Talk to me about sibling rivalry...

[ThreeofUs]

...in particular, whether a big brother might react with anger and babytalk at his parents whenever they give attention to his little brother, or might try to use bad behavior to get attention.

I posted about my DS1's problems, and have taken the replies to heart and started researching different possibilities. We're working on getting him more sleep, but these two patterns stand out to me.

So, tell me if you can: how does this work? And, of course, what can I do - if only about these possibilities - to help my DS1 move forward?

Let me add, before anyone asks, DH and I do our very best to have concentrated, positive alone time with DS1 every day and we try to ensure he knows he is loved and wanted at all times - even when we have to say "no" or stop certain behaviors.

Thanks!

[BabyMine]

I have sorta the same problem. These are the answers I got.

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=337022

We put DS2 to bed early tonight to talk to DS1. He told us that he wants more attention from just me. I was floored but it all made sense.

I hope my thread helps.

[DrSally]

...in particular, whether a big brother might react with anger and babytalk at his parents whenever they give attention to his little brother, or might try to use bad behavior to get attention.


Thanks!

Yes. The babytalk could be a "regression" that may be either a reaction to stress or an attempt regain his "position" as baby (or both). If you see it a lot when you're giving attention to DS, then it might likely jealousy. I wouldn't label it sib rivarly, per se. One tactic I can think of is to involve him in the care of DS, "being a special helper". Another is make a point of once and awhile, saying to younger DS so DS1 can hear, "DS2, I can't do xyz for you right now b/c I'm helping DS1". I got this tip from my LLL meeting and I thought it was brilliant. You can do it no matter how young DC2 is, b/c the important thing is that DC1 hears it and realizes you put him first at times and maybe he'll have an easier time with waiting his turn in the future.

[egoldber]

...in particular, whether a big brother might react with anger and babytalk at his parents whenever they give attention to his little brother, or might try to use bad behavior to get attention.

I think this is pretty classic sibling rivalry.

In the other thread, I mentioned a few things that I was doing that exacerbated things:

....making Sarah "give in" to Amy because she is older

...being over protective of the younger sibling (letting them work it out between themselves aslong as no one is getting hurt seems to work the best)

...not giving older sib enough time and attention

...unconsciously rewarding the behavior that I want to eliminate (with both kids) even when the "reward" was negative attention

Another thing I think is really important is giving the older sibling the words to say what they are feeling and making sure they feel safe in expressing those feelings. They may be jealous, they may not always love their sibling and they may wish at times that the sibling had never been born. These are normal and natural feelings. Making sure they feel safe at being able to say these things is important for them being able to work through those feelings.

[hillview]

Yes sounds like a normal situation with 2 kids. I think you should indulge the baby behavior in older DC a little. Play baby etc. I think talking about the angry feelings (they are alarming for kids IMO) and what DC can do when he feels angry (I let mine throw a sippy cup). I think it is impt to know this is NORMAL and to try to help DS 1 sort through this is hard but necessary. WRT bad behavior I think determining what is allowed and what isn't and then being consistant is key. My DS 1 hits DS 2 he gets an immediate standard response.

Good luck!
/hillary

[ThreeofUs]

Thanks, everyone - and for the link, Jenn. (I searched but must have missed your post.) Does this ever go away, or will DS1 be resentful of DS2 forever?

[DrSally]

Another thing I think is really important is giving the older sibling the words to say what they are feeling and making sure they feel safe in expressing those feelings. They may be jealous, they may not always love their sibling and they may wish at times that the sibling had never been born. These are normal and natural feelings. Making sure they feel safe at being able to say these things is important for them being able to work through those feelings.

Very good point. If the feelings can't be expressed, they get put into "action".

[DrSally]

Thanks, everyone - and for the link, Jenn. (I searched but must have missed your post.) Does this ever go away, or will DS1 be resentful of DS2 forever?

I think most people will tell you it comes and goes. My SIL had an awesome relationship with her brother (now deceased) as a children and adults. I was so surprised to learn there was a period in HS when they wouldn't even talk to each other and referred to each other as "it"!

[BabyMine]

Thanks, everyone - and for the link, Jenn. (I searched but must have missed your post.) Does this ever go away, or will DS1 be resentful of DS2 forever?

I have this same fear because my older sister hasn't outgrown this. She is almost 40 and she still fights for my mother's attention. I talked with the owner/friend of DS1's school about this. She has 3 boys. She said the good thing about boys is they don't hold grudges and they get over things faster. She had the same problem with her DC but they outgrew it and are very close now. I talked to DH last night and we have decided that he needs to spend more time with DS2 while I focus more on DS1. I hope this works. I will let you know if we find something that works.

[lizzywednesday]

Thanks, everyone - and for the link, Jenn. (I searched but must have missed your post.) Does this ever go away, or will DS1 be resentful of DS2 forever?

I still remember very clearly being p.o.'d at MY friend who came to play with ME but all she wanted to do was talk about "baby Gerald" until I flipped out on her and told her that (1) His name was GERALD and not "baby Gerald" and (2) She's MY friend and here to play with ME and (3) Babies really aren't that interesting, which probably hurt her the most because she's an only child.

(I was 3 and a half at the time. I'm now 31. Please also bear in mind that I have 2 other younger sibs for whom the "rivalry" was not as intense.)

However, despite having our differences and, yes, sometimes beating the living heck out of each other, we get along really well now!

It really took me going off to college for us to begin to appreciate each other and we didn't really re-connect on an adult level until he'd graduated from high school and started college himself.