Question 1: boys wrestling - what is ok?

[hillview]

We were at a Halloween party and the boys aged 4-7 were playing tag. Several boys 2 brothers aged 7 and 5 and 2 friends both aged 5, were aggressively tackling each other and landing punches. Neither boy seemed to be surprised or hurt. The younger brother after a while did get hurt. Is this the norm behavior or is this not ok in your opinion?
TIA!
/hillary

[jk3]

I'm not a fan but my boys love to wrestle on DH's watch. They seem to be able to keep that sort of play as part of a special time with their father. They are not rough + tumble with their friends.

[Laurel]

My DD actually tends to play like this with her friends that are boys. She loves it. Other parents freak out when she gets tackled by boys who are bigger than her, etc., but she loves the chance to play rough.

I think as long as everyone is having fun and there is no actual punching, it is ok. Punching would not be ok with me. Also, as soon as someone gets hurt, or scared, that kind of play has to stop.

[infocrazy]

I think as long as everyone is having fun and there is no actual punching, it is ok. Punching would not be ok with me. Also, as soon as someone gets hurt, or scared, that kind of play has to stop.

I agree. My boys LOVE to wrestle. They can get kind of rough but are usually smiling/laughing the entire time. You can tell when you need to step. Sometimes one kid starts to be more serious and that is a sign it should end in addition to the ones above... FWIW, my 2yo is usually the rougher one, so age isn't everything.

[zoestargrove]

My boys (5 and 6) enjoy wrestling with each other and their father. It's all fun - they are giggling and grunting at the same time. I give DH a lot of credit - he's really taught them how to be respectful and careful in this rowdy kind of play. Sometimes one of them will go over the line of what is acceptable - let their emotions get the best of them and take things too far. When that happens, we call an end to it. Before being a mom of boys - I didn't get that kind of play at all...but when all the players adhere to a set of rules and are respectful - I totally see it's benefits.

Punching is definitely NOT acceptable.

[brittone2]

It has been a while but I think Playful Parenting addresses this a bit? I think he encourages more dad/child wrestling though since a father will hopefully be more reliable in terms of stopping if the other child says stop, etc.

I don't think it would work for every family situation, but depending on the kids I'd say it might be okay as long as both parties agree to the wrestling in the first place. I'd have a code word or phrase (understood by both parties in advance) that means stop. And i'd enforce that that means stop, no matter what. I think some kids would become overly revved up and unable to stop themselves, and with major size mismatches, etc. it could still be dangerous., so I think it really depends on the individual family. I think dad/child wrestling is probably a better idea for those kids that like that type of roughhouse play.

[hillview]

It has been a while but I think Playful Parenting addresses this a bit? I think he encourages more dad/child wrestling though since a father will hopefully be more reliable in terms of stopping if the other child says stop, etc.


Off to re-read/find that section.

I think I can sort out the wrestling at home thing, it is more at a party where we don't know everyone and it seems sort of well ROUGH. So some moms of boys and girls who I know pretty well and I were talking and several of them said well that's what boys do sort of response (not sure how I feel about that answer -- boys will be boys isn't ok with me as an excuse for otherwise poor behavior). Another parent (who happens to have girls) and I were talking about how hard it is to say it was okay. I mean I don't think they'd be allowed to do this on a preschool playground or at my house. I have to do some more thinking :)

Thanks all!!
/hillary

[zoestargrove]

Hillary, I'm sorry - I didn't answer your question.

I agree with what you are saying that this is much more appropriate play at home. (and like Beth mentioned - ideally with a dad who is capable of keeping the tone playful and safe.)

I loathe the saying "boys will be boys" to excuse rough (and hurtful) behavior. To answer your original question. I wouldn't have been ok with the type of play you described at that party. I don't have a problem with telling the kids in our circle of friends that type of play is too rough and suggest an alternative.

[brittone2]

Off to re-read/find that section.

I think I can sort out the wrestling at home thing, it is more at a party where we don't know everyone and it seems sort of well ROUGH. So some moms of boys and girls who I know pretty well and I were talking and several of them said well that's what boys do sort of response (not sure how I feel about that answer -- boys will be boys isn't ok with me as an excuse for otherwise poor behavior). Another parent (who happens to have girls) and I were talking about how hard it is to say it was okay. I mean I don't think they'd be allowed to do this on a preschool playground or at my house. I have to do some more thinking :)

Thanks all!!
/hillary

Yeah, I guess I didn't really answer the question :) I think it is okay for individual families to set their own rules and I totally get why some families would allow wrestling (with appropriate boundaries) while others would say isn't okay with them at all. But if I saw other kids wrestling and it appeared one was going to get hurt or they were being wild at someone else's house, I think it is okay to tell them to stop or redirect their energy to something else physical (but less violent or prone to injury).