What to do about daddy rejection--DD says she doesn't love daddy!

[goldenpig]

Hoping to get some BTDT and advice. My 2 year old daughter has always preferred me and rejects her daddy. We both work, but I spend more time with her when we're home and often times he watches her mostly when I need a break or have to go to a meeting or am working late. She was breastfed as an infant so I went to her most of the time when she woke up at night. She is still nursing but we have cut down to 2-3x/day and not during the night, so when she gets up at night (yes she still does several times a night, but that's another BP) we take turns going to her. She always wants me though. She always says things like "No daddy no!" or hits him when he goes to her. He does spend time with her during the day, but she often prefers to do things like play Starfall on the computer or watch TV with him rather than one on one interactive play with him. He gives her baths at night but I put her to bed. I think DH would want to spend more time with her if she wanted to be with him more. But she always prefers to be with me if we're both around, and cries if I leave her with DH. And a lot of times when he talks to her or asks her questions, she just ignores him.

Another problem is that when we get together with other couples we know (her playmates and their parents), sometimes the other kid's father will be silly with her, make faces etc. which she loves and then she starts calling the other guy "daddy". Ouch! DH is more the serious type so he has a hard time acting silly, it's just not him. But she is smart enough to know who her daddy is so I don't know why she says this other than to hurt DH.

She has gone through several phases of intense separation anxiety every few months and seems like we're in another one. This weekend we all went to a conference that I was attending and she would get really upset every time I left her to go back to the lectures. She threw major tantrums and poor DH couldn't do anything to calm her down (the only thing that worked was letting her watch TV). She got upset even if I left for a few minutes to go to the bathroom. She was also getting up several times during the night, asking to nurse and throwing huge tantrums when I said no, hitting and kicking both me and DH. So it was not a very fun weekend.

Compounding this problem is the fact that she is rarely spontaneously affectionate with him...she'll only hug or kiss him or tell him "I love you" if I make her. Like if she wants to nurse at bedtime I make her say goodnight to DH and give him a hug and kiss first. She does it very quickly and then turns away and says "Mommy milk?" so it's like she's only doing it to get what she wants. She's more affectionate to the nanny than my husband. And this weekend, she started refusing to hug or kiss him even when I asked. DH kept asking her "Do you love daddy?" and she would say "No! I love mommy, I love grandma, I don't love daddy!" My DH is very sensitive to feeling rejected by her--he feels extremely hurt and it makes him want to not be with her at all. DH is an only child and got a lot of undivided attention/adoration growing up, so I think it's especially hard for him.

So what can I do to stop the daddy rejection and when (if ever) does it get better? I keep waiting for the "Daddy's girl" phase to kick in, but it never seems to come. What if she's always like this? It's hard to just say "Just have him spend more time with her" because then she keeps doing or saying mean things like that, and it makes it worse (for both of them). With another one on the way, I either need her to start accepting him so he can take care of her while I take care of the baby, or else I'll have to let him raise the baby. I keep hoping maybe a boy will like daddy more, and wonder if I should do things like not BF him as much and use bottles so he doesn't get so attached to me. Help, I feel so bad for DH...she really knows how to hurt his feelings. How do you deal with strong preferences for mom over dad, especially when DC is mean to him?

[niccig]

I have a boy and he likes me more than DH, so don't count on a boy bonding more with your DH.

I'm a SAHM, so DS, who is nearly 5, has spent more time with me than DH. I BF, and I did all the night wakings, he wants comfort from me when he's hurt, and he follows my directions more than he does DH's directions. All of this is because he's with me more. BUT, as he's gotten older, it has gotten better. DH and DS do more together.

All I can suggest is that she does spend more time with him, which probably means you have to leave the house. I've also noticed that if DS is hurt/upset and I'm not in the room, I don't go to help. If DS asks me to tie his shoelaces, and I'm busy with something, I tell him to get DH to do it. DH can handle these things. Both DS and DH have gotten in a habit of me doing it for DS. I think maybe your DD is the same. Your DH already does bath, so maybe choose one more thing that you always do and have him do it. Then add in more over time. You might want to wait on bedtime routine for a bit and work up to that.

As for DD saying 'mean' things, I doo think she's to young to know what she is saying. I think she knows she gets a reaction from it, so she keeps saying it. DS has said the same thing to me when he's upset that he didn't get his own way. I calmly reply with "I know you're frustrated/angry/upset. I will always love you".

Hugs to your DH, it's not fun to have DC 'reject' you. DH says he knows why DS prefers me to do things, but he still gets frustrated, especially when DS won't follow his directions. I have told him it's because DS KNOWS I will follow through with a consequence, and that's something that DH has to work on.

[doberbrat]

I think all kids go through this w/some degree. dd will say it to both of us in fact trying to get a reaction.

for us, what works is making dh responsible for her. So, in the mornings, she is his. if she wants pancakes for breakfast, tv time, her vitamins whatever 'fun' she needs to talk to him about it. I help her potty in the am, hug her and pretty much walk out the door on my working days. for consistancy sake, she's still 'his' in the am when I'm home.

I also try hard not to rescue him - if she has a tantrum, cries, gets hurt, I dont rush in and save the day. I try hard not to get involved in their conflicts/discipline. I will quietly offer suggestions later or if she cant hear but we present a united front.

and I do also encourage him to play, hug, kiss etc.

and now that dd's figured out that daddy is the fun one, she likes him alot better. he's the one who sits and plays on the floor w/her. he takes her to the playground and bike riding.

IOW, it will get better.

what is important btw is for dh to NOT express frustration with it. its not personal, its just a phase. my dh took the rejection very very personally. I had to point out to him everytime dd would say, No I dont want mommy, I want daddy. so he'd realize it wasnt personal.

[Seitvonzu]

ugh. i don't know what to tell you-- it's really hard when the baby prefers one parent. around here, despite me being a SAHM my lucy really is a daddy's girl . just this morning she was refusing to get out of bed and kept saying "daddy home." um. no. he's at work. he was home for several days after being away on a trip and everytime he would leave the room she would freak out. she CLEARLY wanted to be with him all weekend. she wasn't mean to me about , (not really, i mean how can a 22 month old be mean?) but she would say "no!" to me doing things for her...

i spend much more time with lucy than my husband does. i'm the primary caregiver. he does help alot, but he also treats her differently. it borders on spoiling...and we're working on it. since lu was a baby we've called her "the queen" and it literally means that her feet don't touch the ground when daddy is around. she didn't walk until 15 months, probably because of this extreme pampering! ;) he also hates to see her upset in any way. this weekend she was sick-- he was on the hook for ANYTHING SHE WANTED. i'm more easily put out by things like that. i take care of her, but i'm not so worried that she won't be happy or as was the case this weekend that she wouldn't eat, that i go nuts giving her options. he does. it's not bad, but as she gets older, she's learning that this can be manipulated.

sorry, i'm rambling with no advice. i think the thing to remember for your DH is to not take it personally when the baby says she doesn't love him. when i ask lu questions like that, my dh points out, rightfully, that i'm setting her up to hurt my feelings. for example i'll say "who do you like more, mommy or thomas (yes, the train)?" and she'll say THOMAS!!! it doesn't feel good...but i KNOW she loves thomas. he's new and novel and her little engine is her favorite toy (she treats it like a doll, not a train engine :) and when i say other things like "give momma a hug" or "do you love momma?" she sometimes doesn't do what i want her to do just because she is asserted that she has control over the situation. she has me on the ropes and she loves it! but it's not about not loving me, it's about control ...just like everything to an almost two year old and my independant girl.

your daughter loves your husband. i think probably the best thing for him to do is relax. even though it's hard, he needs to try to be less affected. that's the best way with my girl. i think it's like feeding issues-- don't make it a power struggle- cause the two year old will fight that. nonchalance. right... i need to take my own advice! :)

((personally i'm hoping if we ever had a little boy he'd be a mommy's boy ;) so no help there for your situation!))

[vonfirmath]

If it helps? My 2-year old son calls any lady "mommy" I know he knows I am his Mommy -- the one responsible for him, etc. But he doesn't seem to have in his head what to call adult women other than "mommy" -- and he's very affectionate. So he'll go grab onto a stranger lady's legs and say mommy!. We just keep redirecting and telling him I'm momma, dad's at class, or whatever. Your child DOES know the reaction they get and can do certain things for the reaction. But I would not take anything too personally. Just treat it as a point they need more training on.

[sste]

We have the same issue and (guiltily) I have to say I sometimes enjoy being the subject of so much DS adoration. At least until I need to do something or DH's feelings get hurt.

I agree about it being a stage and the getting a reaction stuff. But, I also have noticed a great improvement directly following DH spending a chunk of time alone with DS. For us, DS and DH spending time without me there has been the key. DH now goes on some sort of little outing with DS each weekend (sometimes as simple as the grocery store of coffee shop, often to the park). And DH rearranged his work schedule so he picks DS up at 3:30 from daycare every Monday and they spend the afternoon and early evening together until I get home. We have noticed real improvements and DH is thrilled.

[mominmarch]

I have been a long time lurker on this board but really wanted to respond to your thread b/c we have BTDT a lot recently. My daughter will be three this March, and while she was not breastfed, was also very pro-mommy in the middle of the night, and the rest of the time too.

Here are some steps we took last summer that might or might not help:
1- as other posters suggested, you need to leave the house and leave Daddy in charge. If my daughter knew that I was there, in the house, she would cry and scream and be mean all in an effort to get me back there. It was a control mechanism... not a real hatred of Daddy, but a way to control the players in her life. She wanted mommy and she would do whatever she could to get me. A hotel/conference is a hard place to do this, too many new things. But at home, you have to pick some times and just make it not an option, I think you have to leave. For us, I finally went out of town for a few days for work. This did WONDERS for DH and DD. In fact now I hear "I love Daddy" in response to me saying that I love her.

2- DH needs to think of some ways to be inventive on his silliness. For us, my husband's thing with our daughter is to have full blown parties with all of her stuffed animals. Only daddy soes this. Our DD begs me when I am home alone with her sometimes to do this and I play up the game "What?? Mommy doesn't know how to do that. Only Daddy knows the secret party message to tell all the animals". She laps it all up, gets the stuffed animals all ready in a line for Daddy when he comes home, and he will devote 5-7 minutes to start it. It is their "fun things". Your DD is also getting to an age that she might like matchbox cars. Mine is obsessed with them. This is also a Daddy thing. Sometimes when I leave them and she cries, he says "let's go buy a new car" and she is sold. Hook line and sinker, that is his special thing.

3- I never breastfed so I don't know how that aspect works. But it is my husband who always gets to take my daughter out to icecream... i.e. they have special food time things that never involve me (basically because I am trying to lose weight). It becomes a bonding thing for them. Consider thinking of some yummy things that they can do (maybe a candy store trip).

Most importantly, all is not lost, and I really think in our circumstance, it was 100% control, not a dislike of the person. It is just that she gets a reaction from her behavior, so she plays it up. Now I am thrilled with the change and the daddy-favoritism that happens. And... we also have a nanny, and that's a bond too, so I know how you feel there too.

[ThreeofUs]

You have certainly described a hard situation, but pp's have good advice.

As your DH spend more time with your little one, here are two issues for you to consider:
1. How much affection does your DH show your DD? Is she up in his arms all the time? Was she watching TV while cuddled up to him? If he's very serious, he might not be getting enough "press-flesh" time, and this (as I'm sure you know) is extremely important to building relationship with little ones.
2. Can your DH come up with a set of "play" behaviors - raspberries on the belly, tickles to the hands, finger games, or other more gross-motor behavior like hide-n-seek, etc. - that your daughter would enjoy? With food and physical affection, play forms the third leg of the stool of relationship building.

Our house is full of yummies (all healthy, whole grain, organic). DH is all about yummies and our boys know Daddy always has - and is willing to share, especially for hugs and kisses - something good to eat. In fact, this was how he trained our DS1 to be physically affectionate. Bribery worked for us, and works with training animals, so might work for you, too! ;)

GL!

[roobee]

Most importantly, all is not lost, and I really think in our circumstance, it was 100% control, not a dislike of the person. It is just that she gets a reaction from her behavior, so she plays it up.

Seems a little like she's getting what she wants here. With stuff like this I tend to be pretty hard core and not so much into how DD feels. Like if she's crying because she wants a glass of water and DH brings it to her, then cries because she wants mommy instead that's too bad - it's either daddy with water or no water. I'm probably mean, but I don't have time for that type of nonsense.

[crl]

I'm a SAHM and DS has pretty much always preferred me. He's 6 now. It is much less intense now that he's older. Here's how we've handled it:

1. We never ask things like who do you love. It would just set DS up to hurt someone's feelings and that seems unfair to all of us. We also try not to force hugs and kisses, though DH is more prone to doing that than I am.

2. When DS was smaller we set up that only daddy did certain fun things with DS. For example, DS loved waterbabies. So DH and DS went on Saturday mornings (while I got the house all to myself!). After class, they would go to McDonalds--a place I never took DS--and get a treat. DH also did things like take DS for a walk to 7-11 and buy a klondike and then walk to the park to watch the pick-up basketball game while they shared the treat. DS loved to watch the b-ball and, of course, he loved the ice cream treat. Again, this is something I never did with DS. So they had some fun activities just for them to bond over. Also it was key for us that these activities were away from the house. It meant they couldn't just watch tv and it meant they weren't on "my" turf, if that makes sense.

3. DH has been great about not taking this personally and I think that has really, really helped. I've seen other families where the dad gets hurt (understandably!) and I think the kids really pick up on it and it creates a feedback loop where the kids reject dad even more.

Good luck!
Catherine

[Tanya]

My daughters learned that Daddy is FUN. He's the one they can play rough with. He'll get rub burn on his knees crawling around the family room like a horse so they can take rides. He'll throw them in the air and catch them, let them climb all over him, etc.
While I can get in some tickle fights, etc., I'm wimpy and just can't and won't do the things he does.

I'm the one they typically go to for comfort though and out of habit, even if Daddy is standing right next to them, they will go find me in the house to ask me for something. When he is home, I try to tell them to go ask Daddy a lot. Or, I just say "Daddy's turn!!!" to get them some milk or to help the 3 year old go potty. We've even broken the habit of me being the one to lie down with the 6 year old at bedtime. Daddy does it more often than I do now. He also has more patience for her trying to read than I do, so that works out better for all of us.

Yes, sometimes you just need to get out of the house and leave them together. My girls have learned that that means playtime or they get Daddy to watch a Disney movie with them. I'm not as likely to sit down and watch a movie I've already seen a million times. While I'll let them watch it, they don't get ME like they do him and they love that.

So, sometimes it stinks that Daddy is so much fun and I get the tired, sick ones. Ha ha! You just can't win. Dh gets frustrated that the little one only wants me at bedtime, but the older one was the same way. We gradually work on it here and there.

Tanya

[mamicka]

I think you just have to ignore it. She doesn't mean it & doesn't even understand what it means. The more you pay attention to it the more she will do it. If it continues & she gets old enough understand that it's hurtful, you can explain it & it will probably help.

I think the hardest thing is getting Dad to not take it personally. It sounds like he is not really confident in his 'Dad' behaviors & that's why this hurts. It honestly doesn't really mean anything. This has happened to almost every parent I know at some point, no matter what 'kind' of parent they are - the fun ones as well as the serious ones. I think Dad needs to spend more time with her to get his confidence up & build a better relationship - not because of your DD's behavior but because he seems insecure & he needs more practice.

[MommyAllison]

I think you've gotten a ton of great advice. Both my kids do this to both DH and I from time to time, I think it's just a normal part of growing up and learning about relationship dynamics. DH takes DD on "dates" sometimes, as others have mentioned. They'll go get ice cream, or to the hardware store (she loves it). He took her to Burger King once for breakfast (she'd never been there) and let her play in the PlayPlace (we never go to fast food, so this was her first time) - she loved it and talks about it all the time. He takes both kids to the park regularly in the summer, without me so I can run errands. DH can be very silly and crazy, and plays chase and lets the kids ride on his back. He lets them climb in laundry baskets and zooms them around the house. He also reads DD books and plays her make-believe games with her (these are her favorite things). The older the kids get, the easier it is for him to do stuff that both he and they enjoy. Don't give up!

Also, I just wanted to say that I wouldn't try to BF less or give more bottles to make the next baby bond differently with your husband. Every child is sooo different, and your DS could be wired very differently from your DD. We did everything the same with my DS, and he was equally happy with DH from the beginning. (DD was more of a mama's girl and much more high maintenance) He always preferred men to women as an infant. If not for nursing, I think he would have had very little use for me at times. ;)

Oh, one last thing. It's really, really normal for toddlers to call all adults mommy/daddy. When babysitting DD's friends, they would call me mommy, even though obviously they weren't mixing me up with their mom. It will sort itself out as she gets older.

[dogmom]

How physically affectionate are you to your DH? I ask because I found that I usually wasn't physically affectionate, cuddling, kissing, etc. with my DH with my kids around. (Probably had something to do with 2 kids and a dog or two between us on the couch.) I usually save it until they were in bed. I realized this was not the modeling I wanted for my kids and now need to consciously remind myself as chaos is swirling around me before dinner, etc. to give my husband a hug or so I love you. It's tougher than I thought to accomplish. (PDA are way down on the getting dinner ready checklist.)

My DD does this ALL the time to her Dad. He usually then attacks her with "tickle spiders" or chases her around the house now, so it's turned into a game. It can be a phase, but I think there are many ways that mothers unconsciously insert themselves between their kids and their husband, so I think it is a good thing to look at any behavior you can change to create a different dynamic.