Any suggestions on dealing with a 3 year old hitting?

[mikeys_mom]

I am really getting desperate to find a way to make my almost 3 year old DD stop hitting. It started soon after the twins were born, if I were holding one she would often try to hit the baby. Then, even if the babies were just sitting in their Bumbo seats or bouncy chairs she would start hitting their heads. Clearly an attention seeking behaviour.

We tried time-outs which really just turned into a game, we tried a gentle reprimand and then ignoring, we tried praising every.single.time she does anything remotely nice or gentle to the babies, we have tried giving her extra special time, attention, activities alone with me and DH, pretty much everything we can think of. Nothing is working.

Now the teacher of her playgroup is telling me that she is hitting in school. Teacher has tried time-outs and determined that they do not work. Tried praising good behaviour and is now trying a reward chart.

There are 6 children in the playgroup and she is the oldest. There is another girl there who is a year younger than her and is particularly tiny. DD tells me that she is a baby and that is why she is hitting her. She hits, pushes and pinches.

Sounds like the teacher is concerned she might hurt someone. I feel like if it were just at home I could wait a few months until she matures a bit and deal with it more seriously. Now I really want to do something proactive but I have no idea what.

Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

[deannanb]

no good suggestions for you - but it is age appropriate for hitting - not that it is right for the hitting - and with babies in the house there are reason she is hitting and trying to be in control.

:hug:

[american_mama]

I feel your pain. My DD2 was a hitter with no provocation, not even a new baby, when she was about 2-2.5 years old. She'd hit to say hi to kids she liked. Then the same child became a hitter again at age 3.5 when baby brother arrived, although she did limit the hitting to just him, not schoolmates.

When she hit strangers and was younger, I'd rehearse with her beforehand how she should act when she was excited to see someone (lots of benign physical action like jumping, clapping, shouting HI!). When she hit, I'd hold her hands against her sides and say "NO HITTING," then move her. It took a few months, but did improve tremendously.

When she was older, well, I think we are still dealing with this 18 months later. We probably say "Leave him alone" 1-5 times a day, which clearly means our statements are completely ineffectual. When I describe her behavior to others, they immediately say, "She's jealous" which for some reason I have a hard time accepting because she seems too "old" for it (she was 3.5 years when he was born), especially this long after he's been born. But I do think more special time with me, a deliberate backing off on the criticisms she gets from me would probably help.

[bubbaray]

Could you get her a baby of her own to cuddle when you are holding one of the twins? That might help at home. Sounds like the teacher is doing some +ve rewards at school -- I'd probably wait and see how that goes in the short term (ie., let the teacher deal with it how she feels best).

FWIW, it is a stage. My DD#2 yelled at DH this morning at breakfast "if you don't give me milk, I'm gonna hit you". Um, nice. :(

[Pepper]

Sigh...DS, age 3-1/2, is hitting too. He started it at preschool, where they hold his hands and say "no hitting" - which he responded to by biting :-( DS has speech delays and I think some emotional/developmental delays that are related. Nevertheless I was dismayed that the hitting had resurfaced. I try to use positive reinforcment but honestly, as soon as I complement DS for behaving it's like I just reminded him that oh, he's not misbehaving! and he starts up again :-)

We have 2 very patient dogs, and when DS started acting up (he would occasionally take a swat at the dog - not REALLY trying to hurt them, just doing something that he knew he was not supposed to do) I would tell him that he wasn't allowed to touch the dogs at all for the rest of the day. Eventually we got to, you're not allowed to touch the dogs until further notice! because he just kept pushing it. (Well, really we said you're not allowed to touch the dogs until you learn to control yourself at all times).

We were also having a problem where DS would take off his shoes in the car and throw them at me - so then he wasn't allowed to hold ANYTHING in the car until he got out of that habit as well.

My point is, maybe you could try telling your DC that they are not permitted to touch the babies at all until they learn to be gentle all the time? It took a few weeks but my son is not trying to whack the dogs anymore...we are still working on the no hitting at school, though!

HTH

[Pepper]

Forgot to say - timeouts don't work with DS either. Have you looked at the book, "1-2-3 magic"? It's not a cureall - they recommend timeouts for when you have to get to three - but what does work for us is to say to DS when he misbehaves,"That's a 1. If Mommy gets to 3, ___ will happen." Sometimes I can't think of an appropriate consequence quickly enough so I just say, mommy hasn't decided what will happen if you get to 3, but I guarantee that you won't be happy!" and surprisingly, it usually works.

[okinawama]

I don't have a child that in this age group, but I did teach kindergarten and dealt with many negative attention seeking behaviors. What I found that worked best was positive reinforcement and often a reward that involved spending time one on one or a small group with me, teachers aid or their parents. What they are seeking is attention, so they achieve that most effectively by acting out negatively. While I didn't ignore the bad behavior, I really praised/rewarded the positive behavior. I usually did a sticker chart, and after so many stickers they would receive a reward (ie: bringing them McDonalds and eating lunch at their table in the lunch room, playing a game with them outside at recess, doing an art project parents taking them to a movie.....). I saw a difference almost every time.

[okinawama]

forgot to say that my punishment for "physical contact" of any kind (hitting, biting, kicking....) is a timeout. I always did twice their age to calculate how many minutes of time out they had (5 yrs=10min). I didn't have any warnings, "physical contact" was something I was super consistent and dealt with immediately. The consistency paid off and that was an area of discipline I rarely had to deal with for long.

[mikeys_mom]

Thanks for all the suggestions. It is actually helpful to hear that this is pretty normal behaviour for this age.

Time-outs or any type of reprimand are completely ineffective with her. In fact, she will often hit again after a time out or reprimand and then ask for a time out. Sometimes with a giggle.

I know that it is for sure related to the new babies in the house. It is just so frustrating that no matter how much attention we give her it just never seems to be enough.

I think we might try to do something special out of the house with just her more often.

DH is taking her to the Disney Princess on ice show in December as a special outing. We might work it in somehow as a reward for good behaviour. Regardless, I hope that she will be happy for a full day of one-on-one time with Daddy.

The teacher is doing a sticker reward chart and DD reported that she got a sticker today. Hopefully it will continue to work.