Did your mother come to stay with you? [Archive] - Baby Bargains & Baby 411 Community

jgenie

10-14-2009, 04:31 PM

Yes, my mom arrived the day after DS was born and stayed for two weeks. My MIL came for a week after my mom left. It was great having them here - they cooked, cleaned, and just helped us out so we could concentrate on DS. This time around the plan is for MIL to come the day after the baby arrives and stay the two weeks DH is off. My mom will come for the next two weeks. With DS, I asked DH if he wanted a week to bond just the three of us before my mom arrived but he thought it would be best to have someone that knew what they were doing to help as soon as possible. That worked out great because I wanted my mom to be here to enjoy DS as soon as possible. Could it be that your DH feels like his feelings aren't being considered? GL working something out that works for both of you.

roobee

10-14-2009, 04:34 PM

lowrioh

10-14-2009, 04:39 PM

Yes, My mom came down when I was in labor and stayed for a week. She went home for a couple of days and then came down again for 4-5 days. My dad came down some of the time too. They live about 2.5 hours away and my mom is retired so her schedule is super flexible. My mom is very helpful and we get along really well.
If you get along with your parent and they are actually helpful I would say 1-3 weeks. If not then limit it to 1 week max. Figure out what she would be most helpful with and make sure you let her know what you need help with. Everyone loves to hold the baby but in reality you need people to go to the grocery store, do laundry, make meals, take out the trash etc.

okinawama

10-14-2009, 05:04 PM

My mom came two weeks after my son was born (my husband had those first two weeks off) and she stayed for almost a month. She was invaluable! I was nervous that a month was going to be too long, but at the end my husband and I both wished she could stay longer (we actually checked into changing her ticket). I couldn't have had anyone else but her do it though. I did not for one second feel that she was interfering, judging or butting in. She actually got up with me during every single night feeding and kept me company. It was amazing!

SnuggleBuggles

10-14-2009, 05:57 PM

Yes, our family came down in waves at the beginning. We wanted a few days just dh and I so my mom arrived when ds was about 3 days old. She stayed for 3 days. Poor woman took almost all of June off since I was due June 9th but ds didn't come till the 23rd and she had obligations at work. 3 days of her "help" was plenty.

MIL came after her and stayed 9 days. She was fantastic! Unobtrusive, helpful and able to give me lots of nursing advice.

Other family trickled in after that. I'd always panic when someone would leave b/c we'd have days without help but we always did just fine.

When ds2 was born we lived so close to family that no one stayed with us. they helped a bunch during daylight hours. It was nice with ds1 to be able to hand him over at 6am to a guest staying with us though!

Beth

AshleyAnn

10-14-2009, 06:44 PM

That would not be welcome at my house - at all.

If my parents or in-laws lived out of town and wanted to stay for 2-3 days a few weeks after the baby was born that might be okay. But to stay at my house when I'm just settling in to being a new mom? No.

:yeahthat:

I'm a big girl and I'm pretty sure I can manage to handle a newborn on my own. I would consider it if I were a single mom or something like that but I really think DH and I will manage to care for our child and ourselves without live in help. I can't imagine house guests (even those that help) while adjusting to parenthood. I think I'd rather just figure it out myself than constantly being shown a different or better way.

Melanie

10-14-2009, 06:54 PM

I'm a big girl and I'm pretty sure I can manage to handle a newborn on my own.
LOL, that is exactly what I thought, too! I didn't want anyone or think we needed any help. Now I wished we had asked for more than we did. Ours are local. ILs were no help, just came for a 'viewing' (eyeroll) but my mom came and did our grocery shopping once, and did one "hold the baby" session so I could nap. In retrospect wish I'd asked her come daily, for a week or so. More than that and I would wonder if it could prolong the adjustment period to being a new mommy. Having said, that a week so mommy can recover from a long arduous exhausting birth (my first - LOL) would have been really nice. With my 2nd I was all set up for people to come each day and by day 4 I wanted some time alone with my family! Their presence was amping up my usually-mellow 3 1/2 year old and I wanted them gone! Though my 2nds' birth was a piece of cake and I wasn't tired at all so I didn't really have the same need to just sleep, sleep, sleep as I did with my first.

As a first time mommy I think a week is reasonable so you can get into the swing of things without being on your own. Assuming your Dh has a few weeks off, of course.

Like a PPer said, it depends on how helpful they are. Are they the kind of guest who doesn't quite know what to do without direction so you feel like you have to help them, or will she jump right in and do what needs to be done without a gripe?

Good Luck!

sunshine873

10-14-2009, 07:29 PM

No. Unfortunately my mom died a few years ago. My MIL hasn't been to see us in 14 years and even her 1st grandchild wasn't enough to change that. :(

But, we were kind of a different story too. DD was 3 months old when she finally broke out of the NICU and came home. By then, DH and I had a pretty good idea of how to care for her. We did OK on our own (we were just so overjoyed to finally have her home with us!) Our friends all organized meals for us though, and that was invaluable.

I think everyone's different and it depends on you and your DH, the relationship you have with those that might come to help and what you both want for your new family.

Good luck!

vludmilla

10-14-2009, 07:37 PM

Nope. She didn't come and she didn't offer any help of any kind.

KrisM

10-14-2009, 07:45 PM

She came to visit for a couple hours at a time. With DD and DS2, she helped out with the older kids. But, no, she didn't just come and stay with us.

I don't think I would have needed help. My DH took a week or so off and that was enough. Plus, she has a full time job, so coming for a week is difficult.

g-mama

10-14-2009, 07:49 PM

No. My brother and SIL booked a cruise for the very week I was due to deliver and asked my mom to watch their 3-year-old (my niece). Granted, they did not know this at the time, but when I called to tell my mom I was pregnant, she told me they'd asked her just the week before. I was devastated and asked her and my SIL both to try to find someone else to watch my niece many times throughout my pregnancy. My mom kept saying, "it will all work out...first babies are always late..."

Well, he wasn't late. In fact, he was right on time and I ended up having a c-section, after pushing for 3 hours and breaking my tailbone. And then he had to be under the bili-lights for jaundice for a week in our home. He was colicky and cried from 3pm til midnight every single day for three months. My DH went back to work the day after we got home from the hospital and after my mom had spent a week at my brother's house, she had to get back to her job. I just wanted someone who knew what they were doing more than I did to tell me it was all going to be alright. My MIL was no help either.

I guess it did make me a very self-sufficient mom very quickly, though.

firsttimemama

10-14-2009, 08:10 PM

It really hurt my mother's feelings but I didn't want anyone staying with us those first 2 weeks (when DH was off work)

My mom came on week 3 and stayed one week. (DH was back at work)

elektra

10-14-2009, 08:14 PM

No. My mom is not physically capable of caring for me or my kids.
When DD was born DH took 2 weeks off and then I was on my own after that.
With DS, DH took two days off, and then I had our nanny help with DD in the mornings for 3 or 4 weeks.
If you want your mom there I would suggest having her come for 1-2 weeks, starting after your DH returns to work.

ThreeofUs

10-14-2009, 08:43 PM

It's a tradition in both sides of our families, but my mom passed away the year before DS1 was born, and DH's mom was too feeble to make it.

So we had 1.5 months of doula help after DS1 was born (36 hours labor, emergency C, a week in ICU/NICU for both of us - and I had planned on a natural birth!), and 1 month after DS2 (regular c).

I would have given my right leg to have my mother with me, helping. I'd say you NEVER know what's going to happen, and to accept any and all help gratefully. Even if you have the very best labor and delivery experience, and a sweet baby with no reflux or colic issues, you can concentrate on your babymoon or send your mom out sight-seeing.

Just don't forget to speak up if you want to hold the baby more! ;)

jent

10-14-2009, 09:32 PM

MIL came for about 1.5 weeks and did her best to help cook, clean, do laundry, and go grocery shopping. My mom, who though she tries to help stresses me out, came from out of town for 1 wk when DD was 1 month, and I couldn't wait for that visit to end.

I agree that houseguests, even those that try to help, stress me out. It doesn't help that our house is tiny, so you can always hear each other and mess and clutter build up easily. For a while after DD was born, we kept deflecting all houseguests b/c I really felt that they were more work/stress than they were worth. Now that I am back in control of my household, however, everyone is welcome... DD LOVES visitors.

Snow mom

10-14-2009, 11:55 PM

Figure out what she would be most helpful with and make sure you let her know what you need help with. Everyone loves to hold the baby but in reality you need people to go to the grocery store, do laundry, make meals, take out the trash etc.

I think this and personalities is the key to whether or not having your mom "help" will actually help. My mom was out of the country when DD was born but MIL came for the first three weeks. It was terrible. She was more trouble than she was help and it put a lot of strain on my relationship with DH and with her. Communicate your expectations before the visit. Everyone likes to hold the baby but what you'll need most is someone to keep your house in order and it's important for you to get to know the baby and the baby to get to know you. MIL wasn't helpful with tasks around the house and would complain about not getting to hold DD enough. DH had to spend time taking care of her rather than us getting additional help. MIL is the type that you can't even make friendly suggestions to without it blowing up so there was really no way to get what we needed from her. Anyway, that's just my long winded advice to think carefully about having someone stay with you. Also, you'll be learning to be a family of three so I think your DH absolutely should get an equal vote on when and how long your mom comes for (assuming he can and will take some leave.) Just make sure he knows that if he vetoes your mom staying he'll have to pick up the slack.

MoJo

10-15-2009, 07:41 AM

My mom came for a week, and it wasn't long enough. (She still works full time, so longer wasn't an option.)

She's out of state, so she came the evening after my water broke, which turned out to be the day before DD was born, and two days before I could be home.

It would have been more helpful if she hadn't come 'til we were home. . . although she got to see her 1st grandchild's birth, and I wouldn't want to take that from her.

My mom was great with cooking and cleaning, and mostly letting me figure out the baby. But she did help with the first home bath, which was great, because the nurses at the hospital gave all that instruction to DH only while I was still on the delivery table getting stitches.

I felt MUCH worse every time I'd spend time on my feet, and I wasn't allowed to go down stairs (to the laundry area in the basement.)

My DH was home too, but he was glad he didn't have to cook and clean. . . and then when he had to, I ended up begging for him to bring me some clean clothes I could wear. He was happy to run errands, buy groceries, etc.

I expect we'll do exactly the same thing this time, except that my mom & DH will help take care of DD too.

My ILs (out of state) have never visited, and they already have great-grandchildren, so another grandchild is nothing to them. They didn't even send a gift or a card to welcome DD.

I hope you can work something out that works for everyone involved.

SnuggleBuggles

10-15-2009, 08:00 AM

egoldber

10-15-2009, 08:08 AM

With my older DD, my MIL came for 2 weeks, my mom then for one week and my MIL again for 2 weeks.

With my second DD there was a birth accident and she did not make it. My MIL came and stayed for a month, and I really don't know how I would have survived that time without her there.

With my third DD I was put on bedrest and she was in the NICU. My MIL came during bedrest and took care of my older DD and then stayed 6 weeks after Amy was born. I needed her pretty much all that time and I consider myself a pretty competent person. ;)

Figure out what she would be most helpful with and make sure you let her know what you need help with. Everyone loves to hold the baby but in reality you need people to go to the grocery store, do laundry, make meals, take out the trash etc.

We had our issues, but overall my MIL was great and this is why. She did all the OTHER stuff and I took care of the baby. It really is a full time job and while some people may be able to swing it with no help, unless there are issues with family that make it an untenable situation, I do think that it can be wonderful as long as proper boundaries are set.

*My* mother was really not any help because she does not drive and my father was high maintenance (he is now dead) and she was really no help. I love her, but she was no help and only added to my stress level.

I can't imagine having gone through my three deliveries without my MIL's support. Having that relationship with her has been so important to us and to my kids. No, she isn't perfect, and is sometimes really annoying. But she is there when we need her. She recently flew in for two weeks to take care of my kids as a "nanny" because DH has work travel and we have not yet gotten our act together to hire an afternoon sitter/nanny. But she was more than happy to do it. My kids adore her and I am glad they will have these memories of time with her.

Melaine

10-15-2009, 08:13 AM

My mom came for some of the time I was in the hospital (I was there for a week) and stayed with me after I came home (while the girls were still in the NICU). I had to have someone to drive me to and from the hospital to see the girls (had a C-section). After the girls actually came home, no. She and/or my sister came a couple times for short visits but nothing much else.

cono0507

10-15-2009, 09:36 AM

Nope. I didn't want anyone staying with us at all. I tend to be the stubborn independent type though. :)

alexmommy

10-18-2009, 04:36 PM

My DH took the first week off, so the three of us could get used to each other. I'm glad we did that, b/c even though the first few days were rough, we knew we could make it on our own. I had wanted my mom out there ASAP, but DH insisted that we prove to ourselves we could do it. My DH is extremely helpful though. He became a diaper-changing pro in the hospital, cooks well, cleans well, etc.

When he returned to work, my mom came out for 2 weeks. That was very helpful--she cooked, did laundry, diapered, went grocery shopping (with our money in an envelope and brought back receipts), got up with me for early a.m. feedings. SHe and DH get along, mostly. My mom was careful to only do the things we had asked her to, and she conveniently got out of the house to go shopping some evenings after DH got home so we could have family time. I have a great relationship with my mom, however, 2 weeks was long enough.

THen my MIL came out for two weeks. SHe is a lovely person, and not in the way at all. She isn't a cook, but she did laundry, diapered, got up with me at night, cleaned. I cooked. It worked. It was delightful to have her there, however, by then I was feeling pretty good (I had an easy vag. delivery, and I have a pretty easy baby) and didn't "need" help by week 4. But I liked having her around.

So for the first five weeks, all I had to do was take care of myself, breastfeed baby, and, for the last two weeks, cook. I like cooking, so that worked out nicely. :)

If you have an "easy" delivery and easy baby, I'd say that you & DH take the 1st week or two (if he has time off) to settle into being parents without outside help/interference, and if he is willing to pretty much do everything except feed the baby. Then make sure you have help for the remainder of the first month, and then you'll be fine.

If you have a complicated delivery or colicky baby, you may want help for longer.

HTH!

truly scrumptious

10-18-2009, 07:17 PM

I consider myself a big girl but I can honestly say that it is darned nice to be able to take a nap when you are recovering from birth and know that your baby is being tended to. For both births, dh and I were up all night so he was just as exhausted as me. In those first few days after ds2 was born family would come over mid afternoon and we would nap. It was great! You don't realize how much you stay on alert and are unable to really fall asleep when you have a baby until you have a baby. That one little ear is constantly perked up, waiting in case baby needs something.

Beth

:yeahthat: That was us - DH and I were constantly exhausted from being up all night nursing, and during the day, too, jumping at every little peep the baby made! My mom came for three weeks and she was great. The most important things she did for us were:
1. Take DS for a couple of hours first thing in the morning so we could get some uninterrupted sleep. It was so great to be able to hand DS over knowing that she would wake us if anything important happened or when it was time to nurse, but otherwise we could sleeeeeeeeeeeep.
2. Cook, clean, laundry, basically keep the house running.
3. Manage our OTHER visitors - for example, she was in charge of answering the door if people dropped by unexpectedly, or politely telling people it was time for baby and mama to nap (hint hint: please leave) or answer the phone when we didn't feel like and give a million people updates on how we were doing. (In fact, we put her in charge of updating people while I was in labor, too, even though she was 1,000 miles away, because family and friends were driving us crazy with their calls - over 2 days of labor!)
For me it was great that it was my mom who came because she was focused on taking care of HER baby (me :love5:) too, so I got some loving mom care, and Dh wasn't overwhelmed trying to care for me AND the baby during my recovery.
We definitely had to lay down some rules for her - for example, she could give us advice on what to do about the baby, but DH and I made all the final decisions. This took a little adjustment, but it worked out well.
It definitely depends on your relationship and the circumstances, availability, etc. but I would say having someone (anyone you trust) around while you and DH are learning to be parents is a great help - just to keep the house running.
I would definitely agree with Snowmom that DH should "know that if he vetoes your mom staying he'll have to pick up the slack."
Three weeks after my mom left and I was deep in post-baby blues, DH called her and asked her to come back!

turtle

12-06-2009, 09:12 AM

Yes...my mom stayd w/ us for a good month-mainly b/c i had a very difficult pregnancy/delivery and had medical complications myself and needed to be taken back and forth to dr's appts,physical therapy etc once i got home-also wasnt aloud to drive for 6wks due to c sec-so i needed all the help i could get...she was great-helped w/ baby,straightening up the house,laundry etc and taking care of me...hubby stay'd home w/ us for about a week before heading back to work.

hellokitty

12-06-2009, 10:13 AM

I had a lot of prodromal labor and called my mom to come over thinking it was the real thing. She stayed for about 7 days before I went I finally had DS3, BUT it was so nice to have here there. I was so uncomfortable by the end of my pregnancy and she played with DS1 and DS2. She stayed until I got home from the hospital and then left. It was ok, b/c my DH was on paternity leave by then. It probably would have been nice for her to stay after I came home too, but she had already been at our house for a wk. My mom is helpful though, my mil is NOT helpful. So, I never let my mil come to stay to, "help," b/c all she'd do is drive me crazy.

DebbieJ

12-06-2009, 10:21 AM

When ds1 was born, we lived 2000 miles away. Each of our moms came for a week during the first month or so of his life.

I had a c-section with ds2, so my MIL came and stayed for a week. it was fabulous b/c ds1 is in kindergarten now, so her main job was to take care of him. She got him up for school every day, walked him to and from school, did dishes and laundry. I don't know what we would have done without her. We live nearby my family now, so they came and helped as needed. My mom and sister are both about 10 mins away. Plus our church brought us meals for like 3 weeks. It was awesome.

ormc

12-18-2009, 08:27 AM

Both my parents came after DS1 was born. My mom was a tremendous help, my dad took up space on the couch for 3 weeks! But my mom is the most self-less person I know. She pretty much made all the meals for us and cleaned up! And did her fair share of baby-holding/soothing. I was glad to have them, since I had milk supply issues and had to pump and supplement the first few weeks. It overwhelmed me and I think it drove me to have a bit of the baby blues. I don't think I could have done it without her, since DH didn't get any paternity leave and worked all day.

I too, never imagined I'd have any trouble adjusting. But I did.

My mom came when DS2 was born. We live in Japan now and she wasn't as much help in our Japanese house because she needed a lot of instruction on kitchen appliances, recycling/garbage issues, etc. But she did do a lot for me by helping take care of DS1 and letting me bond with the new baby. She stayed for a month and this time that was too long. I got used to having that extra set of hands and started to become anxious about her leaving. I think 2 weeks would have been perfect. But you never know what the situation will bring.

I say it can't hurt to plan for her to come, since you never know exactly how much help you'll want or need depending on how you're feeling etc. You can always have her back off the "help" if it becomes more of a hindrance for you by saying you want some practice getting used to doing things yourself.

jenandahalf

12-18-2009, 10:19 AM

Only you know how much of a help your mom is likely to be and how involved you want her to be in those first few weeks.

My mom doesn't have the first clue about caring for kids despite having 6 and there's no way I would have invited her, and no way she would have come. She's only seen my 6yo 2x in her life and hasn't even acknowledged no2's expected arrival in May. My ILs came to stay for a weekend about 2 weeks after my daughter was born but they didn't help at all, the most helpful thing they did was watch her one afternoon while we went out to restock groceries and baby supplies. They are planning to fly out next June when no2 comes but we are a lot further away now so they have to come for a week just to make it worthwhile. I said they can't come until a good month after my due date, which is when my oldest will finish for summer break. I couldn't be alone in our townhouse with them for a week otherwise.

My best friend however had her mom fly out on the day she was induced (planned), she stayed for the first 2 weeks then went home for a few days and then came back for another 2 weeks. She would not have survived otherwise, her mom had to literally teach her everything about a baby. Their house would have been in complete chaos without her mom taking care of meals and laundry etc.

I on the other hand felt pretty confident in my abilities as I am one of 6, the youngest of which I practically raised as she was born when I was 12 and my mom was more interested in being a student than a mom. My husband had never held a baby before but I thought he would figure it out and he did.

Kestrel

12-21-2009, 02:40 AM

My mother came for the delivery, and the five days after, then left for a few days (four, I think?), and came back for three more weeks.

I needed the help very badly; we were having serious breastfeeding supply issues and latch problems. DS went from 8lbs 15 oz to 7lb 4oz at the worst point... I could never have done it myself. If my mother wasn't such aa breastfeeding expert, I don't know how we would have gotten through it.

And, of course, when I was scared and depressed, there's nothing like having Mommy make you comfort food from your childhood...

chottumommy

12-22-2009, 01:14 PM

My mom (she lives in another country) came 2 weeks before my due date and stayed for 4 months after DS was born.My husband and I would have loved to have her longer. It was the best 6 months of our life. With both of us working, it was heaven sent to have a hot breakfast and hot dinner ready everyday and the whole evening left to just play and relax with the baby. My only job was to feed the baby and do laundry, my mom cooked and took care of the baby during the day and my husband cleaned the house and took care of the yard.

Especially with feeding troubles (my supply and baby's latch) I couldn't have done it without my mother. She knew exactly how to increase my supply naturally and how to adjust the latch.

And once my mom left, we had my MIL over for another 4 months. She is the most amazing cook in the world and we still have frozen dinners that she made and froze a whole 5 months after she left.

So yes, if you have a good relationship with your mohter, I think you should have her over. I never had to go without atleast 6 hours of sleep because there were 3 of us to care for the baby every day.

kijip

12-29-2009, 02:08 AM

My mom lived close to us when T was born and she hung out during the day and helped a lot.

When F was born last year, my mom was staying with us long term because she had just had major heart surgery necessitated by her lung cancer. It was wonderful to have her close but we were caring for her and the baby, not getting help. She died when he was 6 months old so I am glad we had that time. Even though she was not help per se, it was an emotional help to spend time with her and see her with the new baby. It was precious time.

larig

12-29-2009, 12:13 PM

my mom was here a week before DS was born and stayed until 3 weeks after he was born. She made sure I ate well, kept the kitchen clean, helped with laundry and other cleaning things. That allowed DH and me to have plenty of time to bond with DS and catch up on sleep. His parents came to visit 1 month after DS was born for a week.

I am an only child. DS will be her only grandchild, part of having her here was to make sure she had lots of time to bond with him herself. That was important to me. I understand not wanting people to interfere, but I am very close to my mother and wanted that experience for her.

HIU8

12-29-2009, 02:23 PM

When DS was born we were living with my parents and grandmother. Our house was being gutted and we could not stay there with a new baby. We were there for 3 months. HOWEVER, my mother did laundry and cooking and shopping. That's it. She did nothing for me and for DS unless I asked--I did ask at times and she did help (she didn't want to step on my toes as a new mom).

When DD was born she could not be here. Then my grandmother died when DD was 9 days old and my mom came back here (obviously for the funeral etc...and stayed with us b/c by then my parents had divorced). she stayed 2 weeks and did help with DD and DS.