UPDATED: Quick! How to deal with best friend

[Reyadawnbringer]

DS's first birthday party is set up for the 24th this month. I am sending out invitations today to friends and family. We are trying to keep the party SMALL for two reasons: 1)we don't want DS to be overwhelmed by all the people and 2) we are hosting the party in our apartment and so we have limited space.

The problem is that I invited my best friend and her kids (from slighly out of town). She was very excited and replied that she and the kids would be free that weekend and they would all be there. Except the way she said it, she made it sound like her and her new boyfriend would come and the kids just happened to be tagging along. Now- I have nothing against my friends new boyfriend- I am happy for her! Its just that... I have never met him and well, I don't want my energy to be focused on meeting my best friends new boyfriend rather than my son's first birthday. Also, we are only inviting CLOSE family and friends- so most of DH's family is being left out (his family can easily top 50+ people when invited), so I don't want there to be weirdness that my best friend brought her very new boyfriend (like 2 month relationship), but we didn't invite DH's grandma/grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins.

I don't feel like I am being unreasonable... I am actually annoyed that my BFF assumed she could bring her boyfriend without asking. Am I being unreasonable??? If not, how do I break it to her that her new fling is not invited?

TIA!

[sste]

Not inviting a boyfriend to an event can be VERY damaging to a relationship. A friend of mine literally ended several friendships when she told some friends they could not bring their boyfriends to her wedding. People take it as a judgment about their relationship and when they are going to a wedding/baby/child event I think there is an especially strong drive not to show up alone.

Just ask them to come an hour early to help set up. That way you can meet the new boyfriend and conscript them into labor!

[TwinFoxes]

Probably not what you want to hear, but I'd just let her bring him. It's not like a wedding where you're paying $70 for his plate. I think going to her now and telling her he can't come will seem like you're disinviting him. And like pp said, that can damage your relationship. I wouldn't worry about having to focus your energy on your BFs boyfriend. He's an adult. Say hi, and chat to him as little or as much as you can. I like the coming early idea too.

ETA: I do understand your annoyance, but I think this is one of those things you should let slide for the sake of the friendship.

[mommylamb]

I agree. I'd let your friend know that you know you'll be busy, so you want another opportunity soon to actually get to know him. But, it would be really awkward to uninvite him. And, if your DH's family is going to be upset tht your BF's boyfriend will be there and not them, I'm guessing they'd also be upset that your BF would be there and you didn't invite them.

[Melaine]

I think it's reasonable that you be annoyed she assumed he could come. I would be frustrated too and probably want to tell her not to bring him. I do think doing so would be rude though, so I'd probably just suck it up. I agree with pp that I don't think meeting someone new should change the focus of your party and you don't need to do much more for him besides greet him politely.

[Reyadawnbringer]

I see what you all are saying about it being awkward and possibly rude to uninvite him, but- I didn't invite him to begin with. She invited him...

It kinda makes me uncomfortable... ugh, I don't even know how to explain it. She has been attached to this guy since they first met. I have been trying to get together with her and she is always busy with him. I just wanted something where I could enjoy my friend and her kid's company without meeting the new boyfriend. They haven't been dating that long and this is along the same lines of her inviting him to stay at my house with her for a visit... I invited her to come to our house and visit for a few days during the summer since her not-even-ex-husband-yet had the kids. She exclaimed happily that her and her boyfriend would be more than happy to come and stay at our house... at this point I didn't even really know she had a "serious" boyfriend. I had only heard that she was dating.

I also know nothing about him and don't need someone at my house being wildly inappropriate with close family there.

UGH! I am so frustrated that she is putting me in this position... if I tell her the boyfriend can't come- then I look like a b$tch... if I let him come- then I risk feeling uncomfortable the whole party...

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Probably not what you want to hear, but I'd just let her bring him. It's not like a wedding where you're paying $70 for his plate. I think going to her now and telling her he can't come will seem like you're disinviting him. And like pp said, that can damage your relationship. I wouldn't worry about having to focus your energy on your BFs boyfriend. He's an adult. Say hi, and chat to him as little or as much as you can. I like the coming early idea too.

ETA: I do understand your annoyance, but I think this is one of those things you should let slide for the sake of the friendship.

:yeahthat:
i agree. i don't see anything wrong with your BF is doing, it's not like this is a wedding or some other formal event.

and re: your DH's family, if they get upset, it's their problem. it would be very childish for them to be upset over this IMO. it's standard etiquette that when you invite guests to a party you can't really exclude boyfriends/spouses/significant others. for example if my friend invited me & my kids to her child's birthday party, i would assume my husband was invited as well. if i told her my husband was coming too, and she said "oh sorry he's not invited", it would be extremely awkward and i would be offended to say the least.

[geochick]

Sorry, but I think you should let him come - how important is your friendship? Don't spend more energy on him than, "Hey, how are you. I'm kinda busy here today, but I'd love to get to know you better another time. Thanks for coming."

If someone asks why he was invited and cousin Sue wasn't, explain that your friend brought him uninvited. Easy.

[TwinFoxes]

Does she have a history of dating guys who would be wildly inappropriate? If so, or if for some reason you really think he might be that type of guy, can you meet him before the party? Is there time to meet them for dinner, or have them over?

I think we all get that she invited him, but since you didn't say he couldn't come at the time, we think it would be hard to say he can't come now. It sucks when friends latch on to new boyfriends, but just remember the honeymoon phase won't last forever! I hope it works out and you have a nice party for DS :)

[Reyadawnbringer]

ok, well... looks like I am just going to have to let him come. I will try not to be bitter about it. She IS my best friend, so w/e makes her happy I guess.

For the record- it may be proper ettiquete to allow a +1 to come to the party, but I would NEVER presume that I could bring a guy I had only been seeing for a month or two without asking first.

[AnnieW625]

I would let her bring the boyfriend. I would also at least include DH's grandparents, esp. if yours are also included. We have a pretty large extended family and none of the great great aunts and uncles have ever complained about not being invited to one of DD's birthday parties. Old people will surely understand.

[geochick]

For the record- it may be proper ettiquete to allow a +1 to come to the party, but I would NEVER presume that I could bring a guy I had only been seeing for a month or two without asking first.

I'm with you, but some people have no manners or tact. Have a fun party, and don't focus on this much longer.

[BabyMine]

I know that you want to spend time with your BFF. If you invite them to help set up find out what his interests are then find one of your friends who have the same interests. That way he can talk to someone while you can steal a few momments with just your BFF. Some people come in packages. I know my husband and I do. Is it that you don't want him to be there or are you upset that you haven't had any one on one time with your friend in awhile?

[Reyadawnbringer]

My grandparents won't be there as they all live outta state.

We are inviting:
DH parents (both sets, as his parents are divorced and remarried)
My parents (who have to bring my two younger siblings)
DS's Godparents (not likely to come because they live 4 hours away and have a baby shower the next day.
DH's bro (plus bro's wife and kid)
My BFF (and her three kids, plus now the BF apparently)

With all those people we are already at 18 people- not including myself and DH. If we invite DH's grandparents they will almost certainly show up late (they always do to every function) and stay late (they have no regard for other people's schedules) AND bring more uninvited people- i.e. DH's aunts and uncles and cousins... His Grandparents ALWAYS do this- they did it at our baby shower, wedding, birthday celebrations at other times and I literally DO NOT have the space for it. We only have a small apartment with 1000 sf and so are already pushing it with everyone else there...

[Reyadawnbringer]

I know that you want to spend time with your BFF. If you invite them to help set up find out what his interests are then find one of your friends who have the same interests. That way he can talk to someone while you can steal a few momments with just your BFF. Some people come in packages. I know my husband and I do. Is it that you don't want him to be there or are you upset that you haven't had any one on one time with your friend in awhile?

I don't know... I guess its a little bit of both. I really am worried about space and what family will think of this unknown guy... everyone pretty much knows each other so he will be the unknown.

Also, I miss my best friend. I am upset that everytime I try to get together with her she is attached at the hip to new BF.

[mommylamb]

Maybe you could say something to her like:

"Are you sure he would want to come to a birthday party for a 1 year old he's never met before?"

[BabyMine]

I don't know... I guess its a little bit of both. I really am worried about space and what family will think of this unknown guy... everyone pretty much knows each other so he will be the unknown.

Also, I miss my best friend. I am upset that everytime I try to get together with her she is attached at the hip to new BF.

One of my friends had this problem with me. Everywhere I went so did my DH. She finally called me and asked if we could have a girls day out. During luch we both had fun and promised to do girls day more often. Why not try that and meet in the middle somewhere?

[wellyes]

So she is a single mother with 3 kids coming from out of town? Maybe she invited him in part because it is so much easier logically if there are 2 grownups. I wouldn't begrudge a single mom a hand when travelling to a birthday party!

[Fairy]

I think it's completely piggy to bring along a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to something they were not invited to. Not every event has to be attended by the significant other. If it was a long term boyfriend or fiance, I might say, ya know, let it go. But a brand new person you've never met to a birthday party for your baby? This is a very special day for you and your family, you want to share it with only those close to you.

I know that there are alot of people out there who think it's wrong to not allow a 'date' to come to a wedding or a party. But really, who is paying for all this, who is this all about, what do you want be feeling emotionally? This is a family event. Your friend should be there for you, and assuming her uninvited BF is ok to bring is her being there for her. So, if it's important to you, and it sounds like it is, then I would say, I have to ask you something that might make you mad, but I hope you'll understand. I want to meet your BF, but I prefer you do not bring him to the party, and this is why. I'd like to set up a different time to meet and all go out, kid-free, but this is a very important day for our family,and we want just family and best friends. And if she balks, well then, she does.

*alot* of people disagree with me. I know. But this is my position on this.

[Fairy]

Also let me add, spouses shoudl always be included. Long term boyfriends probably should, too, depending on the dynamic. But brand new BF? Nah.

[jjjo1112]

As an adult, I would assume that any invitation to my family(not just me personally) would be extended to the person I was calling my boyfriend.
ETA: It sounds like you guys should set up some sort of girl's night or lunch to get some extra quality time in. I'm sure if you tell your friend your missing her and want to spend some time together, she would be happy to do that. OTOH, if you try to get some time with her by disinviting the boyfriend or making an issue out of it, you may end up losing the friendship.
Jackie

[Fairy]

As an adult, I would assume that any invitation to my family(not just me personally) would be extended to the person I was calling my boyfriend.

This is interesting. Why is this? I'm not being snarky! I am genuinely interested in this POV. The way I've been raised and in my view, a person is an individual first, and a couple second. If I'm married, then yes, that's a married couple, a 2-unit family (till kids makes it more units), and then you'd assume them together for family functions or other events. But as a single person, why is a boyfriend entitled to go to family and other events when I'm the only one being invited? They're just a boyfriend and not an extension of me as an individual. Especially a new boyfriend. I just do not see that connection, and i have never understood why they should get tacit inclusion. How are they different from my friend down the street? For instance, I love my friend down the street, we are very close, I love doing everything with her. And I feel the same way about my boyfriend. Only difference is I sleep with my boyfriend. So, why does the boyfriend get entitlement but the best friend down the street does not.

I'd be very interested in hearing this POV.

[sste]

But Fairy, it sounds (if I am reading correctly) that you feel differently about boyfriends versus husbands? Why doesn't everything you wrote apply to husbands? From your previous post it sounded like you thought husbands should always be invited.

This is the reason I think people go apesh*t when you don't invite their boyfriend. They think the host is judging their relationship as less significant than a marital relationship. This is a particularly sore point for people who don't believe in legal marriage or, conversely, who very much want to be married!

[Reyadawnbringer]

Well see here is where I think it is different- at least for me. If it was her husband or long time boyfriend/partner, then he would be invited. A boyfriend that she met over eharmony 2 months ago... not so much.

I am sorry if this pisses people off but this is where I stand. Thanks Fairy for having my back on this issue- i was starting to think I was a crappy friend for even thinking it.

[Fairy]

But Fairy, it sounds (if I am reading correctly) that you feel differently about boyfriends versus husbands? Why doesn't everything you wrote apply to husbands? From your previous post it sounded like you thought husbands should always be invited.

This is the reason I think people go apesh*t when you don't invite their boyfriend. They think the host is judging their relationship as less significant than a marital relationship. This is a particularly sore point for people who don't believe in legal marriage or, conversely, who very much want to be married!

Yeah, it's what Raydawn said, really. I think that husbands are definitely different from boyfriends, because their relationship is less significant. And I am absolutely not at all talking about the people you're referencing who simply don't get married to their long term boyfriend for whatever reason. Or are living together. It's about just a boyfriend. Now these things are really subjective, so that person's 2-year boyfriend may not compare relationshipwise with that one's 2-year boyfriend, so you take it case by case. But generally speaking, a non-committed relationship SO, I'm not on board with tacitly including. If I have a 1yr bday party for my DS, and I invite my friend Jane who is single and not dating, I'd assume she's be coming for me and my DS; if that same Jane has a boyfriend, why would her reason for coming change? If she's still coming for me and my DS then why does she need the BF? I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well ...

[motherofone]

Although it would have been proper for your bf to ask if it was ok to bring a date, I don't think you should say anything at this point. I notice from your guest list that every adult is paired-maybe bringing this dude makes her feel more like she too is paired.

[saschalicks]

I think what bothers me the most on this issue is that your BFF didn't ask if she could bring BF. I just can't imagine assuming that someone was invited. I'm married and have asked if DH was invited.

I think for the sake of the friendship you're better off not saying anything, although like you I'd be one who would be festering this all through the party b/c I'm annoyed.

I'm one of those people that thinks a BF is OK at other events, if you ask and it's OK w/the party thrower. I do not feel that way about big events though. If the name wasn't on the invite then they aren't invited.

[jjjo1112]

I think if your friend was single with no children involved and you sent an invitiation addressed to just her-things would be different. If an invitation was addressed to myself alone-I would assume that only I was invited.
OTOH, if something was addressed to my family-I would assume that my family was invited and if my boyfriend was part of what I considered my family-he would be with me.
How would you address an invitation that invited your friend, her children and her boyfriend? Would you specifically put everyone's names on the invite? I don't think there is a way to tactfully make it known on an invitation that her boyfriend is not invited.
Also from the previous post-you had this same issue with your friend over the summer. Maybe she considers her relationship more serious than you view it? I feel like as people get older, relationships can get more serious quickly!
Jackie




This is interesting. Why is this? I'm not being snarky! I am genuinely interested in this POV. The way I've been raised and in my view, a person is an individual first, and a couple second. If I'm married, then yes, that's a married couple, a 2-unit family (till kids makes it more units), and then you'd assume them together for family functions or other events. But as a single person, why is a boyfriend entitled to go to family and other events when I'm the only one being invited? They're just a boyfriend and not an extension of me as an individual. Especially a new boyfriend. I just do not see that connection, and i have never understood why they should get tacit inclusion. How are they different from my friend down the street? For instance, I love my friend down the street, we are very close, I love doing everything with her. And I feel the same way about my boyfriend. Only difference is I sleep with my boyfriend. So, why does the boyfriend get entitlement but the best friend down the street does not.

I'd be very interested in hearing this POV.

[AbbysMom]

Hmm. To answer Fairy: I'm very married too long for this to have been an issue for me but if I invited a single friend to my DC's birthday party and she had a boyfriend, new or old, I would have no problem with him coming especially if it was a family party where she was only 1 or 2 of my friends invited. I would assume that she would be happy to have him there, it would make it a funner party for her, I would be glad to meet or hang out with him, and one more person at a party doesn't affect my bottom line in terms of party planning, food etc. I would hope that she'd understand that I really wouldn't speak much to him but since I can't speak much to anyone at my parties, I'd be glad to know she was comfortable. Yes, my friend would be there to celebrate with me and my dc, but why would she have to come alone to do that? If her boyfriend is important enough to be brought around to her friends and families houses, I'd assume it was a significant relationship to her and I'd like to know him for her sake.

[Reyadawnbringer]

Well I hadn't written and sent the invitation yet. The invitations just arrived from mail order today so I am furiously filling them out and sending them today. The "invite" she has received so far was an email letting her know in advance that we are having a party and would love for her to be there. This is what I wrote in the email:

"Hey J! I was just wondering if you had plans for october 24? I am wondering because I am throwing X's first birthday party that day and we would love for you to be there. Can you give me your new address so that I can send you an invitation?"

See at this point I didn't even think her kids would be there because they live with her soon to be ex husband. I literally was inviting JUST HER. Here is her reply to that email:

"YES!!! OF COURSE WE'LL COME!! and I'll have the kiddos that weekend so I'll bring them along. I'll call you tomorrow! Love ya!!"

Now, I am totally ok with her bringing the kids, DS gets along well with them and we are all very close. Plus I would never ask my friend to come without her kids when she actually has them for the weekend. But, to just randomly include the new BF also? Frustrating. I guess at this point when I send out the invite today I will have to put "J and Family" and just realize that she is going to lump new BF in with that invite...

[Fairy]

One thing you can do is just reply to that email and say, "when you say "we," you mean just you and the kids, right? I'd rather meet BF for the first time in a more one-on-one situation when I can give him my undivided attention! So, let's set someting up for next week maybe." Very direct and gets your point across. Another thing you can do is put address it like this:

Jane Smith (and the kids, too!)
123 Sesame Street
NY, NY 10019

That would get the point across, too. That makes it very very clear. She may not get it anyway or might get it and brign him anyway. But it's something, at least.

Chelle, you do what you feel you have to do. You know the dynamic of your relationship with your BFF. If you need to let it happen, then just go with it, ensure he's not in pictures you don't want him to be in (by actively asking him to step out if it comes to that, tho I'll bet it won't), and just focus on your party. I do feel bad that you have to make a concession that is based on someone else committing a faux pas (IMO). But ya know what, you're gonna have your baby's first bday party, it's gonna be a happy bittersweet day, and there's gonna be cake. Cake solves everything.

[Reyadawnbringer]

Fairy,
Thanks so much for your support. I feel like you totally get me on this one.

I am not sure how my friend would feel about me excluding her BF- so I guess I need to sit and think about that and how I would feel if I just conceded and let him come anyway.

Thanks a ton.

[TwinFoxes]

After reading your subsequent post with the actual emails, I'm not sure she even meant "we" meaning her and new beau. I think she meant her and the kids. It is a little ambiguous.

I'm not one of those "if I go my boyfriend goes" people. And if she did mean to include new boyfriend in "we", she's in the wrong. But this is the type of thing that to me seems better to let go, rather than to risk offending a best friend over.

[Reyadawnbringer]

I just thought I would post an update to this-

BFF brought new BF and he was super sweet. He cleaned up after all the kids, ran out for emergency ice, and helped hang up decorations.

I was wrong to be worried about him and I am glad that I just let the issue go like you all suggested.

I will post a full update about how the party went a little later.

But thanks everyone for your help!

[niccig]

I just thought I would post an update to this-

BFF brought new BF and he was super sweet. He cleaned up after all the kids, ran out for emergency ice, and helped hang up decorations.

I was wrong to be worried about him and I am glad that I just let the issue go like you all suggested.

I will post a full update about how the party went a little later.

But thanks everyone for your help!

Glad the party went well. Sounds like your friend's new BF is a nice guy. Anyone that helps clean up after kids gets bonus points.

[MamaMolly]

deleted because it was out of date and not important! :)

[Melaine]

Glad it went so well!

[Fairy]

I'm so glad it went well! Ya know, tho, I don't think you were wrong to be concerned. You had every right to say, it's my party, this is what I want, etc. However, that it turned out so well? EXCELLENT. It's so great when these things work themselves out!

[karenj2]

I'm glad to read that it went well... I did have one minor thought to bring up...


When DH and I started dating - we had only been dating three months when we knew we wanted to get married :heartbeat: but we dated a year before getting engaged because we knew family would think we were nuts. So you could have a very serious relationship even at two months! (A crazy side note - one month before we got engaged, my HS had our 5th HS reunion, and the invite said "unless you are married, your SO is not allowed to come." I thought that was incredibly rude - as did quite a few others - and didn't attend.)

Anyway, I'm glad he's a nice guy!

[Fairy]

I'm glad to read that it went well... I did have one minor thought to bring up...


When DH and I started dating - we had only been dating three months when we knew we wanted to get married :heartbeat: but we dated a year before getting engaged because we knew family would think we were nuts. So you could have a very serious relationship even at two months! (A crazy side note - one month before we got engaged, my HS had our 5th HS reunion, and the invite said "unless you are married, your SO is not allowed to come." I thought that was incredibly rude - as did quite a few others - and didn't attend.)

Anyway, I'm glad he's a nice guy!

That was a really tactless way to do it. We did a flavor of that same thing, but not in any way did we phrase it this way. In fact, we didn't phrase it at all. Wow, that's ... rudely put!