Are you and your DH partners?

[Mermanaid]

I've been thinking about this for quite some time and wondering about relationships. Would you consider you and your DH to be partners? Or are you *just* married (you know what I mean)?

If you say yes that you are partners, what is your definition of the term/partner relationship?

[hillview]

We are partners MOST of the time. Sometimes I feel more like the maid or task master maybe is a better phrase. But in general I do feel like we are partners. Partners = meaning we each pitch in to make it work 100% of the time and when one of us is sick, busy with work, the other one picks up the slack.
/hillary

[sunshine873]

Yes, I'd say we're partners in our marriage. We discuss and plan decisions that will affect every aspect of our lives. Relationship (with each other,) career, personal (other friends,) parenting, household, etc.

I also think that we both burden loads in our lives, and USUALLY try to help the other when we can.

[belovedgandp]

Yes, I would say that we are partners. We have very different roles in our marriage, but we both respect what the other person does and supports them doing it. I know there are times when we both aren't getting exactly what we need from each other, but we try to balance things out and do our best to make sure the other one is happy.

From the practical standpoint our finances are completely joint. Our long term goals are in sync for our family. We both do what needs to be done around the house and with the kids (yes, there are typical jobs for each of us, but both of us have done the others when it was necessary).

[newnana]

Yes. We are partners in everything. It's a requirement. We would not be married otherwise. We are complete opposites in many things and balance each other out. We support each other and help each other and keep each other sane.

We are best friends.

I realize all this sounds hokey, but it's true. And I wouldn't have married him or stayed with him if we didn't have this kind of relationship. It really is a requirement. Life is hard enough without other people dragging you down, intentionally or not.

This is not to say that we agree on everything or that we always get along. But we fight well (and I hate to fight, so that's saying a lot), we help each other, we try keep the other person in mind and we strive to do what we think will happy.

Mostly, we talk. About everything. Finances. Friends. Our work. Parenting. Our parents. Sex. Household responsibilities. How we're feeling. How we can help each other.

I couldn't be happier. Unless we won the lottery and were financially free.

[codex57]

Yup. DW gets antsy if I'm away from her for any extended period of time. We also check with each other on pretty much every decision. Even mundane stuff like what to order at a restaurant. This means we share basically everything, and yes, while a little juvenile, we have a lot of matching things like cell phones, jeans, tennis shoes, etc.

Technically, we have separate bank accounts, but we have joint ones for the sole purpose of linking our separate accounts. And we have each other's online passwords for everything, including e-mail.

[SnuggleBuggles]

For sure we are parenting partners. We also enjoy doing many activities together. WRT chores and basic life maintenance (chores, bill paying, planning trips...) I don't think so. eta- he is without a doubt my best friend and the one person I want to share this life with. So, if that makes us a pair/ partnership then we are. :)

Beth

[TwinFoxes]

Yes. We are partners in everything. It's a requirement. We would not be married otherwise. We are complete opposites in many things and balance each other out. We support each other and help each other and keep each other sane.

We are best friends.

I realize all this sounds hokey, but it's true. And I wouldn't have married him or stayed with him if we didn't have this kind of relationship. It really is a requirement. Life is hard enough without other people dragging you down, intentionally or not.

This is not to say that we agree on everything or that we always get along. But we fight well (and I hate to fight, so that's saying a lot), we help each other, we try keep the other person in mind and we strive to do what we think will happy.

Mostly, we talk. About everything. Finances. Friends. Our work. Parenting. Our parents. Sex. Household responsibilities. How we're feeling. How we can help each other.

I couldn't be happier. Unless we won the lottery and were financially free.

If you're hokey so am I! I couldn't have said this better myself. I saw my parents' horrible marriage and there was no way I was doing that! I am very lucky in my marriage, and I truly couldn't be happier. I am blessed.

[niccig]

I think we're partners. Much more so than my parents where my mother bosses my dad around, or DH's parents, who live separate lives in the same house.

We talk about things and try to reach a consensus. Sometimes DH gets his way, as it's not something that matters so much to me, or vice versa and I get my way. When it comes to daily house chores, it is more me, but a lot of that is because I am home and DH can work crazy hours. He does do what he can.

We respect each other and our opinions. We do argue, as we disagree on things, but we're good at getting past the argument and making a decision together. We still have room for improvement though, but 6.5 years in and I think we're doing OK. We said very early on in our relationship that we bring out the best in each other, and I still think that is true.

[wellyes]

Hmmmm. I don't know. I want to say no. I mean, we are best friends, we trust one another, we respect one another. I'm confident that my marriage is sound. But we also have very separate lives.

He does not go shopping with me. Sometimes I'm jealous when I see the wives whose husbands follow them around carrying bags.... usually not, though, since that means he's off doing something that makes him happy.

And yes, I understand "being with my spouse" = happy. But I like that he has passions. He plays league hockey, he autocrosses his car. I've been to one hockey game in 10+ years together and I've never hung out at the track with him. He's gone to several rock shows without me because we have different taste in music.

We haven't vacationed apart, but I've been back to visit my folks without him for several days - so he could paint & renovate when I was pregnant, for example. He's travelled for business many times without me. I don't relish being apart from him but it's not a big deal to us.

On rare occasions, we have disagree about a fundamental family things. For example: he disliked my decision to work part time after I had DD, for $ reasons. We talked a lot, but I never really convinced him. I told him I felt strongly about it and stood my ground. Once the decision was made, he respected it, even though I could tell he had to hold his tongue about bills sometimes. I've been PT for over a year now, one of the best decisions I've ever made.

So I'd say married, happily. We can COMPLETELY depend on its other. We do talk lots and have fun together. But I don't consider us partners in the sense I'm guessing the OP is asking about.

[SkyrMommy]

I think we're partners. Much more so than my parents where my mother bosses my dad around, or DH's parents, who live separate lives in the same house.

We talk about things and try to reach a consensus. Sometimes DH gets his way, as it's not something that matters so much to me, or vice versa and I get my way. When it comes to daily house chores, it is more me, but a lot of that is because I am home and DH can work crazy hours. He does do what he can.

We respect each other and our opinions. We do argue, as we disagree on things, but we're good at getting past the argument and making a decision together. We still have room for improvement though, but 6.5 years in and I think we're doing OK. We said very early on in our relationship that we bring out the best in each other, and I still think that is true.

:yeahthat:

Other than the fact that we're 8 years in... I couldn't agree more.

[Ceepa]

I realize all this sounds hokey, but it's true. And I wouldn't have married him or stayed with him if we didn't have this kind of relationship. It really is a requirement. Life is hard enough without other people dragging you down, intentionally or not.


:yeahthat: I would not accept being in a relationship that wasn't loving, supportive, respectful, inspiring and fun. And neither would DH. We both believe that what's best for us as individuals, as a couple and for our children is to keep growing.

We go through rough times like anyone else, but dealing with the issues is absolutely worth it.

[WatchingThemGrow]

We're partners in parenting, travel, finances, chores, etc. We balance each other out really well. Lately, though, we've been more "partners" than husband/wife. This has been a really busy period for us.

Oh, we're so "partnered" that DH is registered on the BBB :)

[kijip]

Yes. We are more equally responsible for all the fun and not-so-fun aspects of our shared life than I think is average for American married couples.

But we are not best friends and I don't consider that part of being married/partnered. Friend does not equal spouse in my opinion. Being married to someone is a bond that vastly eclipses friendship in any way IMO.

[MamaMolly]

Funny how just about everyone who's answered has said yes. Maybe a poll would be an informative addition to this thread. I'm going to go with sometimes. Or it depends. We are 11 years in, BTW. And to be honest we are in a rough patch right now, which colors my answer.

When we are working on a project together, then we marvel at what we can accomplish. Now that DD is older and I've learned to back off he's much better about co-parenting. In the beginning that was a HUGE source of resentment for me. But most of that still falls on me. We are in a place financially now that we can afford to have help with the house, so that eases a lot of tension too, but causes his own set of problems. He's become even lazier about tidying up, saying he pays somebody to do it now. Ugly, no?

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is his passion for his work. It took me a long time to even admit that everything including our marriage came second to work. I think a lot of men, especially those in the areas of service (cop, firefighter, soldier, etc) feel this way. That their work is a calling, it is bigger that who they are and who we are and what we want sometimes. Stinkin' noble sacrifice. Bah! :irked: For the longest time he would exclude me from work related life altering decisions and couldn't understand that I was so angry. It was my life too!! I have been so, so, so close to leaving him. I don't know if it is that I'm stubborn or that when things are good between us they are REALLY good that keeps me here.

Since we had DD he has become MUCH more of a 'family' man. He has to consider how his choices impact all of us. And occasionally he has to put the good of DD ahead of his career.

Looking back I like who we are together, I like the person he's helped me become. But I'm not certain I'd choose this again.

[jse107]

Well, we're a long way in--9 years before we got married, and we just celebrated our 8th anniversary. We were actually engaged at age 5. JK!

We are partners--we have common goals and similar worldviews. We clearly have different ways of doing things at times and we do disagree on certain things. However, I can't imagine my life without him and I always know that he is a good, good man. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me in any way--and I think that counts for a lot.

Does he always push me to be a better person? No. He can get bogged down in life irritants and be a complainer. He doesn't always look for the best in others. Is he always willing to help others? Yes. Is he a wonderful father? Yes! (And he was somewhat reluctant about the whole thing--both times!)

He gives GREAT hugs and still finds me attractive. We still hold hands when we're out (and not wrangling the kids). He has a great sense of humor.

We move forward as a team--each bringing our own set of strengths and needs to the table. I hope we'll still be doing that 50 years from now!

[doberbrat]

I'll be the odd one out and say we're not partners.

we've been together 19 years and we have issues. we're trying to reconnect but its hard sometimes. we rarely see eachother since we work opposite hours/days and have meaningful conversation even less.

we do better as parents than spouses.

[newg]

:yeahthat:
Well, we're a long way in--9 years before we got married, and we just celebrated our 8th anniversary. We were actually engaged at age 5. JK!

We are partners--we have common goals and similar worldviews. We clearly have different ways of doing things at times and we do disagree on certain things. However, I can't imagine my life without him and I always know that he is a good, good man. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me in any way--and I think that counts for a lot.

Does he always push me to be a better person? No. He can get bogged down in life irritants and be a complainer. He doesn't always look for the best in others. Is he always willing to help others? Yes. Is he a wonderful father? Yes! (And he was somewhat reluctant about the whole thing--both times!)

He gives GREAT hugs and still finds me attractive. We still hold hands when we're out (and not wrangling the kids). He has a great sense of humor.

We move forward as a team--each bringing our own set of strengths and needs to the table. I hope we'll still be doing that 50 years from now!

:yeahthat:

We just celebrated our 7yr. anniversary, but have been "together" for over 11. DH is def. my partner....I couldn't do it any other way. We each have our strengths and weaknesses and try to create a sense of balance with that......I do most of the house stuff because I'm a SAHM, but DH will jump in and help whenever he can.......he has seen me at my best and at my worst and loves me for both

[hanaum02]

I thought this was a really interesting question. Lately, I've been a little upset as my husband and I are in a bit of a rough patch in terms of really "connecting". But, as I've read through these responses, I realize that I still would emphatically say that yes - we are partners. We absolutely share in all major decisions, finances, taking care of the kids, staying home from work when someone is sick, doing stuff (albeit we have different chores we each do) around the house, etc. As someone else put it, we might be at a point where we are better partners than we are husband and wife. (But, at least we both recognize that and are working on it.) And, I do feel grateful that we can work together as such a good team. That' really important to me.

[elephantmeg]

more so than we were before kids. I think kids has made us pull together more. I still do most of the housework and child arranging but he is getting there...slowly

[sste]

Emotionally and intellectually we are absolutely partners - - there is no one I admire more and I am crazy about DH. But, in the areas of paying work and household we have a ways to go. Our careers tend to compete with each other and I am resentful sometimes of the sacrifices I have made - - and frequently I am upset about DH's work hours and his inability to deal with errands/financial planning. Also I feel like I cannot get a straight answer out of DH about what he wants - - he always says everything I want is "fine" and I only find out he is upset once a big decision is made and he realizes how wrong it feels to him.

So, I guess I don't know. There is no one else that I could love the way I love him. But, there are areas of our marital life with significant stress - - I wonder though if that is just always the case with two ambitious parents who WOTH full-time and have a fair amount of professional opportunities come our way . . .

[maestramommy]

Yes. By that I mean we are working toward the same goals, have similar values and world views. And we also TRY to be as effective and efficient as possible about it without spoiling the fun. :p

Dh is my best and dearest friend, and makes up a LOT for the fact that my BFFs are miles away. We've been together almost 8 years. We started honing our partnership skills from the moment we started dating. Each experience we've had together has tightened us even more. Since the kids came along we sometimes feel we're operating in the trenches. I feel like our common goal is to raise the kids to be good people without going round the bend ourselves :hysterical:

[elektra]

We're "just married".

[AnnieW625]

Oh no we are most definitely in the marriage together so I'd say we are partners (DH would say partners in crime). We discuss everything, and do lots of things as a family. DH actually doesn't mind going to ballet class on Sat. AM with us. He looks forward to it. At this point in our lives I can't see us spending much more than a weekend apart, let alone vacationing for a week in different places, but who knows that might come along later on. Now I will say that before we were married we spent more time apart from each other than we did together (we've been married almost 7 years, but been together for 12, and we finally hit the milestone that we'd lived in the same county/dwelling right after our 2nd anniversary) so I have no problem if DH says "I want to spend some time with guys," and he has no problem with me volunteering and spending a couple of nights a month doing Jr. League, stamping, or other non kid/work related things.

We do have our differences on things and sometimes we let that be known, but honestly I think that's healthy.

[Mermanaid]

Thanks, all for your replies. I seem to have opened my eyes and realized I am in the "just married" camp. And I'm not happy with that - at all. He's trying to step up and partner with me but it's not working well. Is this a rough patch or will it eventually resolve itself?

So my next question ... if you were never really partners to begin with, do you think it's possible to establish a relationship like that after 10+ years? I know what the therapist says, but I'm curious to know what you all think.

I'm trying to be open to what he's doing ... but I am finding it hard since I just don't think it will happen.

[BabyMine]

DH and I have been together for 15+ years, lived together for 14+ years but only married for 1 year. We didn't become true partners until 6 years ago. It got to the point where I got numb. I started therapy and then he joined a month later. I am so glad that we gave it one more try. I use to feel like a roomate and was always angry with him. I finally feel relaxed and truly loved. We are best friends and we are always together.

[daphne]

I'm in the "just married" camp.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Dh and I are best friends, but we were more "partners" before kids and I became a SAHM. We share the same values and morals, world view,ideas on how we want to raise our kids etc. We talk a LOT, but there are times I feel we just work side-by-side, not together, YKWIM?

I feel loved and valued by DH, but am often frustrated with him. Still, I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

[ThreeofUs]

I think we're partners, although our partnership changes depending on what we have to do. One or the other of us will take the lead on a particular project or task, as experience and willingness dictate. But we're always there for each other, working toward the same goals (that we talk about all the time). We're shoulder-to-shoulder on work, kids, home, family, etc.

Our partnership has changed, though, in a major way. With DS1, we both had to drop everything to take care of him (very high needs child!), and we worked through all the issues together. DH put his career on hold, pretty much, for a little over 3 years and I quit my day job and just kept my small consulting practice active (with DH's help, I needed the breaks).

Now that we have DS2 (a much easier child), DH has to put more time in his career and I have become the household partner-in-charge. I tell DH that he's making the money so I can spend it, lol!

But, I'll tell you, it feels less like a partnership now. It's more like two different departments of the same company. I think I miss both of us working on the same thing, thinking about the same problems - even though that would get a little claustrophobic after a while, kwim? Maybe if I were working PT or something, it would feel more even.... I don't know.

[pinkmomagain]

We are happily married 15 yrs and are definitely partners. We have the same goals, make decisions together, spend time outside of DH's work together w/family. We are best friends. Almost never have an out and out fight. That's not to say, though, there aren't times of resentment or frustration in terms of workload (his - work, mine - kids/house) or not enough couple time, etc.