Need Ideas: School Dilemma

[Indianamom2]

So here's the deal, as succinctly as possible.

DD#1 (just turned 5) has been in speech therapy since she was 18 months old. She was quite delayed (possible minor apraxia) and has made TREMENDOUS progress, first with EI, now through the school system, and even with a private speech therapist. However she still definitely needs to continue.

Currently, she is receiving services once a week, for 30 minutes) at her pre-K class in a private preschool. We had this same set-up last year, and about 1 month into to school, she started freaking out, refusing to go into class and basically crying and not wanting to go to school. We couldn't figure out what was going on, but eventually realized it was all due to speech. The therapist was the same one she had had the year before, but something about therapy last year was just very upsetting to DD. It was BAD for quite a while. Finally, we ended up stopping therapy at her preschool and I had to take her to the public school where the therapist worked and sit in the therapy sessions with her. Even then, it took months before she wasn't teary, and without fail, every week she would ask about when speech was.

This year, we started pre-K at the same school as before without incident and I was thrilled. Speech, however didn't start up until a couple weeks ago, due to the therapist being out for surgery. Unbeknownst to me, the new speech therapist just showed up one day and DD lost it and absolutely refused to go to the other room for speech.She was seriously upset. Since then, the therapist has had her stay in her classroom and do therapy (which can't be all the effective), but this last week, DD has started crying and refusing to let me leave with out a massive meltdown. I know it's because of speech and I honestly don't know what to do.

Having her go back to the therapist's home school isn't really an option because I can't/won't take our 3 month old to each session, as he would be a huge distraction. I also know that next year, she'll have the same problem and won't have another option (once she starts K).

What can I try? Any thoughts? She loves pre-K and her class and teachers, but speech is making her dread school and I really don't want that to happen. Anyone BTDT or have any ideas on how to make this better?

Thanks,
Christina

[egoldber]

Have you asked her about it? I'm wondering if now that she's older she can communicate to you what the problem is. Also, ask the teacher if she observed anything unusual going on.

I would not assume that your 3 month old would be a problem though. Are you actually in the room or outside the room? Even in the room, with speech I can see a good therapist working it in.

Is there any way that they can come to your home? Even when we got speech services for Sarah through the school system, they came to the house. Just wondering if that is an option.

[niccig]

You say she loves her preschool class. Could she be upset about speech because she thinks she's missing out on the fun in the class?

[Indianamom2]

Beth,

Yes, we have talked in length about speech (both last year and this year.) I really don't think she even knows exactly why it bothers her so much and though I am guessing it's because she's very bright, but speech is hard for her, that it frustrates her, I don't want to put words in her mouth, kwim?

In home isn't an option anymore (we've done that, but they will not come to a home at this stage.)

As for taking Ds#2 with me...knowing DD#1, it's just not going to work and more importantly, it won't be an option next year, so I feel like we need to find a way to deal with it this year.

I have talked with her teachers about school in general, but until speech started, there was no problem, so I'm 99% sure that's what's going on. I do need to call the speech therapist though...

Christina

[Indianamom2]

You say she loves her preschool class. Could she be upset about speech because she thinks she's missing out on the fun in the class?


Niccig,

We did think that last year, and I still think that may play a part, but even when she was no longer missing class, she was very upset about still having speech.

Christina

[egoldber]

I am just wondering if there is some other dynamic going on. Maybe she doesn't like the therapist (and it could be because it is hard for her). Maybe other kids in her class are teasing her. There could be a lot of reasons.

Can you ask for a case manager to come and observe? I'm just thinking that getting other insights into what is happening may be valuable.

[Indianamom2]

Beth,

You bring up good thoughts, but this is a different therapist from the previous two years (who was sweet as could be, and still she had trouble). She hasn't even had time to get to know this new lady (I think she's had 3 sessions so far.)

I will ask about the teasing, but I would like to think that she or her teachers would have said something, plus, she got extremely upset before even her first session, so I know no one could have teased her before that.

I think I need to talk with the actual therapist, but I'm struggling with how to do that without DD around.

I'm not trying to shoot down your ideas...this has just been going on so long that we've tried a lot of options already.

Thanks
Christina

[egoldber]

No problem. :) I'm just brainstorming.

[SammyeGail]

Just shooting an idea out there, maybe having to go to speech, the idea of going to speech is affecting her self-esteem, its bothering her personally. Is it something you can do some one-on-one her level talking with her about?

I have twin boys who will be 4 in a few weeks, one has autism, the other shows alot of early signs of AD/HD. He has alot of speech problems. He is in a Mothers Day Out program that is more like an unstructured pre-school. He is very smart, the summer he was 2 he was moved up to the 3 yr old room because he had bypassed all the activitied the 2 yr olds were doing. He got the nickname 'Baby Noah'. It was cute at first, these 3 girls adored him, one even had to get a boy doll with brown hair and named it Noah.

This summer I had to put my foot down on the baby Noah, the teacher tried the best she could, but a certain boy now likes to taunt him calling him just 'Baby' or 'big baby' because of his speech delays. Noah is also small for his age. I feel horrible for him, because he can't even reply 'I'm not a baby!' and anyone understand him. I have cried so much but he seems so much happier there now, the teachers make a great effort to keep them seperated, this boy is actually the 'bully' of the program : (.

Good luck, I know how discouraging it can be.....sometimes its really hard to get the true answers out of our little ones, it took alot of affectionate time with Noah and my hands out for 'yes and no' (left is always yes, right is no) to get the answers, his head was down while I gently asked questions and he would use his little finger to lightly touch my 'yes' hand, then he just cried and cried. I held him for a long time and told him everything would be ok.

Samantha

[Indianamom2]

Samantha,

I do think there's something to what you're saying.

DD has always cognitively and receptively been ahead. She is so bright, but unless you take a bit of time to "decode" her speech, you might not see it.

I know that she gets frustrated by this. She's the kind of kid who, if she can't do it right the first time (or maybe second), will just quit because it frustrates her to not be able to do it perfectly. I know, for sure, that speech is hard work for her and that it frustrates her. This has been a pattern from the beginning. I just don't know how to change any of that or make it better.

We have talked about why she needs speech and why mommy and daddy want to help her learn to talk properly, and have told her that we want everyone to know how incredibly smart and funny she is. We've told her how daddy even had speech when he was little (probably didn't need it, but she doesn't need to know that!).

I'm just at a loss here because I never had to struggle with school or any part of it. I was the typical first born, straight A student who barely had to work to get good grades. I think school will be a challenge for her and I don't know how to help.

Christina

[sste]

Can you rearrange her speech so its first thing in the morning? If its later in the day, she may have some hours for the whole thing to really build up in her mind and for her to get more upset. Not saying her upset is not legitimate, just that I am wondering if you would have more luck if it was we have a half hour first thing in the morning and then the rest of the day is yours.

I also am tending to think the speech therapy has to be non-negotiable. I mean, I know it is to you but maybe she needs to know that. It sounds like she is putting alot of energy into trying to change it and maybe you just need to say to her that its OK if she cries at first at speech therapy, its OK if she cries the whole session, but she has to go and sit there for the full amount of time. And after speech therapy when she comes home from school you and she will talk about it and talk about why she felt sad or scared or upset in speech therapy. And you and she will work on it together. But, she still has to go.

[erosenst]

Just another thought, and it may not work (for you or for her...)

...but reading your initial post, you said:


DD has started crying and refusing to let me leave with out a massive meltdown. I know it's because of speech and I honestly don't know what to do (my emphasis)

I would try to find a time to talk to the SLP alone, and let her know about the issue. If she's a good SLP, and used to working with children, she should also be good at working with 'behavior' and developmental issues. If so, I would strongly suggest that you very matter-of-factly leave the room, and let the SLP deal with it. As a PP said, speech is non-negotiable. By staying, you're indirectly giving her the message that it *is* negotiable, and that if she keeps having a meltdown she'll "win" and not have to have speech therapy any more.

It may take several sessions - but it's likely that she'll calm down more quickly if you're not there. It's typical kid behavior - but they often behave better when parents aren't around. Once you decide you're going to take this route, however, you'll need to stick with it, possibly for a long time. If you waiver, and stay sometimes, she'll learn that she *can*, in fact, make you stay.

Good luck - I'm sure it's very difficult.

[Indianamom2]

erosenst and sste,

I guess I wasn't clear in my original post, but she knows that speech is definitely not negotiable. I only stayed as a last resort last year because I was (at least for the first few months of this) newly pregnant and horribly sick and just not up for the fight. This year, she knows that me staying isn't an option, nor is *not* doing speech.

Also, I am definitely not giving in to the tantrums. Two days ago, when she was crying and melting down, one of the classroom teachers (a SUPER kind, sweet woman) literally peeled DD off of me and I turned around and walked away. I've done it MANY times and will continue to. I know I have to. She knows it too.

I just didn't have time earlier to be clear.

Part of the problem this year is that the SLP comes at some random point on Monday, after I've left, so she's not ever there to witness this. Of course, she sees DD's reaction to her, so I'm not sure why I haven't gotten a call from her. I guess I'm going to have to initiate. Honestly, I don't have the most confidence in this particular whole school therapy program, but at this point, other than private therapy, I don't think we have many other options. (For the record, we did do some private therapy after age 3 with our fantastic former EI therapist) but the cost is just very prohibitive. We always made WAY more progress with her, but then again, she truly "got" DD and was just plain awesome.

Christina

[sste]

Oh no, I didn't mean that you were giving in to tantrums. Just that its human nature to want to control your environment. I would be worried about your DD if she wasn't doing that! I guess what I am getting at is whether it makes sense to reframe things for both of you that crying isn't the end of the world, isn't even that big of a deal. It is OK if she feels sad in speech therapy for a while so long she goes there. I just think that may end up being Step 1 until your DD gets over this hump. I also tend to think that your not being there may help - - she will probably get bored of crying faster.

The only other thing I can think of is to ask her what would make speech therapy better for her and make her feel less sad there. Maybe the two of you can make a little list and implement some of the items. A favorite stuffed animal with her? A reward post-session for not crying during the entire session? Or for trying hard even though she is crying? Not sure the best way to work the reward but maybe your DD has some ideas.

[erosenst]

Ugh. I feel your frustration :(.

And knowing where you live, it's not likely to get much better when she's in 'real' school. Which is equally frustrating, if not more.

Hang in there - I hope you find something that works. It sounds like you're exploring every option, so I"m sure you will.

[mytwosons]

I don't have the most confidence in this particular whole school therapy program, but at this point, other than private therapy, I don't think we have many other options. (For the record, we did do some private therapy after age 3 with our fantastic former EI therapist) but the cost is just very prohibitive. We always made WAY more progress with her, but then again, she truly "got" DD and was just plain awesome.

Christina

I was going to respond earlier to suggest the problem was w/the ST, but then didn't when I reread your post and saw you say you want the therapy at the school to work out. But, after reading this post, I have to respond.

I really think you need to do whatever you can to make the private therapy work. I've BTDT. Paying out-of-pocket is very hard. But, if the private ST makes so much more progress, you won't have to see her for as long. Also, I'm forgetting how old your DD is, but my 6 yr old DS recently started seeing his old ST again for \th\ help. Now, she only wants to see him for half an hour vs. the hour she used to see him; automatically cuts our cost down.

Also, I never thought my DS would be able to focus on ST with me in the room. (I was never allowed in the room for this reason with ST #1.) ST2 was AWESOME and always had me in the room. She controlled the sessions and my DS realized he had work to do. ST2 wanted parents to observe so they could work with the kids at home. She said she could always tell which parents did the work at home because the kids got discharged so much earlier. A good ST will be able to make your situation workable.

I hope you are able to work something out!

[sste]

You know, pp has a good point about the private therapist- - and a good point that sitting in on sessions is very helpful since you need to integrate the therapy into your daughter's everyday life (we are working with a slp too:) ).

Would it be possible to continue the school and let her go alone there - - at least if it seems like you not being there means she is less emotional.

Then you could schedule your private slp once per month and attend that session and be very intensive about working out specific stuff that you and DD are going to work on during that month. The once a month cost might be do-able. You may be able to negotiate a bit with your slp if you pay her directly in cash in advance. And you can also pay for this out of your flexible benefit plan which means you are paying for it with pre-tax dollars.

[almostamom]

What about letting her bring a buddy from her class with her to speech? My son, who honestly runs hot and cold with wanting to go to speech, has always loved it when one of his friends has gone with us. His SLP has had the other child participate too. Sometimes they've played games or just took turns. When I was teaching, some of the pull out programs had "Bring a Buddy" day and all of the kids loved it. The ones who were in the program enjoyed getting to show their friend from homeroom what they did, and it took away some of the mystery for the children who weren't in the program.

Linda