Emotionally Immature/Unusual Child - Dealing with Get-Togethers

[sste]

Very interesting in light of threads here and I now have even more respect for parents dealing with these challenges.

During a get-together with new friends their engaging and bright five year old had at least two crying sessions (I mean, hysterical and requiring removal by parent for 10-20 minutes) prompted by very minor things such as a missing ribbon, shoved and kicked DS age two and took toys from him, and needed constant adult attention. It was fascinating in a way: she had a five year old body, probably a seven or eight year old mind, and seemed at the emotional level of about a three year old or below. And to me, it was so clearly hardwired, you could just see the little girl struggling with these wildly intense emotions.

My impression was that the parents were quite embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Is there something I can do when we have this family over so that the little girl has less difficulty? Or is there some way to convey to the parents without making them more uncomfortable that they have entered a "judgment-free" zone?

[egoldber]

Welcome to my world.

The worst part is Sarah is this amazingly fabulous, funny and sweet kid and so many people never get to see it. :( They only see the meltdowns and the tears and the anxiety.


shoved and kicked DS age two and took toys from him

Sarah never did this though. That would be very hard to deal with.

As far as helping them, I would just keep inviting them. Tell them (if you can honestly) that you enjoyed meeting their DD and want to get to know her/them better. Some of it could be anxiety having to do with being in a new situation with new people. That's when Sarah is almost always at her worst. She is also almost always better when DH and I are not there. She senses our behavioral expectations and it makes things more stressful for her.

The good news is that is DOES get better as the child gets older. They grow into their emotions and learn coping mechanisms (parents and child alike).

[sariana]

I think simply inviting the girl back to your home sends a very strong message that you are not judging. If you feel you need to be more explicit, you could try asking if there is anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable (lighting, white noise, other sensory inputs).

[sste]

You know, DH and I are probably terrible parents but it didn't really bother us that the five year old shoved and kicked DS. The shove and kick were very light - - more acting out than any intent to hurt. And DS, while he has had MANY challenges of his own, is big for his age, very easygoing and adapatable and didn't seem upset for more than 5 seconds and in fact didn't even really register the shove except to get himself a new toy(that is DH's genes, not mine!).

I mainly felt badly for the parents who were upset.

We will def. keep on inviting them over. I guess I wondered if the little girl would do better if I spelled out to her what we would be doing when I greeted her to kind of establish a little structure. Or, maybe gave her a job to help me out -- again, very bright little girl who seems to move more easily in the world of adults.

[sariana]

You know, DH and I are probably terrible parents but it didn't really bother us that the five year old shoved and kicked DS.

That doesn't make you terrible parents; it makes you compassionate friends.

If she tried to set your son on fire, and you didn't care, that might make you terrible parents.

[roobee]

You are so kind. I think continuing to extend invitations is probably only going to help this little girl, allow her to have some practice in social situations with other kids. It's nice that her parents are aware of what's going on and helping her work through her problems.

I have a similar situation with a child in my life - except the parents don't seem to be aware of their child's social issues. I feel like I could be much more tolerant o the child's issues if the parents acknowledged that there was something that needed to be worked on. Instead my DC seems to always get blamed for the crying jags and then I feel defensive about that. My DC doesn't care and this is a favorite friend, but the behavior drives me nutty.

[sste]

Well, I wish I could take credit for kindness but actually I was sensitized to this issue from a young age because my brother has severe special needs and had major (much worse than what I have just described) behavioral problems. My parents ended up kind of socially isolated and defensive. On top of having to deal with a special needs kid!

Parenting is not a game for the weak . . .

[Gena]

It was fascinating in a way: she had a five year old body, probably a seven or eight year old mind, and seemed at the emotional level of about a three year old or below. And to me, it was so clearly hardwired, you could just see the little girl struggling with these wildly intense emotions.

This is what my son is like. He's 5 years old, doing 1st-2nd grade work at school, and still has the social/emotional development of a 3 year old. As you may know, my son has ASD and his uneven development is definately hardwired. (I'm not saying this little girl has ASD, although it might be a possibility.)


... at least two crying sessions (I mean, hysterical and requiring removal by parent for 10-20 minutes) prompted by very minor things such as a missing ribbon, shoved and kicked DS age two and took toys from him, and needed constant adult attention.

My DS does these things too. He will cry over things that seem very minor to us, but are obviously very imporant to him. he constantly needs adult attention. And he does have a tendancy to get aggressive with other children, particularly with younger/smaller children. (Currently he is on medication to help control his violent impulses, because things got to the point where we were afraid to take him places due to the very real possibility that he would cause serious bodily harm to another child.)

I'm sure the parents were embarrassed and uncomfortable, especially if they were around new people. It's always hard for us to be around people who do not know us and DS. I often feel that people are judging my parenting and/or DS's behavior.

To be honest, I rarely feel like we are in a "judgement-free zone", regardless of the hosts' intentions. For the most part, the only true judgement-free places we go to are autism events or other places with lots of special needs kids. The main one is our autism playgroup. That is truly the one place where I can really relax with other moms and not worry about what they are thinking about DS. We all admit that we take our kids to the playgroup because it is the one place where we don't have to apologize for our DC's behavior.

Family members are sometimes able to provide judgement-free zones. But even then it depends on which relatives are present, becuase some definately lack understanding of the situation. With non-family members who have typical kids...well, unless it is a friend I have known for a very long time (like before I had kids), it's very difficult to drop my guard and really feel relaxed and accepted.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's probably going to take some time for this family to really feel comfortable and accept the idea that you are not judging them or their child. Definately inviting them over and asking what kinds of things their daughter likes will help. Another is to allow them to assist and discipline their child the way they need to. If they need to remove their child from a situation, let them. If they are correcting their child's behavior, don't interfere (as long as the discipline is not abusive). One of the things that really drives me nuts is when I am trying to tell my son to stop doing something/do it differently/do something else and the other person keeps saying "Oh that's OK. Let him do it. I don't mind." Well I do mind and I am trying to teach my son appropriate behavior. People who interfere in this way almost always have good intentions and think they are being tolerant, when in reality they are messing up our attempts to have consistant rules and consequences. It can be very frustrating at times!

I don't know if any of that helps your situation. I think it is wonderful that you want to help this family be comfortable in your home.

[elliput]

I agree with the PP's that continuing to invite the family over will send the message that their daughter's behavior is not upsetting to you. Maybe a reassuring word along the lines of "we all have parenting challenges", "new situations can be difficult for some kids" etc will help to set the family at ease.

[KpbS]

We have a similar struggle here too. DS1 is a bright, funny, fun-loving kid but he is also quite intense emotionally. He cries very easily when upset--even in a playgroup setting.

I would second everyone's suggestions to keep the invites coming as long as his behavior isn't too aggressive toward the other children as to injure them. Snatching toys is unpleasant and certainly sets a bad example but isn't that bad on the whole. Also when you include the parent(s) of the child they can experience first hand what is developmentally/age appropriate for their DC and that will help them better assess their situation and think about social/developmental goals for their DC.

[sariana]

One of the things that really drives me nuts is when I am trying to tell my son to stop doing something/do it differently/do something else and the other person keeps saying "Oh that's OK. Let him do it. I don't mind." Well I do mind and I am trying to teach my son appropriate behavior.

:yeahthat: I so hear on this one.