Anyone else lose a long-time (22+ yrs) friendship over different "parenting styles"?

[sewarsh]

I'm not bitching, i'll admit it, i'm sad. My best friend of 22+ years just wrote me an email basically severing our friendship over different "parenting styles". I don't know if i'm more angry or upset. regardless of the situation, i can't believe she didn't even have the decency to call me to discuss.

she moved to atlanta and my kids and i have visited both last year adn this year. my kids are a little younger (2 1/2 & 6 mo) at the time adn her's were 5, 3 & 1. anyways, we were there for only 2 nights, but were definately ready to go. we definately parent differently, but i would never look down upon her parenting styles let alone break off a frienship becuase of differences. she said she's more comfortable with her new friends and they are much more open to different parenting styles. the whole thing is bizarre and i'm really just shocked.

i don't know what to do. i guess i'll just let it lie for a little, then decide later. this email came after i called her 3x, sent a bday card and emailed 2x, one of which i was basically begging her to call me, over a 6 month period. clearly at this point i knew she was mad about something, but she's always been the overly sensitive type who holds grudges so i didn't know what i did this time.

and to top it off, in the bday card i mailed her in july i told her my brother (who she's known her whole life also), lost another baby at 25 weeks. i mean, no matter how mad you are at me, don't you at least acknowledge it through email or ask about my brother and his wife. she knew how horrible it was when it happend the 1st time when she was 32 weeks prego. i'm really beside myself adn just plain sad.

[elektra]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I would feel really bad too. I wonder why she would do that? It sounds like you rarely even see her (only 2x per year?). I mean if I was spending tons of time with someone who I disagreed with about parenting, it would be understandable to have a desire to create some distance or break things off, but I think I could deal with 2 visits a year.
Maybe you spank and she doesn't and she doesn't want her kids to see that?

[Fairy]

I'm sorry that you've lost your friend. I was the severer of a very long-term friendship over parenting style a few years ago. The thing is that she doesn't know I severed the relationship, she thinks we just drifted apart. Which is really what happened. I didn't actively say we're done, I just let us drift. And to be fair, after a few attempts, so did she. Very amicable, no bad blood. But the truth is that i couldn't handle the way she parents. I don't want to get into specifics cuz I don't want to offend. To each his own, and the way she approached parenthood is her business. I, however, wanted no part of it. Sometimes, we reach impasses that cannot be crossed; they cannot be mended, and there is no compromise to be had. When it comes to our children, that's often the way it is.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, but don't dwell or you'll make yourself nuts. Put a period, explore new friendships, and surround yourself with the people that enrich and enhance you and your children.

[sste]

Your friend needs to "get a life" as they say. As long as neither one of you is witnessing the other abuse or neglect a child then who cares if you have different parenting styles? It is also bizarre to me because this period of intense parenting . . . it is a passing thing. Ten years from now when your kids are teenagers or fifteen years from now when they are out of the house is it really going to matter that each of you espoused a different philosophy of parenting? This seems so strange to me that I wonder if she has some other issue or issues in the friendship and has just kind of latched onto this one item as an excuse.

I know it is painful to have a friendship end.

[sewarsh]

thank you! just needed a vent. the differences in parenting aren't necessary for getting into on this board, but neither of us spank nor do either of us believe in that. it was about feeding and sleeping. again, at the end of the day, we all do the best we can. its frustrating and sad. bottom line is that she's always been a grudge holder who has gotten mad at me over stupid stuff for years...ive always just let it go b/c in the end its just not worth fighting.

[ha98ed14]

thank you! just needed a vent. the differences in parenting aren't necessary for getting into on this board, but neither of us spank nor do either of us believe in that. it was about feeding and sleeping. again, at the end of the day, we all do the best we can. its frustrating and sad. bottom line is that she's always been a grudge holder who has gotten mad at me over stupid stuff for years...ive always just let it go b/c in the end its just not worth fighting.

Ok, just 'cuz I LOOOVVEE to speculate (and show how ridiculous people are)... here are the choices

Breast feed v. bottle
Scheduled feeding v. On demand
Cry it out v. Nurse to sleep/ Other technique
Co-Sleeping v. Crib
Cloth v. Disposable
Vax v. No Vax or Selective Vax
Forward Facing v. Rear Facing
Potty Training v. Potty Learning
Daycare v. No daycare
Preschool v. No preschool
un-school/ homeschool/ private school/ public school
SAHM v. WOTH or WAHM


And do ANY of these have to do with how your friend interacts with YOU from 2 states away? Um, no. She's not feeding and diapering you, so you know she is the one with the problem and not you! (In case you were in any doubt.) :hug:

[Melaine]

I am also having a really hard time understanding how those possible differences could truly warrant ending a friendship so ruthlessly. OP, I'm really sorry because that has to be really sad for you.

[kijip]

I am also having a really hard time understanding how those possible differences could truly warrant ending a friendship so ruthlessly. OP, I'm really sorry because that has to be really sad for you.

:yeahthat:

Sounds like your "friend" needs to get a life. Seriously, I can't fathom cutting off ties with someone by sending them an email outlining why. That is something your therapist tells you to write and then to burn without sending. She missed the don't send it part. If she is willing to cut out a friend over sleep and feeding issues, then she really does not sound like very much of a friend.

[sidmand]

:hug:

It's hard when a longtime friendship ends. But if she's gotten mad at you for stupid stuff before...maybe in the long run it's good for you both to move on. You can find some good, supportive friends!

Hey, we're not IRL but we're all here!

[kijip]

I lost a very near and dear best friend, my maid of honor at my wedding who I met on the very first day of high school when we were both 14, because she was very pushy and mean about my trouble breastfeeding T (and she is not even a mom!) and because I realized as my life changed after T was born that I had been there for here every time she was in need, even if it put me out, and she was not close to reciprocating. So I just stopped interacting with her. No argument, just a new understanding that she and I were not the friends for each other. I miss her in some ways some times but honestly life is better now that I focus my energies on the friendships that give back and are reciprocal. I don't have the time or energy to try and be friends with someone that would be so harsh to a friend in need and push an agenda (she is very pro-breastfeeding) that did not mesh with the troubles we were having.

[Naranjadia]

it was about feeding and sleeping.

OP, I am really sorry. This must be rough. I think I would feel like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

I am so surprised it's about feeding and sleeping - if only because I have seen so much variance in those two areas amongst me and my friends and family members. Even my sister and I, who share ideas and advice, differ. If I could only be friends who shared parenting styles in those areas, I'd be spending most of the time conversing with the mirror.

[Melbel]

Wow, that is as bad as the SATC break up by post it note.

I recently posted about the loss of a 16 year BF after she started seriously dating a new guy. She really changed and started making bad decisions regarding her prescription medications and alcohol, and became an unempathatic, cold person who I no longer even recognized. We have not spoken in six months after 16 years of almost daily contact. I know first hand how heartbreaking it is when you feel blindsided. :hug: I still grieve the loss of my friend. It is also hard on my DC who were very close to her and her DC. In dealing with difficult family members, I often remind myself that I cannot control other's behavior. I cannot make good choices for them, or make them be kind and caring. What I can control is my own behavior and do my very best to take the high road. As I was well advised, do your best to move on and make room for new, more meaningful relationships.

[belovedgandp]

So sorry. That's really harsh and just simply silly on her part.

I haven't had it with children, but one of my closest friends for 20 years and I almost didn't make it through things about 15 years ago when we met the men we are now married to. We had a few very bad couple experiences together. We were fine when it was just three of us, but for some reason throw in the second guy and it was bad. My mom gave me very good advice that we would just need to remain "girl" friends and not "couple" friends. I have a few people I've met in my life as a mother that I do better at being "girl" friends with versus "mom" friends.

[kransden]

Ok, unless you are beating your child, which you said you don't spank, I really can't imagine why you would severe a friendship over parenting styles. Maybe not let them watch your kid, or drift away like Fairy said, but to actually tell you. She sounds like a drama queen.

ETA: I had a friend, and I was horrified by her total lack of parenting. There was no point in telling her that though.

[gatorsmom]

In answer to your question, yes- my parents lost their best friends over parenting differences. They were friends for life and when their kids came along, my parents didn't like the styles and antics of their friends. There were some arguments and words spoken. So for like 20+ years they didn't hang around together. I remember being in college and my mom saying that my dad wanted to try to call "Joe" but wasn't sure how it would go over. Slowly they rebuilt their friendship after all us kids were grown. They are now BEST of friends again. They all agree that the period of their lives when they were raising their kids were "crazy times." Parents do strange things in the best interest of their kids.

Don't lose too much sleep over it. I predict that you will be friends again in the future. Especially over something like this. :hug:

[Globetrotter]

Parenting differences can cause people to become less close, esp. during the early years, but not to this extent.

This situation sounds kind of dramatic to me, especially since it involves sleep and feeding :confused:. Do you think she is hormonal right now? I know I blame everything on hormones :) but I used to get upset over silly things back in those pg/nursing/baby days, though not to that extent.. I remember defending vbacs vehemently, but I've totally laid off now that it's a distant memory (and I had a repeat c/s in the end).

I visited a very good friend while she was pregnant, and a week later she sent me an email outlining how I had offended her by saying XY and Z. I truly had no clue but apologized... we are great friends now, so all is well.

I'm sorry, though. I've lost a couple of close friends and I know it is painful :(