Awkward Facebook Problem, WWYD?

[Cheburashka]

Ok, just a warning, this is bound to be long. I was never very good at writing short summaries, so I apologize in advance.

Background - my dad was married once before my mom, and he had a daughter with his first wife. Their divorce was rather nasty, and the mother had him sign away any rights to his daughter. My dad's father also went through a similar situation, but Grandfather never told Dad until after Dad's half-sibling contacted him first (after I was born). My parents have always wanted us to know, because they hated the way his parents handled it.

This past summer, my half-sister contacts my dad and wants to meet him. Dad is a little unsure, but since all the daughters tell him he should, they arrange a time to have her come visit. My mom, however, is not very pleased with it, but she goes along to make him happy. The real problem starts when my dad joins Facebook and he and my half-sister become friends. Mom is super not pleased with this, even less so when half-sister friends my older sister (27) and my younger sister (22). Half-sister wants to friend my youngest sister, who is 16, because she has daughters a little younger than her (they're 14 and 15, IIRC). Mom is very much against this, and Dad convinces half-sister not to do it.

So, if you're me, what's wrong with the picture so far? I never got a FB friend request from her. I tell SO I'm hurt at not being included, but not to tell Mom or Dad, because 1 - I don't want to hurt Mom's feelings, and 2 - I don't want Dad to tell half-sister she upset me. Basically, I tell SO I'm hurt, but I suck it up because hey, you can't be everybody's friend, and maybe I said something on my dad's wall that half-sister didn't like. Who knows? (For the record, SO also thought I should be happy to not be involved in the drama. Men, always having good thoughts and then sharing them. :p)

This afternoon I'm on the phone with my dad talking over a totally unrelated issue when he mentions that one of my cousins wants to friend me, but can't see me on FB. It finally clicks that, duh, I have my profile super locked down! I have to friend you, you can't friend me. And me being the blabbermouth that I am, there was maybe about one second or so between me having the thought and me voicing the thought. And then Dad says "oh, so you could friend [half-sister]. She said she couldn't find you on FB."

.... .... Oops.

So here's the problem - I can friend half-sister and upset my mother, or I can not friend half-sister and hurt my dad's feelings. As of right now, I'm leaning towards friending half-sister, because it would make my dad happy. My mother and I aren't that close, so I don't think she'll be as upset with me friending half-sister as she was when my two other sisters that she's closer to did, but I know it'll hurt her feelings.

FB family politics, oi. If you were in my shoes, would you friend half-sister or not? Thanks in advance for any advice!

[bubbaray]

Crap like this is specifically the reason I hate FB. Honestly, if this sort of stuff was going on, I'd delete my account. Life is too short....

[frgsnlzrds]

You said how it would affect both your mom and your dad, and that you were hurt when you thought you were being excluded, but what do YOU want to do? If you'd like to get to know your half-sister, then go ahead and friend her, if you want to stay out of the whole mess don't friend her. I don't think your parents should stop you or force you to have a relationship.

[infocrazy]

I'm confused WHY your mom doesn't like your half-sister...it was before her right? It's your dad's daughter and your sister. I'd friend her.

[Ceepa]

Crap like this is specifically the reason I hate FB. Honestly, if this sort of stuff was going on, I'd delete my account. Life is too short....

Yes. I completely agree. Facebook just gives a stage for all the drama.

To OP, I hope whatever you decide to do doesn't bring you too much grief.

[pinkmomagain]

You said how it would affect both your mom and your dad, and that you were hurt when you thought you were being excluded, but what do YOU want to do? If you'd like to get to know your half-sister, then go ahead and friend her, if you want to stay out of the whole mess don't friend her. I don't think your parents should stop you or force you to have a relationship.

I agree completely with this sentiment.

[chinook]

I think your mother is being ridiculous and petty. He is the girl's FATHER for god's sake. You guys are family! To be jealous and ask others to exclude her is absolutely pathetic of her.

I say friend her and tell your mother to grow up.

[Momof3Labs]

I think your mother is being ridiculous and petty. He is the girl's FATHER for god's sake. You guys are family! To be jealous and ask others to exclude her is absolutely pathetic of her.

I say friend her and tell your mother to grow up.

:yeahthat:

I don't think that your mother should have any say in this. It's not about the ex-wife, it's about your father's daughter and your half-sister!

[elektra]

If you want to friend her, friend her. Try to keep your mom's feelings (and dad's) out of it.
A similar situation happened with my cousin's family. The older daughter from the first marriage got back in contact with the dad and they now see each other and they even took a family photo with the older daughter and her kids eventually. It was a slow process but turned out really well.

[saschalicks]

I think your mother is being ridiculous and petty. He is the girl's FATHER for god's sake. You guys are family! To be jealous and ask others to exclude her is absolutely pathetic of her.

I say friend her and tell your mother to grow up.
:yeahthat: couldn't have said it better myself.

[Laurel]

I think your mother is being ridiculous and petty. He is the girl's FATHER for god's sake. You guys are family! To be jealous and ask others to exclude her is absolutely pathetic of her.

I say friend her and tell your mother to grow up.

Have to agree. As a first-marriage daughter I am really baffled by your mother's actions, unless there is more to the story that we do not know. Your half-sister did not chose to sever her relationship with your Dad in the first place, why should she be kept from having a relationship with him as an adult?

As far as you go, do what you want to do on FB, not what you think Mom/Dad/half-sister wants you to do.

[katydid1971]

I think your mother is being ridiculous and petty. He is the girl's FATHER for god's sake. You guys are family! To be jealous and ask others to exclude her is absolutely pathetic of her.

I say friend her and tell your mother to grow up.

Pretty much what I was thinking. I feel badly for your half sister, because her parents were so petty when they divorced she had to grow up with out a dad. Now all she wants is to get in touch with her family and your mom is acting like a 12 year old "You can't be friends with her if you want to be friends with me." Friend your sister and tell your mom to grow up. :)

[MontrealMum]

I think your mother is being ridiculous and petty. He is the girl's FATHER for god's sake. You guys are family! To be jealous and ask others to exclude her is absolutely pathetic of her.

I say friend her and tell your mother to grow up.

ITA with this. If you want to friend her, do it because YOU want to. I think it's a shame that your mother completely cut this girl out of you dad's and your sisters' lives. I could see not wanting contact with the 1st wife, or not wanting contact w/someone your dad had an affair with or something, but with the child??? Come on, it's not her fault. This will sound blunt because I don't have much time to write my response but I think it's really childish and I would not have any problem telling my own mother that if I were in a similar situation. Also, I know it's hard, but you're an adult. You make your own decisions. Period. :hug: also so sorry you're being put in the middle like this.

[TwinFoxes]

Pretty much what I was thinking. I feel badly for your half sister, because her parents were so petty when they divorced she had to grow up with out a dad. Now all she wants is to get in touch with her family and your mom is acting like a 12 year old "You can't be friends with her if you want to be friends with me." Friend your sister and tell your mom to grow up. :)

ITA!! Honestly your mom doesn't have a leg to stand on. How can anyone deny someone the right to FINALLY get to know the family she was robbed of as a child? What is your mom's reasoning? Friend her, I think you'll be glad you did.

[JTsMom]

:yeahthat: to everyone. I think your mom needs to just deal with it.

[codex57]

It sounds like you want to do it. I say do it. I think your mom is being horribly petty. Maybe she's got some psych issues as the reason for it, but you're not close to her. I'm not particularly sympathetic to the feelings of certain relatives I have who I think act super unreasonable. They may be blood, but that doesn't mean I should always try and make them happy if I don't like how they act.

[Toba]

OMG ... I only glanced over replies, but I agree with most everyone. What on earth does your mother hold against your half-sister????? Stupid grudges are understandable against ex-wives, ex-husbands, ex-significant others, etc., NOT children (even adult children!!)!!!

My advice would be to do what makes YOU happy ... if YOU want to be friends with your half-sister, then friend her. Don't do it or not do it for the sake of either your mother or your father.

[shawnandangel]

Do it. You will be glad you did. I was 21 before I met my half brother and realized I was an aunt to two (then, now theres 4 and one more on the way!) girls. Now we have a great relationship, go on family trips ect. It's hard to imagine my life without him.

[Cheburashka]

I'm not sure at all why my mom doesn't like my half-sister, whenever I've tried to ask her about it, she gets evasive. I could understand if maybe my dad was ignoring the rest of us for half-sister, but he's not. He talked on the phone with half-sister a lot when they first started talking again, but they had 30 years to catch up on! Oh well.

Thanks for the advice everyone! I'm very good at talking myself in circles, and having outside, unbiased opinions helps a lot. I am going to go ahead and friend her, and try to build a relationship with her.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

I'm not sure at all why my mom doesn't like my half-sister, whenever I've tried to ask her about it, she gets evasive. I could understand if maybe my dad was ignoring the rest of us for half-sister, but he's not. He talked on the phone with half-sister a lot when they first started talking again, but they had 30 years to catch up on! Oh well.

Thanks for the advice everyone! I'm very good at talking myself in circles, and having outside, unbiased opinions helps a lot. I am going to go ahead and friend her, and try to build a relationship with her.

Sounds like that is what you wanted, so I am glad you are doing what is best for you!

[ha98ed14]

I think your mom is out of line to be upset about whatever you or your older sister do on FB. You are adults and can "friend" whoever you want. Little sis is a different story perhaps because she is a minor, but really, I don't understand what your mother is upset over? She is mad that half sister wants a relationship with her father and her half siblings. Sorry, but IMO, she doesn't have a right to get all bent out of shape about that. Half sister existed on this planet as your father's daughter before your mother and father came together to make you & full sisters. Your half sister has a right to a relationship with her father if both parties are willing. It's not your mother's call.

All that is to say that you should do what you want. If you want a relationship with half sis, friend her; if not, don't. But don't do any of it just to please your mother. Those days have ended because you are now a mother yourself.

[JustMe]

I pretty much agree with others, try not to think about what your mom or you dad wants but what you want. I also agree that your mom having resentment against your half-sister or at you or your siblings (and especially your dad!) for wanting to have a relationship isn't right.

[kijip]

People take Facebook way too seriously. I agree with Melissa, life is too short for your mother to care about who you friend on FB or for you to be worried about offending people with who you friend.

[klwa]

Friend her. Mom's already dealing with everyone else having friended her. It won't throw her for too much more of a loop that you do as well.

[khalloc]

I also think your mother is being very petty. Its not like you are friending your father's ex-wife, its his daughter, your sister! If you want to be friends with her on facebook, then do it. Your mom should get over it IMHO

[catsnkid]

I think there is a way on FB to not have your friend list available to your friends, just friends in common. One of my friends has it set up this way, but I don't know how to do it. That could solve the problem in a sneaky way. Your mom should deal with it though, that's your sister. How about this one though..

My husband has a 1/2 sister (9 months old) that lives with his dad in another country. His mother doesn't know about her yet, in fact thinks that her existence is impossible as FIL had a vasectomy. She doesn't know it was reversed. Thanks god MIL is not on facebook.