PDA

View Full Version : Why am I always the bad guy?



LarsMal
09-29-2009, 09:53 AM
I am so tired of the Good Cop/Bad Cop cr@p! I, of course, am always the Bad Cop.

DH is in charge of bedtime for DS and DD1. It's very nice and helpful that he does this, but his approach to bedtime is so a$$-backwards it drives me insane! Instead of calming them down like any normal person would do, he gets them all wound up and then doesn't understand why they won't go to sleep. What does he do when he can't get them to listen? "Do you want me to go get Mommy?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Real nice.

Last night I wasn't just the Bad Cop. I was also just a bad person. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I just don't think a four yo and a 2.75yo should be jumping on their beds and running around their rooms laughing and playing at 10PM. The whole bedtime routine had started at 8:30. I told DH he better take care of it before *I* did. What was his response, "What is your problem? They're just having fun. They're bonding" OMG- SERIOUSLY?!?!?! Then, just to rub it in my face, he JOINED IN on the fun, playing with them at the door so that they would see him peeking in and run, screaming, to their beds. By 10:30 I had had enough so I stormed off to bed. But somehow *I'm* the one in the wrong here. Whatever- I'm done!

And, just as I expected, I had two of the grumpiest kids this morning. Thanks, DH!

I've threatened both the kids and DH that if they can't get it together I'm taking over bedtime. I think it's time I came through on that threat- which sucks for me- there goes the only ME time I get during the day.

ha98ed14
09-29-2009, 10:10 AM
Wow. That sucks. It's like DH is your teenage son instead of your child-raising partner. Are you home with the kids all day and DH works long hours OTH? Maybe DH feels like he doesn't see them enough. Guilt? So this is how he is making up for it. Wrong way if so, though. He is forcing you into the position of bad cop/ guy. Using your presence as a threat is really undermining your relationship with your DC. Congratulations that he gets to be their friend; someone has to be the adult. DH ought to be on your team, not working against you. IIWY, I would be putting on my boxing gloves preparing to go head to head. This is a battle you need to win.

LarsMal
09-29-2009, 11:11 AM
Wow. That sucks. It's like DH is your teenage son instead of your child-raising partner. Are you home with the kids all day and DH works long hours OTH? Maybe DH feels like he doesn't see them enough. Guilt? So this is how he is making up for it. Wrong way if so, though. He is forcing you into the position of bad cop/ guy. Using your presence as a threat is really undermining your relationship with your DC. Congratulations that he gets to be their friend; someone has to be the adult. DH ought to be on your team, not working against you. IIWY, I would be putting on my boxing gloves preparing to go head to head. This is a battle you need to win.

Yep, you pretty much nailed it on the head. Long hours, guilt, friend...that's him. He has also suggested that someone has to be the nice one because I'm just mean all the time. Thanks! It's that he gets home so late that by the time he walks in the door I am absolutely done! I am not mean and nasty to my kids all the time, but he just sees me worn down and exhausted at the end of the day and assumes that how I am all day long. Pisses me off.

Overall, he is a great father and husband. I don't want to make him out to be some bad guy, but this is our one major issue. Bedtime and using me as a threat. I would love to find some boxing gloves- or the big foam bats!

wendibird22
09-29-2009, 11:43 AM
What if DH and the kids got a designated allotment of playtime after dinner and up to bedtime (including jumping on the bed if that's what they want to do) after which he and they have to calm down and go to bed. Let them (DH and the kids) decide what time quiet time starts (within reason of course) and then make them stick to it. How I see it, is they are currently getting it now anyway and it's just driving you mad. So, the compromise is they get some fun time and you get some downtime while DH plays and a set bedtime that everyone agrees to and DH has to uphold. If you need to, set a timer.

I guess ultimately if this didn't work, I'd take ownership of bedtime back. I'd rather lose a bit of me time but have the peace of bedtime going as it should then stew every single night because DH can't be the adult and make it happen.

LarsMal
09-29-2009, 01:22 PM
What if DH and the kids got a designated allotment of playtime after dinner and up to bedtime (including jumping on the bed if that's what they want to do) after which he and they have to calm down and go to bed. Let them (DH and the kids) decide what time quiet time starts (within reason of course) and then make them stick to it. How I see it, is they are currently getting it now anyway and it's just driving you mad. So, the compromise is they get some fun time and you get some downtime while DH plays and a set bedtime that everyone agrees to and DH has to uphold. If you need to, set a timer.



I tried that a few weeks ago. It lasted a couple nights. I didn't set a time, though. Maybe I'll try that next. How ridiculous that my grown husband would need a timer to follow the "rules"!?!?!

saschalicks
09-29-2009, 02:27 PM
You need to have a serious talk to DH. Here's the thing. My mom was always the bad guy b/c my dad never wanted to *step up*. She says she hated it and totally regrets not being more forceful w/my father in his need to step up. My dad was always the easy going one and we went to him when we wanted stuff our way. For kids it's great, but for moms not so much. I think your DH needs to hear your perspective on this.

wendibird22
09-29-2009, 02:31 PM
I tried that a few weeks ago. It lasted a couple nights. I didn't set a time, though. Maybe I'll try that next. How ridiculous that my grown husband would need a timer to follow the "rules"!?!?!

Maybe if he sees you pull out the timer he'll be embarrassed/get a clue and finally put on his big boy pants and be the parent. But, worst case scenario, it could mean that neither you nor he needs to be the "bad guy" because that's what the timer is for.