Do I Have "Stupid" Painted on My Forehead?

[katerinasmom]

On my 10th year wedding anniversary DH tells me he wants a separation. Out of the blue. No warning. No signs. I won't get into the details of why he says he needs out of our 20 year relationship or how he can't seem to recognize that marriage involves two people and not just one immature longing-for-his-college-bachelor-life man who thinks that he's the only one with needs. I won't get into all the details of how he told me that he's not in love with me anymore - over and over - and then proceeded to yell at me for crying about it. Or how he left me and then asked me for money to pay his credit card bill because he realized that he can't afford his lifestyle without my paycheck. I won't compare him to Jon Gosselin because the striking similarities will make me puke.

It's been about six weeks since he's moved into his parents basement and I've spent several of those weeks crying with my sister and my "sisters" over this and have finally just decided that for the sake of my children I am not fighting this anymore and am just going to do what I need to do to make sure that my girls get what they need both emotionally and financially. But I need to just vent about this morning's conversation.

For the last three years DH tells me that he cannot get the day after Thanksgiving off because his assistant has already put in for vacation. And despite his seniority and the sufficient advance notice he has about my need for him to take the day off which would allow him to put in for the vacation day way before his assistant puts in for it each year he has claimed an inability to get the day off. He knows that my sister and my mom and I traditionally go Christmas shopping every year and I really need him to watch the kids because it is "tradition" and I miss it. And this year when we are making our "parenting schedule" he again tells me he can't take the kids the day after Thanksgiving. This morning he tells me that he needs to switch parenting days so that he has the kids on the day after Thanksgiving but not the Saturday after. When I say fine (because I am determined not to just be difficult out of spite plus it works better for me - shopping yeah!) and ask him to take them by 6am so I can go on my traditional annual shopping excusion with my mother and sister he gives me a hard time because he doesn't know if he'll "be up to it so early" because he's "not sure what he'll be doing the night before". He thinks he'll be "hanging out" with his friends on Thanksgiving and may be going away for the weekend and that's why he needed to switch days. When I ask if he wouldn't mind if I just took the kids to visit my aunt for the weekend (with my mom) and he jumps at the chance to have all four days kid free he also asks me if we can get our separation agreement in place as soon as possible because he needs to get on with his life. When I ask who he's planning to go away with, he tells me just friends because I shouldn't worry - he's not going to start "dating" anyone until our separation agreement is signed. But then he proceeds to tell me that when he does start dating anyone I shouldn't be surprised if it turns out to be someone he knows from work because that's where "most of his socializing takes place because he's not a bar-hopping, club-going drinking kind of guy and he has a lot of female friends at work" and he doesn't want me to think that if he does date someone from work that she had anything to do with his leaving me.

I do not have "stupid" painted on my forehead. I checked! But thanks for the warning.

If you've read this far, thanks! I'm sure I missed a few details that would have made the above rant make more sense so I appreciate anyone who's leant this deeply hurt mama their "ear" for the last 10 minutes. I just needed to get it out and I feel bad constantly burdening my sister, my cousins and my best friend with this drama.

ETA: He just called me again to ask if I could watch the kids this Sunday which is scheduled to be his parenting time. He needs the day because he's going to a "Fall Social" on Saturday that is being organized by some people from work and will probably stay in the city at a friend's apartment instead of coming home Saturday night because he might want to attend a lecture that one of his colleagues is giving on Sunday. Again, I ask, do I have "stupid" painted on my forehead?

[Momit]

Sorry about what you're going through and hope it gets better soon.

[JenChem]

:hug:

That sucks! He sounds like he is in a really bad place and being very selfish and hurtful. Why wouldn't you be hurt and surprised? I can't think of any other appropriate reaction to his ridiculous behavior.

[BabyMine]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but what an a$$ to have said that to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. :hug:

[katerinasmom]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but what an a$$ to have said that to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. :hug:

I don't mind it. I'm thinking it. Thanks for "listening".

[fivi2]

I am so sorry.

[ha98ed14]

WOW. What a @#$%^&@#$!!! All I can say is I am so, so sorry and I hope you get a child support payment so large that he has to buy his work girlfriends their drinks from the McDonald's drive-thru. YOU are right, HE is wrong, and someday the whole world will know it. (((HUGS))).

P.S. If it helps to know, my mom was a single mom to two girls and we both turned out fairly well: master's degrees, good jobs and able to have healthy, emotionally attached relationships. If it doesn't help, please pretend I didn't say it. Wishing you a very large monthly check. :)

[frgsnlzrds]

:hug: It seems he's intent on making this as hard on you as possible. I think the pp's situation with the McDonald's drinks would make me feel much better. I hope something fabulous falls into your life soon.

[secchick]

I am so sorry that you are having to be in such a difficult and hurtful situation. In those sorts of situations, I always try to remember that the best revenge is living well. You have wonderful children and are a great caring parent to them and you have friends and family who love you. And now you are free of a jackass of a husband.

[becca_g]

No, you definitely do not have "stupid" painted on your forehead, but I'm pretty sure he does.

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this ...

[happymom]

:32:and :hug:

[ha98ed14]

I am so sorry that you are having to be in such a difficult and hurtful situation. In those sorts of situations, I always try to remember that the best revenge is living well. You have wonderful children and are a great caring parent to them and you have friends and family who love you. And now you are free of a jackass of a husband.

:yeahthat: Well said. :hug:

[MMMommy]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Mid-life crisis much for him? What irks me is that you and the children are the ones suffering from his new found need to play and have fun. I'm sorry you have to go through the emotional pain and suffering.

[ThreeofUs]

I'm so sorry. I hope you have the support you need to come out of this well. Sending P&PT your way.

[Naranjadia]

No, you definitely do not have "stupid" painted on your forehead, but I'm pretty sure he does.

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this ...

What she said! He sounds like he thinks he's being clever.

I am sorry, too, that you have to deal with him. I wonder if he's going to be this unpredictable, in terms of scheduling, in the future.

[stefani]

:grouphug: I am so sorry that you are going through this...

[sste]

So, I take it you are assuming (as I am) that he left because of a relationship with another woman from work - - a relationship he is trying to keep under wraps until the divorce settlement is sorted out.

This is a pet peeve of mine. If you are not happy in a relationship have the b*lls (male or female) to leave and take the risk of being alone. Don't sneak around and then when things are secure for you in another relationship walk out on your shocked spouse and children.

In your position, I would be meeting with my accountant and new divorce attorney to assure that nice monthly check . . .

[elephantmeg]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this!

[elektra]

Yes, it does sound appealing at times to consider taking a vacation from your life, shirking all responsibility, and moving to the city to party with your work friends? But hello, you have family, and children who are a priviledge, not an inconvenience to your new lifestyle! What a tool.
I am so sorry you have to put up with this garbage.

[hbridge]

First off lots of hugs. I have NO experience with this, but the first thing that crossed my mind was he's not putting parenting as a priority and you should be documenting all these phone calls and requests for changes. You may never need them, but if things turn nasty, especially with custody, his fickleness may help your case.

I know, what a terrible thing to think as you are going through this! But it's obvious that it's all about him right now and you need to protect yourself and your little one's.

Sending you good vibes and happy shopping...

[edurnemk]

I'm really sorry he's being such a jerk. And that he's sacrificing time with the girls to party... that's terrible.

:hug:

[KathyN115]

So sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time.

[katerinasmom]

Thank you everyone for the support, advice and hugs.

[saschalicks]

You know what I love about all of this: that he's being such a fantastic father amidst it all. I mean he's really putting his children's needs before his own needs. {major sarcasm here}

But seriously, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Remember you are the lucky one in the end b/c you get that jerk out of your life.

Go find the best attorney your money can buy. The days of you making his life easier are OVER!

[niccig]

No, you definitely do not have "stupid" painted on your forehead, but I'm pretty sure he does.


:yeahthat:

I know it doesn't help, but if he's this much of a jacka$$, you and your girls will be better off. :hug: and come here to vent anytime. It feels good to get it out...And the 2nd the advice about getting a good attorney. Put your girls well being first and get what you need for them.

[mommylamb]

First off lots of hugs. I have NO experience with this, but the first thing that crossed my mind was he's not putting parenting as a priority and you should be documenting all these phone calls and requests for changes. You may never need them, but if things turn nasty, especially with custody, his fickleness may help your case.


:yeahthat: This guy sounds like he wants no responsibility whatsoever when it comes to the kids. I am so sorry... what a jerk!!

[tiapam]

WOW. Does he think he is going to be able to have a bachelor type lifestyle when he has kids? I hope someone reminds him soon that he won't get a second chance to watch his kids grow up. Don't forget to get yourself a present when you go on that shopping trip. Being good to yourself will get you through the worst of times.

[citymama]

UGH! I am so so sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like there was just one grown-up in the relationship. I hope you have a good attorney and a good therapist to count on during this time. Nothing like the support of good friends or family, but you'll really need that ace attorney to protect you, your kids, and your finances from your ex. Hugs, and hang in there. :hug:

[TwinFoxes]

First off lots of hugs. I have NO experience with this, but the first thing that crossed my mind was he's not putting parenting as a priority and you should be documenting all these phone calls and requests for changes. You may never need them, but if things turn nasty, especially with custody, his fickleness may help your case.

I know, what a terrible thing to think as you are going through this! But it's obvious that it's all about him right now and you need to protect yourself and your little one's.

Sending you good vibes and happy shopping...
:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:!!!!

I was going to post the exact same thing. It is ON, and you have to make sure you and your daughters come out on top.

Oh, and a :yeahthat: to whoever called him a tool.

[Momof3Labs]

Does he wear glasses? Because I think that he may have "stupid" written on the glasses, and it appears on the forehead of everyone he looks at.

What a piece of work.

[tylersmama]

:hug:

BTDT, in many ways. It sucks. Take comfort in the fact that you are a mature, responsible adult and that you are a good mother and that you are going to come out of this whole ordeal as a wiser, stronger person. It's his loss. It really is. It sucks that you're the one who has to deal with the mess, but just remember that what goes around comes around. It sounds like you need to get your agreement finalized as soon as you can just so you have something to back you up when it comes to him trying to switch things around.

Hang in there. It sounds trite, but it really does get better, I swear.

[Melbel]

:yeahthat:

I know it doesn't help, but if he's this much of a jacka$$, you and your girls will be better off. :hug: and come here to vent anytime. It feels good to get it out...And the 2nd the advice about getting a good attorney. Put your girls well being first and get what you need for them.
:yeahthat:

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I would definitely get a good lawyer before signing any agreements. I do not like the fact that he is trying to rush the process and obviously do not trust him to do the right thing. More :grouphug:,

[buddyleebaby]

Hug hugs, Mama. His comment makes *me* want to scream.

[mamicka]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[purpleeyes]

:hug:

BTDT, in many ways. It sucks. Take comfort in the fact that you are a mature, responsible adult and that you are a good mother and that you are going to come out of this whole ordeal as a wiser, stronger person. It's his loss. It really is. It sucks that you're the one who has to deal with the mess, but just remember that what goes around comes around. It sounds like you need to get your agreement finalized as soon as you can just so you have something to back you up when it comes to him trying to switch things around.

Hang in there. It sounds trite, but it really does get better, I swear.

:yeahthat: and lots and lots of :22:

Come here to vent anytime!

[stella]

Oh. My. God.
I hope you are documenting all this crap.
And may I refer you to my new favorite website: survivinginfidelity.com
You are on the right track with putting yourself and your girls first. Good job!
And big hugs. We are separated and moving toward the big D, so if you ever need to chat, I am available. (((Hugs))) He's an idiot.

[KpbS]

UGH! I am so so sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like there was just one grown-up in the relationship. I hope you have a good attorney and a good therapist to count on during this time. Nothing like the support of good friends or family, but you'll really need that ace attorney to protect you, your kids, and your finances from your ex. Hugs, and hang in there. :hug:

Yes--this. Get a good therapist and a great attorney and document everything. You don't have to "fight" w/ him in conversations about things/plans/DC let your attorney do it all. Every time you hit a snag in dealing w/ him just remind yourself that it is no longer your problem--it's your attorney's problem and let that weight go off your shoulders.

So sorry and big ((((hugs)))) :hug:

[wencit]

:hug:

Sending you lots of hugs and strength, mama! What a jerk he is!

[JCat]

Chiming in late here! It sounds like you're a LOT smarter than he is. He sucks for being such a jerkoff!!!