If you & your siblings are close,

[ourbabygirl]

how did you get to be that way? I wish my brothers and I had a closer relationship, hanging out every once in a while at times other than holidays when the whole family's together. It would be great if DD and her future sibling(s) would stay close through their teenage and adult years, and I'm wondering how to foster that. I've heard that if siblings are 4 or more years apart, they're more like only children, so I'm thinking we might have #2 when DD is around 3 (not sure I'll be ready before that). Do you think ages/spacing is the biggest factor? Or more to do with having all boys, all girls, or a perfect combination? Did your parents do something special so that you and your siblings would have a tight relationship when you were little, and you've been able to maintain it?

Fill me in, please :)!

Thanks!

[sunshine873]

I only have one sister and we are very close. 3 1/2 years apart. We fought a lot growing up, but we played a lot together too. Once my sister became a teenager and started doing her own thing, obviously we didn't spend a lot of time together anymore. The week after she got married and left the house, I realized I desperately missed her. She'll say the exact same thing. We've been pretty good friends since then. We live far apart from each other, but keep in touch, and always enjoy when we do get to see each other (1-3 times a year.) We have both gone out of our way to be there when the other has truly needed them or at critical points in our lives.

As for what my parents did to foster our relationship, I'm not sure. We did a lot, lot, lot of stuff together as a family. Traveled (many cross-country car trips), camped, had family game nights, almost always ate dinner together at the table, etc.

[newg]

My sis and I both played tennis, starting when we were little...and continue to do so....so it's something we can do together.................we also love a lot of the same shows and we try to get together for desperate housewives every week...otherwise we text during the show.....
My DH and his brother both enjoy hunting and fishing....and they both love their Bears and Cubs and nascar....so between the real sports and the fantasy teams they are on they text and call eachother a lot too.........

we are both about 2 1/2 years apart from our younger siblings.......but I think the common interests, not the age difference (or lack of it), is what keeps us close because DH and I are alot farther along in our life (married 7 years and 1 kid) than either of our siblings (his is newly married, expecting 1st kid and mine is still single)

both our families were big into family dinners, family vacations, family game nights and such growing up..........and we are continuing it as adults with eachother and now with our own families

[ellies mom]

As for what my parents did to foster our relationship, I'm not sure. We did a lot, lot, lot of stuff together as a family. Traveled (many cross-country car trips), camped, had family game nights, almost always ate dinner together at the table, etc.
:yeahthat:

My brother and I are 15 months apart and my sister and I are almost 5 years apart. So you've got very close in age and further apart in age. We are all close. We've hung out socially for years so most of our long term friends are mutual friends as well. I live 600 miles away from them so we don't see each other as much as we used to but we still have a great time when we get together.

And yes, we did fight as kids and teenagers but it was never serious. I think the real key, like mentioned above was the we spent a lot of time together as a family growing up. Almost every good memory I have as a kid/teenager has some member of the family involved.

[jenfromnj]

I have a sister who is 10.5 months younger than I am (we were actually both born in the same calendar year--Irish twins!), and a brother who is 6.5 years younger. We are all close, though my sister and I are closer. I consider her my best friend, we speak every day and see each other at least once per week (it helps that we're both SAHMs at the moment and live less than an hour from each other, we didn't see each other quite as much before we had kids, but still spoke often).

My sister and I were a bit competitive growing up, and sometimes fought, but nothing ever very serious. My parents made sure that we spent a lot of family time together, but also that we each cultivated our own interests. While we did some of the same activities, we also were quite different personalities and each participated in different sports, clubs, etc. I'm sure this made life more hectic for my parents, but it allowed us each to have our own identity, which I think was really important.

My brother lives 4 hours away so we don't see him as much, but still speak/email with him at least weekly and go visit him at least a couple times per year. We get along really well, mainly because my personality and sense of humor is really similar to his, and we really 'get' each other.

I've realized more and more as time goes by that my brother and sister are people who I would like and enjoy spending time with, even if we weren't related. I think this definitely is key, and I think it's why we'll (hopefully) remain close regardless of distance or circumstances. Not sure how my parents managed to accomplished that, though, and neither do they, LOL.

[Melaine]

I am the oldest of four. The next brother was 2.5 years later, then another brother 4 years later, then a girl another 3 years later. My sister and I are nearly 10 years apart. We are all very close, although currently separated by distance. We had a great family dynamic growing up and have so much fun now when we get together.
A big reason is that we were homeschooled so we really spent a lot of time together growing up. We played together, despite the age gaps and did lots of activities together (at one point we were actually all able to do karate classes together which was a blast.) My sister and I even shared a room until I left for college so she and I are very close. My brothers shared a room as well.

[Elilly]

My lil' brother and I are very close. We are 6 1/2 yrs apart. I treated him as if he was my baby when he was born. He aggravated me when I was in middle school, and looked up to me when I was in my later HS years. Our personalities are very similar and we speak at least one or twice a week. He lives in NC and my kids and I are constantly lobbying that he and his fiance move back to the midwest.
That said, my DH is the youngest of 4. There is a 9 year spread b/w them and he is the youngest and only son. Only one of his sisters is local and the other two are in FL and TX. Aside from a family emergency, he doesn't call his sisters but maybe twice a year.
I'd love to know what the glue is, but truly I think it's because we like and love each other.

[codex57]

I dunno if me and my sister are "close" or not.

We've never fought. Ever. We're 5 years apart. When my parents were TTC, they asked me if I wanted a brother or a sister. I figured a brother would be competition for my toys (selfish I know, but I was like 4 or so) so I asked for a sister. Somehow, I got one. I was always protective of her. When she was less than one, my mom left us in the car while she "ran in" to some building. It got hot, so I got my sis out of her car seat and carried her into the building looking for our mom. I was apparently holding her like a cat (under the armpits with her facing forward).

As we got older, mom became the "enemy". We'd cover for each other. We still do. When she went to grad school, I helped her plot out excuses why she needed to go to a farther one than my mom wanted (dad doesn't care). When she went out on rotations, I used my network of friends/in-law family to give her more places to crash so she isn't stuck with rotations near home.

That said, we don't talk every day. We don't tell each other details of our life all the time, etc, like you would a close friend. Our personalities are kinda different and I dunno if we'd ever be friends if we had met as strangers and weren't related.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I like spending time with my siblings and my siblings-in-law but I wouldn't consider us that close. I do talk to my sister and my brother's wife quite a bit on the phone, like I would talk to a friend. So that is really nice. Both are 7 years older than me. We don't go out and hang out though. I don't think an age difference is a problem. It's more a life stage difference- I have more in common with people that are married whether it be with kids or not.

Beth

[happymom]

I am the middle of 5. Two sisters, two brothers. I am closest with my younger sister- who is almost 4 years younger than me. I dont think it has to do with age or gender. Its just that she is the most like me in terms of personality and interests so we have a lot in common. My older sister is very close with my older brother for the same reason. We are def not one of those families that has a great time hanging out together...just doesnt happen like that. One thing I have noticed though, is that in times of family crisis/hardship, we all come together and support eachother unquestionably. I should add that we all fought like cats and dogs when we were younger, but completely outgrew it.

DH is one of eight (I know!) 6 boys and 2 girls. He is definitely closer with some sibs over others, but truly enjoys hanging out with each of his sublings. DH's family is one of those families that has a great time hanging out together- theyre all very laid back, with great sense of humor and are constantly laughing and having a great time. Its really nice! I wish I knew how to replicate that with my own family! One major diff I have noticed between my family and DH's family, is the way our parents responded to our fighting and bickering as children. My parents made a HUGE deal out of it- so if my sister called me an idiot (for example), my parents would flip out. Mind you, that is normal, and dare I say healthy sibling rivalry. I always felt that my parents reactions to our "fighting" made it soooo much worse and really affected out relationships. They truly believed we would all hate eachother forever, and were constantly worrying about this. DH's family on the other hand, were constantly teasing and fighting with eachother as well. His parents would roll their eyes and ignore it all- writing it off as normal sibling rivalry, which it was!

Wow, guess this topic struck a nerve cuz I just wrote a novel! :rolleye0014:

[truly scrumptious]

My brother is two years younger - and we're really close. Where we grew up it was really hot in summer, so we spent a lot of time cooped up indoors together. So we played together A LOT. And we fought A LOT.
For the most part, our parents left us to it - we sorted out our fights ourselves, unless they escalated too far and then parents would step in. But our parents planned at least one (LONG - 2 month) family vacation every year, with no TV, so again we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of imaginary games, etc. and played cops and robbers as much as we played house. We always knew what was going on in each others lives, so even now we talk often and keep up. And even if we did stuff separately (like in high school) we knew about it, and those are now shared memories - "Remember my crazy friend ABC, who had the big dog?" and that kind of thing.
I feel so lucky to have my brother involved in my life. He is such a source of support, and a pillar for helping me deal with family drama. DH has two brothers and actually gets along better with mine.
I'd say the secret is spending a lot of time together growing up.

[blisstwins]

I can tell you what not to do! My brother and I are not at all close, but we went to different schools, were compared to one another and our divorced parents played favorites. We started to become friends as adults and then my father died and it dredged up all the old ugly from childhood. If my brother were not my brother I would never speak to him. How sad is that? It totally colors the way I parent my twins.

[JenChem]

My sister and I are 5 years apart. We weren't always close :P in fact I remember many times we'd fight so bad my mom would beg us to please get along for her! But now that we're both moms we're much closer. I'd say we're close because when we were little we used to do everything together with my mom. We were involved with theatre and dance. We'd go to each others practices and events. We were very dissimilar growing up (I was quiet and nerdy, she was the sociable cheerleader) but we both LOVED doing things with mom and that kept everything together. She did a very good job of not playing favorites. I think the other thing that keeps us together is having a strong history of family events. We have a large extended family and we get together for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and lots of picnics. So I think it's important to start strong family holiday traditions.

[Cheburashka]

My older sister and I are close. She's older than me by a little under 4 years. We weren't all that close until she left home though, mostly because I always thought (correctly or not) that she liked the two sisters who were younger than me better. Once we both started college, we grew a lot closer because we had something in common to talk about. Our relationship just took off from there. We ended up discovering more in common, and I ended up transferring to the college she was at after my freshman year. Our relationship improved a lot after that.


If my brother were not my brother I would never speak to him. How sad is that? It totally colors the way I parent my twins.

That describes me and my younger sister perfectly. In our case though, we're just very different and dissimilar personalities. I try my hardest to talk to her, but we pretty much have nothing in common.

My SO is the oldest (and only male) with 4 sisters, the youngest sister being a little younger than me. She used to be his favorite, but after an incident when their mom died, he didn't talk to his sisters for quite awhile. The first time he'd gone back to visit them since their mom died was actually earlier this year.

Anyway, the vague point I was attempting to make is that its not always up to the parents which kids like each other. They're going to grow up and become their own people. Still, I already know that should I have another child after this pregnancy, I'd still try to encourage them to get along. Maybe they will end up true best friends, and maybe they'll end up just seeing/speaking to each other on holidays. But I'd try my hardest to avoid that for my kids.

[boolady]

I only have one sister and we are very close. 3 1/2 years apart. We fought a lot growing up, but we played a lot together too. Once my sister became a teenager and started doing her own thing, obviously we didn't spend a lot of time together anymore. The week after she got married and left the house, I realized I desperately missed her. She'll say the exact same thing. We've been pretty good friends since then.

I actually have two younger sisters-- we're all exactly 3 years and 4 months apart...how's that for family planning? Anyway, the above description is pretty true, except that for us, we all started missing each other (much to our surprise) when I went away to college. I guess I then became "cool" to my younger sisters, and from my end, absence made the heart grow (somewhat) fonder. Now, we are all really different in my mind, but if you ask DH, we're really alike in a lot of ways that I don't see, too. He actually calls us the Sisters Rosenzweig, after the play.

After one of my sisters living 6 hours away for about six years, we're all now within 1.25 hours of each other, and have a great time together. We text and email all of the time, and probably see each other at least once or twice a month. They are great aunts to DD, and I am so fortunate to have this relationship with them.

What did my parents do to make this happen? Nothing that I specifically remember, other than making sure we didn't cause significant bodily injury to each other, which was not always a given. They seemed to make it happen by not forcing it, if that makes sense. DH, on the other hand, has one brother, was told that "brothers are best friends," and now feels bad because they're not very close.

[HIU8]

Well, my brother and sister and I are not really close. We all live in the same area. I see my brother when he needs something. Pretty much same with my sister. My sister and I are 22 months apart. My brother and I are 3.5 yrs apart (so my brother and sister are 19 months apart). My parents parented us as one child with 3 personalities--which is why I think we are not close. This colors totally how I parent my children. DS and DD are 2.5 yrs apart and are very very very close. They are very protective of each other and will go out of their way to help one another etc... And yes, they still fight etc... but nothing like the way I fought with my brother and sister.

[hellokitty]

I grew up with two younger brothers, one 3 yrs younger, another one 4 yrs younger than me. Obviously, my brothers, both being boys and being so close in age were extremely close. I did not get along with them at all as a child. It kind of sucked. I was the oldest one (who was often put in charge or watching them, which I resent my parents doing), and the only girl and they would usually team up against me. I was also jealous. I wanted a little sister so badly and my brothers were close, got to share a room together (which I thought was really cool, b/c they rarely fought and had a good time together).

Oddly enough, after we all graduated from college, the older of my two brothers and I have always been close. We email/chat pretty often and are well aware of what is going on in one another's lives. My youngest brother is a bit of a recluse. He doesn't contact us unless he has a question or needs to tell us something. I think that my other brother and I probably have a closer relationship now, than they do (brother/brother) with one another now.

This is going to sound pitiful, but the only thing my parents did that helped my brothers and I to bond, was that they were horrible parents and fought a lot. During those times (when they fought), my brothers and I would hole ourselves up in their room and just vent about our parents and talk about what it would be like to be part of a, "normal" family. Same with when we were aggravated with the way our parents were treating us. I couldn't vent to anyone else, b/c nobody else would understand and I was embarrassed of my parents. Our parents are pretty dysfunctional. Weirdly enough, my brothers and I all turned out ok and when it comes to dealing with our parents, we pretty much deal with our parents the same way and have an unspoken rule that if we ask a sibling NOT to tell our parents something, that it's respected. We also stick up for one another when our parents complain to us individually about our siblings (this drives my parents nuts) or try to dig us for info about another sib.

[billysmommy]

We had a lot of imaginary games, etc. and played cops and robbers as much as we played house. We always knew what was going on in each others lives, so even now we talk often and keep up. And even if we did stuff separately (like in high school) we knew about it, and those are now shared memories - "Remember my crazy friend ABC, who had the big dog?" and that kind of thing.
I feel so lucky to have my brother involved in my life. He is such a source of support, and a pillar for helping me deal with family drama. DH has two brothers and actually gets along better with mine.
I'd say the secret is spending a lot of time together growing up.


This could totally describe me and one of my brothers ~ he's 2 years younger than I am and all of our friends growing up had kids my age and his age so we were almost always together. We had normal sibling fights but we always got along pretty well. We became good friends when I was a junior in high school and he was a freshman. We have the same sense of humor and have similar personalities. He went to college a couple states away and Monday nights were always our night to talk and catch up. He moved back to MA when ds1 was 2 years old because he wanted to really be a part of his nephew's life. He came to work with DH and I so now we see each other 4-6 days/week. He got married last fall and he and his wife just bought a house ~10 minutes away this summer. We all get along well and hang out ~2-3 times a month.

I also have another brother who is 5 years younger than I am. He and I get along very well but have different interests and different personalities so aren't as close.

[pinkmomagain]

My sister and I are 3 yrs apart and we are pretty close. Growing up we fought. Being the oldest, I wanted nothing to do with my little sister, didn't want her hanging around me and my friends. My mom was very conscious about not forcing little sis on me, keeping her busy, etc. I think that helped. Around HS, I think, I got tired of the typical sibling fighting thing and made a very conscious effort to stop. We grew quite close. Overall, I think we are more alike than different, so I think that really helps as well too.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Btw, dh is the oldest of 4. They are all 2-3 years apart. They are less close with each other than I am with my siblings 7 years older than me. They don't hang out but they all get along. If it weren't for me my dh would really be out of the loop with them.

Beth

[lizzywednesday]

My sibs and I go through phases where we're close and then we're not, but underneath it all, we will drop everything and run to each others' aid when one of us is in trouble.

I'm the eldest of 4; the next one down is almost 4 years younger (I'm a March baby; he's October) with the next two being almost 6 and almost 8 years younger respectively.

While I'm closest with my brother who is 6 years younger, I will say that the best thing to have happened with my relationship with my brother who is 4 years younger is my going off to college. Getting me out of the house for a time really helped him develop into his own person and now we actually get along pretty well.

Sure, we fought (and probably spent a lot of time beating the living snot out of each other) but when times got tough, we really pulled together.

My sister and I are very different personality types and also at different points in our lives ... but we've been getting along pretty well lately. Maybe it's the hormones - we're both pregnant (she's due any day now; I'm almost 22 weeks) with our 1st child.

[mommylamb]

I really wish my sister and I were close. But we're not. Not at all. I'm the older sister and she is nearly 6 years younger than I am. We fought a lot as kids, but normal kid fight stuff. Then, when I was in my late teens/early twenties and she was in her early/mid teens, we got to be friends, and it was nice. But as we're getting older, it's getting worse and worse. We live very close to each other. But we are just such different people and there are a lot of things she does that I resent. And, DH really does not like her, which makes it hard on me to ignore the things that drive me nuts becuase they're driving him nuts too. She tries to compete with me all the time and I'm just so tired of it. She also wants to brag about how much money she makes constantly, and I just find that distasteful. She is pregnant right now, and I'm hoping that she'll grow up and become less selfish when the baby comes... fingers crossed. I really want to have a good sister relationship... but maybe just not with my sister. Anyone else have a sister they'd like to swap with?

[lowrioh]

I also think that it has more to do with common interests and personalities than the age gap. My brother and I are 3.5 years apart and although we make a point of hanging out when I'm in town we aren't really close. We talk on the phone for birthdays etc but I wouldn't just pick up the phone to chat.
I am extremely close to my little sister even though she is almost 11 years younger than I am. When she graduated she moved down to DC and we see her at least once a week.
My parents did make a point of us having a family dinner every night and we had great family vacations etc.

[almostmom]

I think a lot has to do with personality. My kids are 2 years apart, older boy. And they are incredibly close at almost 6 and almost 4. And they have been for the last 2 years. They have their birthday party together, they both wish they still went to the same school, and at home it's impossible to separate them and get them to the dinner table, to bath, etc., because they are having too much fun playing. They do fight sometimes, but it doesn't last long.

I feel very lucky about this, but I don't think it has to do with me! If they were reversed and DD was the oldest, it would be totally different. DS is patient, doesn't care so much about keeping toys to himself, or what chair he sits in, or what color his plate is. He shares so much with her, pages from his coloring book, etc., and gives in when she's crying about something, unless he really wants it, and then he explains it to her. He loves imaginative play, so she can set it up, like they are dogs, or a mom or a dad, and he goes along with it. She is also always trying to do what he does and can mostly push herself to his level. And even in sports, where he is way ahead, he tries to teach her things, when he takes a break from hitting the tennis ball against the garage.

If she was older, I think she'd have nothing to do with him! I mean, she ADORES him now, but he has so much to show her, and so much to teach her. But if she was older and he took one of her toys, she'd scream at him and I think he'd eventually shy away from her! But now, he can handle her antics as a younger person, and puts up with them because it means he has a great playmate.


From my experience, my older sister is 4 years older. We're not that close. We're just different. I love her, and she'll always be there for me, and me for her, but we just have different ways, like country mouse and city mouse. If we'd been closer in age, I think we would have been closer. Even though she was older, she did feel a bit in my shadow because things came easier for me - sports, friends, schoolwork. But I don't think my parents let that show - it was just the way she perceived things.

I think if you just give them lots of time to play together with things that they can do together, and provide a loving home, then they kind of need to take it from there. And even if they fight as kids, they very well might be close later on.