Triggs: Need Idea to Help A Friend after Loss

[Indianamom2]

Long story short, I have a friend (two actually, the mom and grandmom) who lost their 5 year old boy last week. He had many, many health problems from birth, including severe CP and brain damage. Still, his death occurred during a rare "well" moment.

I would like to do something nice for them in the coming weeks, but I'm not sure what. Cooking isn't really going to work (they live close to an hour away from us) and I didn't just want to send more flowers.

Anyone have an idea of something that I could do? The funeral was today, and though I went to the viewing, I couldn't go because I had no childcare. I just want to do something, kwim?

Thanks for any ideas.

Christina

[Kitten007]

Oh my..... I am so sorry for your friends terrible loss. Don't have any suggestions but sending P & PT to the family. Thank goodness they have you as an angel to help them.

[BabyMine]

I am so sorry. P & PT to their family.

When someone else lost their child a friend organized people to give gift cards to restuarants who deliver food.

[JTsMom]

I'm so sorry- how very sad. :( I second the idea of restaurant gc's, or perhaps make a donation in their DS's name to their favorite charity.

[Ceepa]

That's very sad. I agree with meals and putting reminders on your calendar to check in with them regularly down the road.

[jse107]

I'm not sure if you are interested in this idea, but I'll throw it out. Do you have any nice picture of the child? Or could you get a nice picture? You could have a small portrait done of the child--many sellers on Etsy would do it for a pretty reasonable price. I think that would make a nice keepsake during a difficult time.

[MoJo]

I agree with the calendar reminder idea. In a few months, they will still want to talk about their DC, but most people sadly won't want to hear. I have a very close friend IRL who lost a child, and every time they try to say a sentence about that child to most people, the other person automatically shuts down, which breaks my heart for my friend. (This is something I've witnessed in person too many times to count)

If you happen to have access to lots of pictures, I've seen friends do absolutely beautiful electronic slideshows with music, just using pictures posted on facebook or similar. It becomes a video that can be played on a computer, or sometimes even a DVD player. Those are very meaningful.

Be sure to remember the DC's birthday/day of passing each year with a phone call/card etc. You know they will, and they will be glad not to be alone.

Finally, find out if they have a favorite charity. The people I've known in their circumstance have all had a favorite charity that helped them that they wanted to give back to. You could just give money, but in time they may want to do something more physically involved.

Thanks to you for being such a good friend.

[torontomom]

My DD passed away 15 months ago, less than 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer. She was 4.

A lot of donations were made immediately following her death to the local children's hospital and pediatric oncology research group. We did appreciate those donations but what touched us more were some donations that have been made in the months since. On what would have been her 5th birthday, a very good friend made a donation of books to the local childrens library. This was perfect because DD loved to read. It meant so much that she had put so much thought into the donation and that it was made in honour of my DD's birthday (which all too many people chose to ignore). Another friend donated a tree.

The most important thing is just to be there for your friend. Call her, send emails to let her know you are thinking about her. Understand that she might not have the energy right now (or in the months to come) to respond or talk, but that she appreciates that you are still there for her. Don't get frustrated if she doesn't respond. Don't expect her to be the same person she was. She won't ever be that person again. And don't expect her to stop grieving at some predetermined time. Some people think I should be "over" my DD's death because it's been more than a year but people I know who have been through this say that the 2nd year is often harder than the first because the shock has worn off and reality has set in. It's easier now to put on a front (at work for example), but the grief is still there.

Please continue to talk about her son. He will always be her son. Share stories and memories you have of him with her. If you have pictures which she might not have, make copies for her.

Don't be scared to acknowledge certain days with an email saying "I'm thinking about you today". Lots of people emailed me on the one-month anniversary of my DD's death. Very few acknowledged the 6 month anniversary or 1 year anniversary. Only a few people acknowledged her birthday. Someone told me they didn't know if they should acknowledge these dates because they were worried it would remind me or upset me. Believe me, we don't forget those dates. I dread the anniversary date every month. There is no way I am going to forget that date. Having someone else remember and acknowledge the date is somewhat comforting.

In terms of gifts, food and restaurant gift cards would help, especially if they have other children at home. The last thing I wanted to do was eat, but I had a 22 month old at home who needed to be fed.

I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could tell you to do or say to make her all better, but there isn't. Just continue to be there for her.

[egoldber]

:yeahthat:

Everything she said. The best friends I have are the ones who continue to remember and honor Leah.

[Jen841]

So sorry to hear of this loss. Very sad!

Ideas of things that have been done in honor of a friend's child (5.5 months old, SIDS Death)....
Had a star named after him
Honor his 'Angel' Day - the day he went to heaven
Add to the ladybug collection - there is a story I don't fully know
Talk to his parents about him
Sponsor his picture being up on the charity website we donated to for him
Remember them on his birthday each year
Charm for my friend's charm bracelet - angel with his birthstone
Willowtree Figure of a Mom holding a child
Gift certificate for a local nursery for plantings for the grave
Tree planting

For my Grandma we give her the money we find, we call them "Pennies or Kisses from Heaven" in honor of my Grandpa.

We have a picture of their child with our child on our mantel when they were babies.

I still get tearing thinking about it all. 6 years later it is still a raw memory for me.