Mother - Toddler Daughter relationships

[Naranjadia]

I've gotten the sense from comments in other posts that I am not the only mother who has found her relationship with her daughter to be more fraught than she expected. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

We have boy-girl twins, and as I guess is typical, my son slightly favors me, but my daughter strongly favors DH. It's not that she and I don't do things together, or that she shows me no affection. We just have more friction, she can hold a grudge against me but not DH, that type of thing.

DH thinks it is because he gets to be more fun, but in all honesty that is not true. He's around almost as much as I am. He is firm in keeping to our discipline plan. We both do things that are goofy, fun, etc.

I suspect that part of it is my physical limitations - I can rarely lift them anymore. We do a lot of cuddling when I am sitting, but if they want to be picked up for whatever reason, Dad is the go to guy. I also have a skin condition on my hands that DS hardly notices, but DD is a little concerned about.

Part of me thinks, just go with the flow, maybe she'll grow out of it. But I am also worried about just accepting that our relationship is like this and giving up, KWIM?

I also am a little concerned that she can be so vocal and (unknowingly) insensitive about making her preferences known. I don't want her to think she can get whatever she wants at the expense of other's feelings. But I don't want to laden her with guilt either.

Okay, that was a novel...

[gatorsmom]

I can hear the hurt in your voice and I just had to respond. Your twins are so young still. You can't even imagine how they will grow and change as they get older. My oldest is only 6 yo and I"m amazed at how he's changed and matured. I promise you that your relationship with your daughter will show you different facets of her personality as she matures too.

My 4yo, Cha Cha, has changed more than any of my other kids. he didn't seem to have much of a personality- other than the fact that he could speak very, very clearly and maturely- until he was about 2.5yo. He was sweet and was just really busy following his older brother around the house all the time. Then when he turned 3 all hell broke loose. Suddenly he had an opinion and a preference for everything. He was sooo hard. I almost didn't like him for awhile (love him- of course!) . Then he grew out of that. He's much more laid back now and we have a very special relationship. He has an amazing personality, a fun silly sense of humor, and is very clever. I never imagined in such a short time how things could change.

You know, as babies mature, they seem to go from clinging to mama, then to exercizing their independence a bit, then resting from that, then exercising their independence again. And by exercising their independence I mean they want to push mom a way a bit. At least, that's how it has seemed to me. Gator's pushes away were much less pronounced than Cha Cha's but he's had his phases too.

Don't give up. Just mark this as a phase. I think many little girl's have a special place in their heart for their dad, and that's normal. But, before you know it, you and she will be bff again. :love-retry:

[Naranjadia]

Thank you so much, Lisa. That really helps me put it in perspective.

She does sound similar to what you were saying about ChaCha - really into expressing her opinions and preferences. Since when did "I don't like..." become a standard part of her vocabulary?!

She's also going through something right now - not sure what, almost seems like regression to the clingy days a year ago. I'm wondering if it isn't the transition to "big girl" bed. But maybe that's also made the situation seem worse lately, since she's desperate for Daddy to rescue and console her, when a month ago she would have been more confident.

At any rate- thanks for such a helpful post!

[gatorsmom]

. Since when did "I don't like..." become a standard part of her vocabulary?!

She's also going through something right now - not sure what, almost seems like regression to the clingy days a year ago. I'm wondering if it isn't the transition to "big girl" bed.

It's so funny how they are sometimes, isn't it? On the one hand, they don't want you to tell them what to wear and suddenly they don't like their favorite food. Otoh, they are so clingy and whiny- it's almost like they can't make up their minds! It's like, "mom, I want my independence from you- no I don't- yes I do..." But, of course, at this age, they really DON"T know what they want. I expect this will go on to varying degrees until they are in college......sigh. And yeah, the big girl bed is a BIG step. No longer the baby in the crib. I imagine that that's hard to give up and would evoke lots of confused emotions. Big hugs.

[ha98ed14]

I have the exact same dynamic with my DD who is 2 yrs. 5 mo. Sometimes it makes me really sad how much she prefers her Dad. Sometimes she won't even give me a hug. Sometimes I wonder if she will ever know that *I* was the one who researched EVERYTHING necessary in her little life. I made all the decisions about food and vaxes and choosing car seats and daycare centers and going to the doctor. All those visits were work. DH is fabulous with her, but her life works and she is safe and healthy because I am preoccupied all. the. time with what is necessary and good for her. DH agrees to pretty much whatever I say wrt to decisions for DD because he knows I do my homework. It sucks because right now I am in school and DH has all the time in the world to play with her when he is home while I am doing homework. Maybe someday it will be different. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Ok, now I am crying. Going away now...

[rgors]

I could have written your post except for the fact that I do not have twins. My DD so vastly preferred DH to me for the full first two years of her life. (I privately blamed the fact that I had so many issues trying to bf her and so she developed her feeding bond with Daddy and the bottle. But really, I doubt that's the cause.)

Only recently have I pulled up even in the "standings." I really despaired about my very-distant second place, but I have heard many many stories now about how the favored parent changes every few years. Also it is important to recognize that it is also challenging to be the highly favored parent. It is hard not to feel guilty in that role, and it is also hard to always. be. needed. without getting a break.

[MoJo]

No BTDT with my LO yet. . . . but I wanted to give you the perspective of a grown "Daddy's Girl," which I've shared with my mom but she never actually knew.

I LOVED to be with my Dad, and would do so any chance I got, all throughout my life. My mom and I had an on and off relationship. But it was my mom, NOT my dad, that I considered my best friend in several different stages of my life. We had some very rough patches, but we have ended as friends.

[fivi2]

I don't know if it is really a boy/girl thing... My twins are both girls, and we have had a very clear divide for over a year now. Twin A loves daddy, always wants to be with him. When I say I love you, she'll say "I love daddy" (They are almost 4). Twin B (Also a girl), however, is mommy's. She always wants to be with me. When she is sad, only mommy will do.

When they say the things that are hurtful, I just smile and give a big hug and say, "well, I love you!" or similar. They don't mean anything by it, just trying out roles and learning their place in the world. Don't take it personally!

I did have a terrible relationship with my mother and I am trying not to repeat that with my girls. I don't think it was just a "mother/daughter" thing (my mother was crazy). She reacted as though things we did as kids were intentional and as though we meant to hurt her feelings, and she got nasty. Basically she acted like another child. I think that was the worst possible approach. (I am not saying you are doing that!) So, imo, as much as it may hurt, don't show that to your dd. Just hug her and tell her you love her. I think that will go a long way toward working it out in the long run. JMO!

[hellokitty]

I think it is a phase and you shouldn't read more into it. Don't think that your dd is trying, get whatever she wants at the expense of other ppl's feelings. She is a TODDLER! Toddlers are all about themselves, it's a normal part of their development, so she is not going to know that she is hurting your feelings, she is still LEARNING about that kind of stuff.

FWIW, DS1 has always preferred my DH, even when he was a newborn. I used to joke that if it weren't for the fact that I BF'd him as a baby, he probably wouldn't have even noticed if something happened to me and I was no longer in his life. DS2 came around and was a full blown mama's boy and was not receptive to my DH until he was past 3 yrs old. DS3 seems to like both DH and I equally so far. I think every child is different. I also think that it is normal for parents to connect with certain children more than others.

I do not think that boys automatically are mamas boys and girls are automatically daddys girls either. I will never understand the daddys girl thing, b/c my father and I have never gotten along and I am the least favorite child. My friends have all told me that certain children of theirs prefer themselves or their DH more, so I know that this is pretty, "normal," from what I can tell.

Just continue to be patient. What's funny about DS1 is that around age 4 he has had more interest in hanging out with me. So, I think kids go through phases and are trying to figure out their relationship with their parents.

[amandabea]

My DD is 1 month older than your twins and is so much like what you and some of the pps have described. She is super sassy, bossy, whiny, demanding, and defiant with me. Not so much w/ DH. The other day on the way to school, I said, "I love you" and she said, "I love Daddy". I often get the "not you! Daaaaaaddddyyyy!" save-me cry when she doesn't want to do what I want/need her to do. It's so frustrating, but I try (really hard) not to react to it -- it's so hard though. What is most frustrating is that she is so much like me, but everything is too the extreme.

OP - all this is to say that you're not the only one dealing with this. And if you find something that works - please share. Thanks, Lisa for your comments that it doesn't last. I honestly thought this behavior wouldn't start for another 10 years!

[Naranjadia]

Sometimes she won't even give me a hug. Sometimes I wonder if she will ever know that *I* was the one who researched EVERYTHING necessary in her little life.

This made me smile. I didn't realize this about my own Mom until I was gearing up for my kids. Honestly the research should earn us a few extra hugs!


Also it is important to recognize that it is also challenging to be the highly favored parent. It is hard not to feel guilty in that role, and it is also hard to always. be. needed. without getting a break.

This is a really good point.


I don't know if it is really a boy/girl thing... My twins are both girls, and we have had a very clear divide for over a year now. Twin A loves daddy, always wants to be with him. When I say I love you, she'll say "I love daddy" (They are almost 4). Twin B (Also a girl), however, is mommy's. She always wants to be with me. When she is sad, only mommy will do.

I wondered about this (boy/girl thing)! My sister and I always had a strong affinity for my mother, although my sister butted heads with her much more than I did. I just never thought of this kind of preference as being related to gender, though I know that there is the "Momma's boy" and "daddy's girl" sayings, and some psychological basis for that. But there must be so many variables that go into these "preferences."


So, imo, as much as it may hurt, don't show that to your dd. Just hug her and tell her you love her. I think that will go a long way toward working it out in the long run. JMO!

Good, this is what I have been doing. I'm just not sure about what to do, for example, when it's like "You don't put on my blankets, Daddy puts on my blankets." Do I leave her with no blankets, wait until she relents, or go get Daddy? I guess I wonder what the line is between me letting her insistence on Daddy roll off me and catering to that insistence.



I think it is a phase and you shouldn't read more into it. Don't think that your dd is trying, get whatever she wants at the expense of other ppl's feelings. She is a TODDLER! Toddlers are all about themselves, it's a normal part of their development, so she is not going to know that she is hurting your feelings, she is still LEARNING about that kind of stuff.


Great reminder. :) I guess the thing I wonder is whether it helps her to learn if she never sees that there are consequences to what she says or does. But maybe 2.5 is too young anyway. And I certainly don't want to be emotionally manipulative or passive aggressive. I feel like I would be if I was demonstratively sad, for example. My inclination, as fivi2 said, is not to show it.



OP - all this is to say that you're not the only one dealing with this. And if you find something that works - please share. Thanks, Lisa for your comments that it doesn't last. I honestly thought this behavior wouldn't start for another 10 years!

Thank you, Amanda! That's exactly what I was hoping from this thread, to find out that I am not only one. It helps me grin and bear it. :)

[fivi2]

Good, this is what I have been doing. I'm just not sure about what to do, for example, when it's like "You don't put on my blankets, Daddy puts on my blankets." Do I leave her with no blankets, wait until she relents, or go get Daddy? I guess I wonder what the line is between me letting her insistence on Daddy roll off me and catering to that insistence.





Well, when we can, we do cater to it. That is, if dh is home, we are usually both doing bedtime/bathtime etc together. So if one dd wants one of us, we will accommodate that as much as possible. But if I am alone and dd doesn't like the way I do it and wants it the way dh does it. shrug. I tell her he isn't here so we can do it this way, or not at all. (my girls are a bit older though). I then let her decide. I mean, if she falls asleep without a blanket, I can put one on after she is asleep!

Good luck!

[dcmom2b3]

I've hesitated to post on this thread, for various reasons, but here goes.

This is a phase, and what you're seeing is toddler ineptitude in navigating a situation with due regard for your feelings. She'll develop that skill in time.

When Bunny's father was alive, she would prefer him for certain stuff and it always put me off for the same reasons. I was the one who had ensured her quality of life with my blood, sweat and tears, and I didn't like being treated like chopped liver.

One day, though, I remembered my special bond with my Dad, and realized that had to have had its origins somewhere. The possibility that many years from now she would have the same warm feelings for her father that I have for mine made me realize that my "stuff" about being the less-preferred parent was just that -- my stuff.

[mommyp]

Well, when we can, we do cater to it. That is, if dh is home, we are usually both doing bedtime/bathtime etc together. So if one dd wants one of us, we will accommodate that as much as possible.

This is what we do too. DD is in a very "Daddy" phase right now. You are definitely not the only one dealing with this!

[catcombs]

This is an interesting thread. I am kind of in a different boat though. My DD so clearly loves me over DH but DS1 clearly loves DH over me. I always joke that DS2 will be the tie breaker.