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marie
10-22-2009, 06:06 PM
FIL & S-MIL hosts the family Thanksgiving every year. DH received this email from her this afternoon:

Hello DH & Marie, I am still sick from whatever virus the girls had when we were visiting. I had started getting sick on the 6th after our return. Probably helping them blow nose's, reading while they were sneezing, sleeping in the same bedroom all contributed. I've only been this sick once before, the month of August 08 when the girls had been sick. I'm on heavy duty antibiotics for infection that went to my left ear. Haven't been able to hear for a week. FIL is sick too but not as bad. I have a request to make of you. If the girls are sick with colds at Thanksgiving, would you consider not coming. I know you both just sluff off colds as a fact of life, but they certainly affect people differently. I just don't want to be this sick again. I hope you are not offended by this letter. I send a hug and my love. What's the story on the siding? love S-MIL

So, is she applying this condition onto others with kids? Will she be taking temps at the door like on airplanes in other countries?? Do we just assume we aren't going because what are the odds of having 2 healthy kids in November? Offended? hell, yes! WTF?!

thank you for listening.

and FTR, S-MIL & FIL are in very good overall health - no underlying medical conditions, compromised immunity, etc.

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

citymama
10-22-2009, 06:10 PM
WOW. That's grandmotherly love for you.

tnrnchick74
10-22-2009, 06:12 PM
I would be tempted to say that how can she be sure if was YOUR children who "gave" this to her. She could have picked up something as she was walking near all the sick people in teh grocery store.

And I think my kiddo would be sick at T-giving time...and I would HAVE to stay home. DARN!

g-mama
10-22-2009, 06:14 PM
Oh. my. gosh. Such drama. *I* am offended for you.

arivecchi
10-22-2009, 06:19 PM
OMG. I would be so tempted to send this response:

Dear MIL, thank you so much for the very generous invitation. I am fairly certain the kids will have colds for Thanksgiving, so I am letting you know in advance not to expect us. In fact, it is very hard for me to tell when they may have cold viruses on them, so you might want to get some of those suits that protect people from radioactive materials and we will then visit. Hope you are not offended by this tiny request. I would not want to endanger your life with a simple cold. XOXO, DIL

Just kidding of course, but I agree with you. WTF? What does your DH say?

MommytoEliana
10-22-2009, 06:20 PM
Oh, how annoying. I can see my MIL writing the same letter, and my BIL basically told us the same thing a few weeks ago: In a nutshell, "If your kids are sick, don't bring them around my family." Seriously? Do people not think that as parents we have any common sense? I'm sure if your kids were really sick you wouldn't be bringing them anyway! Maybe _she_ should practice good hygiene to avoid catching a cold. *sigh* MILs!

sidmand
10-22-2009, 06:35 PM
OMG. I would be so tempted to send this response:

Dear MIL, thank you so much for the very generous invitation. I am fairly certain the kids will have colds for Thanksgiving, so I am letting you know in advance not to expect us. In fact, it is very hard for me to tell when they may have cold viruses on them, so you might want to get some of those suits that protect people from radioactive materials and we will then visit. Hope you are not offended by this tiny request. I would not want to endanger your life with a simple cold. XOXO, DIL

Just kidding of course, but I agree with you. WTF? What does your DH say?

Okay, I know you were just kidding, but I like the first line. And I don't think it's so out of line with what she wrote (and yes, I am offended for you!). I would seriously send it:

"Dear MIL, thank you so much for the very generous invitation. I am fairly certain the kids will have colds for Thanksgiving, so I am letting you know in advance not to expect us."

deborah_r
10-22-2009, 06:47 PM
I would be tempted to say that how can she be sure if was YOUR children who "gave" this to her. She could have picked up something as she was walking near all the sick people in teh grocery store.

And I think my kiddo would be sick at T-giving time...and I would HAVE to stay home. DARN!


This. I am *always* amazed by people who are certain they know how they got sick, who they got it from, etc. I find these are often "black and white" type of people, who don't deal in maybes, if that makes sense. I'm a "many shades of gray" kind of person.

Sorry, OP. I would be hurt and offended by that email.

srhs
10-22-2009, 06:51 PM
I seriously CAN.NOT. pick my jaw up off the floor!

cono0507
10-22-2009, 06:54 PM
Wow. I'd be furious. I'd plan a wonderful Thanksgiving at your own home and skip her house this year. Ugh.

Cheburashka
10-22-2009, 07:08 PM
This. I am *always* amazed by people who are certain they know how they got sick, who they got it from, etc. I find these are often "black and white" type of people, who don't deal in maybes, if that makes sense. I'm a "many shades of gray" kind of person.

Sorry, OP. I would be hurt and offended by that email.

My aunt recently called my mom to complain about my cousin picking up chicken pox from my dad during an overnight visit. My dad had some sores on his back, his doctor thought it was an allergic reaction, but apparently my cousin got chicken pox. Here's the thing though - my dad wears a shirt all the time. So unless my aunt rubbed my cousin on my dad's back while he was asleep or my cousin went and rolled in his dirty laundry, how would she have caught anything from him? *facepalm*

I like ariveraz's response. I would probably cut and paste and email in it's entirety. But I'm a bitch about things when people start or and end with "no offense". Huge, huge, huge pet peeve of mine.

Melaine
10-22-2009, 07:08 PM
I'm flabbergasted and so sorry that you have to deal with that. That's just cruel, IMO. I'm just shocked anyone would be that mean to their own grandchildren! She is making it sound like they carry some mutated version of the common cold that she is particularly susceptible to. Good grief.

Twoboos
10-22-2009, 07:15 PM
Heh. Sounds like the same thing my MIL catches each single time she visits us or SIL. It's PATHETIC. I'm starting to think it's just the kids in general. :irked:

Your kids definitely don't look well to me, it's bound to last until T-day. I'd stay home.

I'm sorry OP. Some people are unreal.

niccig
10-22-2009, 07:48 PM
Wow. I'd be furious. I'd plan a wonderful Thanksgiving at your own home and skip her house this year. Ugh.

And every year. I'm serious. Don't go this year, and when she mentions you coming next year for either Thanksigiving or Christmas, say "oh, no that's middle of cold and flu season, and we wouldn't want to inconvenience you with a cold, so we'll stay home."

cvanbrunt
10-22-2009, 07:51 PM
Sounds like Thanksgiving is at home this year. What a piece of work. Make reservations at a nice restaurant and sit around in your pjs all day.

BabyMine
10-22-2009, 07:51 PM
I am stunned and pi$$ed at her and she isn't even my MIL. I would be inclined to let her know that someone in the house will always be sick so that visits from her need to stop. I think she believes your house is ground zero for all illnesses.

elektra
10-22-2009, 08:00 PM
Wow. I would feel horrible if my MIL sent an email like that to me. Hope you get together a well-worded response.
I would NOT be going.

g-mama
10-22-2009, 08:11 PM
Marie,

I'm curious what your dh's reaction is to this e-mail.

Melaine
10-22-2009, 08:13 PM
Marie,

I'm curious what your dh's reaction is to this e-mail.

:yeahthat:

JBaxter
10-22-2009, 08:26 PM
Marie,

I'm curious what your dh's reaction is to this e-mail.

Me to!

We would be unable to attend.

Cam&Clay
10-22-2009, 08:50 PM
I am horrified by this email. I would be so offended. It's like your kids are germier than most. My mother would be honored to get sick if it came from taking care of her sick grandkids. She'd consider it a badge of honor.

stella
10-22-2009, 09:00 PM
how about just

Dear MIL
Since we can't know at this point whether the children will have a cold or some sort of virus, we will honor your request and make other plans. We will miss you, but we certainly understand your position.

love, your family

Really. The audacity!

marie
10-22-2009, 09:01 PM
first - thank you all for your replies. I was so pi$$ed off, I could barely speak. now that the children are in bed, DH and I have had a chance to discuss. I must point out that this is his step mother -not because step parents are evil, just because I like people to know that they share no genes - but she has been his step mother (and only mother) since he was 8, so almost 30 years. Nothing particulary phases him anymore about her. He is also the most laid back person - he does not get mad (which is why I needed to vent here and feel like someone else was mad with me!). The strongest reaction he had to the email was "I thought it was pretty weak."

That being said, this is pretty much what DH is planning on writing back to her:



"Dear MIL, thank you so much for the very generous invitation. I am fairly certain the kids will have colds for Thanksgiving, so I am letting you know in advance not to expect us."

What we haven't determined yet is:

should he cc his dad? (we're not sure if he was let in on this plan or not - not really our place to get into their relationship, though)

should he get a bit snarkier and somehow point out that SMIL didn't really think this through? ("be sure to tell Aunt Susie she won't get to see us or the kids because of you!" or "oh! should we invite the Cousins to our house instead?"

*sigh*

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

marie
10-22-2009, 09:10 PM
My mother would be honored to get sick if it came from taking care of her sick grandkids. She'd consider it a badge of honor.

now, this is my mother - of course, she's a "need to be needed" type. LOL

My parents have, in fact, dropped everything to drive 8 hours to come take care of us when DH had pneumonia, DD2 was 8 weeks old and we all had something. Where were my in-laws during all of this? "We can't drive 1 hour to come help you because we are going to Jamaica next week and don't want to get sick."

*sigh*

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

StantonHyde
10-22-2009, 09:10 PM
I would be tempted to say something like, We know how kids are walking petri dishes, so would you like us to invite the cousins to our house?

yeesh.

sadie427
10-22-2009, 09:27 PM
I would cc his dad, because otherwise who knows what she will tell him? I would try to resist making any other snarky comments then. If I wanted to make other plans with other family I would just do it.

JBaxter
10-22-2009, 09:34 PM
Yes CC his dad with the original email quoted. THEN ( cause I can be a bitch) I would email everyone in the family letting them know you wont be around because SMIL doenst want your children around incase they have a chold.

hillview
10-22-2009, 09:48 PM
RUDE. FWIW, my MIL uninvited us to come visit her even though we had airplane tickets and PRE PAID hotel rooms. She uninvited us because England had H1N1 and she was worried my 100% healthy kids were going to catch H1N1 and give it to her. She does not have any significant health issues.

Enjoy a non-traveling holiday!

People are INSANE AND RUDE.
/hillary

traciann
10-22-2009, 09:48 PM
You know, My grandma is just like this. She really does have a harder time recovering from simple colds and stuff. So if my girls are sick, I know I don't even consider visiting. I will say she has seen less of us these past couple of months, but that is just how it is.

I am less offended by the statement, I would really take it as her just not wanting to sick. It sounded like she really didn't want to offend you. I would just let them know if your kids are sick and leave it at that. I also lost my MIL last december so I am also realizing how much I let situations like this bother me, and I am regretful of my actions.

WitMom
10-22-2009, 10:01 PM
If this was my MIL, I know what I would be doing on Thanksgiving and it wouldn't involve MIL. Actually, if it were my MIL, I could accurately predict that kids would be sick at Christmas, too. For that matter, I don't foresee them being healthy anytime in the next several years...

Momof3Labs
10-22-2009, 10:03 PM
Okay, I have to admit that the e-mail didn't tick me off; I found it rather funny because, as someone else pointed out, there truly is no way to know who you catch something from.


should he get a bit snarkier and somehow point out that SMIL didn't really think this through? ("be sure to tell Aunt Susie she won't get to see us or the kids because of you!" or "oh! should we invite the Cousins to our house instead?"

I wouldn't bother with this, but was thinking that you might want to mention to her that if any of her other guests think that they will be sick on T'giving (or her and FIL, for that matter), you would be happy to host them at your home!

MamaMolly
10-22-2009, 10:28 PM
I wouldn't add anything snarkier, though I'm tempted to suggest you add a line about the benefits of basic handwashing. And I *DO* think she meant to offend. Why else pout about having to share a room with your girls, and point out that the only other time she got sick was from *YOUR* kids in 2008. Just saying that she thinks she *might* have caught her cold from your kids is toeing the line of obnoxious, but she went WAY overboard IMO.

FWIW I'd send the 'so sorry we can't make it' email, I'd *certainly* CC FIL and I'd be sure to include HER email in your response. Now if you want to be a little b!tchy in return (she's earned it) then I'd CC all the other relatives as well, but that might stir up more drama than you want to deal with.

LexyLou
10-22-2009, 10:44 PM
I'd be livid and I would just not go for Thanksgiving. So rude. No one said she had to wipe their noses or sleep in the room with them.

bubbaray
10-22-2009, 10:54 PM
I would write back (or have DH do it) saying "Thank you for your lovely invitation. I am certain that the children will be sick for Thanksgiving and all other formerly family holiday gatherings from now until they graduate high school."

What a b!tch. Seriously. Who writes something like that???

ETA: definitely cc FIL and I agree with Jeana -- cc all the other family members too. sMIL started the drama, she can wear it. Where is the witch smilie when I need it?

g-mama
10-22-2009, 10:58 PM
It's just way too much. I mean for God's sake... such detail! "reading to them when they were sneezing", "sharing a room" and quoting the specific month and year of the last time they made her sick as if she'd documented it on her calendar. Please.

My MIL wrote to me on Facebook last week when all of us had H1N1 and said, "I'd come and bring chicken soup but I don't want to get sick myself!" That's fine. I understand. My mother, God rest her soul, would've come anyway, but whatever. But had she dredged up past stories of when that had, in fact, happened to her, including the specific interactions w/ my children that caused the transmission from them to her...and provided dates? That would piss me off and just be over the top.

hellokitty
10-22-2009, 11:05 PM
I wouldn't add anything snarkier, though I'm tempted to suggest you add a line about the benefits of basic handwashing. And I *DO* think she meant to offend. Why else pout about having to share a room with your girls, and point out that the only other time she got sick was from *YOUR* kids in 2008. Just saying that she thinks she *might* have caught her cold from your kids is toeing the line of obnoxious, but she went WAY overboard IMO.


:yeahthat: My mil has insinuated before that she got sick from my kids. Well, she is ALWAYS sick throughout the entire winter. Part of the problem is that other than when she uses the bathroom, she NEVER washes her hands! It drives me nuts (esp when she is handling food and SHE is sick and I am afraid she will pass it on to us), and I quite honestly DO believe that one of the main reasons she gets sick so often is due to her own poor handwashing habits.

KBecks
10-22-2009, 11:06 PM
And every year. I'm serious. Don't go this year, and when she mentions you coming next year for either Thanksigiving or Christmas, say "oh, no that's middle of cold and flu season, and we wouldn't want to inconvenience you with a cold, so we'll stay home."


I like the way you think. I am so sorry your MIL is giving you such crap.

I would be tempted to ship her a case of Purell.

Perhaps you and your family should become allergic to Grandma.

I'm so sorry you are getting such BS nonsense from family. Ugh!

MontrealMum
10-22-2009, 11:16 PM
OMG. I would be so tempted to send this response:

Dear MIL, thank you so much for the very generous invitation. I am fairly certain the kids will have colds for Thanksgiving, so I am letting you know in advance not to expect us. In fact, it is very hard for me to tell when they may have cold viruses on them, so you might want to get some of those suits that protect people from radioactive materials and we will then visit. Hope you are not offended by this tiny request. I would not want to endanger your life with a simple cold. XOXO, DIL

Just kidding of course, but I agree with you. WTF? What does your DH say?

LOVED this response! Hazmat suits for everyone. Of course, that probably won't solve anything, but we can hope :) I would certainly be *scheduling* sickness for all the major holidays here on out.

I think your SMIl truly meant to offend. Gosh, in my family the g-parents are happy to help out and be around all little folk when they're sick in most situations. It's usually DH and I that cancel or decline out of fear that they'll get sick too. They understand that life is germy, in general. I mean, my mom volunteers in an elem. school and MIL volunteers in a hospital. I don't know what I'd do about your FIL - that really depends on the relationship. But honestly, I might have your DH make a little phone call, or you might drop some hints - you've really got to gauge that one yourself. I don't think I'd just do the Cc on an email. I'd really head that off at the pass. Honestly, DS was sick every two weeks last year, and it looks like it's every 3 or so this year. Mind you, DH goes out into the world too (I am WAH) and brings stuff back so it's entirely possible that's he's the vector this year, not DS. Really, if your SMIL doesn't have any specific, special health issues - like my FIL who's been in the hospital for 3 months now- I don't get this. :(

vonfirmath
10-22-2009, 11:19 PM
I would respond saying you were afraid you would not be able to make it at Thanksgiving, but nothing more.

You don't really want to burn bridges with family that you don't have to.

See how things shake out. You've always got the opportunity in the future to say no to future get-togethers even if you don't rule them all out right this very minute.

ChunkyNicksChunkyMom
10-22-2009, 11:24 PM
Personally I would fire off something snarky, then regret it the minute I hit "send". Honestly, my seventy yo mother has caught poison ivy from my kids, babysat when we thought we had swine flue etc etc. I guess I need to give my own mom more credit! Sorry for your angst! Ugh!!!

infomama
10-22-2009, 11:32 PM
Holy crap...what a terrible email. It just got worse and worse. There is no way in heck I would go there for Thanksgiving. I would tell her you wont be attending and leave it at that...I bet the brevity will kill her as she seems like one who goes on and on about things.

I don't have a clue why she felt she needed to outline all the places she may have gotten sick (wiping a nose, reading a book)...very odd behavior.

LarsMal
10-22-2009, 11:35 PM
Wow- just wow!

I don't have anything to add- I like the email suggestion, and would definitely cc FIL.

I'm just wondering how I can put this bug up my MIL's butt so she un-invites us to Christmas...can you somehow cc my MIL, too?!?! ;)

Reyadawnbringer
10-22-2009, 11:41 PM
[QUOTE=g-mama;2511241]It's just way too much. I mean for God's sake... such detail! "reading to them when they were sneezing", "sharing a room" and quoting the specific month and year of the last time they made her sick as if she'd documented it on her calendar. Please.
[QUOTE]

:yeahthat:

I was thinking the exact same thing. She is in for a pity party.

And see the thing is, I am so passive agressive when crossed like this that I wouldn't do what others have said and send the email back saying we won't be coming. I would GO anyway. Then I would make a point at every turn at the get together to insinuate that the children *MIGHT* not be well, but that you couldn't possibly miss seeing everyone. I would get a sick pleasure outta watching sMIL squirm all night wondering if DC were going to get her sick. I would ALSO start the rumor that sMIL seems to spread an illness to DC's whenever she comes to visit... :tongue5:

Yea, I am bad like that. But, with an email like that I would feel justified. :hysterical:

Rainbows&Roses
10-23-2009, 12:28 AM
Well I can see where you would be ticked off, but honestly, I can see her point. She could have said it more tactfully however. And if she is worried about being infected, it should apply to all attendees.

I do not like when people bring their sick kids to family events, regardless of whatever holiday it is. I plan on sending out an e-mail to family before thanksgiving and christmas finding out if they are sick as we will not go this year if they choose to come as I will be in my 3rd trimester and cannot get sick. Should I have to punish my DD and keep her away from holiday events because they are choosing to come with their sick kids? IMO, no, but I will.

People should keep their sick kids at home and be more conscious about infecting others. That is one thing I am thankful for in regards to this swine flu hysteria is that people are more aware about germ spreading.

So while I think you have a right to be offended, I would try to see things from her point of view before firing off any nasty e-mails.

HannaAddict
10-23-2009, 01:15 AM
My husband just laughed and said he would be like "thank you, thank you, an out" and I had the same response. It is totally offensive and bizarre email, and I would be mad but also relieved and plan on my own T-giving festivities. I'm the one who doesn't want to take my kids places when they are sick, and I don't appreciate finding out my in-laws have raging colds or the flu, but don't tell us and want to be all over our kids. I'm sorry you have to put up with this treatment, plan something wonderful for your family.

niccig
10-23-2009, 01:41 AM
I don't take my DS places when he is sick, but if you plan to visit, and he's sick in the middle of your visit, then you might get it too. To me, it sounds like S-MIL visited and the kids got sick, and she got it too. It happens. Or maybe it wasn't the grandchildren that passed the illness to her, maybe it was the store clerk at the grocery store sneezing on her. But to blame the kids is taken it to far. They didn't mean to get sick. She didn't have to stay in a house with sick people, she could have left.

And as for having a crystal ball and knowing a month out if the kids will be sick or not, well yeah, let me go look that up. If we only had to drive 1 hour, I could call you the day before and tell you that DS is too sick, but as we're flying 3 days beforehand, I don't know if he'll wake up sick or not on Thanksgiving Day.

TO the OP, I wouldn't go this Thanksgiving. Enjoy it at home and when SMIL gets a cold from someone else, she won't be able to blame you or your kids.

MCsMom
10-23-2009, 02:21 AM
I don't know what's worse, your MIL's email or my MIL insisting we stay with her at her house even if she had the SHINGLES at the time and DD was still too young for the chicken pox vaccine.

If I got an email like that, however, I would GLADLY miss Thanksgiving at their house and have a nice one at home :)

deborah_r
10-23-2009, 02:40 AM
I would respond saying you were afraid you would not be able to make it at Thanksgiving, but nothing more.

I would **really** consider this if I were you, JMHO. As someone pointed out, all those dramatic little details were way over the top. I'm hearing "martyr" here, and if you respond back with snark or anger, she will just martyr that all up too...just think how many ways she can twist that she just wants to not get sick and you got mad at her for it.

A simple one line that says you will not be able to make it will probably drive her more crazy than anything else you can send. Don't take the drama bait!

deborah_r
10-23-2009, 02:50 AM
I do not like when people bring their sick kids to family events, regardless of whatever holiday it is. I plan on sending out an e-mail to family before thanksgiving and christmas finding out if they are sick as we will not go this year if they choose to come as I will be in my 3rd trimester and cannot get sick. Should I have to punish my DD and keep her away from holiday events because they are choosing to come with their sick kids? IMO, no, but I will.
People should keep their sick kids at home and be more conscious about infecting others. That is one thing I am thankful for in regards to this swine flu hysteria is that people are more aware about germ spreading.

I'm curious about this. If you were to only get together with family once a year at Christmas or Thanksgiving, because of everyone living far apart, would you really want to shut people out of it because they are sick? And what about when people are first sick and do not have symptoms? You can't prevent that. Also if you travel, eveyone might start the trip healthy, but by the time the evnet comes someone may be sick, but you've already travelled all that way, so what do you do? It seems like every year at Christmas when we get together someone either is already sick and it spreads, or no one is sick to start of with, but somehow it develops. But I cannot imagine banning people due to illness. So if my kids were sick, we'd just wait til next year to see everyone? I can't imagine this.

Melaine
10-23-2009, 07:33 AM
I'm curious about this. If you were to only get together with family once a year at Christmas or Thanksgiving, because of everyone living far apart, would you really want to shut people out of it because they are sick? And what about when people are first sick and do not have symptoms? You can't prevent that. Also if you travel, eveyone might start the trip healthy, but by the time the evnet comes someone may be sick, but you've already travelled all that way, so what do you do? It seems like every year at Christmas when we get together someone either is already sick and it spreads, or no one is sick to start of with, but somehow it develops. But I cannot imagine banning people due to illness. So if my kids were sick, we'd just wait til next year to see everyone? I can't imagine this.

:yeahthat: I also can't imagine telling my children who have been looking forward to the holiday that they can't go because of a runny nose.

To Rainbows&Roses, I do see your point a little, but a pregnant woman or an infant being protected from the swine flu is a far cry from an otherwise healthy adult specifically asking her GRANDCHILDREN to stay away for the holidays if they have any kind of cold. I just can't fathom it.

blisstwins
10-23-2009, 07:51 AM
She absolutely meant to offend. That no offense stuff was totally gratuitous.
I would also refrain from snarkiness so she has no ammo and this does not escalate. She will tell everyone she was so sick and was just trying to protect herself and your FIL and yadda yadda. I would send a note that said, "Hope you feel better. I understand your wishes and we will plan not to attend on Thanksgiving." She's a jerk.

hellokitty
10-23-2009, 08:58 AM
How about this? Write her back and say that you won't be attending Thanksgiving at her place, b/c you're afraid that SHE willl infect your kids and THEY will get sick. Give her a bit of her own medicine, and tell her that in the future you'd appreciate that she not come over when she is sick.

carryingandstrollingabout
10-23-2009, 08:59 AM
At the risk of getting flamed, I'll support the opposite view...

We have an arrangement w/ my parents that if anyone of us is sick, especially the kids, we postpone even a major event. They have gotten too sick at their age, too many times, to keep getting sick because they got together with us. Our colds are worse for them, and it is antibiotics and a week (or more) of sick for them. They can't take it anymore, and I understand.

We have the opposite situation with another branch of the family. We have frequent large get togethers. Someone is always sick and comes anyway, because it would simply be tragic not to have everyone there together. I've been sick on most of my business trips, because I pick up flu, stomach flu, pink eye, etc. etc. etc. every time we get together. I'm really worried about Thanksgiving with H1N1 going around. We've had very little exposure where we are, but the chances of alarge holdiay family gathering without someone having H1N1 is unlikely. I kind of wish if someone knows a family member is sick, they would not get together, but that's not how the culture is... We went with freshly diagnosed strep once, because to not go because of strep wouldn't have worked, so everyone just had to deal with strep exposure, and they were all fine with that.

So some people just can't deal with catching germs if someone else knows they have something and would rather not get together... And families with young kids pretty much have something brewing most of the time. I'd MIL her some slack.

MamaMolly
10-23-2009, 09:33 AM
We have the opposite situation with another branch of the family. We have frequent large get togethers. Someone is always sick and comes anyway, because it would simply be tragic not to have everyone there together. I've been sick on most of my business trips, because I pick up flu, stomach flu, pink eye, etc. etc. etc. every time we get together.


I'm not, not, not flaming here, I think the arrangement you have to postpone events in case of illness makes a lot of sense. I can see it working with my ILs but never my family, the Nexus of the Dramatic Family Universe. But I need help seeing the difference between traveling while sick and working while sick vs. visiting family while sick. Is it that there is less 'choice' about work related germ sharing? (you gotta work but you don't have to visit?)

marie
10-23-2009, 10:36 AM
At the risk of getting flamed, I'll support the opposite view...

We have an arrangement w/ my parents that if anyone of us is sick, especially the kids, we postpone even a major event. They have gotten too sick at their age, too many times, to keep getting sick because they got together with us. Our colds are worse for them, and it is antibiotics and a week (or more) of sick for them. They can't take it anymore, and I understand.



Can I assume that your arrangement came about in a much more tactful manner, though? I guess that's what really has me steamed - not just that she suggested it but did so in her signature tactless style via email, no less.

i forwarded the email to a very good friend and she has already extended an invitation to us to spend Thanksgiving with her equally germy children. Not sure if we'll take them up on it or just stay home.

I'm leaning toward replying (well, DH) with a cc to FIL with nothing terribly snarky. (though i have considered sending her a box of masks!)

wow - that holiday angst starts earlier every year, doesn't it? :rolleye0014:

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

sste
10-23-2009, 11:00 AM
I think there is a difference between let's all postpone the event but of course celebrate together . . . and we will be celebrating without you and your kids.

Really though, I think this email is a Gift! You now have what so many of us long for - - the perfect excuse for celebrating thanksgiving in your own home with your own little family!

plusbellelavie
10-23-2009, 11:56 AM
Really though, I think this email is a Gift! You now have what so many of us long for - - the perfect excuse for celebrating thanksgiving in your own home with your own little family!

:yeahthat:Look at it as a gift and it might take the sting out of her email a bit for you! I think she handled it incorrectly and it is unfortunate but LUCKY you to have a way out! Plus I think she will be very disappointed in the end when you don't show up with the kids to celebrate but she will have only herself to blame!

Enjoy Thanksgiving with your friend or by yourselves...look at it as a way to start a new tradition!:wink2:...this year you lay it on thick about how much you enjoyed Thanksgiving together as a family and are looking forward to doing it next year again!!!

Hey BTW if you can't see them at Thanksgiving if you have a cold you can't see them at Christmas or all winter for that matter either because it is even more likely to have someone sick then! Awww shucks MIL so sorry...see you this Spring!!:D

mommylamb
10-23-2009, 12:33 PM
Oh, I'd have to write back with something snarky. I like ariveraz's suggestion. However, I also want to point out how offended I would be over her comment that you and your DH just sluff off colds and it's no big deal, but that they're so terrible for her. Maybe you and your DH are just grownups and don't b!tch about it when you get a little sick. I find that so offensive that she would dane to say that she knows how you feel when you're sick and that she feels worse. Last time I checked, no one has the power to crawl up into your body and truly understand what you're going through when you're sick.

maylips
10-23-2009, 12:48 PM
It's just way too much. I mean for God's sake... such detail! "reading to them when they were sneezing", "sharing a room" and quoting the specific month and year of the last time they made her sick as if she'd documented it on her calendar. Please.


That's what gets me about her email. If she truly didn't want to offend, she could have just written that she's been sick - even say she hopes the girls are feeling better because she would hate it if they still felt like she did.

I hope your DH is not so laid back that he'll be nice in that email. I don't mean being snarky, necessarily, but just saying "I'm pretty sure at least one will be sick so please don't expect us" is good.

karenj2
10-23-2009, 12:50 PM
That email was both funny and offensive in the same breath... Our family is the opposite - we KNOW that when we get together for Christmas, we're spreading a cold - in fact we call it the Christmas Cold. Everybody gets tissues and a little container of Purell in their stockings, too.

It doesn't matter - everyone always ends up sick anyway. Granted, when my grandmother at the age of 93 got horribly sick after Christmas, it wasn't as funny, but I would think that a woman who is generally healthy should be able to withstand the common cold...

gatorsmom
10-23-2009, 12:51 PM
I don't know what she's like when she's healthy but she sounds sick and grumpy and looking for someone to blame. Looks like she's pointing her finger at your family.

If it were me, I wouldn't go, healthy or not. Because even if she is feeling better, it seems like hard feelings will still be there and she needs to get over them or your family is not going to have fun at Thanksgiving. And even if your girls are in perfect health but she comes down with something after Thanksgiving, she'll probably blame your family again. But, if you aren't there, she can 1)miss you and wish you were there and 2) come down with an illness and blame someone this time.

If I were you, I'd send an email back right away and let her know that you can never be sure that the girls aren't carrying some sort of bug so it's best you don't come this year. Wish her a Happy Thanksgiving and be done talking about it. And then you can start making some fun plans for just your litte family!

alexsmommy
10-23-2009, 01:11 PM
how about just

Dear MIL
Since we can't know at this point whether the children will have a cold or some sort of virus, we will honor your request and make other plans. We will miss you, but we certainly understand your position.

love, your family

Really. The audacity!

Unless she is immunocompromised in some way, this would be my response.
You are not going to change her, and there is no reason for you to spend energy being angry about something you can't change. I'd make other plans so that I was not worrying about the kids getting sick and I'd be sure to let her know what a lovely time you and your healthy kids had - too bad she chose to miss out of the company of her grandchildren.
Does make me wonder if she realizes you can be very contagious 24 hrs before showing symptoms so the girls could seem perfectly healthy and still "contaminate" her.

veronica
10-23-2009, 01:17 PM
I just saw this thread and feel horrible for you.

Echoing the many replies of not going. I would CC your Dad.

It pains me to read that she blames your children for her sicknesses.

All I could think of was that she darn well better have washed and sanitized her hands when handling your DC's as infants! otherwise, I'd be replying "I completely agree with not attending Thanksgiving this year for fear of spreading germs. I remember DD getting her first cold after your visit in Aug. 07, when you held her without washing your hands" ;)

AngelaS
10-23-2009, 01:26 PM
You should submit her letter to the Awkward Family Photos blog. Google it--it's hysterical and that's exactly the kind of letter they'd post. And reading there will cheer you up.

I'd plan to skip Thanksgiving.

AnnieW625
10-23-2009, 01:36 PM
People do stupid stuff when they are on antibiotics or sick. They don't think straight because they are miserable. If you are generally in good speaking terms with her I'd CC the father on the email response. Who knows maybe he had no idea that she sent it. Also I would ask if a similar message was sent to DH's siblings. I would state that you would really like to go, but would only like to attend if the rest of the siblings/normal guests are there too, but you honestly can't gaurantee a month in advance that your kids will be healthy at this time so if the RSVP is needed now then decline. The last thing I do at the holidays is be in the middle of problems so also look at how they will think about this if you don't show up and your children are fine. Just my .02. Good luck!

Also at least you were given a months notice. If we lived in the same city or driving distance from my MIL she'd call us 20 minutes before we are ready to leave and tell us not to come.

truly scrumptious
10-23-2009, 01:55 PM
How about this?

1. Send a short response now with your regrets for not being able to join them for Thanksgiving.

2. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving at home, or with friends or wherever. Take lots of pictures.

3. Send FIL and MIL pictures saying since the DC missed Thanksgiving with them this year, you thought they might enjoy seeing pictures of the DC's Thanksgiving celebration.

4. Leave it to them to decide if they want to be left out of future celebrations with their grandchildren because of their rule. If so, their loss.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

mommy111
10-23-2009, 02:52 PM
Host a T-day party for everone with 'sick' kids. Assuming she said this to other people in the family with kids, I think they will have a response similar to yours and be looking for alternative ways to spend thanksgiving

SammyeGail
10-23-2009, 03:43 PM
I have just read this also and am so sorry you had to get that from her, I had first thought of the hazmat suits as PP mentioned, LOL. Now you know what to get her for Christmas! My DH works in the industry, I'm sure he can get one discounted.

Also one for the PPer in her 3rd trimester of pregnancy who would tell anyone in her family not to come if they are sick, I'm sure they come in XXL. You'll be nice and safe from everyone.

My thing about her mssg is that she mentions she felt sick 6 days after the visit. 6 days later!?! That just throws me off totally. I'm no expert, but if she has bathed, not reworn dirty clothes, how could she not get symptoms until 6 days later?

Anyway, I am just so sorry. I honestly would be glad to get something like that from a family member, (yes, I would be offended, but I would have an out!) I haven't heard from anyone in months but my Dad, he knows nothing about a Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. We aren't planning to go anyway, as of now, some people said crazy things after my mothers passing (not me! not giving anyone any ammo!) and I just don't want to deal with them, plus the 4-5 hour drive there and back. I am not saying I don't love my sisters and brother, neices and nephews, I do and miss them so much, but everyone has gone their seperate ways, with me living what they consider 'far away' no-one really kept a connection with me but my oldest sister. Now she won't return my calls, I guess she got miffed when I said it (very kindly, I am passive) did offend me, as a mother with a son with autism, when she constantly complained about how aggrivating her special needs students were. I just had to finally stand-up to it one day, kwim? I'm not whining or playing 'martyr', I just personally feel like the 'black sheep' right now. I know I'll get a call/email 3-4 days before telling me time and place, but geez, give us a break. I need some time to prepare myself emotionally to deal with my siblings, LOL!

Killing with kindness can be a very amusing approach.

Dear MIL,

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. I am so sorry you have gotten such a bad cold and an ear infection. You must feel just terrible! It is so sad when things like this happens and we have to take antibiotics. I am however bewildered (is that a good word?) how a virus could affect you on the 6th day after your return, but of course I am no expert.

Unfortunately, I cannot predict if the girls will be sick with colds at Thanksgivings. If you feel you may possible get an illness from a family member at Thanksgiving, a special holiday for families, for bonding and making memories, I will sadly have to respect and honor your request. Since we are in the position that we will not know if the girls may happen to have a cold, that we would like to make plans for Thanksgiving, not at the last minute or be dissapionted at the last minute, we have had to make the hard decision to have our own Thanksgiving at our home. I hope you are not offended by this. We will miss the event at your home and seeing everyone deeply, but want to respect your request.

Also something to consider, if you feel you are at a health risk by visiting your precious granddaughters, you could get some medical mask or we could get some for you before your visit. They can be very effective! No one likes feeling sick, not even little girls.

Sending a hug from me and the girls (opps, maybe I shouldn't! LOL) and love back : ).

Hope you have a speedy recovery and a wonderful Thanksgiving,

Marie

I could be more creative with time, maybe leave the sending a hug, opps maybe not part out, LOL, (ok, and the medical mask suggestion, I'm irritated for you!) but you get the idea. She can't really complain about your email if its worded alot like hers, kiwm?

If she is taking the anitbiotic Avelox, some of the severe allergic side effects can be: hallucinations; confusion; mood or mental changes (eg, new or worsening anxiety, agitation, confusion, depression, nervousness, restlessness, sleeplessness);

I had this, but no hallucinations! The confusion, agitation and moodiness made me a nightmare to be around, so she may have an excuse! Unless she is usuallly like this....

So sorry and Have a Happy Turkey Day no matter what!!

Samantha

Tondi G
10-23-2009, 05:16 PM
Dear MIL
Since we can't know at this point whether the children will have a cold or some sort of virus, we will honor your request and make other plans. We will miss you, but we certainly understand your position.

love, your family


This sounds good to me. I think she would be getting a box of medical masks and purel for christmas too!

BelleoftheBallFlagstaff
10-23-2009, 06:14 PM
I would be livid! I would tell her to stick the Kleenex that gave her the cold where the sun don't shine....

marie
10-23-2009, 09:52 PM
You should submit her letter to the Awkward Family Photos blog. Google it--it's hysterical and that's exactly the kind of letter they'd post. And reading there will cheer you up.

I'd plan to skip Thanksgiving.

I love that site! great idea! heehee

DH decided that he should not cc FIL (i disagree). Here is his reply:

Hi sM,

I'm so sorry to hear you're still so sick! What a bummer. I had an ear infection a while ago, and it was no fun at all. I hope the antibiotics do the trick.

I can understand not wanting to risk getting sick all over again so soon, so if you don't want us to bring any germs to Thanksgiving, we can make other plans.

With the girls passing germs around and all the germs that come home from school, it's more likely than not that at least one of them will have a cough or stuffy nose on any particular day. They both do today, and they have for weeks, unfortunately. Just part of having a kid in school, I guess...

We'd rather have firm plans or make a nice dinner at home than end up getting stuck with nowhere to go and no celebration dinner if DD1 or DD2 has a cold.

It'll be sad to miss the party, and please tell everyone we hope to see them on Boxing Day.

The clapboards are ordered, and I've found a few people to help, blah blah blah...

Love,
-DH

"Boxing Day" is FIL's family gathering held sometime after Christmas. It is held at the home of DH's uncle - a lovely, warm, gentle soul who would always welcome us and our children.

A PP asked about DH's siblings - his brother lives in CA and he and his wife do not want to have children (it is emails like this that makes my BIL say "and that's why I moved to the other side of the country"). sMIL has two children of her own - her son who she is estranged from and her daughter who has no children and usually avoids family gatherings. so, it's pretty much our kids. . .

thanks, again, for all of your thoughts, input, and outrage on my behalf.

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

tnrnchick74
10-23-2009, 10:02 PM
Sounds like a perfect email...pretty much told her that the kids will be sick and you won't be there! BRAVO!

veronica
10-24-2009, 07:09 AM
Great reply! Now focus on being able to freely enjoy your holiday as a family.

My suggestions:
Baste the Turkey with boogers
Cough the spices on the mashed potatos
Lick the crust on your pie before servings
HUG AND KISS EACHOTHER ALL DAY

SammyeGail
10-24-2009, 10:56 AM
That was a very well written reply! Good for you and DH!

Samantha

marie
10-24-2009, 11:46 AM
My suggestions:
Baste the Turkey with boogers
Cough the spices on the mashed potatos
Lick the crust on your pie before servings
HUG AND KISS EACHOTHER ALL DAY

WHERE did you get my secret recipe?!?!
:ROTFLMAO:

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

cestkaren
10-24-2009, 03:47 PM
Your SMIL could be extra cranky from being sick, but I don't know her or her intentions. I would just e-mail back and say you can't make it, like other PP have said. If MIL gets sick from other family members, at least you won't be to blame. I'd think of it as a gift! My MIL won't even hold my son if he had diarrhea earlier in the day. I'm like good, I'll hold my son. And now I have an excuse for other times. Honestly though, my parents and ILs are in their seventies and I don't what them sick. My IL live very close so not seeing them every now and again is not a big deal. If plane tickets were involved, as with my parents, the visit would continue; everyone would be warned, though.

As for the PPer who thinks a women in her third trimester should wear a hazmat suit - OMG (and that's the nicest think I can say)! Pregnant woman are at greater risk than the general population for H1N1. If I were pregnant, I'd take extra precautions, too.

rgors
10-24-2009, 05:49 PM
I thought this was a pretty good reply! Hooray for DH. I also think FIL should have been copied, like you.

I am amazed at the original email, but I have to say - going to get flamed I am sure -- I am APPALLED at some of people's suggested replies!! This lady is a grandmother to your kids and further her husband is the grandfather to your kids. While they may not be fulfilling their role very well right now, that relationship is still to be respected and preserved for the future needs and desires of your children. If you reciprocate her tactlessness and create a chasm in family relationships, while it might feel good for you now, at some point (imho) it will be damaging for your children. When they are older it will matter more.

Some people are socially oblivious. In reading the original email, I actually tend to think she is socially oblivious and thus tactless; not that she is malicious and thus tactless.

almostamom
10-25-2009, 12:24 AM
Personally, I would email her back and say something like, "Oh, didn't I tell you, we had already made plans to be with (fill in the blank) this Thanksgiving" and zap any control or power she thought she had in the situation.

Keep in mind I'm irked at my own parents after their visit today, so I'm not feeling terribly nice.

Linda

JBaxter
10-25-2009, 08:09 AM
I was just checking to see if she how she responded

SammyeGail
10-25-2009, 07:58 PM
I thought this was a pretty good reply! Hooray for DH. I also think FIL should have been copied, like you.

I am amazed at the original email, but I have to say - going to get flamed I am sure -- I am APPALLED at some of people's suggested replies!! This lady is a grandmother to your kids and further her husband is the grandfather to your kids.

Some people are socially oblivious. In reading the original email, I actually tend to think she is socially oblivious and thus tactless; not that she is malicious and thus tactless.

Hi! I just wanted to say I wouldn't 'flame' you at all! I think the Bitching Post is for us to give and recieve alot of 'that was so unfair for you' support and we each give it in our own way.

We don't know her sMIL personally, what kind of person she usually is, but when someone gets a hurtful email like that, some mamas suggest responses that are very sarcastic, rude, etc., its kind of like helping the OP vent, or venting along with her. When something really crappy happens/is said there is a response you *wish* you could say, but you know you really can't say it.

Other mamas offer their support by giving their opinions of a reply, the things you *wish* you could say. Its all support, not to be taken completely serious.

Hope I made sense and you understand :). OP and her DH know how to handle the sMIL, but that was a hurtful email and if something like that happened to me I would want to put it in the Bitching Post too!

Sam

VClute
10-25-2009, 10:43 PM
I'm just testing to see if I can type things in bold print, too, and be as cool as Sam.

ps - I, too, was amazed at the brass pair your MIL has - and good for you and your DH for taking the high road. But I wish he had cc'd FIL.

DrSally
10-26-2009, 12:12 AM
Wow, I'm just reading this, but the tone of her original letter is so accusatory and blaming.

marie
10-29-2009, 08:02 AM
well, SMIL never replied to the email but DH finally spoke with FIL. The first conversation, FIL wasn't quite filled in on the whole situation (well, duh - you didn't CC him, DH! ever notice that DH and duh are very similar? :D). They spoke again and FIL said that they would rather have us at Thanksgiving than not and that one of the little cousins will be there and SMIL thinks that the kids should get a chance to see each other. DH thinks it is a classic example of his SM not thinking through the whole scenario (sick or not - she can be pretty dense about stuff). I agree but would add that there is a heavy dose of just thinking about herself in most of what she does (and SSIL agrees!).

I do like going to DH's family T'giving because I really like his extended family. Also, it means us traveling close to where we moved from and will get to visit friends who I miss terribly.

i am dreading talking with SMIL. not sure how that will go. . .

marie
mama to
DD1 9/03
DD2 12/07

g-mama
10-29-2009, 09:07 AM
I wanted to say earlier but forgot...I read your MIL's original email to my dh and he said, "That's nuts. But I can totally see my mom saying that, too."

At least he is honest about his own mother's obnoxious ways and not defensive of them, LOL!