Behavior issues in 3 yo - wwyd?

[fivi2]

The girls are 3y 9m and dd1 is really testing me these days! They are normally pretty good (just energetic) but lately she is in a really defiant stage. So what do you do when (for example):

dd1 throws food. I tell her no, make her pick it up. She sticks out her tongue or similar (very new). I usually send her to time out at that point. Or she just shuts down and grunts at me. Won't talk or interact.

Yesterday this was our biggie: Their school has a couple of gates we go through and then a very long path down to the parking area. I am holding all their stuff, getting dd2 out, shutting other gate. DD1 opens last gate (I yell Stop), she starts running down the hill. I am screaming for her to stop. She doesn't stop until I catch up with her about 2/3 of the way down. Now, I do think she was just goofing off and would not have run into the parking lot, but still, totally unacceptable. I really wanted to spank her for this (we don't spank). I didn't, but I did a lot of yelling and screaming. Made a few threats I am not proud of. I intend to make her wear her leash/harness the next few times we leave school (from when they were toddlers). But, what is the appropriate consequence for something like this?

It makes the situation worse that her twin is in a very compliant stage right now. So I feel like DD1 is always in trouble and her twin is always being praised. Which I think sets us up for this cycle of DD1 acting out in reaction - to set herself apart...

Sorry so long! Just wondering what people do in the above situations! What are appropriate consequences for this sort of defiance?

TIA!

[HIU8]

I don't have twins, but I do have a 28 month old who does the exact same thing. When she throws food she gets taken from the table and put in time out EVERY SINGLE TIME (this happens at dinner every night now).

Going into preschool she runs ahead (and she does this in supermarkets etc....). My solution has been that she must be strapped into a stroller. She hates this, and yes, it is punishment. I start out w/o the stroller. If she bolts I get her and into the stroller she goes. So far it's working b/c like I said, she hates the stroller unless she is tired.

Her big thing is "I don't like you anymore!!" and "NO" to everything when she does something that she knows will get her into trouble. I'm hoping this phase doesn't last long b/c DS (who is 2.5 yrs older) thinks it's funny. I think DD continues it b/c DS encourages her to (another issue we have to work on...)

[egoldber]

My solution has been that she must be strapped into a stroller.

This is what I was thinking as well. You have your hands full, and if she won't cooperate, then she has to ride in the stroller.

As far as the negative dynamic, I would try to find a way to make sure she gets positive attention. Try to have some special one on one time with her, "catch her" being good, etc. But 3 is such a hard age and two at once! :dizzy:

[fivi2]

Thanks for the ideas!

In the past I always used the stroller or the leashes, but it hadn't really been necessary for a while now. I thought they were finally growing up ;)

But it is a much better solution than my threat that she was never going back to school... :bag (I know, I know... I was pretty angry!)

The food thing is different from when she was little and played with her food. This is more "I don't like __" and then tossing it away in disgust. (including her favorite foods). They are told to try one bite and then leave it alone if they don't like it. But she gets mad and doesn't want the offending food on her plate... Grumble Grumble... I know it is a stage, I just get frustrated at the things that don't have a logical consequence...

The joys of 3 yos!

[HIU8]

DD does the food throwing when she is done eating. She says done and either tosses the entire plate on the floor or does it piece by piece. She also does the i don't like it thing, but will attempt to put it on our plate first before throwing it over her shoulder. I so cannot wait until this stage is over. I hate being the bad guy and putting her in time out every dinner.

[brittone2]

Prevent when you can for both of your sanity. If you think she'll toss food I'd put very little on her plate at a time. If she tosses it, I'd continue to have her help clean it up as you have been doing.

For running, IMO the best thing is prevention. I wouldn't phrase it punitively but would let DC know my job is to keep them safe. I will do that in whatever way is necessary. That means if you can't handle walking/waiting right next to me, I need to have you on a leash, harness, or in a stroller (and if younger, a sling). On a positive note I know some people on GCM suggest working on impulse control games like red light green light, Mother May I, etc. with kids who are runners.

I'd ignore the sticking out the tongue entirely. When being punished some kids do that out of embarrassment as strange as that sounds. I wouldn't give it any power...it would *totally* push my buttons (BTDT) but I'd just completely pretend I didn't see it as long as the food is getting picked up.

[fivi2]

I'd ignore the sticking out the tongue entirely. When being punished some kids do that out of embarrassment as strange as that sounds. I wouldn't give it any power...it would *totally* push my buttons (BTDT) but I'd just completely pretend I didn't see it as long as the food is getting picked up.


I do agree that it is embarrassment or something similar (deflection...?) It is just a new behavior that I don't want to encourage...

(backstory/context - we have a playgroup friend that imo does not discipline her son. He hits, fights, takes toys and she shrugs and says he is a boy and that is what they do. On the rare occasion she tells him to stop, he screams and hits her, etc. I REALLY REALLY don't want my dd1's behavior to turn into this! So that is why I have a hard time ignoring direct disrespect. Clearly we are a long way from that point, but I do not want to go there!)

But - we have had a good day so far today (knock on wood)!

Thanks for listening!

[brittone2]

I do agree that it is embarrassment or something similar (deflection...?) It is just a new behavior that I don't want to encourage...

(backstory/context - we have a playgroup friend that imo does not discipline her son. He hits, fights, takes toys and she shrugs and says he is a boy and that is what they do. On the rare occasion she tells him to stop, he screams and hits her, etc. I REALLY REALLY don't want my dd1's behavior to turn into this! So that is why I have a hard time ignoring direct disrespect. Clearly we are a long way from that point, but I do not want to go there!)

But - we have had a good day so far today (knock on wood)!

Thanks for listening!

I know it is hard to not worry that you are going to cause major issues by ignoring something, but honestly, for some behaviors I find it works the best to just not give it power in the first place (using inappropriate words/language, sticking out a tongue would be two I can think of).

In a 3 year old I would think of it as a progression. It takes some emotional maturity to not want to hit you, throw an enormous tantrum, etc. over picking up the food. Sticking out her tongue is sort of a progression toward emotional maturity in a way...she isn't physically having a major freakout meltdown, but she's 3, kwim? Making a big deal out of it probably gives it more power than it deserves.

I think there's a big difference between ignoring an undesirable behavior in a 3 year old vs. ignoring a child hitting, fighting, or stealing toys from another child, where someone else is being directly impacted and may be injured, etc. in the process.

I get it though...sticking a tongue out would totally push my buttons, but for us in the long run ignoring that type of fairly harmless (but annoying) behavior has worked best.

[egoldber]

I know it is hard to not worry that you are going to cause major issues by ignoring something, but honestly, for some behaviors I find it works the best to just not give it power in the first place (using inappropriate words/language, sticking out a tongue would be two I can think of

I agree. I think focusing too much on negative behaviors can give them a lot more power than they would if you ignored them and actually reinforces them.

And hitting another child is in completely different category.

[fivi2]

I definitely agree that hitting others is different, I just meant the way this child acts toward his mother on the rare occasion she tries to stop him... The disrespect. I see that and wonder how it got that way. I assume there had to be a slippery slope of some kind...

But, I totally agree with you guys. I am definitely letting it get to me, and that is giving it too much power. I will try ignoring this sort of thing for a while. They really are pretty good kids!

Thanks!

[brittone2]

I definitely agree that hitting others is different, I just meant the way this child acts toward his mother on the rare occasion she tries to stop him... The disrespect. I see that and wonder how it got that way. I assume there had to be a slippery slope of some kind...

But, I totally agree with you guys. I am definitely letting it get to me, and that is giving it too much power. I will try ignoring this sort of thing for a while. They really are pretty good kids!

Thanks!

Who knows, but I'm guessing mom doesn't enforce a lot of boundaries with this kid period, based on what you describe. Ignoring certain behaviors that are pretty harmless (and age appropriate, although not desirable) is very different from not enforcing boundaries and limits on the big issues (like not hurting others).

[hillview]

I ignore potty mouth. Tounge sticking out I'd ignore too or else I'd say something funny etc or do it back. WRT the running, I'd agree with PP stroller or she has to keep a hand on say the door of the car etc. If she runs or does something dangerous like that I think immediate yelling is appropriate. Also telling her how scared you were and what if you had not gotten to her and she had been injured etc.

With DS #1 who gets more negative attention due to his age vs DS #2 (well til recently) I try to compliment him a LOT about sitting nicely, asking nicely, sharing well etc. ALL THE TIME.

/hillary