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View Full Version : who helped you with your twins at the beginning?



twinbabies
10-08-2009, 07:20 PM
Hello all,

I am writing with the hope that some of you experienced multiple mothers/fathers out there will be able to give me some advice regarding help with the babies for the first few weeks:

I am due with twins in early March. I am currently not working and will be the primary caretaker of the babies until I go back to school in September.
My husband works full-time but a lot of the time he actually works from home, so he is around, though not necessarily "available."
I am curious to know if anyone here had a baby nurse and/or had their in-laws help them during the first month or so?
Has anyone here had their mom or mother-in-law stay at their house? Do you think I should just "suck it up" and deal with having my in-laws (who live overseas) live at my house (they wouldn't necessarily have anywhere else to stay) for the sake of the help that they can offer me, or if I think that they'll get on my nerves should I forego their help? I am trying to avoid having to pay for a baby-nurse but I am nervous about having the people that come to help me just stress me out more than I already will be. Who knows, maybe I'll be so tired and thankful for the help that I won't care that my mother and father in law are breathing down my neck, but then again, how can I predict this ahead of time? (and apparently baby nurses need to be reserved well in advance).

Thanks for your advice!

Melaine
10-08-2009, 08:10 PM
I didn't have any help. My mom came occasionally from out of town but really it was just me during the day and DH helped at night. If I had not had DH's help at night I think it is safe to say something horrible could have happened. I am just going to be straight with you: It is unfathomably difficult for the first few months (for us, until about 1 year).
My mom talked to someone yesterday with twins who hired a night nurse and someone different to help during the day. If you can afford someone at night and can find someone you can trust, I'm sure it could be a lifesaver. I'm not sure I could've relinquished that control personally but I am sometimes overly uptight. As far as having relatives help, I guess that could totally depend. I would've LOVED to have my mother, my father or my sister if any of them could've come for any extended time, it just didn't work out that way. My in-laws live in China so that wasn't really an option either!
You probably know this, but twins are notoriously premature so be prepared for an early entrance.

twowhat?
10-08-2009, 10:06 PM
I think I might have suffered from some sort of permanent damage if we didn't have help. My MIL stayed with us the first few weeks and did all our cooking, laundry, and held a baby when we needed an extra pair of hands. My parents came on weekends and did the same. Even more than a year later, our parents and in-laws still bring us some meals or come watch the babies for a couple hours so we can go out and pull weeds or something. We could not have survived without the help, and even with the help I am permanently scarred for life - no more kids for us! Props to those who managed all by themselves...dunno how you did it!

If you like your in-laws, I would seriously consider the help. You can assign them all the things you're not particular about to help with (i.e. everything except the babies which is kind of what we did, that way we were in complete control of how we wanted to handle breastfeeding, sleep, etc with the twins). If you can afford a baby nurse or similar, I'd consider that as well because you will have no qualms telling a hired helper what exactly you need to have done. We have a fantastic relationship with my parents and in-laws so it was a non-issue for us. Even so, there were a couple of times feelings were hurt due to miscommunication, but we all forgave and moved on.

The other thing that I really think is key - a husband has to assume to role of "second mother". No "I'm not going to wake up with her because she's breastfeeding" or "I'm not helping at night because I have to work the next day". My husband was up with me every time (even after I could handle both on my own at night) and I really think that had a lot to do with surviving. Sure, he has to work the next day but it is easier to go to work than it is to care for newborn twins all day. Don't expect his help during the day though if he works from home - he does have to work to keep his job. But my mantra is that when both parents are home and not working, both parents split baby duties. I'm sure some would probably disagree with me but I feel that when you have twins, the partner has to pitch in 100% so that neither goes completely insane.

dowlinal
10-08-2009, 11:59 PM
My parents live next door and my mom took care of my older two kids, but I was pretty much on my own with the twins from the beginning. My DH wasn't able to take much time off from work and had tons of mandatory overtime. It was so tough and if we had the money I would have hired someone in a heartbeat.

I am not a big fan of having people stay in my house, but I think I would have let just about any responsible person come help me. I was so tired and worn out from my c-section and nursing that I wouldn't have cared who was in my house as long as they were willing to hold a baby long enough for me to nap, take a shower, or eat.

twowhat?
10-09-2009, 11:21 AM
I am not a big fan of having people stay in my house, but I think I would have let just about any responsible person come help me. I was so tired and worn out from my c-section and nursing that I wouldn't have cared who was in my house as long as they were willing to hold a baby long enough for me to nap, take a shower, or eat.

Yeah, forgot to mention that if you have a c-section, you better get help if you can. It may have just been me, but a twins c-section recovery was ROUGH. I had to refill my pain meds, and I didn't feel recovered from the surgery for about 10 weeks. I could never go through that again.

Melaine
10-09-2009, 11:28 AM
Yeah, forgot to mention that if you have a c-section, you better get help if you can. It may have just been me, but a twins c-section recovery was ROUGH. I had to refill my pain meds, and I didn't feel recovered from the surgery for about 10 weeks. I could never go through that again.

Not just you. It was very difficult. I was thankful for the 2 weeks recovery while the girls were safely cared for in the NICU!

Naranjadia
10-09-2009, 11:29 AM
We had in-laws in and out, but not really as reliable help.

I had college students come and help out during the day, which helped a lot. I do have a disability, which is why we set that up before the twins arrived. But we did really find that an extra set of hands helped us stay caught up and sort of rested.

Momof3Labs
10-09-2009, 12:20 PM
Yeah, forgot to mention that if you have a c-section, you better get help if you can. It may have just been me, but a twins c-section recovery was ROUGH. I had to refill my pain meds, and I didn't feel recovered from the surgery for about 10 weeks. I could never go through that again.

Definitely YMMV. I had a c-section with the twins (37w5d, over 14lbs of baby total) and felt pretty darn good within 2 weeks. I did have to watch how much I lifted for a good four weeks, but that was about it. For reference, my first birth was a rough vaginal delivery w/ forceps - not a fun recovery. My second birth was an easy drug-free vaginal birth (easy recovery) combined with a separated pelvis (horrible recovery). So my perspective may be a bit different than a first-time mom.

Momof3Labs
10-09-2009, 12:22 PM
The other thing that I really think is key - a husband has to assume to role of "second mother". No "I'm not going to wake up with her because she's breastfeeding" or "I'm not helping at night because I have to work the next day". My husband was up with me every time (even after I could handle both on my own at night) and I really think that had a lot to do with surviving. Sure, he has to work the next day but it is easier to go to work than it is to care for newborn twins all day. Don't expect his help during the day though if he works from home - he does have to work to keep his job. But my mantra is that when both parents are home and not working, both parents split baby duties. I'm sure some would probably disagree with me but I feel that when you have twins, the partner has to pitch in 100% so that neither goes completely insane.

I totally, 100% agree with this paragraph. DH was able to be much more hands-off (esp. at nighttime) with our first two kids, but with the twins, it is "all hands on deck."

fivi2
10-09-2009, 12:23 PM
We didn't really have any help. The girls were in the NICU a couple weeks. (I did not have a c-section). My mom was in town for about another week or so after that. She was staying at my sister's though and absolutely no help. She actually made things harder. DH was home a little in the beginning - it was the holidays, but by the time they came home he was out of leave.

As far as hiring someone - we couldn't afford it. I would have had to wake up to pump anyway, so I wasn't sure how much it would help?

wrt having the in-laws come... that depends on them. My in-laws would have sent me over the edge. My mother almost did. It would have been better without her "help".

We survived :) It was hard, but we made it.

Good luck!

eta: ita with pps about dh helping at night. it was key in the beginning.

Momof3Labs
10-09-2009, 12:32 PM
To answer the OP's question:

If your in-laws are super-sensitive or touchy, you might not be happy having them around as sleep deprivation can make the mildest person snap at others. But if your issues with them are more minor, and they are the type to really pitch in and do whatever needs to be done, it would be worth having them around for at least the first month, two months if you can. Make it clear that you are not entertaining them - they are coming to work: cook, clean, grocery shop, hold babies, change diapers, etc.

If you decide not to go with the in-laws, I'd look at hiring a part-time nanny or sitter instead who is willing to help around the house in addition to help you care for the babies. Baby nurses are horribly expensive (around here, $25/hr and up for twins); sitters are much cheaper and will do pretty much the same job for you. You might even be able to pay a college student or a fellow mom to stay 1-2 nights a week so that you can get some solid sleep every now and then.

My mom has helped tremendously; I don't know where I'd be without her. She lives close by so comes over during the day, but also spends the night when DH is working. MIL keeps offering to come to help but she can barely walk and can barely hold a baby. She plunks in a chair and stays there until it is time to leave; everything needs to be brought to her. Having her around is a lot more work than not having her around.

BeachBum
10-09-2009, 12:33 PM
My husband is fantastic (and I totally agree with the second mother comments), I have a pre-schooler and my parents live nearby and my mom would come by after work every day. I thought I knew what I was doing and would be fine. My mom did most of our cooking, and I had my housekeeper come extra. I thought that is all I needed and I didn't want any full time help. I also thought since I was breastfeeding another person wouldn't be much help.

I was wrong. It was such a mistake. If I had a do over, I would get full time (well 8-5pm) help from birth till about 6 months. Then I would scale back to about 2 half days a week. Sure--you CAN do it. But, really if you have the financial means or free help you really don't want to go it alone. It is so, so hard... Really.

Kindra178
10-12-2009, 03:54 PM
Honestly, as much help as you can afford. I had a spirited 26 month old and just moved to a new house about three days before I delivered, so things were insane. Night help, day help, baby help, cleaning help, anything really, will make your life easier. Even if you are not that close with your inlaws, sometimes the company is just reassuring.

mikeys_mom
10-14-2009, 12:13 PM
Honestly, as much help as you can afford.

:yeahthat:

I have a FT nanny/housekeeper who typically works 7:30am - 6:30pm. When the twins were first born, I had her taking care of my older 2 kids more so than usual because I was pretty busy with the twins.

We also hired a night nurse (10pm-7am) for the first 3 months. It was expensive and we ended up not going ahead with a planned kichen renovation so that we could afford it, but I do not regret for a minute spending the money.

My twins were born at 35.5 weeks and for the first month needed to nurse every 2 hours during the day. I could not tandem nurse at the beginning and they each took close to 45 minutes to nurse. It basically left me with 15 minutes every 2 hours to get up and walk around. I was so exhausted by the time the night nurse showed up at 10pm. I had her give formula at night because for me it was the best choice. Even if I would have been nursing, it would have been helpful to have someone at night to settle the babies down once they were fed.

My parents live out of town and my mother was here for about 10 days to help out.

My MIL lives close by and I thought that despite some things that annoy me, I would desperately need her help. She is a very anxious person and in the end found that she was just stressing me out more than I needed. I used her to help with my older 2 kids, but not be around me or the babies. I think that it depends on what type of things about your MIL bother you whether it is worth having her come.

I also had a cleaning lady come once a week because my nanny no longer had time to do the cleaning she had been doing prior to the twins birth.

We received meals from families at our synagogue every other day for the first 2.5 weeks. After that, my nanny did most of the cooking and MIL brought food over on the weekends.

I had a c/s (my 3rd) and this was by far my best recovery. Maybe because I knew what to expect, or maybe because I was actually letting my body rest at night. I don't know.

My DH is very helpful around the house and with the kids.

Despite all the help that I had, the first 3 months are a blurr in my mind and were pretty rough. Next 3 months got a bit easier, but still hard.

Our twins are now almost 8 months and it is so much easier.

Good luck. Twins are lots of work, but lots of fun :).