Did you have a happy childhood?

[infomama]

and how does that impact your parenting?

I had a very happy childhood. We lived in a very small house but I was given every opportunity including attending private school and horseback riding. There were ups and downs but my parents loved, nurtured and encouraged me without exception. Yes, I was disciplined when I did wrong but I was never hit or yelled at..ever. I lived in a safe almost idealistic neighborhood where I made some lifelong friends and wonderful memories. Times were simpler and often that was good.

I often return to my childhood in my mind especially when times are tough or when I am missing my Dad. I feel blessed. I know that I want to do some things 'better' than my folks did so DH work hard at our relationship with each other because I feel that having a solid relationship with him is giving my girls a wonderful gift, too.

[WatchingThemGrow]

*I* was happy, but the circumstances were not happy - divorces, remarriage, alcoholism, LOTS of moves, wealthy extended family while my stepdad was unemployed, mom who worked too much, not a ton of contact with my dad, etc. Not sure how I was so happy during it all, but I think a lot of it was what my grandmother taught me about Jesus. Not to sound hokey, but it's true.

DH and I try to DO lots of stuff with our children and teach them our beliefs. We do need to be more intentional in our parenting, though. We feel the same way you do about the marriage being the most important thing.

Your life sounds like it was fun!!! That's exactly what I was wishing for while dealing with what I had.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Figure I should go with my gut and the 1st answer that comes to mind is "yes." :) There were a lot of really great things about my childhood. My dad wasn't around much b/c he traveled for work...and that was a-ok b/c he was very grumpy when he was around. My sibs are 7 and 11 years older so there were times that it was just me and my mom a lot (sibs moved back in during college and at other random points).

I really think my mom was/ is a fabulous mom. She still works 60 hours a week but she never made you feel like you weren't a priority. She always had time to take me shopping, take me to activities and just be there. It's really amazing now when I think about how well she balances everything. I don't know how she does it.

I do try and do things a bit differently than my mom- a bit less materialistic mentality and a bit less guilt and nagging. I hope I'm doing a good job. I know I lose my temper more than she did and I hate that. Working on it!

I don't know why my parents are married, it seems like they are now together out of habit. Having a successful marriage has been big for me. I hope that has been good for our boys to see how much dh love, respect and support each other. I love dh's parents b/c they have a good, successful marriage (at least from our perspective). We've learned a lot from them. :)

Beth

[MMEand1]

No, I did not. I was the oldest of 4 and my parents were very hard on us, but me most of all. Most kids say stuff like that but my father told me several times that whenever the younger 3 did something wrong it was my fault because 1)I did not set a good example or 2)I set no example for them to follow. I was spanked with a belt and with hand and slapped in the face. Nothing I ever did was good enough and my father always expected more (made second chair in all-county band and he was upset that I did not practice enough to make 1st; got a 98% on a test and he was upset that I did not get a 100% - got a 100% and he wanted to know why I did not get bonus points). Once you started something, you had to finish it (for me this was band - started in 5th grade and had to go throughout my Senior year of HS). There was a lot of verbal/emotional/mental abuse that I still struggle with today.

I have made a very concerted effort to make sure that whatever my children do, they know I am proud of them for trying their best. I make sure that I let them try out different things and get to experience lots of activities that I did not have the opportunity to try. I make sure that they know I love them; not to say that they don't ever get into trouble, but when they do, it's what I call a "Poop sandwich" - that is good stuff, punish (scold, time out, etc) then re-enforce good stuff.

I do not wish to return to my childhood and do not, to this day, have a very good relationship with my father. The relationship with my mother is not as bad, but not what I wish it could be or what it is between she and my sister.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

I will be honest and say NO. My parents were happily married for 15 years, until my mom was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor. She had surgery, and was left almost completely paralyzed. Then I moved in with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. That was a great period for me. They were wonderful people. My dad became and alcoholic when my mom was sick, and when I was 6, 6 months after she died, he married a woman I had never met. I went to live with them, and she was a horrible bitter woman. Worse her son was a child molester. My dads drinking got worse, and they divorced after 7 years. Then my dad and I moved out, and I reported the "step brother". I got my dad to stop drinking when I was 15. He was not there, still hung up on losing my mom, and I ran wild.

So, yeah, it was pretty crappy. But it has made me a good mom....

[kijip]

Yes.

My life was not an easy one as a child and there was more worry and stress than any child deserves but I am at my core a happy person. I had things I did to cope with the various things that happened in my childhood. My parents cared a lot about us and even though they had little to offer in terms of stability and material needs (I am not talking lessons and a room with toys, I am talking not being able to afford shoes and other very basic necessities).

I will say that my childhood ended far earlier than it should have, in part because of the sexual assaults and in part because you grow up fast when you are poor. I worked, with an employment exemption when I was 12. I filed taxes for the first time when I was 12, meaning that when I get our social security statements I have work credits dating back almost a decade before my husband started his first job ever. I got my first apartment and started working more than full-time pretty much within the same month I finished high school at 17.

Having a less than idyllic childhood does not mean that someone was unhappy. Happiness is not limited to privilege or relative affluence.

[jenfromnj]

Absolutely, yes. My parents were (and still are!) amazing and supportive. We didn't live in a mansion, but were comfortable enough, and went lots of places and were exposed to many different things. My dad was a strict disciplinarian, but managed to do so in a way that was more about teaching us through discipline as opposed to a "because I said so" way (not that it never happened!). They encouraged us to pursue things that interested us and were willing to devote their time and resources to do so, and always pushed us to be the best that we could be without pressure to be THE best at everything--they were great about not comparing us to others or to each other. We also had the benefit of having our aunts, uncles and cousins as well as grandparents in close proximity--my grandfather even coached several of my sports teams along with my dad in my middle school years. I also was fortunate to have my sister, who is less than a year younger than I am, as my built-in playmate and confidante from literally as far back as I can remember.

I am so grateful to have such great parents, and am determined to try my best to give my son the same thing.

[niccig]

Yes and No.

Yes. I do have memories of family times and lots of laughs.

No. My Dad was physically abusive to my mother. She finally left when I was 13. Many years of walking on egg shells wondering what would set Dad off. 2 years after they divorced, Dad moved back in. Things did change, no more physical abuse, but it was still a lot of drama to live through. It was Days of our Lives or Melrose Place drama. They're together, they break up, they're together again.

Did it affect my parenting. You betcha. I try very hard to not yell at DS, I don't spank, and I try to keep a more even keel with my emotions. It's difficult as my first instinct is to react how I was raised, like the world is ending because the car broke down. I want him to have a more stable and supportive family. It helps that DH is very easy going. There is no drama in our house, like what I grew up with. The lack of drama is also a motivating factor to stay on top of my hypothyroidism, if my levels are low because I missed a few pills, I start to get tired/cranky/irritable and I do NOT want DS to have to deal with that because I forgot my pills.

[egoldber]

No, not really. There were happy moments and things I remember fondly, but overall no. My father was emotionally abusive and very controlling. I also think (in retropsect) that he has undiagnosed GAD with OCD components. He made life hell for the girls in the family although he adored my brother. I didn't realize how bitter I was about that until recently. And to this day my brother does not understand how angry I am at both my father and mother and it affects our relationship.

It does give me the perspective though at even on my worst, crankiest days, I KNOW my kids childhood is vastly superior to mine.

[Melaine]

Yes. I had a very happy childhood. I'm thankful that my parents were and are very committed to maintaining a strong marriage and family. I guess the way it affects my parenting, is that often I tend to compare myself to my mother and feel that I come up short. Sometimes I feel a little guilty, but in general, I think it just helps me try to improve.
I have enough trouble dealing with my own stress from the present. I'm thankful I don't have a lot of baggage from my past.

[vludmilla]

Not so much. I am a happy person now but I needed to work toward being a happy person. My parents both love me but there were so many problems. My father worked two jobs and seven days a week. He worked overnights so his schedule was wacky. He was always sleep deprived. I respect him for trying so hard to be there as he was a good dad in many ways. My mother, who I now feel sorry for in many ways, was a problem in so many ways. She is narcissistic, competitive (with me), and just not emotionally a stable person. She was verbally and emotionally manipulative and at times abusive. I really felt miserable most of my childhood. I regularly needed to remind her to buy lunch food (made my own from 2nd grade on). Sometimes I needed to remind her to make us dinner before bedtime came because she was absorbed in her own stuff. I did ALL of the laundry and cleaning as an eight year old and was made to feel bad for not doing it well enough. I worried a lot about money as a young child and so I saved every bit I was given or earned and I loaned it to my parents who were habitually running short. They would "run a tab" and when they wanted to pay me back every so often, they would ask what they owed me. I would give them the number and my mother would question me, saying it was too high and asking if I wrote down all the borrowing they did...made me feel like she thought I was a thief. Eh. I could go on and on about her, sadly. Anyway, I feel like I just survived my childhood. It's funny that for a long time I thought something was wrong with me for feeling so badly since I was not sexually or physically abused but I finally realized that emotional/verbal abuse, and neglect are rather substantial themselves.

[Puddy73]

Yes and no. I had some happy times and I cherish the relationships that I formed with my older brother and sister. Although I truly believe that they did the best they could, my parents were very young and overwhelmed by the three of us. My father was not a very involved parent and my mother struggled with depression. Money problems added a great deal of stress to the household and even at a young age I realized that my mother felt trapped and resentful. I was a serious, anxious kid and I really internalized all of this. I was sexually abused by a neighbor at age 11 and that really ended my childhood.

This definitely affects the way that I parent. Even on my worst days I tell my kids that I love them and try to show them how important they are to me. I put them first in a way that I don't feel that my parents did with us. The other odd manifestation is my love of children's clothes. I never had new clothes and rarely had new shoes growing up, so I will cut back on almost anything else to make sure that they have decent clothes and shoes. I realize that this is for me - DC really don't care!

[fivi2]

...................

[elektra]

Yes, I had a very happy childhood. I didn't realize until I was much older that not every other child had two parents that loved them, had enough to eat, etc.

[hanaum02]

In general, yes - I had a happy childhood and my parents (despite being divorced) were very civil to each other and both very engaged in encouraging me and my interests. I will say however, that my mom was pretty moody and I often felt like I need to walk on eggshells in order to not get her upset. To this day, I am still overly concerned with pleasing her and get upset when she is critical.

In many ways, I feel that my husband and I are (hopefully) doing a better job than our parents by trying to pull the best aspects of each of our childhoods into one. That being said, I know that I can be moody too and REALLY want to make sure that I don't end up making my kids feel about me the way I always felt with my mom. Always working on it . . . :-)

[Reyadawnbringer]

No. I have NEVER met my biological father. My mother was a serious drug abuser for most of my childhood. As such I raised my brother and sister until we went into foster care. My brother was adopted at age 5 to a family member, and my sister and I remained in and out of foster care (occasionally going back home to my mom). My sister decided at age 9 to go back home and live with my mom since she had met the requirements to gain custody back. I did NOT want that for myself and so at 18 I consented to my own adoption by my foster parents.

My mother has been clean for 12 years now (I am so proud of her), but we will never be the same. I know way too much about surviving on the streets and I see my younger brother and sister have suffered from the effects of their childhood too.

There is so much more that happened- but I can't get into it all right now... besides, whenever I start to talk about everything we endured in our childhood people start to pity us (and I don't need/want pity).

I DEFINATELY base my parenting off of how my childhood was. My son WILL NOT live like that ever. End of story.

[MontrealMum]

No, I really can't say that I had a happy childhood. My dad was verbally abusive and still struggles with issues w/alcohol, and my mom never spoke up for herself, or for me. Even when I was very little. Yes, I did have some happy times, and I had some great material things (nice clothes, vacations, and private schooling) but overall my childhood was not great and it has repurcussions to this day. It affects me in how I parent in many ways - and my wish to do better than my parents did by me colors all of my parenting decisions. My home was turbulent, and angry, and I was always trying to get away from screaming, yelling, accusing people. I was more than happy to go away to school (wish I'd gone farther!) and then to another country for grad. school.

My dad and I are working towards a better relationship, but that road is not always smooth. It can be frustrating, but he tries hard. My mom is how she is. She has no desire to change, or get help. She doesn't really recognize that she might need it, and she needs it, badly. Although she can be very helpful w/DS and supportive of me, she also has tons of personal issues that can make her a not very nice person to deal with. Her own relationship with her mother was kind of twisted - I really can't think of a better word. Although my grandmother (her mother) was a great grandma to me.

[lizzywednesday]

I had some horrific times as a kid (nothing like the drug abuse or alcoholism that a few folks I've read ... my heart goes out to you and I am glad you were able to rise above it as adults; it truly shows your strength) mostly due to the differences in the way my parents managed money.

My mother's parents are very blue-collar, scrimp-and-save, recycle-reuse, etc., to the point where, on a dock-worker's salary, they were able to raise 7 children and not have to take out a 2nd mortgage on their home. (In fact, they paid their home off in full during the mid-90s, so I truly admire that; I should be so lucky!) My mother and 5 of her 6 siblings have always had jobs, a sense of responsibility and a sense of independence, though the lessons they learned were not necessarily taught in the most gentle manner.

My dad's parents, on the other hand, came from a more "professional" background and didn't teach their kids how to manage money ... my dad never lived on his own, never paid his own car insurance (etc.) and so he'd often take on more than he could handle, financially.

So, they would fight about money. They would fight about expectations and they would fight about stupid stuff.

My mother was also depressed, so she was in and out of counseling when I was very young and then was seeing a psychiatrist(?) by the time I was in high school. (This is part of the reason I have consistently refused to consider antidepressants during my own counseling sessions.)

After the divorce, the money troubles persisted ... to this day, my father will ask my siblings and I for loans to get bills paid, so that's sometimes stressful because I worry that my dad, his mother, my sister and my brother will end up out on the streets and I won't be able to help.

Anyway, DESPITE all this, I have some truly happy memories from my childhood, many of them involving the births of my siblings or birthday/christening/First Communion parties ... and a lot more involving my siblings and my cousins at our grandparents' homes for Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I may not have the same kind of family as my husband (who describes his childhood as miserable, btw) but I choose to dwell on more happy memories than bad ones.

All in all, I am scarred yet thankful (weird, right?) for the way my childhood played out. Without it, I would not be the person I am today ... nor would I have the holy horror of making the same kinds of mistakes with my own children! (I've finally come to terms with the fact that, yes, I am going to make mistakes ... and that it's OK as long as I do the best I can.)

[sunshine873]

Yes, I had a very happy childhood. Loving parents who put our family first at all times. Were they perfect? No. Did I have any problems growing up? Yes, but all in all, I was loved, provided for and encouraged. I have fabulous examples to fall back on in my own parenting. I've been blessed.

[hellokitty]

No, I didn't. It wasn't a matter of physical comforts. We had food, shelter, clothing, $ wasn't an issue, although my father used all of those basic needs to control us. However, my parents had (and still have) a pretty dysfunctional relationship and my siblings and I really suffered from it. My father is emotionally abusive to us and my mother and I basically grew up with zero self esteem, b/c I got so used to being told I was good for nothing. No matter how good I was, it was never enough. If I was first violin, it didn't matter, why didn't I perform a solo? When I was the most advanced piano student for recital and was given the honor of performing last and ppl came up to compliment me afterwards, it didn't matter, my dad started yelling at me as soon as we got in the car about how horribly I did (FTR, he has no musical training and is actually quite UNmusical and was upset that I did not show, "passion," which to him means I would basically be having spasms while playing piano and swaying all over the place) and how he wasted $ for all those yrs of lessons (even though it was their idea, not mine to take piano).

The list just goes on and on. He was the same way with my siblings. The one who is a doctor is a, "failure," b/c he didn't go to HARVARD med school and also, b/c he did not choose to become a surgeon, but chose a different speciality that had better hrs so he could have family time (something my father never understood was the concept of family time). The one who is a lawyer is a failure, b/c he didn't go into corp law, so he isn't making gobs of $. The one who is the lawyer is also the one who my dad said was, "the last hope," since my father believe that my other brother and I were so awful that he wasn't going to waste anymore time on us. Me? I stopped trying, by the time I got to college, so contrary to my parents pushing me, I pushed back by purposely not choosing a career that my parents would see as, "high status." Although, I was great at what I did as a career, it doesn't matter though, my father will never be happy. He will go to his grave thinking that all three of his children are failures and he blames us for everything (ie: he actually blamed my mom and my siblings and myself, saying that he wishes he had never married my mom and had us kids, b/c otherwise he would have won the nobel prize by now). Ironically, the person who is mediocre at everything he does is my FATHER. He even sucks at his job and everything he touches is screwed up, so can you say delusions of grandeur???? My brothers and I joke that my dad has the touch of death (as opposed to the midas touch), b/c whatever he gets his hands on, goes to crap.

I feared my father and most certainly did not feel any kind of unconditional love. My mom, she is a victim of my dad's abuse as well and although she did not intend to do it, she often projected her frustration onto us children and to take pressure off of herself, expected us to act like adults. So, we really didn't get to enjoy the innocence of childhood. It was also bad, b/c my mom would put my father first before us kids and at the time I did not know it, but after I became a parent, I realized this and I just don't know how a mother could put her spouse, a grown adult, first before he own children, who are depending on her. It was bad enough that all of us sibs at one pt or another considered NOT having children of our own, b/c we had such unhappy childhoods and didn't want to bring children into this world.

Being a parent is very hard for me mentally. Not only do I feel like I am totally in uncharted waters, b/c I do not know what it is like to have a normal child-parent relationship, but also becoming a parent really triggered all the bad feelings about my parents, b/c I realize when I parent my children, just how poorly I was parented and how much effort my parents put into screwing us up. What is even more bizarre is that while I am happy to see my children grow up, "normal" and being parented in a way in which they are loved and encouraged to spread their wings, I feel jealous that I did not have that growing up and I'm probably guilty of telling my kids one too many times how, "lucky" they are. I basically parent my children 180 of the way I was parented and sometimes I just find it completely exhausting to have to think so hard in order to parent the way I want to and go against the grain of how I was parented.

[AnnieW625]

Yes I had a happy childhood. It was not easy, but I was happy. I always had a core group of friends so that made childhood easy, but at school and in most other social settings I often felt like a third wheel. My parents never had much money, but we always felt like we had all of the same things as our friends. My parents have always gotten along with their parents and siblings so I grew up with lots of cousins and I really enjoyed that. I have always gotten along with my brother (now 29), and my sister (now 22). My parents have been married for 36 years.

I always wanted to go to our private Catholic school because I was a bit of dork so I got made fun of at elementary school and never felt like I fit in. I thought the Catholic school kids were nicer to me (I knew many of them through alter serving, and gymnastics class). In high school I wanted to go to Catholic high school too, but my parents couldn't afford it, but I knew that so I made my local public high school work and never made a big deal out of it.

ETA: we also ate at home as a family at the table almost every night. I really enjoyed that, and hope that once DD, and #2 are older we will do it more (we are lazy about eating at the table now). We also always went to each others school events, including my sister's open houses in high school, so I was at least 25, and sis was 15. It was actually kind of fun seeing my old teachers. I do really liked the support.

[carolinamama]

Generally, yes. My family is/was stable and loving. My parents have always had a pretty good marriage. We did move quite frequently due to my dad's job. I went to 3 different high schools so I don't feel like I have the "roots" that alot of people feel looking back on their childhood. However, my family had to be close and rely on eachother since we often didn't have family and close friends around.

My mom is an over-achieving type A personality. She has more energy than I will ever have. We parent differently and I think that alot of my methods are because I didn't always like how much she expected out of us when I didn't always feel like I could deliver. I am a laid-back, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants parent (although I do alot of research on discipline, education, and even things I buy for the kids) whereas she was always concerned about us participating in alot of activities and staying organized. She also cared more about what other people thought more than I do about her house, what she served for dinner etc. I play more with my kids. It has taken me many years to realize that it is okay to live like this. My dad is more the quiet supportive type. He didn't get mad or flustered often, but if he did, it was because we really did something wrong.

[SASM]

I did but now I realize that I was very sheltered. My dad was not very present. He either went to school in the eves for his BS or was golfing/bowling with his friends. I never realized how un-present my dad was until later in life. No surprise, he was/is not a very family-friendly guy ~ he rarely goes to extended family functions or if he does he plants himself in front of whatever TV is present. He also never played games with us, etc. This being said, my mom made up for lack of Dad's absence. She also sheltered us from the MANY family freuds that were supposedly going on throughout the years on both sides of the family.

As far as my parenting, I stumbled upon an amazing DH who is about as opposite as my Dad as they come...he is VERY involved, loving, and playful. I also try very hard to make sure that we have family-time on a regular basis (game night, movie night, surprise picnics, reverse dinners, etc) as I REALLY missed that growing up.

[Corie]

I had a fabulous childhood! I was super happy. :)

My Dad traveled alot. But my Mom was a SAHM and she was awesome.
(My Dad was awesome too...just not home as much.)

We ate every meal together as a family. My parents went to every game,
event, conference, meet, etc. (And that's hard to do with 4 kids!)

I felt like I was listened to and my opinions mattered. They laughed
at my jokes. They bought me tons of books. They supported my
decisions.

Honestly, I can't say enough about my parents.

I try to be as awesome as they were/are.

[megulis]

There were pockets of happiness, so I think I knew what happiness could be. However, most of my childhood I felt unsupported and alone. I felt most of the time I was protecting my parents from becoming more involved parents. I was sexually abused by my brother and uncle. They found out because I told another relative, but they never asked me much about it. 15 years past and I was stunned at how little they knew.

My happy moments were when my parents didn't interfere or were absent. At the same time, I think I starved for them to see my pain. As I grew older, I realized more and more what had happened to me. (I was abused before I understood what reproduction was.) In college, everything felt like it was crashing down on me. I went through severe depression. However, at the end of it, my life was transformed.

It has severely affected who I am. I hope I am a better parent for it, but I do have resentment that I am still not able to accept. I am a SAHM. Although most of the time, I am a patient person. I also know I have a temper like my father. Overall, my experiences have taught me to be an understanding person. However, I am continually healing and trying to be a better person despite my childhood. Now, I can whole-heartedly say I am happy.

[DietCokeLover]

No. However, it wasn't until I became a believer in Christ that I was able to see through everything I went through and learned to look at it differently and survive, rather than wilt under the pressure and stress, even though the situations had not changed.

There's not enough room on this board for me to say how it has effected my parenting - both positively and negatively. Suffice it to say, it is always with me and motivates me to be and love differently.

[codex57]

It was alright. Not the greatest (still don't have a great relation with my mom), but their hearts were in the right place. Most of the time. Dad, while I rarely ever saw him cuz he worked so much, made it CLEAR that he was doing so to give us everything he never got. He and his siblings had to alternate days in which they got to eat. He was damned if he was gonna let that happen to his kids. My mom often did selfish things so you always question her motive. My sister and I NEVER fought because we learned from early on that mom was the "enemy". That said, it was still a very stable household and we were quite comfortable altho a bit too sheltered.

But yeah, I look back to my childhood for guidance. Both good and bad. This means I'm gonna be ALL over my kids' friends. I'm even seriously thinking about hiring PIs when the time comes if I get a funny feeling. Hopefully, I can manipulate things so that they end up in an evironment with kids I wouldn't mind them being friends with. Particularly in high school. DW and I really got ambitious in life b/c of the high schools we went to. I got more parental support than she did, but we were both influenced mainly b/c of our peers at our high school. Wealthy neighborhood doesn't necessarily mean a good environment.