vaguely saying to stop. OP I totally understand where you're coming from. When your kid is getting shoved around you don't always care about the other kid's issues especially when the parent is doing nothing.

[niccig]

This is when I say quite loudly "Jimmy, please do not shove DD." - all done in a nice way to alert teacher/mother that Jimmy is acting up. I do the same at the park. If a parent isn't paying attention or ineffectual, I'll say to the child "Please do not tell my girls to move. There is plenty of room for all of us to play" and if she continues "I've already asked you to not talk to my girls like that, do I need to speak to your grandad about your behaviour".

Again, I say things nicely and I also moved DS to another part of the park. My DS is nearly 5 and I don't need to supervise him as much, but I still do. I caught him telling some kids they could not play on the play structure and when he wouldn't stop the behaviour nor apologise, we left the playground amid tears and screaming tantrum. I won't tolerate him behaving that way to other kids.

[mommylamb]

Not alot of experience with preschoolers here but do you think part of it is the gender difference? Was it a really vicious push?


I don't think it's gender differences necessarily. Just wanted to stick up for the sweet, quiet boys that don't shove...

[sste]

I know what you mean - - I have a little boy too :)

What I was getting at more is the developmental gap between boys and girls. DS (and the other boys to the same age I have met) seem to have far less impulse control, ability to grasp act and consequence of the act, and are generally a little less responsive to adult intervention than the same age little girls in my moms' group.

[KBecks]

Tell her at the beginning of class next session that he was pushy last session and ask her to help you watch the kids at the next class. No big deal, no blame, just ask her to help. Kids push sometimes, and he may need a little guidance. I think calling the school for a class you are in yourself would be overkill, you are there, you can handle it! I hope the next class goes better.

Of course you will be gentle with this boy or any other child that may act aggressively, be a good example!

[ha98ed14]

I totally hear you. Last Wed, I went to a playgroup that I almost never go to anymore 'cuz of school. But this day I decided to go. I had heard about this one little girl's (4 y.o.) behavior and how it had gotten progressively worse since I had been gone. There were multiple incidents with a friend's DD of hitting, pinching, shoving, pushing to the point where the moms don't speak because the aggressor's mom does nothing depite repeated comments and requests for help from the victom's mom. So last week, I went, but my friend did not, so the usual victim was not there. So this little girl comes up to my DD and starts kitting her on the back. My kid is 2; this girl is 4. SHe hit her twice in short succession. I moved in, placed my hands on the 4 y.o.'s shoulders and moved her sideways and with a firm tone said, "We are not going to do that." and sent her on her way. My hands grasp was not firm, but my tone was. She just looked at me with this bewildered look on her face.

[niccig]

. She just looked at me with this bewildered look on her face.

Probably because no one has ever told her to stop before. I've experienced that a couple of time. A good friend of DS argues back. I had both boys, and this friend started to argue with me about when we could go to the park. I answered again, but he kept trying to negotiate me into leaving sooner than we could go - food cooking in the oven, so I had to wait. He looked quite surprised when I told him that I had already given my answer about the park, and that I wasn't going to discuss it further, we would go when I said we would leave. DS knows the drill and told his friend to come play as "we'll go when Mama says it's OK"..

[JBaxter]

So dd2 had her 1st toddler class and DH took her. She had such fun however there is this little boy in the class who is a *total* bully. He stole some of her food at snack time and pushed her on the back while she was drinking from a cup of juice sending it flying across the table. This kids mom was just flappin her gums across the room and didn't see a thing (nor did the teacher). One of the other moms saw it and said, 'OMG...move that boy away from your daughter."

I am totally fired up. I am not calling the school b/c DH asked me not to and because during the class you stay with your Dc the whole time and now that we know about this jerky kid...we can protect her.

If that kid man handles my dd during this class and the mother is off in lala land....I may loose it. It's not a friggin social hour lady especially when you have a brat for a kid.

Well since YOU didnt actually see it maybe you should wait till the next class and see what happens. Some 3 yr olds have impulse control issues calling this child a bully , brat and a jerk have ONE class is a bit extreme.

[chlobo]

So dd2 had her 1st toddler class and DH took her. She had such fun however there is this little boy in the class who is a *total* bully. He stole some of her food at snack time and pushed her on the back while she was drinking from a cup of juice sending it flying across the table. This kids mom was just flappin her gums across the room and didn't see a thing (nor did the teacher). One of the other moms saw it and said, 'OMG...move that boy away from your daughter."

I am totally fired up. I am not calling the school b/c DH asked me not to and because during the class you stay with your Dc the whole time and now that we know about this jerky kid...we can protect her.

If that kid man handles my dd during this class and the mother is off in lala land....I may loose it. It's not a friggin social hour lady especially when you have a brat for a kid.

I feel for you. I really do. My daughter has been on the short end of a couple of encounters.

However, if the parents didn't react, then the blame lies squarely with them and I agree with not labeling the kid a brat.

And I agree with the previous poster who said that they will, in a nice non-confrontational way, as the other child to stop the behavior. It sucks to have to do it but its worse to sit and stew over the situation.

[infomama]

Well since YOU didnt actually see it maybe you should wait till the next class and see what happens. Some 3 yr olds have impulse control issues calling this child a bully , brat and a jerk have ONE class is a bit extreme.
DH *was* there and saw the whole thing. How else would I have found out about it? I mentioned the teacher didn't see it. She is 2 years old...not old enough to report to me about her day. It's a one hour class where the parent stays. Sorry if you don't agree with the words I used but it is MY opinion of the kid based on his behavior.
Not sure why you felt the need to post this response to my thread...this is the BP you know.

[arivecchi]

DH *was* there and saw the whole thing. How else would I have found out about it? I mentioned the teacher didn't see it. She is 2 years old...not old enough to report to me about her day. It's a one hour class where the parent stays. Sorry if you don't agree with the words I used but it is MY opinion of the kid based on his behavior.
Not sure why you felt the need to post this response to my thread...this is the BP you know. FWIW, I agree with you. The kid does sound out of control and his parents are not monitoring him. Bitch away....

[fivi2]

FWIW, I agree with you. The kid does sound out of control and his parents are not monitoring him. Bitch away....

:yeahthat:

When a bigger kid comes up and intentionally knocks my kids down, I use [in my head] a lot worse words than the ones you have!

[hillview]

I do think it is totally appropriate to step in and help DD deal with the situation. So giving DD words to use (and using them for her) is totally the right thing to do. Eg "this is DD's food, your food is there" or "if you want to share you have to ask DD if she feels like sharing her food" and then let DD know it is her decision to share or not. For pushing / shoving I think a stern "we do NOT push and even a maybe you would like to say you are sorry."

Finally I TOTALLY get the mama bear instinct and reacting to poor parent behavior when kids act up.

/hillary

[KrisM]

Sorry your DD was pushed around. I wouldn't label that kid as a brat. He's too young to necessarily act appropriately. Though the mom absolutely should have been supervising.


We will have to agree to disagree on this one. My kids aren't perfect angels but by the age of 3 (this boys age) my girls knew pushing was wrong/not nice. Please don't be offended...you have your opinion and I have mine and that is all good.

I agree with both. The kid may be a brat and a bully, but it might be because this is typical parent behavoir. Probably your children know it's not nice to push because you taught them that. But, if the parent doesn't do this, age 3 is pretty young to have discovered this on his own, kwim?

I hope the next class goes better.

[shilo]

DH *was* there and saw the whole thing. How else would I have found out about it? I mentioned the teacher didn't see it. She is 2 years old...not old enough to report to me about her day. It's a one hour class where the parent stays. Sorry if you don't agree with the words I used but it is MY opinion of the kid based on his behavior.
Not sure why you felt the need to post this response to my thread...this is the BP you know.

yup, it's the bitching post, and you're totally entitled to bitch. but i'm not so sure it's a great habit we all fall into doing it at the expense of someone else's kiddo, you know?

i guess really, i also think sometimes what we can most offer e/o in addition to support is a depth of perspective to help with situations like this in the future, you know? in the heat of the moment, OF COURSE you want to stand up for your kid and put it all off on the other child. but is that really what's in the best interest of your own kiddo? may sound idealistic, but i find if i let myself start thinking of other children in such negative terms and about what he/she shouldn't be doing, i loose perspective of what i SHOULD.

just MHO, but i wish more parents in situations like this took the time to think about how they could help _both_ kids benefit from the situation, you know? sure, you don't always want your kid to be the one getting run over, but nor do you want to teach them that it's ok to stand by and let it happen either. there's a teachable moment for both in situations like this.

fwiw, my oldest WAS your child at 2 and 3. we joked that he was so good at sharing that he didn't even blink when other kids came up and stole his toys or invaded his space. fast forward to 4 and developmentally, HE's the one so full of energy that he's having trouble slowing down enough to be aware when he's invading someone else's space in his enthusiasm. we're working on it - _every day_ right now. both were just points on a developmental continuum. anyway, just trying to say that it's easy to fall into thinking '_my_ child won't ever be like THAT child.' and of course, there are some kiddos who really do need a big dose of discipline with love. but for the most part, what the last 4 years have taught me is that pretty much every time i've thought 'i'm so glad my kid doesn't...' or 'i must be a great parent b/c my kid's never...' he proves me wrong ;).

so all that to say, hugs, i'm sorry your DD got pushed, i'm sure that's difficult to hear about. i hope it gets better at your next class.

[elliput]

I'm sorry your DD and DH did not have the most positive experience at the first day of class. New situations can be very challenging for a lot of kids, and sometimes it is difficult for some parents to know when it is their responsibility to step into a situation.

I hope things go better for your DD next time.

[infomama]

just MHO, but i wish more parents in situations like this took the time to think about how they could help _both_ kids benefit from the situation, you know? sure, you don't always want your kid to be the one getting run over, but nor do you want to teach them that it's ok to stand by and let it happen either. there's a teachable moment for both in situations like this.
What is the teachable moment/benefit for my dd here? That being pushed in the back so hard by another kid that her drink flies out of her hands and across the table is not nice and hurts? I think that's a lesson she learned by being knocked about.
I am not the monitor/teacher in this class. I am not there to teach that mother how to parent. She had an obligation to pay attention to her child and she did not. Yes, I am po'ed at the kids actions but I am also peeved at the mom. The next class may be different and I hope it is. I don't have my dd there to be a punching bag.

[shilo]

What is the teachable moment for my dd here? That being pushed in the back so hard by another kid that her drink flies out of her hands and across the table is not nice and hurts? I think that's a lesson she learned by being knocked about.
I am not the monitor/teacher in this class. I am not there to teach that mother how to parent. She had an obligation to pay attention to her child and she did not. Yes, I am po'ed at the kids actions but I am also peeved at the mom. The next class may be different and I hope it is. I don't have my dd there to be a punching bag or a learning tool.

I honestly can't believe I am defending myself here.

Oy. This is why I so rarely post in bitching. It never comes across right.

What I was trying to convey is that the choice when faced with something like this that makes the momma bear want to roar with the perceived wrong is to instead try to help your dd learn how you want her to react in the future. And in doing that hopefully help the little boy see an alternative as well. Do you want them both to learn that it's ok ( for him to be out of control and not see the consequences) AND (for her to learn that an appropriate response is to internalize and fume instead of speak up for herself)? She may be too young to do it now. But if you don't start modeling it for her now she won't just pick it up on her own, you know?

Anyway, like I said earlier, i am sorry your dd was on the receiving end this time. It's never 'easy' and sometimes the BEST we can do is make the best out of a tough situation for everyone b/c ultimately we do have to teach them how to all live together.

[DrSally]

I'm sorry this happened. It's so hard to know what to do at the time. My DS is on the mild side and at one LLL meeting, another girl came up and grabbed the wood rhythm sticks he was playing with. He hung onto them tightly, and she grabbed one out of his hand and hit him in the face with it. DS covered his face crying and yelled, "Be nice!" The mom didn't see a thing and I was blocked by chairs from getting over to them. When I got there, I said "Did you hit him?! We don't hit". A few min later, the mom saw her going for the sticks again and told DS to share his sticks! I didn't want to appear petty and say, "Actually, he was playing with them and your DD grabbed one and hit him with it, so I don't think she should be rewarded for that". This is a long winded way of saying that it's hard for me to act in the moment and I hope to get better at that. Once again, I'm sorry this happened and I hope it's better next class and, if not, you are able to intervene in a way that you feel good about.

[niccig]

What is the teachable moment/benefit for my dd here? .


That's why I speak up so that both my son and the other child know that the behaviour is not acceptable. I also think it models using our words to DC. My DS is nearly 5 and at school. He's dealing with other kids and I've heard him say "No, don't push me. I don't like that" very loudly to let the other child know he won't tolerate that behaviour. At 2, he couldn't do that, so I did it for him. I've also taught him that if he does not like how someone is behaving, that he can leave them and go play with some one else. That was also modeled at a younger age at the playground, when I would take DS to another part of the park away from a particular troublesome child with the explanation that I did not like how the child was behaving, and we would go do something else. DS did this today, it was before school and he didn't like how some boys in his class were playing, so he asked me to push him on the swings instead.

I think you'll find that other parents and teacher will soon be aware if this behaviour is ongoing. And they will also run interference if the boy's mother will not do so.

[sste]

Infomama, how did your DD react? Was she upset at all? If so, was she upset for a while?

At least with my DS things that I think are awful barely phase him and things I wouldn't even think about (touching his broccoli, going right instead of left at the doorway) send him into two year old hysterics with howls of violation.

I do understand feeling defensive and its probably doubly hard for you because you weren't there to intervene. In the heat of the moment it can be hard to remember that the bullying child is a 3 or 4 year old, not the future America's Most Wanted (at least I hope not)!