Mean girls at school :-(

[citymama]

My DD and this other little girl have been in the same daycare together for nearly 2 years. She is the closest-in-age girl to DD and they've been BFFs practically since the beginning. As of the past few months, the BFF is starting to push DD away and has befriended some older girls (BFF is a few months older than DD). DD is feeling rejected, but keeps trying to get her BFF to play with her. BFF will do so when the big girls aren't around.

Unfortunately, now the other little girl has started to do mean things to do DD, and DD doesn't really say anything back. Most of it revolves around clothes - at age 3.5!!!!! If DD is not dressed in head-to-toe pink, BFF makes fun of her clothes and tells her to take them off. If she wears long-sleeves, the same thing. BFF has made DD take off her light pink tights because they were the wrong shade of pink, told her she can't wear sneakers, jeans, anything in blue, anything with long sleeves... So DD will only wear short sleeved bright pink dresses to school. (She has 2.) DD is turning somewhat neurotic with this push-pull and getting dressed for school is turning out to be a traumatic experience.

As I said on veronica's thread about a similar topic last week, I can't get over by this pre-teen mean girl behavior among 3 and 4 yr olds! The worst was yesterday when (former) BFF and her coterie of friends each scratched DD, supposedly because she was wearing purple (according to DD). The teachers acted immediately, and are very responsive to any physical harm or hurtful behavior, but I guess there isn't much they can do about one kid telling another what to wear. (We haven't talked to them about this though.)

I am definitely nostalgic for my child hood in school uniforms - now I know why those worked so well!

We've tried to get DD to make other friends, but the problem is the other kids her age are all boys, the younger girls hold no interest, and the older ones are MEAN!

I guess it could be worse, but I'm wondering if anyone has any BTDT advice. I've become friendly with the BFF's mom - should I mention anything, gently? Should I talk to the teachers? Or should we be focusing on DD, trying to boost her self-esteem and try and get her to not care as much about the rejection? And how do we do this? Thanks for any advice.

[niccig]

Talk to the teachers. One boy was getting teased for having a pink strip in his polo shirt, and once the teachers were told, they were on it.

I was just at talk about friendships, and the psychologist called this mean behaviour "social aggression" and that she goes into pre-schools to give in-service training to teachers etc. I think the teachers need to know, and there's things that they can do to help.

I would also talk to BFF mother - the two of you are friends, you can work together to make this situation better.

[egoldber]

but I guess there isn't much they can do about one kid telling another what to wear. (We haven't talked to them about this though.)

You absolutely need to bring this to their attention. There is a LOT they can do about it, but only if they know exactly what is going on. This is the prime age where a kid who is heading in the direction of becoming a bully can be taught new behaviors.

The teacher needs to separate these girls and have (age appropriate) talks with the class about tolerance. It really can make a difference.

[veronica]

First off-huge hugs to you and DD :22:.

The school needs to be aware of this, and I am surprised they have not come to you and the other girls' parents. Especially since the behavior is escalating and that is what most alarms me-if they have not yet noticed, they need to know and act. The teacher needs to be aware of this too-your poor DD will/is developing a disdain for going to school and that definitely needs to be addressed.

What is the timing of all of this? Do the other girls talk this way to your DD all day? If so, it sounds as though there may be way too much "free time" in class. They are at the age when they can have structured activities that would not allow such things to occur without the teacher noticing (story time, music time, coloring/crafting, outside, etc.).

Thankfully, my DD wears uniforms. But, having noticed these behaviors at the same age and coming here for help, it is heartbreaking to hear your DD's experience and I hope things get better.

I will surely be thinking of you and hoping for a positive outcome.

[AnnieW625]

Thank goodness we haven't run into this yet. I bet your DD's BFF has an older sister or something that talks like that to her and BFF thinks she can talk like that to others too. I'd let BFF's mom know about as well as the teachers. Good luck and hugs to both you and DD.

[C99]

In my experience with three and four year old girls, alpha girls come from alpha moms. There is a great book called odd girl out or something like that that talks about how junior high cattiness really starts in early elem and in some cases in preschool. Maybe those kids read Purplicious one too many times?

[StantonHyde]

We had some issues in DS's class with boys and clothes--what kinds you could wear, what colors etc. (this was 4 year olds) The teachers were ON it. They sent a letter home to parents that was really well worded about letting kids be individuals while not putting other kids down etc. I was quite impressed. And they worked very hard to foster that kind of environment in the classroom.

[Wife_and_mommy]

In my experience with three and four year old girls, alpha girls come from alpha moms. There is a great book called odd girl out or something like that that talks about how junior high cattiness really starts in early elem and in some cases in preschool. Maybe those kids read Purplicious one too many times?

Interesting. We're having a similar experience with a classmate of DD's. Thanks for the book rec. I put it on reserve.

[citymama]

You absolutely need to bring this to their attention. There is a LOT they can do about it, but only if they know exactly what is going on. This is the prime age where a kid who is heading in the direction of becoming a bully can be taught new behaviors.

The teacher needs to separate these girls and have (age appropriate) talks with the class about tolerance. It really can make a difference.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. After a couple of good days at school, DD cried for a full hour before leaving for school today, because DH was dressing her in the dress she was teased about last week. (Her purple Hanna playdress for crying out loud!). She basically would not wear anything other than her Love to Twirl dress becase the other girls like that dress. And LTT was covered with blueberry juice in the laundry hamper. Luckily we found a pink twirly skirt that worked but it was a traumatic morning for all.

Anyway, so DH talked to the teachers about it when he dropped her at school - the pressure she was feeling from BFF and other girls about what she wears. The teachers said they had no idea this was going on, and that they would be much more attentive to it. I think some it is overt and some is fairly subtle - every day her BFF shows DD some new dress or sparkly shoes or princess purse she has, and it sets DD off. And when she tries to do the same thing "Do you like my dress?" the BFF and her coterie frequently say "No!" or "It's ugly" and things like that. (How are these kids not quite 4 yet????)

Re the comment about BFF's mom being an alpha female - well, her mom may or may not be an alpha female, but she is very into clothes and appearance. I'm not. My DD is something of a tomboy and I think partly the pressure to be girly is what's getting to her and confusing her. "Why is it OK for me to talk about dinosaurs at home but the girls at school don't want to hear it" kind of crisis. DH requested the teachers to engage DD in more structured activities (art, in particular) at the times of day these tensions typically break out (usually in the morning).

In the long term, I think we will do better in another preschool that fits with DD's imaginative play/animals/science interests than this daycare which happens to have a preschool class. We are planning to move house in the next 4-5 months, so this is likely to happen anyway.

Anyway, that's our preschooler soap opera update for the day! Thanks for listening.

[dogmom]

The teacher CAN do something about it. It is our assumptions about the basic unfairness of the human condition that let's us tolerate this behavior in such young kids. There is a great book by a teacher who, while making up those class rules for kindergarten class "You can't say you can't play." It challenged the basic assumption at age five kids already have that it is OK to tell some kid you cannot play with us. Guess what, the kids still had fun and the social structure did not fall apart like some would think.

http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/PALYOU.html

[mamicka]

well, her mom may or may not be an alpha female, but she is very into clothes and appearance.

Which is why I cringe inside when I see grown women so into fashion & things. Kids notice everything.

[hbridge]

At 3 and 4 we noticed the girls were really into complimenting each other. EVERY morning the converstation would be filled with compliments "I like your bow", "I like your shoes", "I like your shirt"; it could go on for 10 minutes! I guess this is the flip side of that! Ugh, how to deal? Give the teachers a chance and then you may need to address this with your DD's BFF's mom.

We went to a VERY small, loving, playbased preschool where any rumblings of this would be put to a stop immediately. That being said, I did witness my DD tell another she couldn't "play with them". Um, no, I put a stop to that.

The biggest problem with this type of behaviour so young is that it become acceptable. Even if DD's BFF doesn't feel that the purple dress is ugly, she thinks it's acceptable and even a good thing because others say it. You may try telling your DD that what she likes is more important than what others think. That being said, the physical scratches HAVE to be stopped immediately.

Best of luck, this stuff is so tough to deal with. I try to empower DD to deal with these things on her own, but sometimes the teacher need to help with the words...

[tmarie]

I would ABSOLUTELY talk to the teacher, and then to the director of the school if you don't see improvement after that. Then leave it up to the teacher as to whether or not to discuss it with the mom. My dd is 4yo and I just chaperoned a field trip yesterday. These kids wear uniforms, and STILL, several of the girls were bragging and showing off their new sparkly shoes or frilly tights. My dd is pretty well dressed and it made me rethink how I'm going to deal with her and clothes. It is depressing how caddy girls can be, even at this age! :( Hugs to your dd. I hope it gets better very very soon!

tmarie

[cono0507]

This makes me so sad and so worried about what is yet to come for my 2 year old DD. Even with uniforms, I was still tormented by the mean girls in school, but that didn't start till 4th grade for me. That this is happening to girls as young as 3 is heartbreaking. I haven't yet been there yet but I will follow this thread to see what kind of solutions people come up with and how this turns out for you. :(