Coping strategies for horrible MIL? (sorry, long!) UPDATE POSTS 24&35 [Archive]

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jenfromnj

10-10-2009, 09:35 PM

My MIL and I have never been best friends. DH has a younger sister who can do no wrong and is favored so blatantly it's ridiculous, and she unfortunately thinks that her opinions are absolute chapter and verse, and there is no room for discussion/debate/dissent. She is one of those people who, if she decides that she hates someone for any reason or none, we are all expected to cut them off in turn (she once had an absolute fit because she found out I was Facebook friends with DH's lovely cousin who she felt had 'slighted' her by not coming home from college out of state during final exams to attend SIL's baby shower for her 2nd baby in 2 years).

She's a huge bully and her entire family is afraid of making her angry because they know the consequences. Unfortunately this includes DH to some extent, much moreso since his father became very ill about 3 years ago (he is recovered now thankfully). DH and I have been together for 9 years and married for nearly 6, and I have previously managed to just ignore her, bite my tongue or not take what she says seriously, and limit my contact with her, which was easy because they watch SIL's 2 children pretty much 7 days a week.

But since DS was born in March, she's gotten worse, and has both questioned my parenting skills and tried to put my baby in situations that I was not comfortable with (trying to put my 2 month old in a non-reclining umbrella stroller, putting him in his cousin's forward facing carseat)--my breaking point started a few months ago when she came to visit DS and 'accidentally' gave him a bottle of formula when I was killing myself to make sure he was on breastmilk only. She called my decision to BF DS 'ridiculous and stupid' (not to my face of course, I heard her saying this on the phone). Then my grandmother passed away recently, and she and FIL came to the wake--she was SO rude to me that my mom, sister and cousin noticed, and proceeded to grab DS out of my arms and run off funeral home property to a carnival down the street--DH had to go and find her after 20 or 30 minutes.

She also called my husband numerous times (I found out later) about 2 weeks after DS was born and she and FIL came for a visit unannounced--she told him that she was 'highly concerned' because she saw cat hair on our stairs, and that DS was going to have allergies now because his mother is such a bad housekeeper! I was tempted to send her the hospital discharge instructions where it says in bold print that c-section moms are NOT supposed to vaccuum at that point, and if anyone was responsible for the mess at that point, it was DH. There are so many more examples, but you probably get the idea by now

I told DH that I really can't tolerate her behavior, mainly because of my concerns over DS's safety but also because of her lack of respect for me as DH's wife and DS's mother. I haven't seen her since the wake over 2 months ago. DH was initially upset too, but after trying to talk to his mother a few times and getting a huge tantrum/guilt trip (she proceeded to list grievous offenses DH had committed, which included not getting her a birthday card x number of years ago--though she received a gift, not telling her DS's name before he was born, etc etc etc). DH's sister also proceeded to post really nasty comments about me and what a liar and bitch I was on Facebook for everyone to see after he spoke to his mother.

After the tantrum/guilt trip, DH actually seemed to feel bad for his mom, and started to somewhat defend her, saying that she was just 'sensitive' and that no one was perfect, etc. I reinterated my safety concerns for DS, and he got very defensive, saying that she'd never want to harm our son, had raised her kids and SILs kids and they all survived, etc--no doubt quoting what she'd told him.

So now I am seriously still so angry at MIL, but no longer really feel that I have DH on my side. I don't think that I can be in the same room as she is at this point, which could be interesting with the upcoming holidays. I am not sure how I feel about DS being with her much because of the safety/feeding concerns--I'm afraid of what happens when I am not there, but the thought of spending time with her/them right now literally turns my stomach.

Sorry this is so long and poorly written, I just needed to vent and see if there was anyone else out there in a similar situation, and if so, what you've done to make it better or at least tolerate it. I am trying to get DH to return to my corner, which we are working on, but he still feels this sense of loyalty to his mother, and I feel in some ways that my disliking her is only making that even moreso the case. Most of my friends are lucky enough to have really great MILs, so they can't fathom all of this craziness. Thanks for reading if you made it through this whole thing! There is so much more to it, but this post is already so long!

jenmcadams

10-10-2009, 09:40 PM

jenfromnj

10-10-2009, 09:45 PM

Hugs to you :)

I can't imagine having a bad MIL situation, but if I did have one and my DH wasn't firmly in my corner, I might go ballistic. While the MIL situation needs to be dealt with, your DH needs to realize that you and your DC are his family now and his loyalty needs to be to you.

I'm sure that's something you realize, but he needs to understand that his immediate family is his first priority.

Good luck to you....Holidays are tough enough even when your ILs are great (like mine)...

This is what I am desperately trying to get DH to realize--it's so strange because he was really upset and in my corner, and then who knows what happened or was said, but he tried to start finding excuses for her behavior and is upset that I think his parents would put DS in danger (which in my opinion, the examples above demonstrate that they did just that).

I don't want to ruin DS's first Thanksgiving/Christmas (not that he will remember), and I don't want to deny him knowing his grandparents--I just need to determine how to reconcile it all.

cvanbrunt

10-10-2009, 09:53 PM

Laurel

10-10-2009, 10:00 PM

Hugs to you :)
While the MIL situation needs to be dealt with, your DH needs to realize that you and your DC are his family now and his loyalty needs to be to you.

This. This. This.

You probably can't do much to change your evil in-laws, but you can work on DH's reactions. He needs to be the one standing up to the evil ILs for you, and for DC.

TwinFoxes

10-10-2009, 10:04 PM

Wow. She's a piece of work. Quite frankly, I think the bigger problem is that your husband still hasn't cut the apron strings. Until he realizes that you must be the #1 woman in his life, nothing will change. She's a bully and no one has ever stood up to her or challenged her before. You could do it but only if you think your marriage will survive. I could go on but it really isn't my place.

Sorry you are in such a tough spot.
:yeahthat:

I feel so bad for you. But honestly, until DH is behind you, you're in a bad place. I don't know how you feel about counseling, but I think some situations are so tough that professional advice is needed. Good luck to you. :hug:

And thank you for reminding me that my in-laws are actually quite wonderful despite my complaints.

edurnemk

10-10-2009, 10:07 PM

Wow. She's a piece of work. Quite frankly, I think the bigger problem is that your husband still hasn't cut the apron strings. Until he realizes that you must be the #1 woman in his life, nothing will change. She's a bully and no one has ever stood up to her or challenged her before. You could do it but only if you think your marriage will survive. I could go on but it really isn't my place.

Sorry you are in such a tough spot.

:yeahthat:
And I must say, reading your post was like reading the story of my life, to the T (except my SIL is not married or has kids), and with the added bonus of a deceptive and manipulative FIL. I'm really sorry you're going through this, too, it's especially stressful when you just had a baby and really don't need extra stress.

I still haven't been able to get DH to cut the apron strings, he stills defends them, especially his dad. But if I ever figure out a solution I'll let you know. I recently decided to insist on going to marriage counseling, I think maybe hearing another perspective from an outsider will help him see my side of the story.

niccig

10-10-2009, 10:09 PM

:yeahthat:

I feel so bad for you. But honestly, until DH is behind you, you're in a bad place. I don't know how you feel about counseling, but I think some situations are so tough that professional advice is needed. Good luck to you. :hug:
.

In my case, it's my mother that is the bully and likes to get her own way. I went ballistic on her at one Christmas, and it has might things difficult. But I'm glad I did it, I needed to draw my boundaries. Now, when she oversteps, I make it clear I won't tolerate it.

Even though it was my mother, I needed DH's support. It's easier to do, when you have someone backing you up. Meanwhile, you can start to set boundaries...DH is making excuses, you can call him on it. Decide things with DH, and when MIL questions, tell her it is not up for debate, show DH the facebook postings and ask what he will do to defend you. I had to the "my child, my decision" with my mother. Really though, you need to have DH realise that his mother needs to back off before you can have change, other wise, he'll undermine anything you say/do by giving in to her. I'm sorry, it's an awful situation to be in.

jenfromnj

10-10-2009, 10:19 PM

:yeahthat:
And I must say, reading your post was like reading the story of my life, to the T (except my SIL is not married or has kids), and with the added bonus of a deceptive and manipulative FIL. I'm really sorry you're going through this, too, it's especially stressful when you just had a baby and really don't need extra stress.

I still haven't been able to get DH to cut the apron strings, he stills defends them, especially his dad. But if I ever figure out a solution I'll let you know. I recently decided to insist on going to marriage counseling, I think maybe hearing another perspective from an outsider will help him see my side of the story.

Thanks for this--it's comforting in a strange way to know I'm not the only one with these types of issues. I think counseling is a good idea, I am going to work on that, since I'm just so disgusted that my marriage is having issues and therefore my little family is in jeopardy due to this awful woman.

The funny thing is, my FIL is actually a nice guy, except that he is completely spineless and lets her call all the shots.

MIL is deceptive and manipulative as well--she has been like this forever, but uses the death of her mother about 2 years ago as an excuse for everything--if ever confronted or called out, she'll start crying and playing the poor me/victim card, and DH (either stupidly or naively) falls for it.

MCsMom

10-10-2009, 10:20 PM

Jenfromnj, I too have MIL difficulties and we got into it at the end of the summer because DH corrected his mother when she put DD in an unsafe situation. MIL was mortally offended blah blah blah. We had a 3 hour phone conference and ironed things out for the time being.

The only thing I would suggest is to try to ignore MIL and SIL and remember that your DS and how you want him to be treated is your right as his parent. If they question or not follow your instructions, they don't get alone time with DS. Irregardless of whether or not putting your DS in questionable situations was intentional. The bottom line is what YOU want and what YOUR guidelines are. Get DH on your side like the PP said because yes, you and your DS are the priority now.

SIL sounds like an absolute harpy. She acts like that because everyone seems to enable her judging by your story.

Good luck! I will be running interference for my own DD this holiday season...

jenfromnj

10-10-2009, 10:27 PM

The only thing I would suggest is to try to ignore MIL and SIL and remember that your DS and how you want him to be treated is your right as his parent. If they question or not follow your instructions, they don't get alone time with DS. Irregardless of whether or not putting your DS in questionable situations was intentional. The bottom line is what YOU want and what YOUR guidelines are. Get DH on your side like the PP said because yes, you and your DS are the priority now.

SIL sounds like an absolute harpy. She acts like that because everyone seems to enable her judging by your story.

Good luck! I will be running interference for my own DD this holiday season...

Harpy is the perfect word for SIL--thanks for that! She is a huge spoiled brat with an enormous sense of entitlement because ILs have always just given her everything and never set any expectations for her behavior. She is just like MIL, who in turn was just like her mother, DH's grandmother.

The one thing that DH has been good about is not letting his parents have alone time with DS--he is always there when they are with the baby, and we are in agreement about what are do's and don'ts. So I am not concerned with DS's safety, I just would not let that happen. It's almost worse that they don't acknowledge that what they did with DS was not appropriate, because it's kind of scary--I worry even about SILs children, who are all still young (4 and under).

gatorsmom

10-10-2009, 11:00 PM

I don't want to ruin DS's first Thanksgiving/Christmas (not that he will remember), and I don't want to deny him knowing his grandparents--I just need to determine how to reconcile it all.

I have no experience but over the past 3 years I"ve seen a close friend of mine's marriage be completely destroyed by her ILs. They totally manipulated their son (her DH) and he never went back to her side. They ended up divorcing over it. And there was a VERY messy custody battle. You really need to get your DH on your side or make it clear to him that you will do what you have to to protect your son. You also need to make it clear that you are the mother and will raise your child in what you feel is the best way for him. No one knows your child better than YOU. And although it's painful, he needs to pick sides NOW. Is he going to support YOU or is he going to be manipulated by his parents to the detriment of his marriage and family? And although I know you want the baby's first holidays to be perfect and special, it's better that you shake things up and get your point across THIS Holiday season rather than in 2 or 3 years when your DS can understand that something is wrong.

It sounds to me like your SIL is completely intimidated by you or jealous of you. There is probalby NOTHING you can do about that, it's her issue.

I''m so sorry you are dealing with this.

niccig

10-10-2009, 11:23 PM

ETA - I didn't have time in my first post, here are some ways I manage my mother.

If there is a vacuum, she will fill it. So, DH and I talk and work out what WE want, and she can't get her way because nothing is planned. Very important for birthdays, Christmas celebrations etc.

I actually tell her very little. If she doesn't know, she can't comment. I will answer questions, but I don't give up much information.

Practice saying No. And "that doesn't suit us. You can do that, but we'll do this". "I am DS's parent, and we will decide". "Thank you for your concern. We have made our decision, and it is not up for discussion"

If you don't think you can trust them alone with DS, do not leave him alone with them. If it means you don't get free babysitting, then so be it. My mother hasn't spend time alone, because she will do as she pleases. My MIL listens to us, so she has looked after DS for DH and I to go away.

Be prepared to limit contact with DS if you must. I've done this, and my mothers know if she tries her BS, I'll tell her to leave my house. I've done it before.

Don't care what people think or say about you. This kind of person will bitch about you, regardless of what you do. I know my mother bad mouths me to family and to friends, and I couldn't care less. They all know what she is like, and their opinion does not matter to me.

Come here to the bitching post A LOT.

I hope some of this helps.

ETA> Totally agree with Lisa's comment about making a stand NOW. Much easier than in 2 or 3 years when you've left them get their own way. Think of it like practice for the toddler years. Set your rules and boundaries and enforce them every single time. Consistency is the key.

kozachka

10-11-2009, 02:22 AM

You've already got some excellent advice from pp so I am not going to repeat it. Just one little comment - go to Facebook right NOW and change settings so that SIL's post don't show up on the pages of your friends. You could also un-friend her but that would cause her to badmouth you even more.

Good luck on reigning in your MIL and lots of :22:.

wencit

10-11-2009, 02:55 AM

:hug:

My MIL sounds pretty similar to yours -- manipulative, guilt-tripping, controlling... My only saving grace is that she lives 3000 miles away from me in NJ, so I only have to deal with her once a year or every other year. If you ever find a solution, please let me know. The best I've managed to do is to be civil to her whenever she's around. I can manage to do that for 7 days out of 365, for my husband's sake. I do try to remind myself that she's my boys' grandmother, and they deserve to have a relationship with her if they so choose (she does not try to harm them in any way), so I try not to stand in the way of that.

My issues with my MIL have taught me 2 things: 1) I am never moving to NJ, and 2) I am sooooo going to kiss up to any future girlfriends my sons have!!!

So sorry you're going through this.

edurnemk

10-11-2009, 03:52 PM

MIL is deceptive and manipulative as well--she has been like this forever, but uses the death of her mother about 2 years ago as an excuse for everything--

OMG! Seriously, do we have the same MIL? My MIL was not very upset when her mother died, but now that they're trying to manipulate DH to get us to move to the city where they live she's playing that card. She's been telling people that she has depression because her mother's death hit her just now, 19 months later. A couple of years ago she would say she had depression because her son got married and moved out of town...

I have no experience but over the past 3 years I"ve seen a close friend of mine's marriage be completely destroyed by her ILs. They totally manipulated their son (her DH) and he never went back to her side. They ended up divorcing over it. And there was a VERY messy custody battle. You really need to get your DH on your side

This is why I'm insisting on counseling, because I can totally see us going that way if I can't get DH to back me up NOW. So I agree, do whatever you need to do to get him to understand that you and your baby must be his priority, and that he needs to back you up whenever the IL's disrespect you.

bekahjean

10-11-2009, 04:18 PM

I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this situation! I was in a very similar position when DH and I were first married (before DS was around, thank God!). MIL would regularly fly off the handle and say all sorts of horrible things about me to both FIL and DH.

The way that I made him understand that he needed to stand up for me was by telling him that when he let her say those things about me without standing up for me, he was telling her that he agreed with her. He was in the same position of just trying to calm her down, and he didn't realize that he was agreeing with her. I sat him down and explained that when he let her rant and rave about me, and didn't defend our joint decisions, I felt like he was agreeing with her. Since then, he has stood up for me and will not let her badmouth me to him or to the rest of our family.

What it comes down to, like the PPs have said, is that YOU are supposed to be the most important person in his life. Together, you will make the parenting decisions and he needs to support you in those decisions!

MamaMolly

10-11-2009, 05:25 PM

You've gotten a lot of good advice, so I'll just add one thing that struck me as I read one of your posts. Part of what is irritating you is that MIL won't admit when she has been wrong and put DS in danger, and that she justifies her behavior with excuses. While I *totally* agree with you that you are completely in the right I don't think your MIL is EVER going to admit she was wrong. It just seems completely foreign to her personality. I don't think you gain anything by wanting or expecting an apology, or even a concession that you are right. Even though you seriously deserve it!

I'm not trying to be discouraging, I'm just thinking of that prayer that goes 'help me change the things I can change...' IYKWIM.

One of the great comebacks I've read on here is "because it makes me feel better". As in: why do you do XYZ? Because it makes me feel better. It is the only rationalization you need to offer the woman for any reason you do things YOUR way. It is completely irrational and she can't argue with the way you feel, so it nips that right in the bud.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with her and with SIL. It sounds like a big case of Monkey See, Monkey Do with SIL. And I'd consider giving myself a break and un-friending SIL from Facebook. It really, really, really will...well, make you feel better. :ROTFLMAO:

Good luck, and I hope DH comes around.

niccig

10-11-2009, 05:33 PM

You could also un-friend her but that would cause her to badmouth you even more.

If she asks you could just say that somehow a number of your friends have dropped off your list. Never add her back in, just don't get around to it. I tell people that I dont' use facebook much, and I don't, but it's also a good way to not have to friend someone on there."Oh, I'm too busy to use it these days" works well for me.

vejemom

10-11-2009, 05:44 PM

...since I'm just so disgusted that my marriage is having issues and therefore my little family is in jeopardy due to this awful woman.

Have you told DH just that? Because that's really what it boils down to. Hugs to you. I'm sorry she's such a jerk.

KBecks

10-11-2009, 06:09 PM

All I can say is don't sweat the small stuff (who cares what she thinks of your housekeeping, she doesn't live with you) and pick your battles (things like the carseat).

Limit your contact but try to have a polite relationship. You don't have to be best friends, that is an unrealistic expectation, but you can be friendly with her and try for your DS to have a good relationship with his grandmother.

Good luck! Don't listen to anything she says and do what you feel is best. That should make you feel much better. Don't read anything they say on FB. Ignore, Ignore Ignore!!

jenfromnj

10-11-2009, 10:01 PM

Thank you all so much for all the great advice! You are completely right about so many things!

I did unfriend SIL on Facebook after her 3rd nasty comment (although now I am sort of sorry I did, because I can no longer monitor what she's saying about me). I haven't had any contact with any of them since the wake, which is when I also found out about a lot of the other things she'd been saying.

I know that I need to choose my battles and get to a place where the mere thought of her does not make me shudder, I think that finding an objective professional is a good step in that direction. I am also going to push DH to speak to someone, either alone or with me, so he can fully appreciate the damage this is doing--I have told him that I thought it was really endangering our relationship, but I'm not sure that he fully appreciates how serious I am about that.

I definitely do not allow her to be alone with DS at all, I know this is annoying to her that we always make sure she has 'supervision' but when it comes to DS's safety, I really do not care who is upset or offended.

Thank you all for helping me gain some perspective on this! I am going to try to do whatever is necessary to be in a better place with this (whatever that means) in time to be able to enjoy DS's first Christmas and all of the fun things that we have planned.

dogmom

10-11-2009, 10:03 PM

Then my grandmother passed away recently, and she and FIL came to the wake--she was SO rude to me that my mom, sister and cousin noticed, and proceeded to grab DS out of my arms and run off funeral home property to a carnival down the street--DH had to go and find her after 20 or 30 minutes.

AND

After the tantrum/guilt trip, DH actually seemed to feel bad for his mom, and started to somewhat defend her, saying that she was just 'sensitive' and that no one was perfect, etc. I reinterated my safety concerns for DS, and he got very defensive, saying that she'd never want to harm our son, had raised her kids and SILs kids and they all survived, etc--no doubt quoting what she'd told him.

My honest opinion is your MIL sounds mentally ill. Does she have mood swings? The running off to the carnival and "sensitive" quote just made health care spidey sense go off.
Somehow you need to convince your husband to go to couples counseling (or individual counseling for him) and get a professional person to intervene and help you two develop strategies for dealing with an obviously sick individual who may destroy your family. Your husband knows his mother is nuts. Present it as you are at the end of your wits end and don't want to fight with him so you need some neutral person to help sort this out. Tell him you don't want to put him in a situation where he has to choose between you or his mother, but this situation is not going to get better.

Good luck.

jenfromnj

10-31-2009, 10:09 PM

I really appreciate everyone's advice. Unfortunately, things are not looking good at this point. My husband has essentially ignored by requests to go to counseling, telling me that I am the one with the issue and I should therefore go to counseling. In short, it has become very clear that his loyalty is not to me--that is simply not acceptable to me, as upsetting as it is, I think I am at the point where I need to take action to take care of myself and my son.

He has also decided to be incredibly mean and nasty with respect to the amount/quality of cooking and cleaning I do--he has no appreciation for the fact that DS first had horrible nursing issues, then bad reflux, and I also deal with his heart condition and intestinal obstruction and related issues, as well as our dog and cats, and do all of the household shopping/errands, etc etc, all entirely on my own. I am busy 24 hours per day. I have literally not gotten one full night's sleep in 7.5 months (DS is a terrible sleeper, largely due to the aforementioned issues, which of course are also considered to be my fault by his family) and am just exhausted--DH has not stayed up one night with DS, even when I had strep throat and a 102 fever.

I have no doubt that these latest complaints were motivated by MIL, since she's had the issues I mentioned in my first post with my housekeeping. Just to clarify, we do not live in a hovel--MIL is the type to vaccuum the house at least once per day, obsessively clean her kitchen and bathrooms daily, etc--I explained to DH that I really would rather do what I deem absolutely necessary and otherwise devote my time to DS than to spend hours each day cleaning, and that did not go over well. Apparently his version of absolutely necessary is his mother's insane standard.

He has also decided to make some major financial decisions without consulting me. We certainly do not have unlimited resources, especially these days, and this has really stressed me out, as it puts our monthly budget in a tough position and may force us to take additional funds out of savings, which I am not comfortable with doing.

I am just generally feeling really upset and hurt this evening, and am not ready to discuss this latest round of issues with my family and friends just yet--in a way I am almost embarassed about it, and am trying to figure out exactly what I want before breaking the news. I did make a call to a therapist, and am going to go in for a counseling session the week after next (unfortunately, DS has the cardiologist and feeding specialist this week and I have no one to watch him on the other days, I'd have loved to go sooner.)

Sadly, I am also speaking with a divorce lawyer on Monday--as upset as I am, I realize that I need to be reasonable for DS's sake, and I don't want to make any missteps that might do anything to jeopardize custody of him.

It helps just to get this all out on "paper", so thanks very much if you made it all the way though this post--I appreciate your support and any insight you might have to get through this.

HannaAddict

10-31-2009, 10:23 PM

I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am for your MIL issues and even more upsetting the way your husband is acting. It is great you are taking control and talking to a counselor and a lawyer, I always think it is better not be be caught flat footed and you can take steps to protect yourself. If you can open a bank account and have some just in case money available to you, I would consider that too. I do hope it works out for your family and that your husband realizes how hard your job is and starts being more supportive. I have an awful MIL but my husband is the only one of three boys who has stood up to his mother (we went through this battle when dating long ago!) and it has been much better for our marriage. His other two brothers, one older, one younger, have both put their mom first and it has resulted in divorce for the older and almost divorce and much conflict for the younger. It is a really, really hard place to be and I hope you get some good ideas and support from the counselor. Take care!!!

BabyMine

10-31-2009, 10:38 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this but you made the right decision in protecting your future.:grouphug:

bubbaray

10-31-2009, 10:50 PM

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

purpleeyes

10-31-2009, 10:56 PM

(((hugs))). I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck with your appointments next week.

wencit

11-01-2009, 12:12 AM

I'm just so sorry you have to go through this.

elektra

11-01-2009, 01:15 AM

So sorry. Feeling unappreciated is not a good feeling. Hoping the counseling works out even if it ends up being just you.

cvanbrunt

11-01-2009, 08:16 AM

I'm sorry things did not improve after speaking to your husband. I hope your meetings go well. I hope I don't sound condescending, but I'm really impressed with how you are taking control of your situation and working to find a solution that is best for you and your child. Good luck.

KathyN115

11-01-2009, 09:10 AM

:grouphug:

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is totally unfair - if you husband wants a cleaner house, why doesn't he clean it??? My MIL is no treat, but nowhere as bad as yours. We did have similar issues a few years ago, and she basically ruined DD's 1st birthday. DH also stuck up for his mom, which caused some hard feelings for a while, but things eventually worked out. I now kill his mom with kindness, which I am sure irritates her, but what can she say?

Hope this all works out for you and your DS.

MamaMolly

11-01-2009, 09:56 AM

He has also decided to be incredibly mean and nasty with respect to the amount/quality of cooking and cleaning I do--he has no appreciation for the fact that DS first had horrible nursing issues, then bad reflux, and I also deal with his heart condition and intestinal obstruction and related issues, as well as our dog and cats, and do all of the household shopping/errands, etc etc, all entirely on my own. I am busy 24 hours per day. I have literally not gotten one full night's sleep in 7.5 months (DS is a terrible sleeper, largely due to the aforementioned issues, which of course are also considered to be my fault by his family) and am just exhausted--DH has not stayed up one night with DS, even when I had strep throat and a 102 fever.

I'm sorry DH is being nasty and unsupportive. The unsupportive part is sadly not uncommon in many new dads. I remember when DH couldn't understand how I didn't have time to get a shower one day. It wasn't until he was 100% responsible for DD himself that he saw how hard parenting is.

He is also guilty of the Daddy-Babysitter Syndrome. By that I mean when he *does* have the full responsibility of parenting DD he doesn't pick up the house, vacuum, do dishes, cook, anything. I usually return to an AMAZING mess. He spends his time 'entertaining' DD and considers that fulfilling his parental responsibility. Like a crappy babysitter.

It sounds like your DH isn't pulling his weight. Parenting is *hard* work and you are doing everything for DS. You are really smart to get yourself some help, but I'd also suggest you turn the reins over to DH more. He's never, never, never going to get it until he DOES it. But once he does he'll probably show you more respect. Again, I'm really sorry.

And MIL needs a smack up side the head. Your the mother of her grandchild. Why the F would she antognise you???

wellyes

11-01-2009, 01:51 PM

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're getting (1) no support (2) blamed for what doesn't get done without support (3) told you have a problem. All 3 are pretty unacceptable, and together that is a recipe for disaster. Good luck & stay strong.

jenfromnj

11-01-2009, 02:22 PM

Thank you all for the support and great advice! After speaking to DH further this morning, I don't think he fully realizes how deadly serious I am about my willingness to end our marriage if it comes to that. I am hoping (though not terribly optimistic) that he will come to appreciate this and agree to counseling, but we'll see. At this point, some damage has been done that I am afraid might be irreparable.

To some of your excellent points:
1. Thankfully, I have control over most of our joint finances, and do have a separate 'emergency' fund just in case. I manage our investments, pay our bills, etc.

2. I agree that turning the reins over to DH more regularly is/was probably a good idea. He has been resistant to this, however, and either has 'things to do' on the weekend (which has been a source of friction in itself), or if I'll be gone for more than an hour, which is very rare, he runs to his mother's. This has also been the subject of many arguments, as he never spends quality 1 on 1 time with DS.

3. I can honestly say that I have always been polite and respectful to MIL since I've known my husband, much more than she deserved based upon her behavior. As I think about it more, she has an issue with every woman who has married into that family--FIL's brothers and cousins wives, her brother's wives (there have been 3), etc. Part of the issue is that I really do not trust her to even behave in an appropriate manner in public--after the way she acted at my grandmother's wake, I dread having a scene at DS's first Christmas, birthday party or otherwise if she is there, which DH insists she will be. He refuses to give her any consequences for her bad behavior and backs down immediately when she flips out on him if he ever dares to question her, which is the crux of the issue, I suppose.

Thanks for tolerating my rants! It actually helps to write this all out and get feedback from objective sources--my mom, sister and best friends all have opinions of MIL based on her past behavior that they've witnessed for themselves relating to my wedding, baby shower, etc. And the thing with my grandmother's wake sent my mom, who seriously gives everyone the benefit of the doubt to the nth degree, into 'hater' territory as to MIL. I just want to protect DS, and I'll do whatever I need to in order to accomplish that.

clc053103

11-01-2009, 03:45 PM

gatorsmom

11-01-2009, 03:45 PM

Hugs and prayers to you! I admire you very much for keeping your head straight, keeping your cool, and taking difficult steps to protect your son. It's so unfortunate that your MIL is ruining her son's life and grandson's life. As well as yours. And isn't it sad that your DH can't see that his mother is essentially causing the huge rift in her grandson's life?

Big hugs again.

SammyeGail

11-01-2009, 06:00 PM

I just wanted to add that I am so sorry too. This sounds so terrible.

I am glad you are seeing a lawyer about your options and a counselor. A counselor could give you some great ideas on how to approach DH in a totally different way, I hope so, I hate to see a marriage end because of this.

My MIL is a piece of work on her own, but I give her the award for the most uninvolved grandmother ever. I should be thankful, and in a way I am. She lives in AZ and we live in TN, so thats good! Her first visit to see the boys (twins), they were 6 weeks old, she 'observed' them for a minute, spent the rest of the week in the rocking recliner (which we opted for instead of a glider, and NEEDED) reading, using my car to run errands for herself. She never held them, I don't think she touched them. The 2nd visit was the same, we had their 1st birthday party early because she was there, she was too busy small talking with other adults, hardly watched anything the boys did. 3rd visit she did try to interact with the boys more, it was shocking, but every visit was hard because I had the twins to take of, she acted like being in our house was like being in Japan, I had to make her coffee, pull everything out for lunch, etc. The visit last year she read, drove me insane with 'where is such'n'such?' (Open cabinets and look!!) all day, DH asked if she could leave early, Why come if you don't even look at your grandchildren!?!

Sorry for my own vent, she's not coming this year. She is so good at saying really hurtful offensive things and not even realizing it. We had fertility problems and did 2 InVitro cycles. She said to DH 'Why are you even trying, children do nothing but bring you misery...' He said 'thanks mom, thanks alot'. She never *got* it, he explained it to her later and she said she meant his older sister, who is totally messed up physically and worse mentally. MIL has taken care of her financially for about 20+ years, SIL (I've never met) is horrible to MIL, DH tells her to move away, we don't know why she moved out there near SIL in the first place. SIL doesn't want her there and they may see each other every 3-4 months.

Sorry, I don't want to exchange...;)

I am just so sorry your MIL and SIL are so cruel!! That is just evil. Its sad that MIL's like that are out there everywhere.

Like many, many PPs have said, you do what is best for you and your little man!!

Samantha

newnana

11-01-2009, 06:31 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this and that your DH doesn't see the problem.

Our sitiuation was similar. However, it was my mother that is caustic and DH that was dealing with the psychoses. And she brought out the worst in me. It's only because of DH's incessant pressure that I started and then he and I together as a couple got therapy that I realized how dysfunctional she really is. When you are raised by crazy, it's pretty hard to realize it isn't normal. And even when you do, it's hard to break that cycle. Especially when it's a guilt-packin momma.

I'm not saying that is any reason to stay with your DH or that it is any justification for his behavior. My DH and I worked this out long before we had children and that is part of what has made us as strong together as we are today. We are a team in every respect now because of working through the nonsense with my mother. We are a united front against my parents, the in laws, and our daughter :) The other post about "partners" got me thinking about this.

It took a lot of hard work for us to get there. And I would be lying if I said I didn't ever relapse into my mother-pleasing ways. It makes me miserable, but it's a long, hard habit to break. And sometimes it feels easier to give in, even when it's the wrong decision. Thankfully, my DH is really good at helping me stay sane in those situations and work it out. But there were definitely times before we were married (and especially around the wedding) that I thought we wouldn't make it.

This is a really long, rambling post. Sorry about that. I'm trying to say that it is hard. And I'm sorry you are going through this. But only he can change the relationship with his mother. And it will take him being willing and a LOT of work on his part. And if he is not willing, then you have to do what is right for you and your son. Congratulations on realizing what you need and stating it. That is huge. You have taken amazing steps by already setting expectations and making those appointments. You are doing the right thing.

alexmommy

11-01-2009, 10:35 PM

Sorry to hear about your IL's. Counseling is definitely a must--it will hopefully help you with some positive coping strategies.

I agree with PP's that DH needs to do a Freaky Friday and be you for a day--childcare, cooking, cleaning and all.

Too bad you all live so close. 1000 miles away could be a good thing...

jenfromnj

11-01-2009, 11:24 PM

Too bad you all live so close. 1000 miles away could be a good thing...

Truer words were never spoken! Unfortunately, my entire family (who I love and are great) is in this area, as well, and DH and I are both attorneys who are admitted in NY and NJ, so the odds of us moving anywhere are slim to none. And there's no doubt that ILs are not going anywhere.