How to talk about money with S/O

[MmeSunny]

I am really trying to be patient with DP, but I'm tired. For a lot of reasons, we need to move. Not this year, but next. I'll be finishing a degree and should get a huge raise (teacher).

I come from a middle class background. You make your money work for you.

DP did not. Dad worked two jobs, was never home and Mom never worked. Plenty of Christmases with no presents.

We cannot get on the same page about moving. After five years, I've talked her into moving, but now that I'm starting to look at houses, she's freaking out. Said $125K was way too much and blah, blah, blah. Huge fight. Starts going on about what happens if one of us dies, how to pay etc.

Well dear, that's what life insurance is for, etc. There's no talking her down.

How in the world do I get her to see that moving is a huge step up and NOT a road to bankruptsy?

[sariana]

moving is a huge step

Notice the cut I made to your statement. Are you sure money is the issue? Moving involves a lot of emotions and is about more than finances. Maybe something else is bothering her about the move.


After five years, I've talked her into moving

See, I re-read and found this statement. I think something else is going on here.

Good luck getting to the bottom of things. It's always difficult when people who love each other are not on the same page.

[infomama]

Maybe you need to find a mediator who can help her see your side and be comfortable with the proposed changes. Perhaps a financial planner or even a life coach.

I know someone who is a marriage coach and she tells me that people come to her saying, "we are getting divorced because of money." She replies...."no, you are getting divorced because don't know how to communicate/talk about money".

Communication is key to every matter in a relationship...without solid communication skills, it's just a matter of time before the floor falls out beneath you.

[citymama]

I saw your post on the BP and I hear you. Have to get out of the shoebox while you can, esp. with housing prices as low as they are.

Is that the main area of tension b/w you and your partner? Or is this one of many? I personally wouldn't let one thing push me into an "I'm moving out" situation. Is there more going on - would you consider couples therapy to help work it out?

How about doing some of the math for what buying a $125K home would mean for your expenses - monthly payments v. existing rent, tax benefits, proximity to work, school, etc. Showing her a spreadsheet like that could help.

DH and I are also wanting to get out of our shoebox rental and buy while the market is down. It's still such a tough thing to wrap your head around as a life-long renter - plunking all your savings into this one thing, and that too in the earthquake prone Bay Area!

I understand her having the jitters. I also hear where you're coming from. You're just not going to be able to bring her along kicking and screaming and maintain a healthy relationship. Unless you are looking for a reason to separate, I would work hard to get her excited about a move, by taking her to meetings with mortgage brokers, open houses that could show her the benefits of moving, schools in the new neighborhood she would want your child to attend, etc. Good luck!

[awoodm]

I would definitely not buy a house together if you aren't both on the same page. It is a big deal, and if not done correctly can land people in bankruptcy. Maybe just talking to a financial advisor or counsellor to help iron out the logistics would set her mind at ease. Also, having a set amount of money in savings to fall back on in case something did happen may help her feel there is a saftey net.

[wellyes]

I saw your BP. You commute 1.5 hours each way?

I think your DP is looking at this entirely from the perspective of anxiety about cash. But I also think that time is more valuable than money, and expeiences are more important that belongings.

If I were you, I'd avoid arguements if they're just getting repetative and circular at this point. Just present a spreadsheet detailing why this will work out financially, and either tell her or write her a letter explaining the intangible benefits that you'll get - many extra hours per week to spend with family. Ask her to present her "case" why it won't work. I know it sounds dumb, but I think it is a useful way of discussing issues like this where SO many other emotional factors come into play.

Good luck.

[dcmom2b3]

I am really trying to be patient with DP, but I'm tired. For a lot of reasons, we need to move. Not this year, but next. I'll be finishing a degree and should get a huge raise (teacher).

I come from a middle class background. You make your money work for you.

DP did not. Dad worked two jobs, was never home and Mom never worked. Plenty of Christmases with no presents.

We cannot get on the same page about moving. After five years, I've talked her into moving, but now that I'm starting to look at houses, she's freaking out. Said $125K was way too much and blah, blah, blah. Huge fight. Starts going on about what happens if one of us dies, how to pay etc.

Well dear, that's what life insurance is for, etc. There's no talking her down.

How in the world do I get her to see that moving is a huge step up and NOT a road to bankruptsy?

How does a conservative 30 year mortgage payment compare to what you're paying now? How do any potential tax benefits factor into that? If one of you died how would you pay the rent/mortgage on the place that you're currently in?

IMO, seems like there's some (unspoken) thing else at play (moving? security? financial committment? six-digit numbers?) I had issues all of these fronts for years before I bought my first place.

I'm still a little freaked out that I can't just throw my worldly possessions in the back of a Toyota Corolla and leave, but buying was the only good financial decision I've made. I reached that decision after looking at the numbers and realizing that owning was cheaper (net taxes) than renting. Would she respond to a "hard numbers" discussion, gently presented, of course?

[niccig]

Well, I'm the one anxious about money and even more so since we bought a house. I'm a SAHM, so after the purchase, I got really worried about what I would do if something did happen to DH. DH and I had and still to some extent have fights over money, he's a spender, I'm a saver.

What helped me was to sit down and think about what I would do, what I would need if I was on my own. First, I made DH agree to have an emergency fund. It's less than I want, but more than DH wants, so a compromise. It would be enough to tide my over until the insurance money kicks in. Make sure you have a life insurance policy and disability insurance. Then I realised that I would probably sell the house and downsize. It's too much for me on my own. Thinking it through did help a little with easing some anxiety. Having the emergency fund has been very helpful - I don't worry as much about paying for emergency repairs to the house, or if DH gets laid off - we have a chunk of money that can get us through that.

I would also work out a budget - work out how much the house expenses will be and live on that budget now to see if it is doable. I also wouldn't buy a house if you still won't have some cushion. I like to manage our money for known and unknown expenses. Eg. budget for big expenses like insurance premiums, property tax, so when those bills arrive we're not short that month - this has gone a long way to easing some money concerns. Also, expenses like car repairs, which you know will happen eventually, so stash a little away each month to cover those. Maybe it will help your DP, if she can see the monthly budget breakdown and see that you are sticking to it.

I would also suggest talking to a counselor. Maybe it's not the money, but the location. Friends of ours have been arguing for 18 months on where to live. She likes the edgy/hip neighbourhood they rent in, but the schools are awful and it would mean private school for 3 kids. He wants to move to area with better public schools - she refuses and says she will die if she lives there. Anyway, they're in counselling to try to resolve it.

Good luck, I know it can be difficult. DH and I still aren't quite on the same page, but we're getting better - it's only take 8 years.

[kijip]

You need to see a counselor together.

I have a lot of fears about money, some justified, some overblown, from growing up in a very low income family. My husband comes from a very well off family and learning to communicate with each other about money required each of us learning a lot of about the other and what motivates us with respect to money.

[jenfromnj]

I agree with the above that a neutral third-party, a counselor and maybe even a financial planner, might be a good direction in which to go. It's hard to think about a house purchase b/c of that one big number but often when potential homebuyers actually sit down and see what their mortgage and expenses would be as compared to their budget or current rent, it doesn't seem so daunting. It is a big commitment any way you look at it, though, getting both partners on the same page can be tricky but is essential, IMO.

I also agree with the others about having life insurance and disability insurance in place, it makes it much easier to face the "what if" questions when making a huge financial commitment like buying a house.

[egoldber]

I have a lot of fears about money, some justified, some overblown, from growing up in a very low income family. My husband comes from a very well off family and learning to communicate with each other about money required each of us learning a lot of about the other and what motivates us with respect to money.

:yeahthat:

This was huge for us. It was really just not easy for me to overcome my issues from my poor childhood.

[niccig]

Also, you may have to be prepared to sacrifice some things to show you are serious about the house and financial responsibility. My DH loves to travel, always upgraded new gadgets, likes to eat out etc. Well, now with DS, the house, etc all those extra things he wants to have, we can't afford anymore. We can still do some things, just a lot less and have to wait longer before we can do them. I do know it annoyed me that DH wanted the house and DS and me staying at home, but he still wanted his lifestyle pre-$$ responsibilities, and the money just didn't stretch that far. DH wasn't prepared to see it. Now, 5 years in on a house, he's adjusted.