Sibling Rivalry

[BabyMine]

When DS2 was born DS1 was fine with it. He even helped out and followed him everywhere. When DS2 started to walk DS1 started copying everything DS2 was doing. This included crying, being held when DS2 was held, playing the same game...ect you get the point. We do spend time with DS1 without DS2 but it doesn't seem to be making an impact on his behavior. The teachers have noticed that after DS2 was born DS1's behavior has declined. Is there something I am missing? He is even parroting problem children at school. Do I work on improving him independence? I am getting to the point that I don't want to be around DS1 anymore. I miss my original DS1.

[SammyeGail]

Hey! I'll send you a PM : ).

[BabyMine]

Anyone? I really need some help.

[gatorsmom]

I don't have any books to recommend and am not a psychologist. However, I'm guessing that your DS1 is still seeking attention from anyone he can get it from, even though you say you spend one-on-one time with him. Maybe this is his way of saying he needs more. I see that your DS1 is about the same age as my Cha Cha. ChaCha loves being given responsibilities. I ask him to take toys away from the twins that could hurt them (and then give him major praise for helping me so much), I ask him to bring me their shoes, fetch me a diaper and some wipes, reach a toy for the twins when I'm busy, etc. When Gator is not around, Cha Cha is my right hand man and he excels at it. Whenever a stranger comments on the twins I go on and on about what a great big brother they have. In fact, I put the emphasis on Cha Cha rather than the twins. Because at their age, the twins don't care and won't remember. But Cha Cha notices when he gets more attention. And it makes him behave like such a little mature man. :heartbeat:

I also talk to him all the time. I ask my older boys their opinions about things we see when driving, what they think about this or that, which song do they like better, which outfit looks better on me/Sisi/anyone, what should we have for dinner tonight, etc. And I really try to accommodate his ideas. Talking to him like an adult makes him behave so much better.

Not sure that helps, just some observations from my personal experiences. :)

[goldenpig]

Try the book Siblings without Rivalry. I haven't read it yet, but have read another book by the same author (How to Talk So your Kids Will Listen...) and am planning to get this one as we're expecting our 2nd soon.

http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0380799006/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2

[hillview]

It is really hard. I went to a therapist to talk about DS #1 a while ago. Here were some great points she made:
First realize DS 1's world has been turned upside down, he didn't ask for a DS 2 and it is totally different now
He is not used to sharing you
He is not used to someone else getting his stuff

Some things that worked well for us when DS #2 was 1: learning tower for DS 1 to do special things with me, special TV rights (only DS 1 is allowed a show in the pm), special food rights (1 year olds can't eat some things etc), special toys only DS 1 can have and a special place he can "safely" play (for us it was a gated off area or the learning tower).

Do a lot of 1:1 time, do a lot of discussing his feelings (it can be hard to have a baby brother and also sometimes a lot of fun, let's talk about the hard parts).

DS 1's behavior is a roller coaster and I wouldn't attribute declines to DS 2 100%. A lot of it is age related etc.

I suggest, "your 4-year old" (ames). I enjoyed "Siblings without rilvary" and it is more geared to older sibs IMO but it was interesting.

ETA: Also maybe some playdates?

GOOD LUCK!
/hillary

[egoldber]

IME, people expect sibling rivalry when the baby is first born, and that has not been the case for us. For us, it came when Amy was much older. When she got to be mobile was a big thing and then when she was old enough to start getting into Sarah's things, it got to be pretty ugly for awhile.

Some things I find myself doing that exacerbate the problems...

....making Sarah "give in" to Amy because she is older

...being over protective of the younger sibling

...not giving older sib enough time and attention

...unconsciously rewarding the behavior that I want to eliminate (with both kids)

[brittone2]

IME, people expect sibling rivalry when the baby is first born, and that has not been the case for us. For us, it came when Amy was much older. When she got to be mobile was a big thing and then when she was old enough to start getting into Sarah's things, it got to be pretty ugly for awhile.



Same here. We had a bit of an initial adjustment after DS realized the baby was a permanent fixture and the novelty wore off. However, once she became mobile...it was tough on him. She was an early-ish crawler, etc. too which didn't help. She would crawl over to investigate what he was playing with, etc. and he was terrified she'd knock down his blocks or destroy whatever item. At that point we instituted the rule that if you want to play with an item the baby can't have or you are going to freak out about if it gets damaged, knocked down, etc. you should do it in your room (this worked for us as my kids are almost 3 years apart). That's when DS first learned to play independently in his room away from us in the main living space. As she approached toddlerhood, walking, getting more curious, we had an uptick in the same issues again. Having a safe zone where he could go and not be disturbed by the baby was helpful for him.

I've read in the past it can be good to indulge the "baby" behaviors a bit. Swaddle the older DC up after a bath. Look through pictures or your oldest's baby book and talk about his babyhood with him. Some kids respond well to being the "big" sibling, but some kids do better if you avoid that baby since they may be craving *being* the baby, kwim? Also make it safe to talk about the changes in your family...let him know it is okay to not always like having a sibling around. It is a very normal reaction. Heck, having a 2nd child rocked my world a bit...I'm sure it is a time of major upheaval for a young child.

Definitely try for one on one time although I know it is hard.

:hug:

[BabyMine]

Thank you all for your input. It did get worse when DS2 became mobile. We do have a rule that if a toy is in the playroom then it is communal. If DS1 has something that he doesn't want to share then it goes in his room. I am going to start involving DS1 more in the caring of DS2. I am also going to see if the library has those books.




Some things I find myself doing that exacerbate the problems...

....making Sarah "give in" to Amy because she is older

...being over protective of the younger sibling

...not giving older sib enough time and attention

...unconsciously rewarding the behavior that I want to eliminate (with both kids)

This is exactly what we are doing. Time to change.

[hillview]

I've read in the past it can be good to indulge the "baby" behaviors a bit.

:yeahthat:

Play baby with DS 1 -- let him be the baby etc. TOTALLY agree!
/hillary